Monday, October 31, 2011

Alhamdulillah, Praise Allah..

My dad gave a 'slap' of reality today.

That I should count myself lucky and be more responsible and honest toward fulfilling my duty as a fully sponsored student and not procrastinate and make excuses (although there are founded reasons - but actually turning those hurdles in life as challenges instead of wallowing in self pity).

As such I made it a point (again) in my life to come to the library everyday to work and not delay anything much more.

NOW this daily library visit as a routine - is something that i have actually enjoyed doing since embarking this academia life of mine; but lately well..for 3 months of constant slacking - this 're-visit' made me reaffirms my 'faith' - that i do belong this way.

THIS IS ME. with my trusted backpack, hours in front of my dedicated laptop, books/journals on the table, do not need to care much about what i wear, what my shoes are, how i styled my hijab - this is MY WORLD - where you are not judge by your physical appearances but only your ideas and minds are your value.

That 1 month of my so-called "comeback" to my old place - made me realized that i have never enjoyed the corporation, reaffirms my stand about their work practices - that unspoken slogan "permata diangkat, kaca biarkan" ("diamonds" indispensable while "glasses" are replaceable) [by diamonds = those good looking people with so-called potential and so-called 'broadcast' type, while glasses = those behind the scenes minions deemed unworthy for airtime and such must remained sidelined] <<---- this unspoken slogan is not something i made of, is not reflection of my opinion rather it is the exact phrase given to me by somebody that holds a higher ranking position in the corporation albeit that person confirmed against his ideals too but have to abide because it is work slogan, you know.

BUT don't get me wrong, my detestation is only against this particular corporation's way of categorizing its human capital, how the discrimination being played out..i am never in any way criticizing the career - for me the media world flows in my veins - it is a passion, an interest that i inherited from my dad that used to work in a radio and tv station. I grow up watching how camera works, lives behind the scene, the scripts, the make-up, the talent scouting, the shots...everything there is to know about broadcasting world - i grew up with that. i enjoyed that. hence the 'ditching' one university in an English Literature course for UiTM for media studies. I spent my early adulthood enriching myself in media studies, i learned to work in graveyard hours during my course of media studies - i breathe and live all things media - editing, sounds, pictures...that is my passion. that is what i enjoyed most and that were the cause that brought me my first job.

For that- all the years in that old place of mine from 2006 - i have nothing but gratitude. I love the people, i love the work loads, i love the challenges, i love the pressures and i have lived it up to it all.

Quitting last 2010 was not an easy decision. I knew at one hand i love everything i wrote in the previous paragraphs , but on the other hand,i have this one major opportunity that doesn't come easily nor cheaply.

That is why, i wanted to 'comeback' to my old self although i never wanted to go back to that old place especially not the 'studio' department - a department deemed worst in terms of workloads,facilities,hours,budget etc. Boy, but i went to it anyways.

And now, i know that i have to make whatever i have at hands to work. THIS, THIS ACADEMIA LIFE gotta work, though sounds very intimidating (i am so freaking out about it really) BUT ALLAH knows best.

Most of the times what we think we would be great at, enjoyed most isn't something necessarily good for us. My 'comeback' is a proof to this. I didn't like one bit. And now i am reassuming my 'role' and routine to the library - i had the relief feeling, coming in to the library, went to check-in for personal study room - i felt as if a boulder have been lifted off my shoulders.

Alhamdulillah, I'm happy. InsyaAllah i will win this fight. I have to be stronger than i have ever been. Allah bless me please, show me the way, guide me for the one true career in my life. Amin.

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