Sunday, August 30, 2009

Back Again!

It has been almost 4 months since my last entry..and ever since many happenings took place in my life, my family, my working place and my country. First of all I'm now officially a mother to a 2 months and 11 days old baby girl. Since my delivery, I really wanted to share my horrifying delivery experience. BUT my health didn't permit me to do so. So here goes:

A New Beginnings

Now that I've gone through the process of giving birth, I have a new found respect for all mothers, mine included. My journey to motherhood was a roller-coaster; it started off without me expecting it, then I embraced the fact, enjoyed the full 9 months without a glitch and the path took a climax-the anticipation was overwhelming, did all the preparations and suddenly the plot turned anti-climax, my baby decided to stay a little bit longer in the womb and I was past my due date.

Anxiety was all over me, I broke down. All the excitement of having a baby was gone, I was frustrated and could easily turn myself like an incredible hulk-angry every time anyone posed me the most-hated question to me then " When are you due exactly?" or "Have you given birth?" So frustrated was I, many time I broke down in tears and sometime in angst towards my unborn baby-I jumped, I ran in a futile attempt to fasten the delivery.

Days turn to weeks- the baby still did not want to come out. Pass my due date which was on 15th June, I went to hospital P -fully prepared mentally and physically to give birth- Only to find myself shooed away by the doctors there! Although I was already 2cm dilated, they did not want to take me in-saying there were insufficient beds. BUT that was bull- they simply turned me down because I reckon I was not a P resident, thus they asked me to go to the nearest hospital in my residency. BULL! I, who obviously was not aware with all of the bureaucracy wanted so much to go to that hospital since I was told by a few trusted person, it's the best government hospital one could ask for in Selangor or even in Malaysia. (of course I disagree with this statement soon after that incident)

Seen here like 3 days before given birth. After that humiliating being sent away by ignorant hospital P doctors and was 2cm dilated, I forced myself to take a walk in the park in attempt for a bloody show so I can return to the hospital for delivery

Reluctantly I obeyed. Went home in anger,frustration all mixed to one. Days to me then passed me by too slowly. Filled my days with excessive walking (window shopping mainly) fully determined to get the baby out.BUT she still did not budge. The weekly antenatal check-up was not helping either; though they were equally anxious and some nurses appeared worried, the bloody resident doctor was not! (seriously, I really curse thee) Her consultation to me was impudent in every manner imaginable.

Obviously dissatisfied, I went to a different clinic (not government) and to my surprise, the doctor advised me for an induce labor. He told me,since it's past my due date, the chances of the baby suffocating due the lack of amniotic fluid is higher and through his observation, my baby was pretty much heading that way. Thus, it was best that I to be induced.

Surely you can imagine how worried I was upon hearing that. He later wrote me a referral letter for admission. That night, was a sleepless night for both hubby and I. The baby was finally coming! I was restless, imagination run wild and practically was up the whole night. As planned, the very morning, we headed to hospital P for the very much anticipated birth. Luckily this time around the doctors there didn't turn me down, I was checked thoroughly and they agreed for an induced labor upon the circumstances. Admitted about 3 pm and reality of giving birth slowing starts to kick in. BUT my worries for the first few hours was really about constipation. I knew (from reading) that an hour or so before the whole delivery process starts, the doctors will ask you to expel your bowel content as to avoid any of those getting out while you're pushing the baby. You don't want to have poo poo mistaken for a baby when contraction takes over. And since I haven't poo poo for almost 3 days, I'm so worried that I was unable to do so and risk excreting my waste instead of baby.

And although I've conveyed my worry to the attending nurses, they didn't help me with that until it was almost dangerously late. Got to my bed, unpacked the begs and I don't even get to warmed the bed enough, was surprised when the ward doctor told me I was already 4cm dilated! She literally poked the amniotic sac (though I wasn't aware of that) and told non-nonchalantly that I was on my way to give birth! The next minute, I was bleeding heavily, and soon, everything started to paced up; the nurses tubed an IV, gave me a rectal stimulant to help the constipation and I was on my way to the delivery room.

Since it was my first time at childbirth, was really excited about it all. So much so, some nurses extended their admiration for my casualness regarding the whole ordeal. Of course my smiling, gullible self was no more insight right after they induced me in the labor room. At 6pm, the attending doctors was flabbergasted to found me only 4cm dilated! The stupid thing was, she asked me why was I brought down to the labor room since i'm still far away from giving birth. How was I to know; I'm the sitting duck-I'm the patient-the guinea pig.

At this point I was a sorry ass having thought that this hospital P was 'A' class. I felt helpless. There I was, bleeding between my legs for crying out loud and those ignorant fools could still argue about me not suppose to be induced! Luckily, one of the doctors weren't ignorant enough. She comforted me saying everything will be alright. Explaining that I now really need to be induced since the ward doctor already poked the amniotic sac, they could not wait any longer.

The induce drugs not only introduced me to the real feeling of excruciating contractions (no more braxton hicks, those are nothing!), the drugs really induced pain. Period. Little did I know, I was on a very tough journey in becoming a mother. BUT after 3 hours, that induced drugs that was supposed to force the contractions hence fastening the labor didn't do much justice for me. I was still less than 6cm dilated. Which only means I have more contractions battling hours to fight, more intolerable pain to endure, more risk of baby dying.

A picture of me a few moments after delivery. Tired but certainly glad it all went well and the baby's was fine.

For those of you who aren't mothers, let me guarantee that labor pain is really painful. There's no word best describe the pain really, no wonder it's rated at number 2 on the most painful of pains one human has to go through after sakaratul maut-that is the onset of death. Realising that I was risking endangering myself and the baby, the doctors increase the drugs and those pain I've been describing-intensified tremendously! Finally, I was dilated more and effaced as too ease the labor process.

One common question asked to me after post-partum was "How does it feel to give birth?" Apart from the aforementioned pain, the part when your baby decides to pop-out is really like having one nasty, huge poo poo that refuse to come out. Thus, you have to use all your might to push it out because it's just too discomforting, your abdomen cramps like never before and it's just horrible, right until the baby pops-out! And then it's smooth sailing. At least that was how I felt. Pure relief. All the other part, the parts and parcels of labor such as the cutting-off a little part of your vagina's skin, the sutures of those cuts after, is nothing with what you have to go through in the first place.

BUT of course you'll be given a sedatives, morphines, drugs to ease those pain throughout the process. Mine was gas. I love it. It was my "best-friend" for the whole 8 hours of labor pain! I love it so much that I refused to take it off during suture, that it made me loca! It made me feeling high! And made me saying things, some of it really bad remarks to people around me at that time.

Anyways, there. The whole 8-9 hours of delivery experience all reduced to words here in this blog. BUT nothing, absolutely nothing can compare with the real deal. I can only write it down here for people to read, including myself surely, but in my mind, i can vividly recall the graphics.

The fruit of my labor; my labor pain that is: Nur Raihanna Iman binti Mohd Redzuan. Seen here approximately an hour after birth and she was already smiling for the camera. Clearly she was as glad as her mother was to have been safely delivered onto the real world. I love thee!

Then, there's the horrible post-partum experience which made me stood strong to my convictions that hospital P is indeed such a lousy hospital. And later to my dismay, I learned a fact that hospital P is all known as a training hospital for both doctors and nurses. No wonder almost half of the doctors I saw or met was younger than me. With that age, it would definitely make sense that their still in training or rookie doctors.

Gosh, here's a very lengthy entry of mine. Guess that equally horrible-terrifying-postpartum experience gotta wait for next time. It's almost 4 in the morning, and baby will wake soon for her early breakfast or in this case 'sahur' since it's the holy month of Ramadan now. Will scribble my thoughts later.

PS: more to come; postpartum experience, the slacking off of berpantang period, the wonders of breastfeeding and Back to reality-truly motherhood is like a roller-coaster!

My baby girl: At 2 month's old. Seen here, all smile for the camera eventhough she was feeling a little bit under the weather. Stuffy nose and slight bronchitis.