Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Kullun Nafsin Za Ikatul Maut

A sad day.

I lost a dear friend, ,a classmate...even sadder I only know about this devastating news after 2 weeks of her death.

Al-Fatihah to *Siti Dalilah Ramli (1973-2011). She was an ex-Astro, ex-NTV7 staff and my ex-MSDS UM classmate of 2010/2011.

She was a private person, very lone ranger type - rarely mingles but had one big heart. She was ever helpful. Thing was, prior upon knowing this news (or rather outdated news) I kept thinking about her, the thought of calling her, checking on her was so strong i woke up several times in the past few weeks to the thoughts of her - i was meaning to call her so bad, but i never did. and now how i regretted not doing that.

It is said she died of cancer, but of what kind - we were never told. I tried calling her cell, but it is already disconnected. None of us (the classmates) knew about her death, and apparently only one guy who had smsed her earlier this semester (around july) told me that the last time he chatted with Dalilah via sms, she told him she was sick, she was really really sick and couldn't answer any calls. But El (the guy who chatted with her) never said anything...not until today.

I personally am devastated. Even though i knew her way before we were classmates (when working in the field, she was a reporter too)i was never close with her and rarely talk with her until we were in our second semester, i've got preetty close with her. We studied together, we exchanged notes, we went to library, but most importantly in what seems to be one of her last few months - she has helped me A LOT on my thesis proposal.

For someone whom i never really was close with - i was really moved when she offered to help me with my studies...there i was struggling about my studies, and she came to the rescue, of all people i knew ...and yes, she really helped me. went through the troubles of going to the library during our semester break to see me, to discussed with me, to brainstormed with me about my work! she didn't have to do that, but she did. and she did wholeheartedly. I was overwhelmed, i was really grateful for that and vowed to her if she needed anything for her work - i'll be there to help.

But, I'll never get that privilege. For now she is gone, too soon...from us. She was kind...really kind.

Seriously without her pushing me for that proposal, i would had never finished it, would never had the idea to do what i am doing right now - coming from the same 'field of work' before - we exchanged ideas easily about what we aimed to do that was in relation to our working experiences. She and I even spoke several times about getting back to the field but as freelancer, and she was ever helpful to let me know if there is any opening anywhere and so was i - but that never took place.

In addition, what is even weirder - this is my third time having 'lost' a friend that i've been thinking about so strongly before finding out their death - the first was, Allahyarham Eddy Adika (i wrote about him before) and then there was Allahyarhamah Nor or Kak Nor of TV3 News whom was so dear to me as i was always chatting with her every time i made the visit to the 'injest' room at tv3 news - so much so, she was kind enough to buy me my favorite Muar coffee every time she comes back from her hometown. All of them died of cancer, yet Dalilah's death was the most shocking one - cause she never showed any symptom. She was as healthy as we know her to be since day one - yes, she talks very slowly but that's just because she was one of those soft-spoken kind. There was nothing unusual about her..at least to our naked eyes.

But now that this happened, I could not helped but to reminisced the times she and I were studying together and that was in end of May/early June-i remembered we were crazily thinking about the titles of what my thesis going to be...from the 'normal' one to the 'ambitious' one - and I said to her how much i really appreciate her helping me, truly am thankful and said i would do everything i could to return the favor once she needed that help with thesis, she said "Oh, I don't know Aishah, maybe I won't be able to do it" i mean it struck me as odd, but i never knew what she meant really so i asked her why and she said because she was old. Looking back, who knew maybe she was already falling ill and i was the foolish one to have not seen that coming. That was in May/June and from El's account he smsed Dalilah in July (im guessing) because that was the start of the new semester when Dalilah was supposed to registered for her other 2 subjects. So in between that, it was pretty quick, how her health deteriorated just like that...she must have been having stage four cancer or some really serious cancer because when i saw her she was just fine - and then................

Oh, Dalilah. May you rest in peace, May ALLAH bless your soul, and you be in the everlasting Jannah - happy and free from all diseases - you were a good friend, was really good friend and i am forever indebted to you for helping me out with my proposal, with my studies - forgive me for not being a good friend for i never called you to check on you although every muscles in me ached to do so - but never did, and now it is too late. Al-Fatihah Siti Dalilah Ramli :'(

*correction: I had mistakenly wrote her name as Dalilah Abdul Ghani (according to my hub that is), turned out that was wrong. Am sorry. More about Dalilah in the following links:

Media run Sydney

Help for cancer

PS: thank you to one of the visitor here, she was the one who had pointed out the links.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Random

Besides the fact i am trying my hardest to get back into my 'writing zone' after taking up a few days of break (due to my daughter's falling sick yet again), there are a few happenings in my life that i would like to record here.

1. HTC tablet
What was thought to be a good bargain from Maxis, turned out to be a disaster. Hub bought a new HTC tablet as a 'replacement' for himself since our lil rascal hogging his Samsung Galaxy Tab since forever. So in what was a short lived joy, he brought home the new HTC with a new upgraded wifi package only to find that the cable are a bit torn near the cord, and when we're trying to remove the sim card, the sim card slot jammed. Utterly disappointed (him, not me), he brought the HTC to fixed at Maxis presumably under warranty since it was still the first day since purchase! So, left that thing for about 3 weeks - up about last Monday, hub's hopes to be reunited with his HTC- crashed. Maxis didn't want to pay the repair that costs RM950! said it was completely my hub's fault. After 3 weeks, with 2 visits - the asst manager said it was the customer's fault to not thoroughly checked the purchased item! what bull is that? I didn't witness the quarrel between hub and the asst manager as i was waiting in the car parked illegally of course in the very congested ttdi area in the morning, so i could only imagined hub's fury (and yes it can be scary if his angry) he said, he terminated everything! now if it was me, i for surely would want to make it a complaint, publicly, maybe an open letter to the GM of customer service/HR/Corp Comm everyone in Maxis, you know make it a big fuss with the ridiculousness of the whole ordeal - but it is hub, so he didn't do much although he is in good contact with their head of PR all thanks for his position in the media co. BUT he didn't use that advantage to just channel a little frustrated concern. so typical of him, never like to abuse or misuse anything.

2 lessons learned from this incident though. 1# HTC sucks! the quality surprisingly dismal. Ruined on the first day of purchase! can't be any worse than that. in times like this, i applaud the sturdy design of apple products. i was an apple skeptics before owning an iPhone, but since i bought it - it has suffered countless scratches, being dropped numerous times, heck my daughter even used it for teething! 2# don't get overly excited over something and must never get a product that matches your existing one ( more like lesson for hub) am gonna persuade him more to get an ipad2. or not macbook yes macbook (fingers crossed) haha.Anyways, we are now wifi-less. and it sucks to only rely on very unreliable streamyx at my housing area with no backup in times of need.

2. Flu, fever & coughs
So me lil rascal is still unwell for the second time in less than two weeks. AND that is not good. I am really worried really, really worried. I hope it is nothing serious, cause every time we pay the visit to our local clinic, it would be the same replies - "no worries, kids they get sick easily". yeah but for someone as young as she, and diagnosed broncho-pneumonia last 2 months - falling sick on a regular basis is not something not to be worried. I mean, in one perspective i feel like a sore loser parent - unable to care for her so that she won't fall sick. I am failure. In another, i feel there must be something more that these doctors can do -she seems to have a lot of phlegm building up inside her and yet every time we visit the paed at SJMC - she only prescribe Ventolin and another kind of inhaler. that's it. She's so tiny, and not gaining much weight - she's only 12kg at 30 months of age. She barely gained weight since last 8 months. She's amazingly active though, but her digestion i don't know - sometimes she didn't poop until 3 days. She already got the first jab of pneumococcal, and 2 jabs for hepatitis A and B - and she will get her second dose today (friday). All these vaccinations are not cheap at sjmc mind you, and under the new medical coverage system by hub's co. under ING insurance - these vaccinations are not covered! meaning we have to bare the costs, now doesn't matter that under ING hub's med benefit's "upgraded" until 40K (the old one under GL was only 5K for spouse and kids)think the union at the co. gotta do something about this insurance coverage. Anyways, hoping the best for my lil rascal, poor her...little but can't enjoy much without worrying she might fall sick...again and again. InsyaAllah, my Nur Raihanna Iman will be fine...i got so much going on this year...dugaan betul :(

3. scholarship
Worst case scenario might well be the only scenario for me...is granted extension without allowances/fees coverage. My compatriot of tpm thingy who is studying in uitm, said his application is still pending. although kpt's approved the other part is still waiting to be processed. this friend of mine always update me on anything about everything tpm thingy since day one - so i wont miss anything cos the idea is he's studying in the uni, thus he'd get much more info (more accurate). Anyways, i better have that safety net out by feb - cos by the looks of it - i might just be unlucky. u see this friend of mine have sent his forms last 3 months and still pending, i had only sent mine last week! so what are the odds? Haha. anyways, as i have been writing, i just hope my 'worse case scenario' would be getting half of the allowances extend- that is the kpt's side. at least i don't have to worry about fees...as for the other half; i will get by ...insyaAllah. there will always be something somewhere to find money. I mean i just helped out my lil sis's bf freelancing job last week - enough said he paid me more than i ever earned when i was working for a 12 hours job. (yes, my last pay was roughly less than rm100 per day, yep that cheap - so think again if you want to be in the media industry) :)

new year's reso? want to be a better muslim. last week, while filling up my gas at shell, i chitchatted with the attending person- a bangladeshi man as usual or 'mat bangla'. impressed with his fluency of BM, i asked him casually how long he have stayed in the country. anyways, the dialogue between him and i went something like this:-

I: so your BM is good, u must have stayed here for quite a bit.
MB: ah, yes, 5 running years ive stayed...(he actually said that..5 running years and continue explaining what he meant by that...)
I: oh ok ok (dont hurt yourself) i get what you mean. (smiled)
MB: before, i stayed at JB...everything ok people ok, but my amoi boss not - she didnt let me pray. (teary eyes)
I: that's why u came here?
MB: yes, but here ...i thought ok, well...slightly...my boss (Chinese) always nag me on why i have to pray so many times a day. I had to explained to her many times. and..there's no prayer room except that (pointing) store room..so no place to pray very hard.
I: just pray in the store room, couldn't u ask your boss for that?
MB: i did, she said no, and she said if i want that room so bad, it will be deducted from my pay...i said, ok do what you want to do - cut my pay, as long as i can pray 5 times a day that's all matters...i am a muslim, i must pray..i must no matter how hard life is, no matter how small or cheap my pay is - i must pray 5 times a day...i must.
I: (humbled)

--------------yes, that was how hard this Bangla guy had to face his daily struggles just to pray 5 times a day at work , bullied, questioned, but his Iman, his faith remains strong as ever. I kept thinking about this conversation i had with him and how i myself have numerous times let this duty of mine 'slipped'...i kept saying praise to Him, but i forget to thank Him most of the times, I take things easily this duty to pray 5 times a day - yes unashamedly , i skipped Subuh so often, that i think it's always ok to qadha' (repay) later ...but when i want to qadha', i feel ashamed because i've let myself go to the devil ...Allah has blessed me with this life, i am still living, He blessed me with the chance to pursue my dreams - getting this scholarship was a dream, i had constantly asking from Him to grant me 'the break' from my previous job- He listened. the Almighty Allah but what have i give in return? having chatted with this Bangla guy really opened up my eyes - i saw the sincerity in his eyes i felt it in every words he uttered. I want to emulate his sincerity, his spirits, his perseverance, his Iman...despite the many hardships - he never complaint about the pay, the skipped meals he had to live by but only the chance and place for him to face Allah. he only voiced throughout his convo with me - he's been denied/questioned to pray and that what saddens him...

i want to have that in my heart. that hidayah, that light, that taqwa. that is my hope for next year and maintain for years to come. oh and of course i want to finish my writing pronto, can't wait to get back to uni, and give back to the place that has shaped me, educated me all that early years of my adulthood. uitm sangat cantik sekarang. uitm dihatiku..(eh sama slogan ngan tempat kerja lama..takdir sangat haha)

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

A dan ukuran kepandaian...?

So i finally submitted my application for an extension...now am leaving everthing to Allah. As expected, my dean was not happy with my cgpa, heck i am not happy with my cgpa, it could be considered "bad" for a tpm scholar like me...but what can i do abt it? I am as frustrsted as i can ever be upon learning the very burdensome theses won't be graded except for a mere pass or fail, so in other words i have no more chance of improving my cgpa.

So, could cgpa really be the yardstick for one's intellegence/diligence? I dont think so, well not really, at least not for postgrad studies and especially not in um very discreet peculiar grading that is solely on the lect's prerogative.

I think it is fair to say that all of my batch mates that took all subjects last 2 sem- were screwed! At least for 2 papers- of which all of us had awesome carry marks- heck, i got a 44/50 for my IR class, a 38/50 for Warfare...i could have easily scored at least A- for both! All of us could easily scored A- ...but none did! None! even for those who had soaring carry marks of 48-ish, didnt get A-. Peculiar. So, only one reason could explained that- both of the lect for each papers that we were all so aiming to get As, resigned just before final exams!! they have done all they can for us, marked our papers, hints for finals, finish all syllabus- they left us with hope to score well. But tangled in offc politics one of them did, made all of us "pay" for a second review i reckon...especially requested/probe by one person (of whom i think was not on a same page with the other one) this said person took over the class, and "took" away all of our carry marks too i reckon by requesting a second review (something tht any lect can call for, on any students/class to re-assess the marks given, and whatever marks the second review tabulated- tht is finalised! Even if it's lower than the first time score. I'd say pretty draconian don't you think?

So, with tht- we were all screwed! I am screwed. Gone were the hopes of securing at least 2 As although i busted my ass for it, and gotten a very good carry marks. It was difficult to fathom the calculations, i mean even our mr ambassador thts been on top of the class didnt get A for IR class- of which all of us had great carry marks, and was hinted final exams' Qs.

So there, i personally think, to get good cgpa one doesnt have to be good only at the studies, because even if you're good- there are other factors such as how fond is the lect to you or the perception of the lect to you could also be subjecting your As. and in um, if one lect thinks u dont deserve the A, they can ask a second review with no reason but dissatisfaction/disbelief and basically can ruin your life without u even know it until it's too late.

I may not be super excellent, but i never failed, i send my work on time, i did my assignments, i didnt skip class, i was never late-however i was never the booty licker, party warmer, i dont talk much (cos there was one mad woman in class that was super egoistic and control freak, so we mostly let this mad woman speaks) , heck i never offered to send the lect home, i dont go knocking on their doors after class bugging/showing my interest for extra notes...because thats not who i am.

anyways point being As or not, purely subject to tht lect- some can be stingy some can be very lenient. Though we had two lenient lects, we were screwed becos they resigned (asked to) earlier than final exams, and got screwed with the second review system. So this sem, from what i heard, most are doing well cos they have 1 lenient kind prof. one friend who extended the studies for 3 sems more- even had 2 As bcos she was lucky to have had some lenient lect.

Was i stupid /lazy student cos i didnt get A+? no, i dont think so. I can better write than one friend that got A+ yet i dont have A+ becos i was one of the unlucky batch that got screwed with the second review system!! My cgpa could have been at least 3.6 now. Could have but didnt, and there goes my hope to further my studies overseas. Damn the system!

Monday, December 12, 2011

decisions decisions

Salaam.

this one is short and not so sweet unfortunately, despite my high sugar intake that is i still cannot make this entry a 'lickerishly' sweet one. LOL.

Still pressing on the race of finishing the unfinished.

I reckon am so under stress and pressure that i got ridiculous acne breakouts almost every part on my face now - even the delicate part of my eyelids! I don't have to be a rocket scientist to know this as you know it's not that month of the months when acne breakouts are anticipated.

Yes, stress it must be.

Way off schedule. In fact make that way derailed off schedule. So derailed, that I can't even make a good sentence and look up in my dual dictionary even such primary school words like 'underestimate'. Bah!

Exhaustion... cannot even begin with that part.

OH last Sunday, my neighbour held her son's wedding- i was really anxious of making an appearance, simply because i am just so fatso now, and the eye bags and acnes oh so unappealing to anyone's sight to behold mine included. Yet, hub pushed me to go, and i know i just must go for the food of course because i was so immersed in work (and sleep deprived) that i just don't have the interest to cook (unless really really need for the sake of my daughter) so we usually have take-outs, and last sunday, 'lunch' was served practically in front of the house. Under the tents of course. LOL.

I was so anxious and worried, i tried couple of my baju kurungs as if getting ready for a date,. Even then, i was never that anxious. But this time, to my horrid discovery, i can no longer fit into one of my fav baju kurung!

Gosh, i must have gained so much saturated fats. Reckon the sleep deprived part is also one of the contributing factor to weight gain.

LAstly, i resorted to wearing casual black skirt matched with the only decent-kenduri approved attire and still fit into- black tops..with decent amount of diamante to dazzle people on a hot sunny Sunday. LOL! No surprise, to the very laid-back community that still surprisingly practice gotong-royong for this kenduri kawin, they were giving me a smirk or reluctant smile or wondering smile maybe because of my seemingly out of place and colored attire. Black for a wedding! HAHA, i was mourning alright, mourning for my own "death" on thesis writing. Death of that derailed thoughts...that is taking longer than expected to be fixed.

Anyways, decisions decisions. Content analysis? Suicidal! Indepth interview? Double suicidal! Mere qualitative secondary data reviewing? Do-able but too easy for me (gosh, nak berangan lagi tu ...da takde masa pun still nak reach for the stars)

yes i'd still reach for the stars. and hope i get extension to buy me some time to reach for that one star of finishing this incredibly burdensome writing. Mama help me.

Progress: 15,000 words. Half to go. HALF!

Friday, December 9, 2011

Kenangan....

Kenangan.

Hidup memang banyak kenangan. Suka duka. Pahit manis. Ada yang kita perlu lupakan, ada yang ingin kita ingati dan ada...yang sudah kita terlupa tiba-tiba menerjah kembali.

Contoh hari ini, ketika ini, tiba-tiba aku teringatkan cikgu sementara sekolah rendah aku di Kampung Tunku, ketika Darjah 4. Cikgu Nur Izzah Mokhtar kalau tak silap, beliau menjadi guru sambilan untuk tiga bulan rasanya ketika itu. Kami rapat dengannya. Aku rapat dengannya. Selepas dia berhenti mengajar, kami (bersama dua tiga rakan sekelas) pernah ke rumah beliau berhampiran dengan sekolah kampung tunku, betul-betul dekat simpang stesen minyak Esso.

Kami berjalan kaki ke rumahnya yang mengambil masa kira-kira 10 minit. Sampai ke rumah beliau, kami dihidangkan air oren ais. Sejuk. Rumah banglo cikgu aku masih boleh ingat, kosong ketika itu tiada orang- kedua ibubapa beliau keluar (bapa cikgu seorang Hakim). Cikgu perkenalkan kami dengan adik kembar perempuannya. Kami terkejut, seronok pun ada. Muka sama. Putih mulus, dengan cara pakai tudung yang sama (bayangkan stail tudung tahun awal 1990an- tanpa bonggol unta yang tinggi ye!)

Beberapa tahun selepas itu, kami masih juga sesekali bertandang ke rumah cikgu, Hari Raya dsb.

Kemudian, semakin lama semakin jarang berhubung. Sehinggalah cikgu menyambung pelajarannya dalam jurusan perundangan di University East of Anglia, London. Beliau pernah mengirim kepada aku sekeping poskad berlatarkan universiti beliau serta sekeping gambarnya. Itulah yang pertama dan terakhir.

Sehinggalah, aku menjejak kasih kembali sekitar 2003. Itupun melalui telefon. Beliau masih ingat pada aku ketika itu. Dan beliau sudah bergelar peguam. Rasanya aku menghubungi cikgu untuk mendapat nasihat undang-undang.

------------kini zaman teknologi serba canggih, dengan FB, Google etc. Aku cuba jejaki di alam maya. Tapi, hampa. Manalah tau, untung nasib cikgu terserempak dengan entri ini, saya ingin membuat pengakuan- saya teringatkan cikgu! :) apalah agaknya khabar beliau sekarang? tentu sudah berkeluarga.

Dan, sedang aku mengimbau kenangan bersama cikgu Izzah, aku teringatkan seorang lagi cikgu Kampung Tunku aku, juga cikgu sambilan, atau lebih tepat Ustazah sambilan. Tapi, aku lupa nama uniknya kecuali nama pangkal RATNA. Sekali lagi aku gunakan enjian carian, tapi tiada apa-apa. Kemudian, tiba-tiba, nama itu datang, kenangan itu menerjah...aku ingat kembali! Cikgu RatnaDumilah Sari, asal singapura. Ketika hari terakhir beliau, cikgu hadiahkan sekeping penanda buku buatan sendiri dengan kata-kata hikmat "Strive harder for a better future". (wow, tidak semena-mena teringat tentang itu juga).

Aku juga masih ingat, betapa aku merujuk kepada kamus untuk perkataan "strive" dan jadikan ayat itu motivasi kehidupan pembelajaran aku.

Dua nota penting kepada entri ini:
1) Betapa orang yang baik walaupun sekadar "menyentuh" hidup kita walaupun seketika, tetap tersemat dalam kenangan, apatah lagi seorang insan bergelar cikgu.
2) Benar, kata orang - tentang kuasa minda. The power of our brain = minds. How, suddenly, without any warning we could be reminded of something that has passed our lives many years back. Memory do remains.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Temporal happiness or absolute happiness?

So what choice would it be for you: temporal happiness or absolute? No doubt many would answer- absolute! Who'd wants anything temporary? No one likes temporary position- be it anything. For temporal being losses out the sense of security. Something we humans can't live without.

Don't believe me? In finding job, we surely don't fancy anything temporary status- the possibility of you being terminated is high. Now, securing a permanent position, secures you a place, the certainty that you belong to the place.

In seeking love, absolutely wanting that special person returning the lasting, absolute love for you, hence marriage often seal the deal, security that that one person won't leave you and easily find him/herself out of love.

When speaking truth, people trust more with absolute truth than half-truths (eh, wait...that equates to lie is it not?)

OK. It's 7:18 am. I haven't slept since morning and i been working for hours in front of my pc, often hitting the backspace button when trying to write something regarding my school work. I need vocab boost, i need absolute intellegence? OK am rambling too much.

Wrote a piece about can we live our life without Facebook. Actually, wrote that out of my sister's request for her...um, can't say. Spent quite some time and took me some real effort- i think i wrote not too shabby piece. Nothing academic, just ordinary, columnist like writing.

Hence, the rambling - am stress but not too stress for blogging this. Found out Rara Zikri, a 23 year old beauty lim kok wing student that made headlines a little while ago because she got diagnosed with respitory problem that's depriving her brain with oxygen supply. She initially just feel ill, had an asthma attack one unfortunate day while briskly walking in a park- turned blued, admitted to hospital then fell into a coma for 2 months and when she woke up- only to be in a veggied state, paralysed...can't speak, limbs stiffs. And now she is gone. It is a sad story, and a good lessons for us that life can be too short, and taken away in a moment. Imagine you were just laughing away with friends, enjoying your day and suddenly...collapsed & fell ill and disabled. This Rara Zikri is such a beautiful, sweet looking girl. Really beautiful and just in a split moment that beauty was taken away by Allah. She had to endured pains that only we can imagined before she was taken away forever from this world. And to know that she's the cousin of my ex-classmate, makes it even sadder, i cannot ever imagine the grief her family is going through. May Allah bless her soul and found her absolute happiness that is jannah.ameen.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

O Divine Intervention, I seek Thee.

Salaam.

OK taking a break from writing the never ending thesis.

I know I really ought to see my Madam Supervisor. BUT, my work-in-progress still bunch of mess, like an unsolved jigsaw puzzles; messy, perplexing, head-spinning.

How could I ever come in and let her see that kind of work. Need to have more before I dare show my face.

Latest news: all other peeps on UiTM TPM scheme, who is studying in UiTM got another 6 months of extension. Great....for them. To top it off, they don't need to do any thesis anymore now that the system has been changed. Double awesomeness.......for them.

I desperately need a divine intervention. If not, 'humanitarian intervention' will suffice.

Today's the first day we send Hana to my mom's without me being there. I intentionally stayed home and trying my best to concentrate with work without Hana- to focus more.

Surprisingly, the quietness of the house without my little rascal is..........weird. I don't need to scream every now and then to her - i actually missed her 'bugging' and 'cuddling' with me.

However, I know this me-time is crucial for me. And I am thankful hub is very understanding on this. (although many times I felt differently as i thought he wasn't supportive enough...but I am wrong. Thanks sayang)

Man, whoever thought writing a dissertation that carries a massive 40 credit hours, with less than 200 pages in translation could be so DIFFICULT.

Writing academically is....DIFFICULT. Blogging is nothing. Hence the constant updates, to pour out once awhile. Taking a breather.

AND doing it all with a little rascal, NOT EASY. And I'd slapped the face of whoever that dares to say the opposite. Come on, if you ain't living it, going through it- don't have the audacity to tell me that it is a ride to do MA with a kid. Except for a few mothers with MA or PhD that had done it all by themselves (excluding those who stayed at their moms etc. i mean they got first class help with that! or the ones who have their spouse/maid to help with the kid..that is also not counted as doing it by themselves, embracing the challenges of being a student mommy)...

I have yet to know anyone personally. Except maybe for a few friends that is studying abroad. Sure they are away from their families, but they still have their spouse who took care 100% of the household chores - so she/he can focus solely on the studies. Still that doesn't count! So apart from me, I am a solo fighter. And I've still got lots to prove, not to anyone but me.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Melayu oh Melayu , Bangkitlah Bangsaku.

In the spirit of UMNO 2011 General Assemblies (PAU2011), I can't help but to be drawn in by all the issues raised throughout the assembly thus far. BUT I find it quite baffling as this one last 100% Malay party's delegates and top guns keep lashing out at the opposition and focusing too much on how-to-win-the-next-general-elections, but lacking in real ideas to uplift, uproar the Malays spirits that's fast weakening, finding ways to UNITE us back in the spirit of oneness.

I have respect for DS Shahrizat. I think she is such a good person with great personality. And during my very short 4 years being a journo, most of times I covered stories on her - so I had the privilege of knowing her enough to know her personality that is a humble, motherly, approachable - befitting of a politician.

BUT her speech in the PAU2011, I find it to be quite.....an emotional wrecked. Infused with such hatred to slam back at the oppositions. No doubt she's hurt with all the recent NFC scandal and cow condo fiasco - but I just thought she should have not made that stage as a bashing center. And what is up with all the screaming? Where is the modest, decent lots of wanita UMNO have gone to?

NO, don't get me wrong. I am all UMNO. I've had long tradition with it, as long as I can remember (wrote about this once). BUT somehow this past of late, UMNO seems to be losing its focus. Losing its grip. Losing its........aura? I don't know, not that I am implying the opposition is all stronger. They are not. Well at least for DAP. Why? Cause the Chinese are all united.

Yes UNITED. that is the key. How can we attain that? The next GE is no doubt in TS Muhyiddin's words: Mother of all General Elections. The determinants of Malay survival. Yes Malay. Oh, no I can't be saying such things can I, I'd be called a racist.

BUT who are the real kiasu lots. As I've written before about my version of racist encounters with the Chinese, of how it is difficult for me to find a no-brainier job like a salesperson (for filling my semester break only mind you, heck I have SPM too) at Sunway Pyramid because of the 'oh-so-not-racist-ads' these operators put up that goes "Chinese Only - Inquiry within" or "Chinese Female Only", and some i reckon means the same thing but written in Chinese. Heck, I am still in Malaysia am I not? And what is up with preferring Chinese only worker at a shopping mall that is not selling things all-Chinese? In a shop of international brands like Esprit, Guess, or even clothing line like Padini (just to name a few). BUT hey, they are not RACIST OK.

Then, there's the usual frustrating, deeply annoying encounters with these kiasu lots. When scouting for a parking space at shopping malls. As you know, most of the malls are swamped by these race especially One Utama. Man, try going there on weekends and you'll see what I mean. Sometimes I wonder if I am in Taiwan or HongKong. It is just seas of Chinese!

And no, they are not RACIST when say, you're trying a find a spot for parking, then you see a couple of Chinese walking about - you'd assumed they are on their way out - hence, you drive up to them slowly and kindly ask "Excuse me, where's your car?" or even referring them to boss "Boss, mana kereta?" BUT in 10 encounters I've had with these people, 9 encounters would just IGNORED me and even worse IGNORED with a DISGUSTED, ought to be SLAPPED face and there was one encounter the bunch replied although in a banal answer "Sulah ada orang lah!" - and to this, husband and I were puzzled (at first) since we were sure we were the only one tagging them - then we made a u-turn and surprised to see there was indeed another car waiting for the space, but wait....the occupants of that car was all Chinese! and this bunch were happily and all friendly chatting while the husband load up up the truck - sure they converse in Chinese. Ah, but wait, THEY ARE NOT RACIST for saving up parking space for another Chinese.

This incident may mean nothing, but surely one can only imagine if these kiasu lot are controlling EVERRRRYTHING. They can't be nice even once a Malay asks for simple question like 'where is your car, we'd like to park there after you exit' - they ignore us, shrugs off in annoyance - do you honestly think there will be place for Malays once they are in power???? And this disgrace was done to us with us not driving too shabby cars, mind you. Wonder how they'll react if we drive in kopak-kapik, destitute state condition car- they probably spit at us!

Nay, people. BUT wait, I'd be called racist, chauvinist, ultra-Malays for this. I am sad, because we, Malays never done that to them. At least I know whenever I am their situation (note: in mall trying to park the car) I'd happily answer them if they ask me the same question, regardless of race! BUT, these Chinese not giving back the same gestures. Yet, we're still the ones called racist!

Enough said - for you Malays who thinks it's better to be in the opposition camp - be it PKR,PAS, or DAP - please think again. Oh man, PAS that's a whole other issue. No doubt under their rule is all about enlightenment for religious matters - like in my constituency - sungai buloh - wow, very...PAS-like - modest, laid-back...too laid-back KFC's our only signs of civilizations and the only supermarket (own by a Chinese - DAP for sure) doesn't serve fresh, good quality produce.

Ending this, I reproduce something a fellow blogger site (ah darn it, I've exited his page..can't remember who it was)

KENAPA HANYA BANGSA MELAYU SAHAJA YANG PERLU MENGINGATI SEJARAH NEGARA?

Melayu dikhianati?

Hati Awang semakin hari semakin ditoreh-toreh oleh tuntutan pelbagai pihak bukan Melayu yang bersikap terlalu rasis selepas Pilihan Raya Umum ke-12. Kita boleh tafsir apa sebabnya. Awang tidak mahu mengulas panjang kali ini, cukup sekadar disiarkan semula petikan kenyataan seorang pemimpin MCA, Tun Tan Siew Sin pada 30 April 1969 (dipetik daripada buku Khalid Awang Osman dan pernah diulas Ridhuan Tee Abdullah) untuk renungan kita semua.

''Orang Melayu menerusi UMNO bermurah hati melonggarkan syarat-syarat dalam undang-undang negara ini sehinggakan dalam masa 12 bulan selepas kemerdekaan, 90 peratus penduduk bukan Melayu menjadi warganegara. Ini berbeza dengan keadaan sebelum merdeka di mana 90 peratus daripada mereka masih tidak diiktiraf sebagai rakyat Tanah Melayu walaupun hampir 100 tahun hidup di bawah pemerintahan penjajah. Sebagai membalas kemurahan hati orang Melayu, MCA dan MIC bersetuju meneruskan dasar memelihara dan menghormati kedudukan istimewa orang Melayu dan dalam masa yang sama mempertahankan kepentingan-kepentingan sah kaum lain''.

Sebelum itu, seorang pemimpin MIC Tun V.T Sambanthan pada 1 Jun 1965 pernah berkata:

''Pada tahun 1955 kita telah memenangi pilihan raya dengan majoriti yang tinggi, selanjutnya mendapat kemerdekaan dalam masa dua tahun kemudian. Dalam jangka masa itu, kita terpaksa berbincang dan menangani pelbagai perkara termasuk soal kewarganegaraan. Persoalannya di sini, apakah yang dilakukan oleh orang Melayu memandangkan kita bercakap menyentuh perkauman?

Apakah yang dilakukan oleh pemimpin-pemimpin Melayu? Mereka mempunyai 88 peratus daripada pengundi menyokong mereka. Apakah yang mereka putuskan mengenai isu kewarganegaraan? ''Jika kita lihat di serata negara Asia dan Asia Timur, kita akan mendapati kaum India tidak akan diterima di Ceylon dan juga tidak diterima di Burma. Sama halnya dengan kaum Cina, mereka tidak diterima di Thailand, Vietnam, Kemboja dan di negara-negara lain. Apakah bantuan berhubung kewarganegaraan yang mereka peroleh di semua wilayah tersebut? "Di Burma, seperti yang kita semua sedia maklum, kaum India telah diusir keluar, di Ceylon mereka tidak diberikan taraf warganegara seperti juga di Burma. Saya tahu dan anda juga tahu. Apa yang sedang berlaku di Malaya? Di sini kita mendapati pemimpin Melayu berkata, ''Kita akan menerima mereka sebagai saudara, kita akan berikan mereka sepenuh peluang untuk meneruskan kehidupan di negara ini, kita akan beri mereka peluang untuk menjadi warganegara''.
Seterusnya pada tahun 1957, dengan tidak mengambil kira kebolehan berbahasa (Melayu) ribuan orang India, Cina dan Ceylon menjadi warganegara. Seperti yang saya nyatakan, saya amat bernasib baik kerana dilahirkan di negara ini. Di manakah anda boleh berjumpa bangsa yang lebih prihatin, bersopan-santun dan tertib selain daripada bangsa Melayu. Di manakah anda boleh mendapat layanan politik yang baik untuk kaum pendatang? Di manakah dalam sejarah dunia? Saya bertanya kepada anda. Ini adalah fakta. Siapakah anda untuk menjaga keselamatan kami? Saya adalah kalangan 10 peratus kaum minoriti di sini. Tetapi saya amat gembira di sini.''
Persoalannya, kini apakah pengorbanan Melayu dikhianati oleh kaum lain?

-Awang Selamat-

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Happy New Year, Muslim folks!

Masa aku zaman sekolah rendah, aku aktif masuk nasyid...oh i was never the back-up singers mind you, i was one of the leading voice LOL...brushing up the vocal cords, but i never get to anymore than that of course.

So salah satu lagu wajib aku dan in fact, lagu pertama aku kena hafal and nyanyi, adalah lagu 1Muharam.

it goes something like this....

*berdehem* [untuk clear kan kerongkong]

satu muharam detik perjuangan,
permulaan tahun Islam hijrah,
perpindahan nabi dan umat islam..
dari kota mekah ke kota madinah. (madinah..back-up sahut)

Atas keyakinan dan iman yang teguh,
kaum muhajirin dan ansar bersatu,
rela berkorban harta dan nyawa,
demi menegakkan islam tercinta.

chorus:
Islam itu perjuangan (perjuangan)
Islam itu pengorbanan (pengorbanan)
Islam itu persaudaraan (persaudaraan)
Islam membentuk perpaduan (perpaduan)

Oleh itu mari semua kita sambut Maal Hijrah
tingkatkan semangat, tegakkan syiar Islam,
untuk sepanjang zaman...
Untuk sepanjangggg ...(tarik nafas ready utk kasik ending yang bang) zamannnnnnnnnnn.
Hijrah! (back up ramai2 pekik!)

[nota: lirik2 diatas ditulis berdasarkan memori aku saja, tak pasti sama ada ianya mengikut nukilan asal penulis lirik mahupun tak tau siapa penulis asal lirik haha]

SO..............setiap kali maal hijrah, aku dan kawan2 akan praktis lagu WAJIB ni, dan berlatih kat belakang sekolah atas bukit mengadap padang dan kawan seorang akan turun dengar kami dari bawah. Tujuannya, kalau budak yang standby kat bawah tu tak dengar, maksudnya kena nyanyi lebih kuat (tanpa mic ok) so..aku memang sore power la...hahaha (kembang sat) tang jerit mak memang boleh kalahkan kak ziana...dulu lah.

apapun intipati entry ni, Salaam Maal Hijrah to all Muslim around the world. It is our new year of the Islamic calender, hopefully this new year brings new wondrous things for us and may Allah bless us all and become a more pious, devout, practicing Muslim, insyaAllah.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Ikut resmi padi

Status: Masih lagi bergelumang dengan segala jurnal yang berbaki baik dalam bentuk 'soft copies' mahupun yang sudah dicetak.

Dan semakin aku leka menelaah jurnal-jurnal tersebut, semakin aku rasa ada lagi ruang yang boleh/harus aku cari maklumat supaya 'ilmu' aku cukup untuk menulis/mengolah ayat-ayat aku dalam disertasi aku.

Tapi ianya adalah satu fakta - 'ilmu' tidak akan cukup kerana ilmu itu terlalu luas, dan apa yang kita tahu/merungkai dalam sisa kehidupan ini sememangnya hanya 'setitik' daripada 'lautan ilmu' milik Allah.

Tak terenang kita dalam lautan itu. Tak terkejar aku 'memuat-turun' ilmu-ilmu bahkan bukan semua, yang aku rasakan perlu juga tak mampu aku usaikan.

Begitu kerdil pengetahuan kita bergelar manusia.

Nah, tak hairan, kenapa kerap kita mendengar ungkapan "belajarlah hingga ke negara China" - belajar dan belajar dan belajar....kerana ilmu itu tidak akan habis, tidak akan terhenti biarpun sudah ke peringkat PhD. sekalipun.

Begitu besarnya ilmu itu, begitu sekali relatifnya kepentingan ilmu. Maka, nescaya rugi bagi mereka yang hanya 'berilmu' setakat Diploma? Degree?

Tidak. ilmu tidak akan putus.

Tidaklah pula aku katakan yang 'berilmu' setakat peringkat tertentu itu jahil, buta hati kepada ilmu.

Kepada mereka mungkin ada sebab munasabab tersendiri untuk tidak terus menimba ilmu.

Malah, bentuk ilmu itu juga tidak ku katakan termaktub dalam terjemahan perlu ke menara gading semata-mata.

Tidak juga hanya terjurus untuk ilmu ukhrawi semata-mata.

Maka, kedua-duanya harus seiring; turut diseimbangi, dikejari, dikuatkan, didalami, ditunjangi, diaplikasikan. Semua manusia tahu, semuanya sedar.

Namun, tak ramai yang lakukan kerana antara sedar dan buat adalah dua perkara yang amat berbeza yang mana buat lebih menuntut kekuatan rohaniah dan displin diri.

Belajar itu menuntut displin diri..yang tinggi.

Aku? masih rendah...amat rapuh displin itu...serapuh semangat aku sekarang.

Apa-apapun yang ingin aku catitkan kali ini betapa aku kagum terhadap seorang hamba Allah yang mana pada pandangan-Nya hanya khalifah Allah seperti kita semua; namun barangkali status sosial beliau di alam ini - ada perbezaannya, lebih tinggi mungkin setidak-tidaknya lebih daripada kalangan orang-orang biasa.

Kepada beliau ini, seorang personaliti yang dikagumi. Sudah dikenali ramai. Mempunyai pangkat dan gelaran. Melalui banyak pengalaman hidup. Pernah memegang jawatan-jawatan penting.

Ya, beliau yang saya maksudkan adalah seorang yang penting dan signifikan dalam ruang sosio-politik kita.

NAMUN beliau mengikut resmi padi, "semakin berisi, semakin tunduk menyembah bumi".

Untuk Datuk R, saya amat hargai bantuan Datuk; pendapat dan input Datuk berikan kepada saya untuk penulisan disertasi meskipun saya sekadar seorang pelajar tanpa kepentingan dan tidak pernah mengenali beliau secara peribadi atau formal; amat saya hargai.

Saya kagum dan sungguh terharu mendapat maklum balas sedemikian daripada seseorang yang mempunyai status sosial yang tinggi juga setinggi ilmu di dadanya.

Semoga Allah berikan kembali kepada Datuk itu lebih lagi ilmu didunia kerana sifatnya yang tidak lokek membantu insan lain.

Friday, November 18, 2011

My little terrorist

Here it is, me first formal introductory of my little spawn to the world of blogosphere. She's my little angel.

At times, she's also my little 'terrorist', that little rascal of mine.


But, she remains all the time...my everything.


You probably think, 'Ah, so what'. And yes, I've never been this soppy. BUT I am convert to all melancholies self that of a mother to child; full of love, hope and desire to give her the best I could when I become a mom last 20th June 2009.

Yes, I am soppy because I am a mom. This little terrorist of mine is my first. And just like all first time mothers, you know how it's like to be one - the roller-coaster feelings during that whole 9 months, the labor pains (yes it's beyond scary) and the magical moments following that birth.

Yes, I am soppy because for the first time during whole year of study solitude, I have met the meaning of my life.

It is now not just about me anymore, not about what I used to dream to be, it is not about journo-adrenaline rush world that I have come to love. For now, my life - the future of it will always concern this little terrorist (and who knows, many more rascals?). Spawning life, creating more muslim ummah.

The sacrifices that I have made so far, is nothing to what is installed for me in the future.

I left a job for pursuing a dream. I moaned about coming back to that job once. I went back. But one thing kept pushing me out from that selfishness to be what i enjoy to be - this little terrorist of mine.

I whine at the times I have to sacrifice my time for her, to leave my study desk for her, upset to not be able to go to the library because no one could babysit but me.

BUT once I am doing all those things, I feel relieved... Am glad i am there for her. Am ecstatic to see her daily progress of growth. The little sentences she make with her little mouth.

Motherhood is a roller-coaster, it's all intense feelings mixed to one. You could be angry and then civil the next. BUT nothing, above all beats the feelings when my little terrorist would suddenly come to me in the midst of nothing, without any warning, and give her mommy a big fat hug and warm kisses while saying "Sayang Mami".

That it is only words. But it is so strong of a word it jolts me back to reality that I need not be languish and persevere for whatever obstacles that may come in the future. I need to be strong for her. I need to be that super mom for my little terrorist.

Yes I am soppy, but you will be one too if you've become a mother enduring 11 hours of labor pains, with tormenting post-natal experiences and now you see your bundle of joy, the apple of your eyes grow in front of you without missing any huge details in that first 2 years of her life is - super bliss.

No regrets.


Thursday, November 17, 2011

Mission Failed #1

It's Friday. Gulps.

Taking a break from reading the so many articles (and there is many more to cover..). Maybe, my health is deteriorating, or maybe i am just plain exhausted due to the lack/irregular sleep. Cause this past few days, I realize that I have been trembling when trying to write/type ..you know when operating my hands. But then again, even when i am not doing anything with my hands, i could feel the tingling sensations every now and then and i would tremble afterward.

Bizarre. I do hope it is only temporary and nothing serious for I just cannot afford to be sick physically, mentally and financially. Yes, am a pauper student with one final allowance due end of this month. After that, I am on my own.

I can go on and on at least keeping awake for a full 48 hours (i have done that, most of the time for studying purposes) BUT that was when i had a maid. Now, all by myself (except on hub's day off) I can't be selfish and immerse myself into studies. Got to cook, feed, bath, care for my little terrorist, my little rascal, my little angel.

What have I done so far? Prior starting my 'marathon-crash-writing' plan, I've marked today as the day for submitting 3 chapters in drafts.

Unfortunately, can't keep up. Dateline have to be postpone till next Monday. Planning to submit/meet SV after my daughter's doctor appointment, insyaAllah. Hopefully, I finish by then.

Meanwhile, am gonna log off. This old hub's laptop that's operating without battery & without a cooler fan, is getting overheated. Need to eliminate any risks of further postponing/injuring myself and the work.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Anticipating the Year End

Less than a month to go.

Progress been slowly catching up, i have to sacrifice my sleep for it. Made a "crash writing" schedule. Time is of essence. Time is running out. Time is ....screw it. I do hope for more than 24 hours in a day. I need more time.

My 'coughing' still bothering me. Went for a second visit at the clinic last Monday, even the doctor was baffled as to why my coughs will not go away. He gave me new prescriptions though, including an inhaler for bronchitis/asthma and the bits of 'crystals' that you dilute in a warm water and breathe in the steam.

Good news: my sinus and phlegm seems to be recovering. Less blocked-nose now.
Bad news: 'dry' coughs intensified especially at nights/ while i am lying down, trying to sleep or after i take my showers. And i am coughing so bad, sometimes i almost puke.

The doc said, I'd have to give these new prescriptions a week or so. And if it still persists, he's going to refer me to a specialist.

Life can't be any more dramatic for me now. Talk about challenges. I have never been anymore sleep deprived in my life yet got to be strong and stay committed for school work, play mommy-role and house-wifey. Luckily, I don't need to clean the house - as my hub will take on that part and doing the laundry too. Am not whining, will take it all in, positively Insya-Allah.

For now, just hope that this cough will go away, I can't bear to be this sick too long; too many at stakes now, too many responsibilities to carry. Need a healthy body. All this will end, soon. Oh, and on the brighter note- dad has been discharged last Monday (although it was by his own request). I am not a 100% sure of his health records as of now since prior being released - mom was all worried for his soaring blood pressure readings, also his surgery wound still not fully dried (he's diabetic).

I reckon dad don't want to stay because he wants to do something so urgently that needs him out of the hospital, pronto. Something that he keeps as secret from us all. Just saying it smells 'fishy-fishy- here, it doesn't add up cause he insisted he was enjoying the stay at the hospital. And suddenly, he's out from the ward despite the worrying conditions?

I haven't got the chance to see him yet. I'd usually follow hubs in the morning (if hub's working that is) and I'll visit the parents later after sending off hub to office. BUT if I fail to catch the 'bus' in the morning, I'd usually be left off by hub and that would pretty much discourage me to make a 40++ mins drive accompanied only with my little rascal and her unpredictable mood. So, I'd rather sit it out in this suburban neighborhood of mine where its nearest sign of civilization is KFC. So much of that oily chicken, that it was one of my little rascal's first brands that she can easily associates with! LOL.

OK time's up, back to the world of social political theories and what not - a world when one reads, one might think that one's knowledge of the world been elevated to a new realm yet one will ends up feeling more lost than before to the so-called enlightenment process - cause all the theories, to me- nothing but a scholar's concoction of ideas. Interesting..but debatable.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Sakit Tekak

Masih sakit tekak, ini (11.11.11) sudah masuk hari ke-5, kalau seminggu aku tak sembuh -harus refer specialists ENT.

Sakit tekak ni pernah kena diagnosed dulu - mula2 memang macam sakit tekak normal ; tekak kering, rasa pahit etc and then sakit, suara mula takde, susah nak telan - conclusion tak sedap badan.

Selepas makan ubat klinik rakyat kasik termasuk ubat batuk (walaupun aku tak yakin kemujarabannya) hari kedua, aku demam. badan seram sejuk. suara totally takde. sampai kalau nak cakap kena berbisik. Yang best anak aku pun akan bisik balik kalau cakap dengan mami dia ni...dia ingat mami dia main-main bisik plak..how cute that is kan.

Then, on the third day - demam baik, suara ada balik walaupun bukan tahap kemerduan yang biasa - kiranya tahap suara contestants karaoke jambanlah...bolehlah nyanyi tapi ke laut - lepas tu kalau cakap je sepatah dua - akan batuk.

Yang baik daripada musibah ini : suasana rumah agak tenang sedikit, aku kurang leter ngan anak aku, balik hub pun aku takde bagik satu jam buletin - segala hapdets aku kasik berita terkini jeks gitew. short and sweet. walaupun suara garau.

Pastu hari keempat, kotak suara semakin pulih. Tapi hari ini aku da rasakan yang sakit tekak aku bukan sebenarnya sakit tekak normal - punca sakit tekak aku adalah kerana resdung aku.

Aku pernah lalui sakit macam ini. aku akan batuk dan batuk dan batuk - tapi macam batuk kering , batuk kosong, batuk tak lepas gitu. Cakap skit batuk. Telan air liur akan buat aku nak batuk dan berdehem je mesti aku akan batuk sebab rasa macam lendir je kerongkong.

Dulu, seorang doktor panel aku pernah diagnose sakit aku berpunca sebab resdung. Kata dia, ada mucus dari hidung aku yang tak lepas (as in nak bersin tak keluar, nak telan pun tak lepas - so mucus tu dripping kat tekak membuat tekak gatal dan aku akan batuk-batuk) . Itu teori dia. Jadi menurut dia, aku tak payah susah makan ubat batuk, cause that won't work. Equally dia tak kasik ubat selesema sebab aku bukan flu tapi sinus - so dia kasik benda spray idung tu. (but i hate that thing cos that never really work for me)

Kemudian, kepada 3 doktor panel aku yang aku selalu pergi - sepakat (bukan hari yang sama lah kan, on different visit) yang membuatkan aku batuk ialah kerana aku batuklah tapi batuk aku membuatkan aku asthmatic. Peringkat awal asthma. So dia refer hospital, dan aku pernah lalui ujian asthmatic - yang tarik nafas dalam tabung ada bebuli tu - so aku tak lepas tarik nafas - verdict: aku ada asthma, katanya.

Tapi aku bukan asthma yang biasa menurut mereka. Asthma aku come and go. As such i don't really need to depend on inhaler.

-------------------------itu semua dulu punya diagnose. Apa2pun, sekarang aku tak rasa both batuk biasa or luar biasa. Yang aku tahu aku batuk, and semakin kerap and semakin teruk, dan tiap kali batuk -dada aku sakit. Nafas aku kuat. Rasa hidung memang sumbat. Nak telan mucus tu tak dapat, nak bersin pun payah (aku trauma bersin2 paksa ni sejak tabiat bersin ni 'memakan' telinga kanan aku)

adoiyai...banyaknya penyakit. CUMA yang risau batuk ni, sebab tak pernah kalau aku batuk, hub pun akan batuk-batuk - so dia pun kena jugak (atau terjangkit?)

harap bukan serius macam tibi.

Takut jugak. takut mati. dosa banyak, pahala ciput. Usia muda lagi. Cita-cita tinggi. Impian banyak tak tercapai. Harapan menggunung bak everest.

Orang kata sakit-sakit ni penghapus dosa-dosa kecil. kalau begitu, maka sudah terhapuskah dosa aku?

Namun aku pasti ini semua memang kehendak dariNya - peringatanNYA kepada aku yang selalu alpa.......

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Another cool homegrown making a global brand..slowly but surely



Zee Avi, Sarawkian. A bit like Yuna. But she's more country-ish.

Mak dulu verangan nak jadi macam ni, tapi masa tu takde la utube sume, skg da ada, perot da berscratch-mark, dagu dah berlapis...takkan nak upload vid ss sendiri, kang jadi cikgu shida 2.0 plak...or better still pensyarah tet tet? susah jah. mimpi sajalah ...mungkin nak 'brush-up' skills anak lak, lentur buluh dari rebungnya kan orang kata, hantar dia masuk pertandingan nyanyi semua - untung2 leh jadi cam ND Lala ke...boleh pencen MLM kan? takyah kejer...jd pa anak je..kerlas jugak lol

I was a poet once...LOL!

OK. I am happy to consider myself a 'neither here nor there' type when it comes to my English proficiency. Of course, this degradation is only recent. Um, OK who am I kidding. I guess my English's deteriorated since I started my uni years and just gotten even worse when I embarked my journey as an employee.

BUT circa Sri Amanian years - I was pretty skillful. (Patting myself on the back now)

NO make that, awesome. LOL! (so, suka ati lah kalau mak perasan this is my blog afterall).Yes, I was in the English Club (yeah, shocker huh?), even entered an inter-class debate competition (double shocker?) - i mean, i love the language but i love any languages that is anyways. Unfortunately way back then, there was no other languages club in my school except English and Malay. I joined the school's Choral speaking. (OK that don't really count as my line was only to "burp" and said "oh and my tummy to fill" LOL) [such irony about me tummy since i am known back then to always skip classes because of gastric pains]

My major exams' result (of course the English language, 1119 to be exact) was a testament to my proficiency of this language.

Hence, i got myself placed in IIUM for a Bachelor in English Literature right after high school despite me applications to this one uni wanting to do totally different courses.

IIUM. It was historic. Not only because I was the first in my family to ever got enrolled for a uni different than the most popular uni amongst Malays. But the course was equally historic too. It was English Literature. Reckoned to be more grandeur than the overrated English TESL (teaching English for second language) course. My uncle said I could be an English lecturers/teachers/tutors which he foresees (then ) would be in demand or at least would be very useful for me once i graduate (now).

Also, that year (2000) marked another history in my life - I started to learned to wear hijab. OK. Because I had to as it was requirement of the uni (it was an International Islamic Uni M'sia anyways)

BUT, the smiles i put on my parents' face didn't last . I was a quitter. BUT i quit not because of the English course, but more of the requirement of me to pass the Arabic language subject if i ever want to graduate. This was the reason. Although not 200% but it was a major factor of me wanting to change uni because of my fear for failing Arabic courses.

Heck, I ain't ashamed to say that I read "asam" (as in Jawi reading) when i was supposed to be reading "Ismi" (as in Arabic for - name) when i saw the Arabic alphabets of "Alif", "Sin" and "Mim".

YES, i was that retarded. I can't read shit. When all the "baris" (the lines - the indicators of the Arabic alphabets are taken away, I turned pale and couldn't make the words) I was a dumbo.

BUT oh boy, how in love i was for the "ustaz" (Arabic for the male teacher). He was my only motivation to go to class every morning (yes lame and very teenager-ish). Heck, i even enrolled for extra-classes just to drool when he teaches (LOL, sorry hub).

**************shrieks***********

woooo...so off-topics now. LOL. terbabas mak. mahap, gostan jap.

ANYWAYSSSSSSSS, my point being that i find it is true when they say that we tend to be a wee bit more creative when our hearts are troubled/sad/depressed...creative in the sense that we may poured that wrenching emotions into words like a song/poetry even diary entry ok not something 'creatively' suicidal.

I mean look at all the great artists (musically) that ever lived - Kurt Cobain was at the peak of his success when his life was all shitty, so was Amy Winehouse's rise to fame with her emotional driven lyrics after a devastating break-ups.

AND i find myself no different than those artist. (OK mak perasan sat)

TAPI tang ini memang aku perasan sejak kecik, sebab masa kecik-kecik aku selalu bergaduh dengan kakak (teh) aku - kami macam anjing dengan kucing - and the not so syiok part was, everytime we had a brawl with each other, she always got mom's side although i am younger than her (mak bagi aku masa tu suka side dia..LOL) so, pergilah beta tuan puteri membawa diri, menjeruk perasaan yang sodih dalam bilik sensorang - dan aku akan suka karang-karang lagu lah, tulis diari lah etc. (LOL)

but this self-soothing method of mine, of course didn't make it to any pop charts/publishers etc. (walaupun aku ada berhajat adoiyai sekali lagi mak perasan jah, sorry).

SOOOOOOO apa-apapun, korek2 benda lama aku tgk hokehlahhh, not bad what i wrote before in my life eyh - poem syok sendiri

dan yang ni plak version haiku 5 baris tak berapa nak jadi :))


***slapppppppppppppppppp* ** ok nak cabut sambung baca journal...benda ni memang syioks sendiri.

PS: oh nota kaki, hari ini genap 3 hari ayahanda beta dimasukkan ke HKL of what seems to be a minor hand surgery removing an infected insect bites but since he was diabetic, the healing process seems to be longer than expected (1 day). Now he will only be released if the wounds will be completely dried. Semoga Allah sembuhkan ayahanda ku dan ampun dosa-dosanya. sobssss...

i, as well as all my family members are so not used with him getting sick, let alone being hospitalized like this (this would be his second time) because he is that super-healthy dad image, always there caring for my mom the hospital-is-my-second-home image (yes, mom always been the frequent visitor /residents in hospitals) - it is so different at my parents' home without his jovial acts - menyakat anak aku , anak aku pun macam rasa lain Atuk takde - asyik cari-cari mana Atuk kat rumah :((

Ayah, an sayang ayah just so you know in case you don't. (am all teary eyes now...gotta go)

Monday, November 7, 2011

Biting My Own Words

Ok Dalam bahasa Melayu kiranya, terlajak perahu boleh diundur, terlajak kata?? Agak buruk padahnya.

#Terlajak kata 1 aka regrets #1

Besta MD221 electronic dictionary: see post

OK so i wrote and praising the jolly-goodness of how it is to have a besta electronic dictionary. Now a few days later, I'm retracting whatever i may praised about the product. It ain't living up to my expectations and most importantly needs as a postgrad student. It lacks explanations and vocabulary needing to be a postgrad student's standard. But who was i kidding? From the packaging i knew it was meant for school children (note: a picture of a school kid smiling ear to ear with the gadget, don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure that out, no?)

So, i would like to sell it to those in need. Bought at discounted price of RM199 (NP: RM368), and am selling it now at an open price of RM179? (come on, it still practically a brand new stuff with 1 year warranty, no scratch, batt still at its optimum) :) really would recommend for school kids.

#2 Terlajak kata 2 aka regrets #2

Shoes! Ever since i sprained my ankle whilst eagerly strolling for a Jusco's members sale day as a heavily pregnant woman (was 8 months pregnant) ; gone were the days of me strutting with 2.5-5 inches of stilettos, wedges. Also, that injury caused me an 'upgrade' of shoe brands. No more cheap stuffs (yet adorable) brands that goes on sales like everyday. From that day on, I could only find comfort with brands like Hush Puppies ( in fact i was a puppies' loyalist since)

However, most of the shoes that i bought even puppies one, i could only wear 'em for a few months, some just a few weeks. Most of the time, i can't seem to work my way out with the shoes - often it 'kills' my chubby toes that was in fact getting chubbier than it ever been. As such, the shoes some even 1 week old - often given away (with a heavy heart though lol)

So, i would mostly wear a slippers - flat and extremely comfy although it will make me looks sloppy and very informal for office wears etc. And not to mention, exposed my ugly chubby toes for the world to see. (note: me toes's ugliness largely attributed to those wrong shoes i wore since my ankle mishap in 2008)

AND so the search for the 'best shoes' were on and still is.

UNTIL just few months back - i thought well since 2008 my feet has been put 'off-duty' for stilettos and the likes - so, maybe, maybe it is healed. Hence, for Eid, i bought a 3 inch pumps from Charles & Keith ; a brand quite moderately more expensive than say Vincci etc. Everything starts from RM100. So this pumps i had was priced RM159 - OK for me within my price range of my affordable shoes lists.

BUT that too only had me wearing for less than a week and i surrender , left it in the trunk ever since Eid. WHY? that shoes bit me toes to pieces! LOL.

Determination intact - i still search for that one true shoes that would fit me (ala cinderalla fairy tales pula kan? lol)

YES, and just like in fairy tales - i bought a slightly expensive shoes (according to my price range of what constitutes 'expensive') a Clarks.

Just like a love story - i found a shoes that fit me, comfy and friendly to my toes. Price was RM310. No discounts (Clarks never had any sales - only 'bestbuys' to finish their stocks)

Despite the price and against my histories of 'disappointments' with shoes - i bought it.

-------------------------------------RESULT: am still frustrated, am giving up the 'faith' for my Clarks Mary Jane styled shoes because it made my toes beyond ugliness especially both sides of my fifth, smallest toes! The shoes brutally whacked it beyond its normal state. *Sobs*

NOW it looks like as if it has gangrene - slowly 'dying' on me.

Oh, good shoes, the perfect shoes, the most comfy shoes, how do i find thee? NEED intervention or else i am left with no choice but sloppy slippers.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Of sore throat and motivation 'killed' by lousy net connections

Since quitting job at that forsaken place, i have been very determine to pull the extra hours to have a miracalous catch-up with me writings only to find that all those time i have the drive to write/research at home - spoilt by the extremely lousy internet connection by streamyx.

It has been 2 weeks since me left that job and i have been 'progressing' nothing more than a few more (relevant) articles retrieved, thanks to a certain soul at me now ex-office.

So was very motivated with that (though i know i must finish at least 3 chapters by now if i ever want a chance to extend my scholarship..but you know i don't even hope for the allowances to be extended - at least, hoping to be given the time to finish (grace periods) for a few more months).

BUT, really ..on/off connections, websites can't be found etc whenever i log on the home pc is total turn-offs! Not to mention, makes me raving mad and literally on the verge of vandalising my own pc (that is only less than 2 years old)

I am mad. I hate it. I hate this place. Now eversince i got married and moved in my hubs home; we have tried from digi (it was horrible, had to literally hold that modem with one hand and hoover it arounds for signal while another hand types), then we got Maxis broadband (the most expensive package - still it was equally disappointing), the we tried Celcom (courtesy of my younger sis - same result!) and now streamyx with so-called 1.0MBps speed.......but it equally sucks, and it sucks big time!

i was a loyal streamyx user during my bachelor years at me mom's place in kelana jaya - we used tm almost 10 years - it was the medium package but due to my parents house's location - we enjoyed full speed with medium price.

Not only that, whenever we had problems with the line, the customer service was prompt in helping us out. BUT here, at this neighbourhood, the disconnections are more than the connections and help both via phone and physical customer care - disappointing.

Not that i am paying for the bills but because i rely so much on internet for my writing ( i am writing about blogs for god's sake!) it is imperative i have the web connections up and running especiall at home now that i am not working and have no maid and my child is diagnosed with bronchopneumonia - means no chance for nurseries etc.

with all that, i can only (most of the time) work from home and this lousy services from streamyx is making my life more misreable than it already is.

Not that hubs can't pay for unifi, thing is unifi is still unavailable at my place ..this this 'jin bertendang' place..arrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.

till unifi arrives, only then i'll find salvation and definite civilisation in my neighbourhood (note: the only signs of civilisation so far in this place is KFC!)

OH and today's is AidilAdha. what have i sacrificed? I sacrificed my time and energy in preparing for eid's food for everybody to enjoy (hoepfully they'll enjoy and eat it) as this is my first ever attempt at cooking everything by myself (without my mom's watchful eyes that is) so yeah, am proud. At least i have cooked beef rendang, chicken rendang and peanuts sauce by myself, have you? :)

OH, but not too sure if i can enjoy all of 'em as i am having sore throat, caughs - signs of falling sick but me can't - can't fall sick - lotsa work, i have to be healthy for my kid that is in need of extra care because her immune system is very 'vulnerable' now.

PS: logging in via iphone now there goes my phone bills..must log off now as i will soon be a pauper student cant afford iphone nemore LOL. damn it la.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Between a comedy show and a screwed up glam-all-went-wrong show

By now i am sure all malaysians that watched last night's dull ASK 2011 performances would be talking about its...dullness. LOL.

and tomorrow's headlines (at least for the said corporation's papers) will gloat on its magical prestigious award show and all the winners..OK nonetheless, i'd still want to congratulate all the winners - like ms yuyu aziz for winning best tv news reporting and of course to the rest of the winners.

Yes, this is a show about appreciating (so-called) those working on/off that glass screen.

However, being so-called a prestigious award show, handled by the so-called prestigious renowned station - last night's ASK 2011 was nothing but a flop.

I think this is where the phrase "action speaks louder than words' comes in handy.

Just look at audiences' faces - all of them was trying their best not to fall asleep or make a poker face - some tried appearing more 'diplomatic' by letting out their 'apologetic small laughs" once in awhile at the equally banal jokes-went-wrong by the hosts.

Ah, the hosts. I don't know. Guess that mr A will get a real hard bashing from now on because from what was written in the paper - it was him that pushed the production team to make his duo - a duo that night.

No doubt mr. A is an excellent compere, renowned, very experienced handling live shows , seasoned staff and if it's not too much, i'm guessing that he's too good of compere that this said station only have him as compere.

Yes in other words they have no options but to feature him on the stage. Crude? Maybe. But here's another of my 2cents - despite all his talents, his nothing but a 're-useable' green bag - convenient, practical you know all that great for savings but lacks in variety. He is so been 'used' too many times, doing too many shows - that people can expect what his 'scripts' would be - all his innuendos, his quirky smiles before a joke - i mean it is so predictable, as if the audiences have grow accustomed to him.

BUT in the end of the day, he is only one man. And although try as he might, he could not salvage all the 'wrongdoings' of that show. He was not the savior. He lost.

Now the other thing that's gonna be talk of the town of how sloppy this show went last night, was the fact of the other host.

YES. so-called malaysian's barbie-doll. OK, yes she is pretty for a 40+ woman. BUT she is wrong from the get-go...where do i even begin...

1) i won't comment about chemistry between the duo - but in terms of visual, the barbie doll already ruined the picture when teaming up with mr. A - for barbie's Mr A is not Ken- short for her.

2) she's not a fluid conversationalist. She was so scripted and it showed.

3) from the make -up, her fake eyelashes, overdone hairdo styled, menopause barbie outfit, overly stiff botox face.....it was just a wrong wrong wrong wrong picture her to be there.

I don't know, i could be going on bashing without end about this said show - luckily i used my liberty as a home viewer - i switched the channel to channel 132.

For the first time since the premier week of Maharaja Lawak Mega (MLM) aired on channel 132 - i actually glad to have that option of spending tv time and have actually enjoyed the performances of MLM contestants.

Now, MLM jokes were really jokes at least even it didn't tickle the audiences, there was a clear effort to entertain the audiences - but ASK? the only thing that definitely made the people laughing is how floppy that show is. the joke is on them for once.

PS: and what is up with all the wannabe Oscars dress-up with all the celebs? THIS IS MALAYSIA, YOU (MOST OF THEM) ARE MUSLIM, this ain't Hollywood nor it is an international award. You guys competing with domestically (and most even just between the in-house productions). Pity all the ladies that have to doll-up for the world to see, and pity for all who enjoyed seeing what they see.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Rainy Malaysia!

OK, so everybody now are well aware that Malaysia's in its rainy seasons. Now unlike Bangkok, thank god the capital isn't inundated...yet.

For me, i personally like the rainy seasons (minus the possible floods of course) since it will cool down the tropical temperature this country associated for.

I love the smells of rain, i love the sounds of rain, i love the rain.

Not only it will soak ya, but also it is cooling and most of all there is always this odd mellowly feelings that comes with the season - you know almost like what you will feel when it's winter.

People just turn lazy and want to stay home, sips in hot coffee, or in the case of Malays i guess some warm, spicy TomYam for dinner would do the trick.

But what happens to someone that is already a sloth like me? LOL!

Comes this malaysian styled 'winter' - my already lazy nature becomes even more lazy.

There's a simple equation to this.

Rain+ cold+ wet+ mellow = Sleepyheads.

BUT in malaysia, there is one ugliness about this season unfortunately...although this misfortune only applies to ASTRO subscribers....because with RAIN comes DISCONNECTION! and now that it is raining at almost every hour of everyday - the chances of no TV time for users is higher! and what a shame to the service provider despite this disadvantage , we the users are still paying the hefty bills but less services!

nonetheless I still love the rainy seasons. BUT not my daughter because now that she's diagnosed with bronchopneumonia - means we have to pay extra attention to the changes of the weather as she is prone for 'attacks' if the weather gets colder than her body can take. By 'attacks' i mean - coughings, sneezings and possibly fever.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

new gadget to motivate me



quite a happy human being today.

finally, i got myself an electronic dictionary...although not the brand i was hoping for nor it is a known brands for electronic dictionary - instead it is a malaysian made very cheesy looking (seriously it looks like a toy) BESTA MD221.

now this kind of gadget has always been on my wishlists eversince i got my hands tyring on a casio english-japanese one loaned by dear friend sufi when i was in tokyo for benkyo related. from that point on, i was in love with the practicality of owning an electronic gadget.

especially convenient for someone who is not a walking dictionary like me.

but that was way in 2005. eversince me got back, me always on the look out for reasonably priced gadgets of this kind- but never did find- not only it is quite rare in bookshops (except kinokuniya which you can guess the price range), but the brands available are limited. sold here are only 2 types of casio's series and a few less known brand...until about 2-3 years back the rave was on with electronic dictionaries...of course the promotion was all out for a malaysian brand- BESTA.

anywho, like most malaysian products- the price is about the same with that outstanding brands of its kind (note: casio,samsung,sharp) of course i am naming japanese brands as those outstanding ones as they are the inventors of this gadgets (yes,practically every japanese has one electronic dictionary)
o
anyway, only now ...after 6 years and during my last postgrad semester have i got myself one, though only BESTA made but the price i paid for its most basic model was a real bargain- rm199 at popular books as opposed to its normal price rm368. and for that price, i got english-bm-english, idioms,phrases,takwim,chinese vocabs,voice pronounciations and a few other interesting knick-knacks. oh only thing a downer for me- it lacks thesaurus and the explainations automatically translated to the other language; so far example when i search for the word iconoclast- it explains in BM- penentang tradisi/pemusnah berhala...pretty extreme wouldn't you say. but it was a real bargain for what it has to offers..so i am recommending it. total worth the penny (if it's on sale like mine that is) but if it's not, still great if you're desperate for many features in one - if not,i suggest you get what you need like casios/sharps etc; better quality,better vocabs,reliable for learning :)

for now my BESTA will do. :))

Monday, October 31, 2011

Alhamdulillah, Praise Allah..

My dad gave a 'slap' of reality today.

That I should count myself lucky and be more responsible and honest toward fulfilling my duty as a fully sponsored student and not procrastinate and make excuses (although there are founded reasons - but actually turning those hurdles in life as challenges instead of wallowing in self pity).

As such I made it a point (again) in my life to come to the library everyday to work and not delay anything much more.

NOW this daily library visit as a routine - is something that i have actually enjoyed doing since embarking this academia life of mine; but lately well..for 3 months of constant slacking - this 're-visit' made me reaffirms my 'faith' - that i do belong this way.

THIS IS ME. with my trusted backpack, hours in front of my dedicated laptop, books/journals on the table, do not need to care much about what i wear, what my shoes are, how i styled my hijab - this is MY WORLD - where you are not judge by your physical appearances but only your ideas and minds are your value.

That 1 month of my so-called "comeback" to my old place - made me realized that i have never enjoyed the corporation, reaffirms my stand about their work practices - that unspoken slogan "permata diangkat, kaca biarkan" ("diamonds" indispensable while "glasses" are replaceable) [by diamonds = those good looking people with so-called potential and so-called 'broadcast' type, while glasses = those behind the scenes minions deemed unworthy for airtime and such must remained sidelined] <<---- this unspoken slogan is not something i made of, is not reflection of my opinion rather it is the exact phrase given to me by somebody that holds a higher ranking position in the corporation albeit that person confirmed against his ideals too but have to abide because it is work slogan, you know.

BUT don't get me wrong, my detestation is only against this particular corporation's way of categorizing its human capital, how the discrimination being played out..i am never in any way criticizing the career - for me the media world flows in my veins - it is a passion, an interest that i inherited from my dad that used to work in a radio and tv station. I grow up watching how camera works, lives behind the scene, the scripts, the make-up, the talent scouting, the shots...everything there is to know about broadcasting world - i grew up with that. i enjoyed that. hence the 'ditching' one university in an English Literature course for UiTM for media studies. I spent my early adulthood enriching myself in media studies, i learned to work in graveyard hours during my course of media studies - i breathe and live all things media - editing, sounds, pictures...that is my passion. that is what i enjoyed most and that were the cause that brought me my first job.

For that- all the years in that old place of mine from 2006 - i have nothing but gratitude. I love the people, i love the work loads, i love the challenges, i love the pressures and i have lived it up to it all.

Quitting last 2010 was not an easy decision. I knew at one hand i love everything i wrote in the previous paragraphs , but on the other hand,i have this one major opportunity that doesn't come easily nor cheaply.

That is why, i wanted to 'comeback' to my old self although i never wanted to go back to that old place especially not the 'studio' department - a department deemed worst in terms of workloads,facilities,hours,budget etc. Boy, but i went to it anyways.

And now, i know that i have to make whatever i have at hands to work. THIS, THIS ACADEMIA LIFE gotta work, though sounds very intimidating (i am so freaking out about it really) BUT ALLAH knows best.

Most of the times what we think we would be great at, enjoyed most isn't something necessarily good for us. My 'comeback' is a proof to this. I didn't like one bit. And now i am reassuming my 'role' and routine to the library - i had the relief feeling, coming in to the library, went to check-in for personal study room - i felt as if a boulder have been lifted off my shoulders.

Alhamdulillah, I'm happy. InsyaAllah i will win this fight. I have to be stronger than i have ever been. Allah bless me please, show me the way, guide me for the one true career in my life. Amin.

Friday, October 21, 2011

I have my reasons, i quit!

one thing for sure, i am quite an indecisive person. also, i am kind of person who cannot lie in a fashion often termed as 'white lies' especially when face-to-face (as such i'd usually would (if needs to be) lie without eye-contact or via the phone or writings.

another thing about me - i have acute migraine this past of late. the headaches are more often, stays longer once it decides to be on me head and aches more severely.

As such, i hate to have things messing me head/mind causing the unnecessary stress.

...i have got so many things already on me plate, equally many shits am going through and have gone through and will go through i reckon, so it is only wiser for me to lessen any possible shits en route my life on becoming a graduate.

BUT i would not lie when i said, me decision of going back to work at me old place although a different department was a HUGE MISTAKE!!

despite my clear conscience and instinct, i'd still went for it only to find i was in a way manipulated by that place from the get-go...

..not only i was asked to work on a terribly short notice, i came in on my so-called first day without having actually agreed to it - was asked to sign in and everything and they didn't show me any contract despite me asking for it..(of course being a jelly-me, i wasn't that firm needless to say)

...i knew in my hearts that they were giving me a LC abbrev. for Legal Contract (more like Lousy Contract or Loser's Contract!) - this people, is the most inhumane not to mentioned illegal by the standards of both International and Local Labour Laws - it denies every bit of benefits and social workers rights & welfare.

.......BUT i'd still keep me fingers crossed you know, hoping that they are not that inhumane as i am not a fresh-grad and have had working (relevant, mind you) experiences to be bullied in such a way......

BOY was i wrong. only on me 4th day i've mustered the courage to asked the person in charge (because i've asked that said person before (much in terms of innuendos - didn't think that person could have been so innocent in innuendos lingo)

ANYWAYS, let's just say, i've had the intention of leaving from the first week already - the mortification, humiliation were intolerable for my taking - everything about it - from the working atmosphere, the facilities, the employment...screams utter degradation.

BUT, i wasn't keen to leave it all just because of that - at least not after what i have 'invested' upon starting the shigoto - the new shoes to so-called befitting of a tv journalist image in accordance to the kashain's standards (if there is any).

SURELY if any of you reading, would think that i am nothing more but a whiner to say such things ..but i bet you'll have a different opinion about me when i say that the place already belittling me right from the interviewing stage :-

humiliation 1) asked to gave copy of effin' SPM results
humiliation 2) one of the interviewer were shocked to his eyeballs to learned that i went to Sri Aman Girls High School - his exact words was "you don't look like one sri amanian gal , you look kampong (village) girl that's what you look like" - and this he kept repeating over and over like in utter disbelief that I never had anywhere else in this world except Petaling Jaya as my home (hence the first humiliation i reckon - you know as proof i was a Sri Aman girl)

.............i mean, have you ever met such shallow minded people like that? since when did it ever matter what high school you went to or whether you're so-called town girl or suburban/village one to get a job? what was worst that interviewer was not so much of a town boy himself - he was from the east coast (reputedly viewed as kampong by malaysian's social standards) and even when he talks, he still wears the village's accent!

At that point, i knew that that place was all wrong for me - really against my gut feelings.

BUT i persevered. I stayed. I am concerned about what little good name i have had in my past experiences relating to that company and of my husband's - as such i wanted to keep that good name...

HOWEVER, like i said - as if everything is set against me - from the get-go, everything doesn't seem to be working out for me....to add insult to injury, the job scope was widen for me - the worst of all -shift hours. something that i never wanted . i mean, this is what i meant by 'manipulated'. if only during the interviewing stage they have told me straight up that i was going to be 'pull' for extra shows including shifts one - i would have make my stand!

you see i was not looking for something of a lifetime ..or maybe if i was, i surely don't want to start all over from scratch at the same company facing the same ridicule that i have survived last 5 years to become what i had left it to be...starting over as if i was a fresh grad was a RIDICULE. i left my position as acting producer en-route of permanent position, a senior in my office - you know i have enjoyed that 'small privileges' - but going back to serve as LC while there is a less experienced chap gotten himself a better employment contract and when asked on what merit he was awarded that...the answer given was clearly an insult to my intellegence - "oh he got that better place (than you) because he has 2 years of experiences (in another station)" : in all civility, i tried calming my raving minds although my mouth wanted to shout back at that person and said in bold sentences " but i have effing 4 years of experiences, why that doesn't count?" - but being me, refusing to stoop down at that person's level of ignorance and stupidity to simple mathematics - i reserved my comment to her nonchalant justification.

OK maybe i was being overly snob? BUT being sidelined and allowing yourself to be sidelined is plain stupid. you sell what you have, and if they're paying a lesser price - you opt to exit and find another buyer.

I knew then i've got to let myself out. BUT everytime i waited, everytime i wasted precious hours and everytime i was the losing party - because i haven't got myself the bloody contract i can't claim my paycheque. SO, i waited for the clearance of my contract , persistently bugging whoever is responsible in the process of me getting my cheque. At the same time, i asked alot of people on their opinon of my situation and surprisingly their answers were unanimous - QUIT.

THEN as if Allah was trying to help me find my way, just as i was 'sinking' myself deeper in the shithole - i got my 'break'. My daughter was sick. She fell ill coincidentally on the week when i was supposed to finish an assigment. I was torned in between marching on or bowing out.

You see i am not the breadwinner of the family. I am a housewife and a mother to a very young toddler. And so, when your little one is sick, i feel it is my dutiful role as the mother to care for my child. Hell with the job. hell with everybody. Because the job do not allow me for MC, Emergency Leave etc. when i needed it most - what choices do i have?? QUIT.

SO after third consecutive days, my child's fever wasn't recovering - in the midst of all that fiasco - I QUIT.

Still mustering the strength i had in me to give it a last go - i actually stayed (overtime) way till midnight despite my daughter's health situation - i stayed for editing, taking in the impossible task, embracing new machines without any crash course to use it - but the facilities were banal to stay the least - tried two rooms and with the help of two person that have more experiences working with the machines - it was futile.

Frustrated, messed up and utterly knackered - i sent home a friend that stayed with me to help with the editing only to find myself took a wrong route back to my place - i was almost lost at the highway and it was past midnight - suddenly i knew that was the answer to my horrible ordeal - QUIT!

I just woke up the next day, looked at my very feverish child, her puppy eyes, her burning body temp , it affirmed my last' previous night omen- I QUIT.

I took in whatever advices that i've collected before - saying it doesn't matter for me to even notify anybody, i could well be MIA and then just be gone with it and don't give a rat's ass about the place anymore...they say just QUIT.

I know if that's the way to be - my name, my good name...whatever ounces left of it - will be tarnished possibly forever...

SO in the midst of me being a worried mom to a sick toddler and being a responsible 'illegal' contractor - chose the former! i chose my daughter!

SO if that is considered a cowardice act - I dont't want to be brave.

If chosing to care for your sick child is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Let me be, and let them tarnish whatever they have of me - my name..but they can't take away my principles, my life, my daughter. I have my reasons, i quit! eat that.

PS: for the record, on the day i chose to quit- my daughter was on her fourth day of high fever and started to cough quite badly..on her sixth day - we took her to hospital and she was warded for bronchopneumonia where she and i stayed for 5 days. My daughter on tons of medicines - puffs/syrups/antibiotics (3days) and were advised to restrict her outdoor activities for she is possible for relapse. I made the right decision to quit.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Exposing Self to the Blogosphere

After so much self wallowing, i've gotten myself back to the working world at least for awhile (that is the plan) until i can figure out whether i would want to continue on the basis of assuming a lecturing career OR back to sordid self of mere ass-kicking (ass-kicked) worker in the glitz & glam world that is the media industry.

2. Of course me gotta figure out exactly the resources needed for 100k compensation if i choose to adopt the latter option in life.

3. So in that case, there is no option is there. No way am gonna find 100k (and if i do find that much money I'd better spend it on meself-luxuring all things i had wished i have...)

4. OK for now busy-ing self at PWS under a new programme. Quite interesting. Internationally-issues-related kind. Which also means tons of possibilities for overseas work.

5. BUT time is short for me. I got less than 3 months to finish that damn thesis which carry massive 40 credit hours (serves me right...! f***)

6. I want to stay in this lala land forever..LOL.

7. OH, sweetest thing. Daughter started to make a sentences, understandable sentences, phrases. Which is a good start albeit some might say it is quite late for a 2 year old.

8. Either way, she's most adorable now that i love to play 'sulking-face' with her and she would come and console me, hug me and tell me how much she loves me. It is so soothing.

9. OK. suddenly remembered got lots of proposals to make (side jobs) and hate finishing what is pressing that THESIS. i just don't have the mood nemore..now that ISA is about to be abolished and all........freedom of speech so-called will be restored.......yadadadaddadadada.........would there still be any relevance if i stay on my subject of interest? or do i need to have a major restructuring? hatttttttttttttte this part of not knowing what to do..

10. mampuskan la..for now layan utube, layan lagu layan aljazeera listening posts lagi bagus..(^-^)

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Quick rambling

pure neglection to this blog since forever.
OK. so after me shortlived joy of submitting my proposal aka chapter 1 in time and receiving enormous positive feedbacks from the sv, i left it untouched ever since and that peeps was in july.

2. TYPICAL. there was ramadan excuse, and comes after the holy month, there was the Eid excuse. I mean, my work was constantly put on procrastination stage because of so many happenings in my life ( or reasons for the procrastination to take place)

3. So i heard that no sorts of extension will be entertained to any tpm scholars regardless the reasons they may have.

4. Well, i do have my reasons. And not that this news is a surprise to me, i am looking for an extension simply because i wanted to and do not think i could finish within the stipulated time.

5. BUT i won't dare to ask for the allowances to be extended as well. Hence, i have been scouting for jobs since july to have an early start for my own 'loan make-up' or 'rainy days' allocations fund.

6. AND just when i have lost the faith and given, came not one but two offers/openings.

7. THOUGH i dont fancy of going back to my 'old place' cos you know, wanting to have 'change' once awhile thingy; i have a special place in me hearts for that 'old place' you know...quite sentimental.

8. more than sentimental, it is actually, honest to god, CONVENIENT. yes, it is closest to my pad and the fact i've had experiences in the place so i pretty much know the M.O of the job specs.

9. BUT what got me excited was another oppurtunity. ive been a fan. the perks offered wayyyy better, but its location draws a huge setback for me. AND of course, knowing ive known most of the heads in the department from my past acquaintances; it'll only means that i need to 'bring it, or don't bring nothing at all'. you know, cant be screwing me good names ( and hubby's for that matter cos these people are mostly acquainted with the hub)

10. STALL and more stall. for now i will have more on my plates but i reckon it is for good in me life.

11. going back to work would mean: more hectic, more discplined, more stress, more fun and hopefully i can lose some of my troubling 'sloth's weight' accumulated since last year and in between hoped to be able to finish the paper.

12. ive seen some friend's work and i must say that though it seems hefty , most of the efforts been put forth are do-able. they've used largely from online sources without the real need of physically going through the trouble of library hopping and book huntings for hours.

13. alas, perserverance intact i must, strive harder i shall or be denied everything that i ever hoped for in search for a better life (economically).