Wednesday, November 28, 2012

hardest thing is; to know which bridge to cross and which to burn.

Alas I am at that point in my life again, when faced with a dilemma as to whether I should cross this one bridge or burn it?

This decision is NOT easy.

And I don't want in any way, trying to repeat history. BUT things have been foul the minute I voiced out my intentions. Oddly, contradicting the ethos of that place.

I can understand the sentiment for the foulness. However, do they ever considered understanding mine?

It's NOT that I've taken them for a ride. and it's NOT that they have countered offered with something I could not resist.

Either way, the situation I am in, demands that I chose this path. Exit is the ONLY way.

Tried striking a 'deal' with them though, as I understand and truly hope I could accomplish whatever needed of me; however it seems that there are sinister plots set against me.

THUS, any sane and rational human would not want to be tricked in this plot they have in store for me. And why would I be any different? Why would I tolerate such injustices?

All said and done, what is appalling to me is the way things turned out, things that were said (or conveyed) was every bit the anti-thesis of what that place espouses to be.

The irony of life, yet again demonstrated in my life.

Never had I experienced such intolerance and spite when wanting to 'deguchi' from a 'shigoto'.

so the question remains: should I burn this bridge down or salvage whatever's left of it. However the former seems very unlikely. The animosity are just so high, only insane people would have the thick skin to endure those wounded tigresses.

I got to do it either way. It's either this way, or NO way at all and forever stuck at the place.

Jangan jadi 'yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikendong berciciran'. UiTM please, wait for me.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Most of the Time, Things Doesn't Go As You Planned: A repost


THIS IS A REPOST, from way back in 2008; was so miserable then just as I am today albeit the cause is different and on a totally new level. And so I thought I should repost my thoughts back then, now, as I made a poem to convey my miserableness , not too shabby (the poem) I must say (forgive the self-praise sentence here, gimme a break am a miserable soul now :D )...anywho, want to write like that again. 


::repost:: 

salams.


you've wasted so much time, energy planning for something, and yet, all that careful (or sometimes not too careful) plans had to be change, unconditionally! devastated. crashed. unbelievable.

and then there's time and time again, when u keep changing your plans (at least for me), so indecisive...like a wildflower, u let the wind determine your course..

Wildflower Phantom - by Aishah Ab Raman/ 2008 (revised 2012 in italics)
oh why is it so difficult to make believe that thee are to be mine eternally
i know i'm supposed to jump in joy,
But the heart isn't filled with that;
when time fast ticking away;
decision calls for actions,
can i be a wildflower then?
will wind take me to places?
or will there be no help from heaven..
afraid of thee i am;
when truth shall reveals;
facts deep in the heart;
affection towards thee;
are much to none;
though i try the hardest;
i fail everytime,
and now the the inevitable fast finding its way;
where to run?
how to hide?
often i'm being waken from dreams at night;
awful ones that frights;
as thee i can't find,
in those dreams that voids delight
instead cruel phantom
keeps haunting me;
sucking all energy dry
banish me now, banish me please;
for i had never been this miserable in my life;
till you came and steal my light;
leaving me to deal with plights
no fairytales just awful nightmares;
keeping me uptight
no chance of daydreaming;
never a single beaming
oh why phantom why;
did u ever make yourself known?
if it wasn't for you phantom past;
i know i'd still be miserable bee;
but not as much as i am today and forever will be.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Nothing is what it seems, apparently



It's almost 5 am on a Wednesday morning and I find myself having trouble to sleep.

Am still up & about at this wee hour and it just makes me think, how vulnerable we humans are. Often when there's something bugging the mind, we succumb to that wretchedness that the world is against us, everyone but us is happy and enjoying life; yet there's always someone else who's having more emotional or physical sufferings, the challenges they have to face are greater than us...will we be able to comprehend their troubles? Or will we be nothing but observant - watching with empathy or delight?

Reality is: everyone is tested, everyone has a sad story to tell (or not), the only difference is in the degrees of that sad story (and one's interpretation of it). You can choose to be empathetic (or at least pretend that you are) OR totally be insensitive about it. After all, the struggle is theirs to fight and lest you can help them is morally, for humanity sake.

For this reason: Aren't humans complicated creatures?  Because of this 'gift' of being able to 'feel', makes us different than the rest. Is this 'gift' a gift at all? When being 'feeling-less' seems more easy as we can be oblivion to our surroundings. I put forth a piece of poem from Rumi, that says it all about being human and dealing with this vulnerability called feelings.


This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
Some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
Who violently sweep your house
Empty of its furniture,
Still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
For some new delight.


— Rumi

A joy and feeling depressed the next. I've been in this situation exactly. I, often envy at those who seems to have it all - at least emotionally. Emotionally contented. Happy. On prozac with no worries in the world. Or are they really? To know exactly the 'cure' is to find out the 'problem'. What is causing the unhappiness in one's life?

My most troubling variables would be the fear of losing my loved ones, failing health and losing everything I have. I am listing them in order of most feared:

1) Death (surprised like in accident) of loved ones
2) Deteriorating health (especially ending up in veggied state)
3) Unable to finish my MA and break MOHE contract and have to pay RM200k
4) Lose job and have no means to help my parents
5) LOSE EVERYTHING (material especially)

At this point of life, my worst fears is number 3. However, I placed it third after death and health as both of the variables are indeterminate - it can happen any time, any day (God forbid). BUT number 3, now that's the real 'ghost' of my life. The real bugger now. And that have a timeline. Latest by March 2013. (God forbid, too). If number 3 takes place, number 4 will follow suit soon after - resulting a possible number 5.

SubhanAllah, Laiilahaillah. La hawlawala quwatailabillah.

Am treading on dangerous grounds. They say, your action is your future. At this pace, I am taking on multitasking (i thought am a superwoman) - I must make decision and not be afraid of what others would think of me. As others are not listed in my worst fears in life.

O Allah show me the way. Make this dream a reality and don't let any of the listed fears I have, come knocking on my door. For once, I want to make my parents happy and really proud of me. For once, I want to be proud of me. For once, I want to really feel contented. I want to finish what I have started and embark on another, fruitful more meaningful journey in this life. I am almost there at my destiny. Seal the deal for me. Let me triumphantly breezed all my endeavors. Forlorn shall not be in my life anymore than anyone else's with such burden as I to bear.

O Allah, Most gracious You Know best.

ps: Am letting this one out for the world to know; be it empathetic or insensitive - you world, take the vote. Though remember you must, that what goes around comes around. Lest you want the same forlornness befalls you, you'd be that insensitive hearts wishing that others suffers intolerable pain in their journey in this thing called, life.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Tsukaretta Desu.

Neglecting my blog again with any new updates.

It has got to that point when even any mere scribbling for the sole purpose of updating posts, is akin to labour intensive task for me - real demanding of time and energy, both of which I am deprived lately.

Am I complaining? God no (and knows).

Sigh.

Truth is, am just so beat ever since embarking that journey since August. It is really demanding, as it is totally a 180 degrees shift of what I am familiar with or good at.

Heck, I don't feel am good at this new journey...

So dear diary (and me modest visitors - though occasionally), I just have this to share:

1) Reckon that academia journey will be seeing more halts and delays, as the my sv's existence to me has been reduced to past tense. The sv is now a Was my sv. So, in early September, I was forced to scout for a new sv. After many headaches, begging and just relentless efforts of appearing sordid in the faculty; one kind soul willing to accommodate. Bless thee indeed. And, good thing, thee did not ask for any major revamps on me piece; except trimming them and amending my citations style to Chicago rather than APA. Seems petty and easy-peasy? Not quite. Citations, and other technicalities can be so, demanding the same way any amendments on content would. Anyway, the morale : Ganbarre ne Aisha chan! Yosh! 

2) Due to my inadequacies in these new areas of Public Relations/ Marketing aka the mediator- making me restless and a caducus morbus prone, delirus self-induced amongst others (read: drama queen alert). OK less dramatic, these uncharted waters for me did have an effect - total anxiety, and caused me recent altus-sanguinis pressionem. The culprit, non-other than me lack of confidence and perhaps desire to carry out the task as that said locum.

Alas, no glory is easily attained. Road to success if often treacherous, as they say; yet one has to embraced it, no matter what. Believing the rewards at the end, would surpass any sweetness one can imagine. I want that sweetness! For now, am just plain tsukaretta (japanese for tired) and so I'll take a rest and smell the roses (or count me blessings too) in between popping my high-blood pressure deterrent- prescribed pills, hoping the readings won't get any higher than "Mild" zone of 150/85! 

yosh! happy thoughts. March on. Bring the game. Life can be pain. Oh well...:)

ps: in efforts to reduce-stress, i have enrolled in Mandarin class at my uni, twice a week for 12 weeks! Only vocab I learnt? Ni, de, women (not plural for woman ok) and never-ending revision by my laoshi (teacher) of the difficult though melodic pronunciation of Pinyin. Let me tell ya, 学习普通话很难.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Blast from the past

Was tracing the name of one of Bunkyo Gakuin's Professor that serves as the Director-General of National Federation of Unesco Associations  and also the VP of that university, Noguchi Sensei...and I found something from the past. Reading through the article, could not help but to think that I was part of that, and now in retrospect, I could see how important and big this deal was to me dear alma mater - UiTM and also Bunkyo Gakuin. I was part of my UiTM's history. That is huge deal. Should pat myself on the back more. :-)

UiTM bertaraf dunia 2006 (07/04/2004 11:45 a.m.)


UNIVERSITI Teknologi Mara (UiTM) akan diisytiharkan sebagai sebuah universiti bertaraf dunia menjelang tahun 2006. Naib Canselornya, Profesor Datuk Seri Profesor Dr. Ibrahim Abu Shah berkata, UiTM kini sedang agresif membuat persiapan bagi mencapai taraf itu. Menurutnya, persiapan itu dilakukan sejak lama dahulu dan hasilnya kini telah pun diperoleh terutama dalam melahirkan graduan berkualiti serta laku di pasaran kerjaya.

Katanya, ada banyak kriteria yang perlu dipenuhi untuk menjadi universiti bertaraf dunia dan kriteria itu bukan terhad kepada aspek prasarana semata-mata. Beliau berkata, sungguhpun aspek prasarana penting, ada aspek lain yang perlu diberi perhatian serius dalam mencapai matlamat itu. ``Aspek ini ialah mengeluarkan graduan yang laris di pasaran kerja dalam dan luar negara,'' katanya pada sidang akhbar selepas Majlis Menandatangani Memorandum Perjanjian (MoA) di antara UiTM dan Universiti Bunkyo Gakuin, Jepun di Shah Alam, baru-baru ini.

Turut hadir pada majlis itu ialah Presiden Bunkyo Gakuin University, Akiko Shimada dan Timbalan Presidennya, Profesor Noboru Noguchi serta Pengurus Kumpulan Latihan dan Pembangunan, Sime Darby Berhad, De. Mohd Kamal Khir. Sime Darby pada majlis itu menyumbang RM40,000 bagi membiayai sebahagian perbelanjaan dua pelajar UiTM sepanjang berada di Bunkyo Gakuin University. MoA yang ditandatangani itu membolehkan kedua-dua universiti menjalin kerjasama akademik menerusi program pertukaran pelajar.

Sebagai permulaan, dua pelajar Universiti Bunkyo Gakuin akan belajar di UiTM selama setahun, mulai bulan Jun ini. Manakala UiTM akan menghantar dua pelajarnya ke universiti berkenaan untuk tempoh setahun pada bulan September ini. Read more here

Looking back at the fact that Ken and I was selected out of that 200,000 students; 20 faculties, 40 states campus, 198 programs for this memorable journey, is exhilarating. Sugoi ne

With Bunkyo Gakuin Daigaku President (and owner) Akiko Shimada Sensei.
With Bunkyo Gakuin's VP and UNESCO Director-General, Prof. Noboru Noguchi Sensei

ZUTTO NIHON  TOTEMO NATSUKASHII... nihon ni ikitai demo ima zannen kara okane ga arimasen :D

p/s: teringat kata2 beberapa insan Allah yang pernah 'mengejek' aku ketika sesi 'temuramah' tidak formal di tempat itu tahun lepas dan ketika aku berada di tempat itu; seorang berkata "yeke you budak PJ, you macam kampung je" (merujuk kepada cara pemakaian tudung aku), seorang lagi "alah, resume you biasa je", dan seorang lagi "oh, dia ada DUA tahun pengalaman tau..."(walhal diri ini punya empat tahun, namun entah mana silapnya itu tidak dikira sebagai pengalaman atau dia yang berkata-kata itu tidak pandai mengira)...

namun kira-kira 2 minggu lepas aku jadi lebih teringat apabila menghadiri satu lagi sesi 'temuramah' di sebuah badan bukan kerajaan yang agak berpengaruh dalam negara malah ditunjangi daripada kalangan mereka yang cerdik pandai (tidak keterlaluan lebih pandai dan lebih tahu dari insan-insan yang disebut aku dalam ayat sebelum ini di tempat itu), namun sepanjang sesi tersebut, tidak sekali mereka 'mengejek' (judgmental) terhadap aku, malah berkata "you got impressive resume" dan paling penting AMAT tertarik dengan pengalaman aku di Bunkyo Gakuin sebagai wakil pertama PERTAMA UiTM.

Mereka juga tidak pernah bertanya tentang kelulusan spm...apatah lagi mahu menyalin keputusan SPM aku sebagai bukti aku budak Petaling Jaya seperti dua umat disebut di atas yang berada di tempat itu. typical elitist malay mentality- likes to patronize people...oh well, am here now at this place at this time, embracing new challenges, meeting new minds for an enlightening journey in unraveling issues of faith, equality, justice, compassion, and pursuit of knowledge. best thing, they thus far never puts on judgemental face and that holier-than-thou act. Refreshing indeed.

p/s2: am in no way inferring that I am smart or got an impressive resume, just merely scribbling me disappointment that there are still some people in this world who likes to think they know people by the way they dress is absurd. it is appalling even more that these people hold high positions in office ie: leaders/ super seniors in a corporation, yet loves to belittle people that don't know of. 

Sunday, July 29, 2012

One last, cold kiss.

Salam.


It was just like any other day. Working as an executive in a corporation, where she works 5 days a week, 8 hours a day. Career life is carefully juggled in between raising an adorable tot and cooking up a storm almost every day after work for that other half. He dislikes take-outs. Naturally, weekends would be a day she’d look forward to each week. For that is the only time she would sit back, relax and not really worry about multitasking. Weekends, is purely for family. She loves this routine, and doesn’t mind at all that she might be viewed as not living up a more ‘colourful’ or ‘happening’ life, like most of her colleagues.


But this weekend would be the toughest. Life without the other half who is sent for an outstation work for a week, added to that she was feeling a bit under the weather, her son included. For a tiny frame such as hers, being sick for a couple a days would mean losing weight just as easily and that would drain her energy even more.


“Oh Almighty Allah. Give me the strength. For I sure could use that this weekend”
She would find herself praying in whispers every now and then. She looks over her shoulder and sees her lovely son is fast asleep. Her mind is racing about planning her day, tomorrow although fatigue would love for her to just shuts down and embrace the gentleness of the silk’s duvet on her skin. Quickly, she realised that there is a book she has yet to finish. Reading had always been her passion. But ever since she got herself “mama” title, her readings are being downsized to the back of a cereals box. Or chocolate wraps. She has a sweet tooth.


Her equally tired hands reached out the side table where a book halfway read was left untouched by her since last two months. It reads “Memento mori, memento vivere". She continues reading a chapter.


Death is never an easy thing to deal with. What is death, really? Nobody knows for sure how death feels like, as no one has ever sprung back to life, and lived to tell the tale. It is in this uncertainty, the fear of the unknown, maketh death a concept that is feared by many. When someone dies, we know that person has stopped breathing. Life has seized to exist and the person becomes nothing but a body. Lifeless. Helpless. To the believers, this empty, elusive concept that is death makes us mere mortals. It is what separates us as the subordinate to the powers that be. Surely, there will be time when we would come across stories of people that have gone ‘through’ that ‘tunnel of light’ and back. Stories such as these, rare as it may be, will give goose bumps for the fear hearted. But would be totally rubbished by the cynics. Indeed, death is man's worst fears.


She flips the page. Checks on her son who is sleeping next to her on the same bed. No, I am not spoiling him and I am just lonely, she finds herself muttered. What does it feel to lose someone? Someone you really love? Someone you've shared your life with? This is a question she finds herself struggling to answer and truthfully, hope would never need to face with. It is a scenario, she can only imagine. Yes, there had been some deaths in the family, but never involving the immediate member of that nucleus family of hers. Yet, the pain and sorrow was still devastating.

“I still cannot believe Hitomi has left us. His passing is too sudden and shocking.” She looks at the other half and sharing her thoughts yet again on the recent demise of a dear friend of theirs. The other half doesn’t seem to be interested let alone concentrating on her. She gave him a nudge.

“Mama, everyone dies. Today it’s Hitomi. Next, it could be you or me or Annie, our irritating neighbour of which I wouldn’t mind at all if she’ll be gone too soon and sudden on any of these days. Life goes on. I’ll be ok if you go first the same way I hope you are if I were to go first.” The other half smirked.

“Do you think you can face it if I were to die first before you?” She quickly throws that question to the other half. Silence. The other half seemed to not care as he resumes back to immersing himself to the sounds of his song lists, with soundproof, super in-ear headphones. Equally occupied are his hands, glued to a darling, super sleek, white tablet he had recently purchased.

This non-responsive act the other half keeps serving her is not new and verily, never been pleasant, but she has learned to adapt to it and consoles herself every time the other half does it. Her inner voice tells her the other half cares for her. He just lacks emotion. She reassures herself. He must care for me and be crushed if I were to die before him, because that is what people would be if their beloved spouse dies, isn’t it? That’s what you see in the movies. Please look at me and for once say that you care for me. Her inner voice keeps on badgering the mind. Please. She begs further. Please. Her inner voice becomes weaker.

Please.

She could feel cold tears running down the cheeks. Cold. Icy cold. She lifts her hands to wipe them off quickly as the other half hates to see her crying. Hands were lifted but she couldn’t actually wipe the tears. The cheeks were not wet anymore. The only thing she felt was her cold, chilled cheeks. She tries to get up and sees her son is no longer beside her. She panicked. She looked around to find him. Nothing. Again, that coldness engulfed her. It is so chilling she tries to find that comfy duvet of hers, but that too was missing.

“Mama!” There it was a familiar voice yet no familiar face for her to see. That voice was getting louder as she tries to find it.

“Mama!” Confusion seeps over. She gets more disoriented. Light headed.
She was to find herself again, tearing up inside. Where is thee?
“Here, mama. Don’t cry, don’t be afraid. It’s going to be ok. You’ll be fine.” That voice says. But, still there was no image only sound.

“Just so you know, I lied. All this while, I was lying to you. I will never be ok. I will never be the same. I cannot live without you. Who would take care of us now, mama? Mama, papa loves you. So much.” 


That voice was breaking up. She finally starts to see the face. That familiar face uttering that magical words she had long to hear. This time, there were no more tears. She was crying a river. Yet, a cold river that couldn’t be felt but she knows, the tears are real. She feels her other half’s fingers on her cheeks, caressing ever so gently. She could feel the love. The love she had thought was diminishing. She would then feel his warm lips against her cheeks. That broke her. She feels her throat choking up, wanting to say back to this utterly devastated, sad familiar face that she is sorry and...she forgives him.

“Mama, my other half... I am sorry that I could only now kiss your cold cheeks and not when it was full of warmth, life. This cheeks with its dimples every time you smile... I will miss em all. Mama, I am guilty of this one, last, cold kiss”. And with that, the other half cries uncontrollably, the first time she has seen him that way.
-------------

For every death, there would be a funeral. They say, funerals will give closure. It is that final chance to say goodbye and part ways with the departed. TODAY, unfortunately, I have again said goodbye to another departed soul. A soul that was ever so kind, gentle and loved by many. She has a face of an angel, that was always smiling. She, rarely gets angry as if 'angry' is never on her vocabulary.

She, was Allahyarhamah Nur Syaleza Jaffar (March 1981-July 2012), a mother to a beautiful tot, an obedient wife and a daughter to a loving parents. But to me, she was an ex-colleague, that was ever so helpful. When I started my career back in the days at that place, only the three of us; Azley, her and I were LC staffs. Yes, we started from the 'lowest' point of the 'food chain' (although she has started work a few months earlier than me).

(Above) Her FB profile picture that she had just recently changed. Seen here at her workstation

As LCs, we would always "look out" for each other everytime of the month when salary is due. This was because, our salary were paid in cheques. I remember there were a few times I would bank-in her cheques and that was when I realised her salary was even lower than me. Yet, I was always complaining about my predicament, whereas she would always say "Nak buat macam mana Aishah. Takpelah." (Translation: Oh well, What can we do Aishah. It's OK). Yes she is the epitome of fine muslimah-soft-spoken, gentle, caring, always positive. Hence, I called her "kakak" although we're only one year apart in age. Yet, she and Azley persevered whereas I, as the writings in this nonsensical blogs have it; bowed out 'half-way' through my fight.

Thus, when she finally got a permanent employment and better increments only quite recently, I have nothing but admiration for her endurance and passion in that place. She was a real hardworker, always put others' need above hers. Her job is only administrative, but she oftens go that extra mile, 'spoiling' us with her careful, systematic work e.g. she would complete the necessary details in our claim forms etc. That place I remember is quite lacking in computers. So, often we would "crash" her workspace, using her pc for leisures and she never throw a fit to any of us.

Kullun nafsin za ikatul maut. For every living creatures must die. It is indeed as promised by Allah. Not a second too late. Her passing is sudden and tragic. She has indeed gone too soon.

Al-fatihah Kak Syasya farhana (a nickname given by another ex-colleague of mine), may you rest in peace and Allah bless your soul and place you amongst the syuhadas in jannah. No more multitasking, no more worries, just be...happy.

Although I have left the place for 2 full years, the memories of that first four colourful and challenging years at that place will never be forgotten. She was unlike any other admin executive. She was part of the beating heart that was vital in TV9's operations. And within that close perimeters, all of us developed a bond of more than mere co-workers. We were all like small, extended family to each other.

My dua for you Kak Syasya, and thank you for giving me the chance to see you for one final time, bidding goodbyes and for that one last, cold kiss on the cheeks. You are as radiant as I remember you to be.
Al-fatihah.

For more information and updates on her death, you can refer to Hazrey and Mazidul Akmal Sidik alternatively for personal accounts on her, check out En. Lokman Hamidi and Hilmi Ali.
 
PS: the "story" in the earlier parts of this entry is purely fictional, concocted from my unstable emotions in reference to this loss, fuelled with my wild, nonsensical imaginations in trying to convey that difficult moment when one part ways with their beloveds. usually, we would give a gentle kiss on the cheeks of the deceased, that one last, cold kiss. Kak sya, you will always be remembered, may justice prevails for you. Aamin.

Saturday, June 30, 2012

"Spin Doctor" Spotted at Malaysian Insider!


First of all, I would consider myself as one of those avid 'alternative news' reader, and  Malaysian Insider is being one of them. Having a journalism background I do have a little bit of idea that NO media is 100% UNBIASED, although for a political conscious Malaysian Insider, like most seemingly "alternative online news" that purportedly called themselves as unbiased, widely practices spin, omission, deviation to any political news content to suit their agenda, the same way all the BN owned media. I mean that is just how things work. HOWEVER I just could not help myself to comment about this particular report that is being 'reproduce' and circulated in the Yahoo! Malaysia as it confirms the 'rumors' that Yahoo! just as the rest of the so called liberal, democratic, Internet - is NOT so liberal anyways. there is indeed ulterior motive in the cyberspace particularly in reference to Malaysian political online activism.

Hence, as someone who is doing research about new media, I could not help but to 'investigate' this particular report as I find it in my view,is an effort to strained the relationship of father-daughter of Marina and Tun M, trumping up their political differences and subsequently giving the impression that Tun M is a bad father because he is against his daughter's 'liberal, just, democratic' ideals.

Look at the followings:


The former prime minister said this in an interview with online television station The Malaysian Observer (MobTV).
“She doesn’t care about what people think. I care about what people think... if not, I won’t get anywhere.
“Maybe it’s because she has no ambition so she speaks her mind. I cannot agree with the things she is doing, but nowadays you cannot tell your children ‘please stop this, please stop that’; they have a mind of their own,” said the country’s longest-serving prime minister.

Now, the 'spin doctor' clearly 'caught red-handed' in Malaysian Insider. check out the part that said, Tun M said about Marina; "she has NO [emphasis added] ambition..she speaks her mind.." 

when in real recording, Tun said, "maybe because she doesn't have an ambition..A POLITICAL AMBITION" - clearly they omitted that part "a political ambition" in which i think would make his statement valid (make sense) as to the issue of why Marina seems to appear 'against' what her father's stand for; "undeniable that she does a lot of thing that's politically incorrect" (the exact words of the interviewer verbatim).

and same goes to the other part highlighted in this Malaysian insider's report; when it said, tun said "she doesn't care what people think, i care about what people think" when in actual fact he was saying "you (interviewer) are saying she doesn't care of what people think as being me i care of what people think.." this issue whether she care or careless are the interviewer's inferring Marina's seemingly 'liberal principles' eg: LGBT issues etc.


Thus, one cannot help but to wonder the obvious; what does Malaysian Insider had to gain from this report? Be careful of your actions, Tun Mahathir warns daughter

I for one, finds this sad, as I thought (although I knew it is difficult to believe, but you know one of those 'wishful thinking') Malaysian Insider could be different from the rest especially MalaysiaKini that is so screamingly slanted towards the opposition. NOTHING about the good of the government is being reported there (the same reason why i 'moved' to another plateau of the alternatives). Of course, those of the learned will know about this straight up just as there should be aware off of the skewed reporting in Mainstream, BN-owned Media. Again, all MEDIA essentially have their own specific agenda. Regardless, to go for a report like this, straining (although mere perceptions maybe) relationships of the Tun and the other M sitting on the opposite side of the fence (or some say on the fence vis-a-vis neutral) is derogating the online news' conviction of being 'impartial' of political situations.

I guess that is exactly why they don't highlight this following piece from the interview;-
 
Q: tun in a country to be able to develop potentially, politicians must be able to take criticism against them I remember during your 22 years; you were called the worst possible names, books of horrendous nature written about you, have you sued anybody during your time?


A: never, I did say sometime as politician we must respect this and the only way you can counter this is to explain that what they say about you is not true, some people will believe some people will not believe, but to shut up people in their criticisms by suing them in court is as same as censoring the press for example is worse than censoring the press.



this was made in reference to this question:-


Q: and I understand that you recently made a statement that wondering as to why datuk seri anwar Ibrahim who  suing almost everybody but not suing datuk murad did you ask that question?

A; yes yes because anwar’s idea of how to prevent attacks against him is to sue you in court,  he sued me for one hundred million dollars, simply because I repeated the appeals of what the judges has said in the case of, in the findings regarding the sodomy charge, for that, for repeating the words of the judge I was sued by him such was the way the his lawyers conducted the case, that it lasted almost five years.  Now we very respectful of the court, now with the thing with the court we don’t talk, it is called subjudice, so for five years I wasn’t able to say anything, in my own defense and in the end of course they found that there was no case, and he has been suing everybody, he talks a lot of freedom of speech, and that he will be very open and all but the moment somebody says something about him, he sue them in court and he is profitable, it is profitable because he sue me for one hundred million if he wins he might get one hundred million but when he lost he was fined 70 thousand dollars, so it is profitable for people like him to sue in court, to abuse, the system the judiciary system of this country.


ANWAYS you could listen and spend your precious democratic liberal time of 35minutes for the whole interview here RAPERA- Bersama Mantan PM, Tun Mahathir 

or alternatively, you could peruse the transcript that i made (as part of my research work not for the sake of this argument) below:-


Host/ Interviewer: Jahaberdeen Mohamad yunoos.

Q: Tun, you had been out of office for more than 10 years (tun M interrupted: not, quite 8 years) , oh almost 8 years, you had a very busy 22 years as a prime minister, now one would look towards a retirement, it appears in your dictionary there is no retirement from serving the people and the country, now why is it that you are still very active.

A:  you know I, I’ve been trained as a doctor, and I believe when you retire you don’t do anything you die very quick,  so you must keep active all the time.  Show an interest in things and that will keep you going,  so  besides that of course I am interested in what’s happening in the country, and if there is anything I can do to be of help, for me this is payback period, people happy to be with the prime  minister before now is my turn to help them with their politics.

Q: sir, you’ve been the prime minister for 22 years, and I understand through those years when you were the PM you have discourage many of your children to enter politics, in fact I don’t remember any of  your children being active in politics during your  premiership that  is rather unfair for your children to serve the country also, why…what do you think? Do you think it would be unfair in that sense? 

A:  I was very selfish , I was thinking about myself, I don’t want people to accuse me of nepotism, of trying to set up a dynasty, so I actually told my children not to be involve politics not to business with government after I retire they can do it, so um now that I’ve retired I have not stopped them,  and if they want to be in politics, they are welcomed. 

Q:  But don’t you think it is rather ironical tun, you have set those kinds of ideals because you don’t want to be accused of nepotism and so on as you say, is ironical in the sense if you look at the opposition party for example you look at the PKR, the wife the daughter similarly DAP as well so in your case, while you want to maintain the idealism, don’t you think for example if you look at datuk Mukhriz, he may have lost out the grassroots for instance.  Your idealism appears not to be shared with the opposition parties. 

A:  well I am not insisting that they should it is up to the people to evaluate them as to whether they like people who practice nepotism but as far as Mukhriz is concern, I knew that he was interested but not allowing him into politics while I was the PM he couldn’t start as early as I did, because I started in politics at the age at 21. So he did not have that headstart, so he’s struggling now , he is finding things very difficult, because he has to establish himself.

Q: In fact he made a recent statement in the press,  there were talk there are people who wants him to be the Menteri Besar of kedah,  he actually said that he is not looking for positions let things evolve by themselves,  as a father, now that you’re out of the official politics, would you not help him?

A: I would help him, but what he does, what position he holds, is up to the party, if they nominate him as the Menteri besar, I would support him, but normally you don’t nominate a person for Menteri besar because you don’t know whether he is going to win or not.  You just nominate him for either a state seat or a federal seat. So that would be indicative of his future. 

Q:  tun, you have a lot of children, If I may say use the word a colourful set of children for example you have one son who is into motor racing, F1 formula,  and you have one daughter datin paduka marina who is in the sense appears to be very principle like you who doesn’t really care of what other people think and undeniable that she does a lot of thing that’s politically incorrect. But that shows her principle and what she believes in her conscience now some of her positions, statements she has made, it appears to be against what you stand for. Surely being that kind of person, you can’t complain can you.

A: you are saying she doesn’t care of what people think as being like me I care of what people think because if I don’t care I don’t get anywhere, maybe because she doesn’t have an ambition, political ambition,  she speaks her mind, I cannot agree  with what she is doing, but in this day you cannot stop your children from doing what they think, because they have a mind of their own, but I do hope that she will realise that what she is doing is not good for herself, not good for the government party at least, she is not a member I think, I think she should also be sensitive about her brother who is contesting in the elections.

Q: tun there is another view to that, if I may, datin paduka marina is a very remarkable person, even in my own eyes, because she seems to speak up for the underprivileged, I mean many children of politician and you, the former prime minister, would not speak up the way she does, don’t you think that’s a remarkable trait in a person and the Malaysian society should actually be more mature to realise that in your family, there are different groups of people with different ideal. As a father what do u think.

A;  well she speaks for the under, underdog it’s fine, I don’t like this idea associating herself from Bersih,  been hijacked, by the politician I don’t agree she has never said this, but Bersih and this other movement that believe in men marry man, woman marry woman,  she never said that she supports that but I hope she doesn’t .

Q;  um tun I think on that point I think you were referring to LBGT, if I understand datin paduka marina very clearly, she has never supported men marry men, woman marry woman,  I think what’s she’s fighting for is against the oppression of those who are already of that nature by certain quarters. This is something that is misunderstood, maybe tun you…

A;  a yes I understand, I never stopped her because she cares for these people who are indeterminate in terms of her sex, that I can understand, but she has to draw a line between that and this idea that homo sexual is ok, man marry man is ok, and all that, that I disagree entirely.

Q: tun still a, a little bit on datin paduka marina, don’t you think that the way she carries herself they way she associated herself with NGOs, the way she associated herself with the underprivileged not not just tht LGBT, but for example, she helps AIDS for instance, she does a lot of work for the youths,  don’t you think she represents the new generations, the new youth who want to be very involve, in social activities. Those days you have all these things done by the politicians now we have if you like datin paduka marina, a non-governmental individual moving these things. Don’t you think she represent the new day, the new era of today?

A:  not so new, in the past we have voluntary organisations not they are called NGOs, that’s the only different, now they call NGOs doing quite the same work,  in terms of charity etcetera. Now she gets mixed up with Bersih, Bersih is accusing this government of fiddling around with elections, now if this government were to fiddle around with elections,  now the opposition would never win any seats. But in this country the opposition has always won, even captured home states, there maybe some hanky-panky but it is not of the kind that you see in some authoritarian countries so the degree is not the same and the manner to by-pass elections, and overthrow government that is not something that is, needed in Malaysia. Because if you want to overthrow government, through the elections process you can throw the government. 

Q: you’re saying theres a big difference between democracy and mock-cracy…(tun cuts off)

A: mock cracy, street demos, but actually the democracy is about the majority, what we are saying now the overbearing influence of the minority, as if the minority rejects the rights of the majority, to to..oh well, willpower. 

Q: tun, on that subject,  there is feeling there is perception that, in the past four years, suddenly, new political era in Malaysia, there is greater liberalisation, there is more democratic space, you have the people feeling, that  there is better expression,  do you think that is so or do you think it is kind of fallacy going on?

A: well it appear to be a little bit more liberal on the part of the government, but actually they don’t study these things very well,  I was wondering supposing you say anybody can set up any political party,  you will not be jail for setting up political party and all that or hindered in any way, but then somebody comes along and branch the alqaeda here, that’s political do we allow that? Or somebody wants to have a communist party in this country, do you allow that? So you see that you will have to see these things right through, if you do this, what will happen in the future? Even the ISA, um supposed to be reversed,  we find that the advance countries of the world, (interviewer interrupts, yes the America) are now detaining people without even the benefit of the law, for example in Guantanamo, there is people who has been detained there for more than 10 years.  Aa why are they doing it? There are doing it because they think it is in their interest, security of their country, we have the ISA to ensure there is no, racial clashes in this country, because that is bad for the country.

Q: Tun on this issue of liberalisation again, you are saying that while we can enjoy this liberalisation you say we could not be so euphoric about it, without thinking about the country interests, why you’re concern, you concern that this liberalisation might be taken by any irresponsible quarters for instance, do you concern, apprehension?

A:  no, any policy that you have must be for the benefit of the country and in democracy of course ‘of the country’ means, benefit  of the majority we cannot satisfy anybody, but when the minority tries to hijack the power of the majority,  by resorting to disruptive ways like streets demonstration, you are actually denying democracy, taking away the power of the majority, the rights of the majority, simply because you are more vocal you laud, yes lauder you see when you have liberal attitudes the people who will seize the opportunities will not be the majority, it will be the extremist, in any community the extremist will be first one,  to make use of this, and in fact to abuse this, and  the moderates usually dare not go against the extremist,  because they will become subjected to a lot of abuse, so the moderates will just keep quiet, and today a lot of people come and see me and asked me whether I think this country becoming very race conscious, more race conscious than before, in fact they think we are all racists now,.

Q: what is the, on the point of this racism, when prime minister Najib announce 1malaysia, I personally thought that was a radical announcement coming an umno president,  bearing in mind you did talk about bangsa Malaysia a long long time ago, but I can understand the sentiment of umno, now this 1malaysia, I myself got very excited, it gives the idea that we no longer talk about ketuanan melayu, we no longer talk about the Chinese, kadazan dusun and so forth, a tun, do you think this 1malaysia has fired up the imagination of the people in this country?

A: no the movements’ people are still talking more about themselves, about their race, about their rights, about their privileges, you must remember, the privileges are not only for the Malays and the bumiputras, the non-malays are also privilege because only in this country do people still indentifies themselves with their origins, are allowed to have their language, culture, their school system, and to stay apart, we are not one at all, we find, people are still segregated under the british of course you see the Indians stay in the estates, the Malays in the rural, the Chinese in the cities, 

Q: and shouldn’t we do something about it tun to to bring them together?

A: yeah we tried to do something about it but there were objections, for example we thought that since we’re gonna have Indians, Chinese schools, national Indian and Chinese schools,  why not put them on a campus? So that at least, they will come in contact with one another in that age, so that they know that this is a multiracial country, but the Chinese educationists vehemently objected to have their children go near Malay children even, that is the effect of what their opposition if that is not racist I don’t know what is.

Q: isn’t it ironic and peculiar that while our government has got this 1malaysia concept at the same time,  even DAP is talking about this Malaysian Malaysia, everybody is seem to be talking about 1malaysia, and as you got your point pointed out, only recent we got the issues of vernacular schools, came out again. Tun, how do u reconcile this position, on one hand, everybody is seems to be talking about 1malaysia, on the other hand you have the other group “no we still want our Chinese schools we still want our Indians schools” as oppose you remember correctly many many years ago, you spoke about sekolah wawasan, when you wanted to put all those schools together, you can have it but they can mix during the break and so own and so forth..do you see us moving forward or are we still going back to you know, my language, my culture.

A:  I think talk is cheap, I mean they say Malaysian Malaysia, why do they say Malaysian Malaysia, because they stand to gain in competition of any kind, we always give handicaps, If you play golf you know, if you are not strong player they give you less score or something like that but if you feel that the removal of handicaps like that, would give you an advantage of course we want to say “let’s have no handicaps”  let’s all be Malaysians,  this idea came from the PAP, when PAP campaigned in this country in 1964, they touted Malaysian Malaysia, they say in this country the Chinese are disadvantage, and all that, but they want Malaysian Malaysia by removing the certain handicaps that you give to the less capable race, they would take everything for themselves. 

Q: but is it not possible to help the less capable, the underprivileged without moving along the racial lines?

A:  you can do that, but only one race will benefit from that, 

Q: and at the end of the day you seem to be able to identify the underprivileged to be a race anyway..

A: a yeah..

(commercial break)

Q:  tun in the papers recently there is this brouhaha about datuk murad, the former deputy governor who apparently made that declaration way back in 1999 allegedly regarding some 3 billion fund, in 20 accounts, allegedly again belonging to this on behalf of datuk seri anwar Ibrahim, this was made as in your time tun. Do you do anything about it that time. 

A: I think at that time datuk murad does not want to confirm he doesn’t want to be as open as he is today that time I don’t know but he wasn’t willing to sort of expose himself 

Q: and therefore..

A: to don’t do anything 

Q: and I understand that you recently made a statement that wondering as to why datuk seri anwar Ibrahim who  suing almost everybody but not suing datuk murad did you ask that question?

A; yes yes because anwar’s idea of how to prevent attacks against him is to sue you in court,  he sued me for one hundred million dollars, simply because I repeated the appeals of what the judges has said in the case of, in the findings regarding the sodomy charge, for that, for repeating the words of the judge I was sued by him such was the way the his lawyers conducted the case, that it lasted almost five years.  Now we very respectful of the court, now with the thing with the court we don’t talk, it is called subjudice, so for five years I wasn’t able to say anything, in my own defense and in the end of course they found that there was no case, and he has been suing everybody, he talks a lot of freedom of speech, and that he will be very open and all but the moment somebody says something about him, he sue them in court and he is profitable, it is profitable because he sue me for one hundred million if he wins he might get one hundred million but when he lost he was fined 70 thousand dollars, so it is profitable for people like him to sue in court, to abuse, the system the judiciary system of this country.

Q: tun in a country to be able to develop potentially, politicians must be able to take criticism against them I remember during your 22 years; you were called the worst possible names, books of horrendous nature written about you, have you sued anybody during your time? 

A: never, I did say sometime as politician we must respect this and the only way you can counter this is to explain that what they say about you is not true, some people will believe some people will not believe,  but to shut up people in their criticisms by suing them in court is as same as censoring the press for example is worse than censoring the press.

Q; in fact in the us, sorry in the uk there is house of lords decision, recent one, where whenever politicians sued for defamation the house of lords held the politicians cannot sue for defamation, because as you said they should expect it as part of the job. Now from there, there is a new culture of debate going on, I don’t think that this culture existed before, now you have political leaders debating with each other, what do you think of this new debate culture?

A: well we have the new media, I suppose the people are more conscious about the information, and maybe the debate here can be, do some good, but I suspect the people has already formed, has fixed their minds for many things, no matter what you say, for example if I say something in my own defense those who are against me will continue to say, the other day I was interviewed by a phd student, she said I had more than one wife, that I married somebody from Terengganu, I said it is not true, she said it is not true? She appeared to have believed it, as though, I mean my behaviour I am not going around looking for women,  I go with my wife anywhere I go, and yet people believe I have another wife in Singapore, another wife in Terengganu, I hardly go to Terengganu  

Q: so tun your situation you have a wife but you don’t know where is your wife.

A; people evidently 

Q: jump in their own conclusions..

A: yeah,  for example nik aziz, no matter how you expose that he is wrong from the point of view  of religion,  his followers will still think of him as the great ulama. It is like a there’s arqam, or ayah pin you see once they believe in this people there is no dis-convincing them. 

Q: tun on this debate issue assuming a debate is organise you and datuk seri anwar Ibrahim, would you accept it?

A: I don’t think there is any benefit in that. 

Q:  there is no benefit in that?

A:  I no..

Q: there is no use of that?

A: no there is no use, because his followers will never change

Q: his followers will never change? But will you accept the invitation to debate him?

A: no I would not I can’t be debating with Anwar.

Q:  can I ask you reasons why?

A:  if he has anything to say he can say it, if I have anything to reply I will reply. I wouldn’t go up on a stage and debate.

Q: tun is there anything you want to tell to the rakyat because we are on the internet, a lot of people watch this tv, and you have now the new media, the social media, etc so called liberalisation we spoke out.

A: you know as a muslim, I got this thing to say, that the bad things that has happened to you is due to you, the good thing up from Allah. So if there’s anything bad happens to Malaysia, we are to be blame, because we allowed ourselves to be influence by all kinds of lies, and sometimes you developed a hatred you can’t even say the truth. I worry because now they play up on emotions that the government is bad, therefore you should overthrow it, but let’s compare governments between this governments to other third world governments most of them are autocratic, and they have not succeeded in developing their country, we have in this country we have done a lot for the people people who had never dream of getting an education they get the phds because of the help from the government, people who had never dreamt to do business now get to do business, so a lot of things have be done to the people and if they were to be honest to themselves including those who got their scholarships, they would not compare and say this government is oppressive, as the governments of the Arab countries, experiencing the Arab spring. So if this country goes to the dogs, we only have ourselves to blame. 

Q: having said all these things how do you see the Barisan nasional performances for pru 13.

A: I think the chances are there, bn would still win, but I am not too sure about getting the two thirds majority, but we need strong government in this country, because when the government is weak people take pot-shot you see, they make demands which they know government cannot exceed to, but they make demands, just to embarrass to create an issue, and generally to give an impression of instability, and if the country is instable you cannot grow the country, people will not invest.

Q: thank you for making time on mobtv.

A; you’re welcome.


**sigh**