Saturday, September 30, 2017

Year 2017 and more

Konnichi Wa Minna-sama. 

It has been awhile since my last post on this url. In all honesty, I feel that of late, the drive to update my life and pure ramblings in the form of bits and bytes have somewhat diminishes. 

I reckon it got something to do with my age. Or perhaps simply free time- that I don't quite have these days.

2017 and more. As the title has it, probably a misnomer to what I'm about to unravel. It's now month of October. We have little less than 6 months to go before 2018.

So what life has been prior to this? Many. 

The biggest most sordid of all is my worst fear as far as my career is concern- which is to be relocated to the south, away from the bustling city of KL, away from modernity, and most dreadful of all, AWAY from HOME. 

2017. I turned 35 years of age. 3 years in my employment. 2 daughters. Many more dreams to live. 

For as long as I have lived, my universe revolves around my family- parents, 6 siblings and their families, and my own nucleus family. And this universe of mine has always been in Kelana Jaya or KJ only or at least within radius of 30KM. 

During my primary and secondary school days, I've never been away from home. I'm such a homey-type bore that even friends would after a few declined-invites, never extend their invitations ever again. I don't go out after school, even when I had the opportunity to do so during tuition hours - I mean, I had a clear 2-3 hours of escapism that I could use to do some sneaky stuffs BUT never did. I'd never tried to loiter around like most cool kids of the 90s do. 

Then, came uni days. Accepted in IIUM for Bachelor in English minor in Human Sciences. As freshyear student, I cannot escape dormitory life. It was enforced upon us as first year student. But, mind you, the uni and my home was just approx. 15 minutes drive and still in very much the beloved KJ/PJ life I've known of-- that universe.

Even then, I'd go back home at every opportunity I can get and on every weekends. I remember, I made my mama proud to be part of an international-full fledge University student. Furthermore, it was an Islamic uni and I was forced to donned the hijab for the first time in my life. 

This was back in 2000, for a pseudo-rebel-yet homey type of young adult such as I, life in an all Islamic uni was so unbearable to get accustomed to. Hijab? Hand-stockings? PJ girl? Live in a dorm of 16 students? Bunk-beds? Islamic? It was hard for me. 

I soon took fate in my own hands-I applied other uni without my parents knowing and got accepted too. I went to class as usual only to this new uni which my parents knew nothing of, to them I was going to the uni that they sent me off in the first place.. But soon, the results was sent to my home and parents found out that I was about to be dismissed from that uni due to failure in all exams. Of course I failed, I never took the exams anyway. 

My secret was out. Parents disappointed? You bet. BUT they were still supportive of my new uni choice. This new place too, was still considered close to home. Just 20 mins drive. I was happy, for awhile. Again, as new students we were forced to stay in the hostel. And again, I never did. Every chance I got, I would find my way back home and sleep in the comfort of my home. My bed in the hostel was always the most tidiest one. No crease on the bedsheet as I rarely use them. 

That life went on for  almost 3 1/2 years before my first break in life. I was selected to be part of that uni's historic program. I left the nest, my universe and lived in Tokyo, Japan for almost 8 months. Away from family, away from every single thing that I was used to and comfortable with. 

It was hard. Yet I survived obviously. And turns out that 8 months experience was one of the sweetest experiences in my life thus far. Came back to my universe, finished another 2 years of study in the same uni and graduated. 

Life as a working adult commenced. Found job even closer to home. Approx in 10 mins drive! Life was a bliss. I didn't even had to wait for a job, I got one even before I finished my study. I was lucky. And it was a job that relates to my study and boy, I was good at it. 

Then married life started. Husband and I was working at the same company albeit different departments. Naturally, we carpool together. However now, my life has taken another milestone. That universe for the fist time was changed to a suburb (then) Saujana Utama, Sungai Buloh. This was a place I moved into soon after I married, as my husband had bought the house when we got engaged. This time, I had to endure 40mins drive to work. BUT it was still manageable, we both escaped the horrendous traffics unlike most major residents in Saujana Utama, as our working hours was flexi. 

This life, felt back then, a total is bliss. It continued until right about I had my first child. It occurred to me that I've made a vow to self after my Japan experiences- that I'd pursue academic excellence as best as I could to the most highest degree possible. 

PhD was in my mind. BUT I knew I was not such straight As student, thus getting a scholarship would be close to impossible. I knew if this vow is to be fulfilled, I needed to have my own resources. 

BUT my life then working in a hectic newsroom was unforgiving to have a free time for any possible academic venture. I knew I had to quit and find a job that would allow or encourage academia OR I knew I had to find a scholarship. 

The pursuit of academia begun. I got my first offer, it was in a relatively new uni, but it was far up in the east coast. I have my baby then, such idea of shifting again my "universe" to more than 300KM from HOME was unacceptable. Husband was against it although the lure of the offer which was a chance to pursue PhD overseas was enticing. 

In between this search, I got another offer- academia too in theme but not a scholarship instead was a change in career. Husband again was pensive for this move. I declined both offers. 

The search continues, until one day I got a call from, ironically the uni that I literally "grow up" with, blossomed into the adult that I was. I ponder and dreaded to take up the offer in all honesty as I don't quite like the idea of going back to a place I knew of. BUT husband approved this, and I soon find myself accepting the offer. 

The best yet in a sordid way about this offer was I had a PhD offer but never knew of.  I thought it was only for MA. I was offered the study in Politics which I was euphoric about and was close to appeal for an overseas placement instead. However, husband disapproves the idea being away from our young family and asked to do it locally. 

I however was determined not to pursue at the same uni that I was expected work at. A change of fresh air, I insist. And a change it was. Went on to have MSDS in University Malaya, again still quite manageable drive from Saujana and close to mom's place too. That postgrad life was a bliss until...turmoil begins. LOL. 

Enough said, I had to finished my MA longer than most people do, BUT it was common in UM. In fact, I was the first in my class to submit my thesis and graduate. Some I know today have not graduated at all. 

Anyway, at this point of my life, 31+, God have me a second child. Unplanned but Allah is the best planner indeed. I almost give it all up. That envisioned career in academia was shattered due to my failure to complete my studies on time. I was ready to go back to my old job. I was aching to back to my old job. I wanted my old job. And at that time, they wanted me back too. Husband was without a solid advise to me for the first time. He, said it was all up to me to make a decision in life. 

Of course due to the scholarship contract, my head was worth 100K if I chose to break the contract and took on another job. I was afraid to continue the academia life as rumours were rife that all new employees would be transferred to another state. 

This shivers me. If I stay, I'll be putting up my life, my universe in jeopardy. My fear of being away from HOME was driving me crazy. With a newborn in my life, I felt this was too much to bear. I was ready to give up. 100K or what they can just bloody go to eff. BUT I soon realised, in all this charade, my dad an RTM vet, was the proudest of me. My dad, rarely shares his qualms and worries to his kids-told me for the first time that he was proud of his kids. Well, proud of me and my older sister in particular. While he said he is sad that it seems there were others that may have been quite a disappointment but he said, this was only due to him a disappointing parents to us as well. Of course, he was blaming himself for all the bad things that we turned out to be, but me, was one of the good apples in the end, well at least it seems in terms of secured career. Particularly pursuing a career as an academic and in a way following his footsteps he said, that made him overwhelmed in pride. 

This was the exact moment I felt a pang in life, that no matter how much sour things in the end has been to me in terms of my new career, I knew I have to make him proud. And so it begins. I, from day one in my employment worked my arse out. Trying my best to give my all, impressing everyone in the end and as it turned out annoyed some as I may have appeared to them as that new "threat". Just as I was the shining star once in  that newsroom, I was also the shiniest new star in this academia life. I was shining so brightly that it "blinded" some with envy. 

And I let my guards down-I let rogue characters in and worse I trusted them. I was manipulated. I was used and abused. In the end, I retreated knowingly well enough that that could mean the fall of me, into the abyss of labyrinth filled with uncertainty, challenges and MOST OF ALL- RELOCATED! 

My universe crumbles. My worst nightmare slowing turning into a reality. I tried to find my way out, but those against me was stronger than my will. I succumb to the rogues. I was defeated. In between defeat, I was fast finding my way out once and for all. I searched and found again not one, but TWO doors opening wide for me. With 100K bounty on my head, I was convinced that so long I could keep my universe intact, I'd be happy enough to payback that bounty. Money to me could be sourced out anytime, BUT family? never. 

I was so close to make that rash decision, to leave, to quit. I can't tolerate this nonsense and ridicule I felt, betrayed by the institution. I was forced to a program that did not match my Master's degree. I hated everyone there that I knew played that evil part, inflicting this pain to me and my young family. Ive forgiven them now but I will never forget! NEVER. The wound was so deep that the scar they caused me would be there for eternity. 

Alas, Feb 2017 just 6 days after my 35th birthday, another milestone was carved in my life. For the sake of making my dad and mom proud, for the vow that I made myself to pursue academia, I'll give this career a last chance. My universe now expands approx 120KM away from my young girls, husband, aging parents and every memory that I love. My life practically now is divided into two: one in the arms of my beloveds-the reasons to live and other is the life that I forced myself to be. 5 days in a week, I took on a different personality, on every drive I'm making I prayed to Allah that the Almight bless and make it easy for me. 

This 2017 is the sacrifice I made, the Hijrah that I never wanted and didn't know I had the strength to endure. 

2017 and beyond, I don't know what and where it'll take me. BUT I know for sure, even if I stopped here, I will not stop to pursue that PhD dream I vow myself to have. Not because of my career, not because I want to put Dr. in front if my name (which I don't have any intention to), not to feel supreme than others BUT that was a promise I made myself when Allah granted me a chance in my life to be in the land of the rising sun, to still have a chance to finish my studies with good grades even though I almost fall out and risk being uni drop-out all because of my stupidity and immaturity of what I thought was love. I was out of it, well dumped actually by a prick that used me and I thought that was it, when he ended it, my universe ends. However, Japan came in my life, I was resurrected, akin to a Phoenix, rise from the ashes and found myself again. I learnt that he was nothing but a prick, a life lesson, that I could and should have done better without. 

This, 2017 is again my vow. I'm gonna reiterate it from 2004. That academia dreams is still on. Insya-Allah, before I reached 40, this needs to be done and who knows where it will take me. Only the Almighty have the power to bestow on me the best deal in life. When that day comes, it will be awesome. Aamiin. 

Friday, September 18, 2015

Time Limit


This is going to be a short one. Just today, after I came back home from work, my husbad related to me a quite sad yet common story. Our friend's sister in-law's passing. A young wife of 29 years of age, she passed on just before sunrise. She was believed to have had a heart attack.

My husband rarely shares story with me. I am not quite sure why this one was important for him to shared, but I reckon it must've been the tragic way ofthe deceased's husband finding out the death of his wife - when he woke up in the morning, just like any other morning or so he thought, before that mad dash to work, he tries to find the wife next to him only to found her already faced-down on the floor next to their bed - all blued, stiff...and cold dead. 

The wife was not suffering any serious health problems, in fact the story goes she was healthy except did complain of being tired and backpain of late...

And then it occurred to me to relate to my husband my story - was quite recent and of late kept happening to me. That I too, had some serious scares of my life! 

In fact just about 5 days ago, when I had to stay up late in my failed attempt to finish some pending work (was staying up late for 3 consecutive days & woke up early each day), one night...after thinking that I had enough of the s**t, I decided to hit the sack at 5.30am BUT only to find that somehow my pulse was beating too fast...I could actually felt the veins near my neck beating fast too...and the veins felt so big, it seems. It was weird thing. Not healthy too...

You know when you've been living your life for 3 decades, and have gone through 2 life-changing traumatic experiences of giving birth, you've gone through that horrible pain of unimaginable ordeal that is labour pain! And this, this heart beating too fast your veins feel like exploding, was something peculiar yet you know it is unnatural and calls for red flags! 

Suddenly I felt like choking, my chest was heavy and I couldn't breathe. I know panicking is the one thing I shouldn't do. Tried calling my husband for help, but he was sound asleep. I knew if this is the way I'd go (God forbids!) I just want yo close my eyes and go quietly - I reached out to touched my youngest girl, just barely 19 months who was sleeping next to me. Her soft tiny hands against mine...I hold her...if I was to go, I wanted to hold her next to me. I shut my eyes and took deep breaths and exhale was hard. BUT that tiny hand suddenly moved and my baby rolled herself closer to me (she does that all the time) and I knew I just don't want to go just yet. I want to see her grow. She and her bigger sister. I moved my arm and hugged her while still taking deep breaths  in between - I don't want to die! I sniffed her lovely hair and just kept breathing and thinking of death. And I chant a lil zikir. I prayed Allah don't take me yet. I don't want my babies becoming orphaned at such tender years. 

Of course I woke up in the next 1.5 hours, alhamdulillah. Allah did give me another chance.

This, thing of a sudden heavy-chest, difficulties in breathing and heart's rate like a bullet train, happened quite regularly lately. And it's scary.

I told my husband, one time I tried moving my feet to called him but I couldn't moved. 

And that's the moment that I tell him, if anything bad did happen to me while he was sleeping, and he found me froze the next morning, I want him to know that he shouldn't feel sorry for me. 

My dear husband, if I do go before you, please take care of our daughters. Please don't ever forsake them. Please, as reluctantly I want to say this, find someone who will love them as much as I do (and I hope that you don't find another woman that soon to replace me when I'm dead)...that's painful. 

I know I haven't been the best of a wife and mommy to our kids, BUT I do try. And LOVE them with all my heart.

Dear Raihanna Iman and Raessa Imani, mommy sayang buchuk2 mommy sangat. 

For Kakak Hana, mommy memang cepat marah, but that's because I love you. I want you to be the best of a person you can be. 

For Adik Icha, you're the cutest lil angel. When I was carrying you mommy was diabetic, it was difficult. I couldn't eat much at all and never gained weight - and when we were in labour, it was the easiest part with you Icha sayang. However the doc had to used forceps apparatus to helped with the birth. Because mommy couldn't pushed you out. Was on epidural and already tired after 10 hours of labour. 

Do remember me all my beloveds and hope you will always have me in your hearts forever even when I am long gone from this world.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

What does Merdeka means to you

What does 'Merdeka' means to you? 

For me, it has been many. Sure as cliche as it may be, my Merdeka means being freed from foreign rule since 31st August 1957. To be able to wake up & live each day without the fear of guns/bombs is another. 

In my early 20s, my Merdeka means to be able to enjoy free concert on the eve of Merdeka & just loitering around KL till wee hours thinking that is the coolest thing to do (of course that my 'party life' didn't last mom was a fierce mama bear at home).

Then 2004 on the eve of Merdeka, I left my motherland for the first time in my entire life. I could recall in the plane, looking down I felt a teeny lump in my throat, it was an unaccustomed feeling. Was I being patriotic? I looked at the Jalur Gemilang my friends gave me when leaving the airport as a parting memorabilia - they signed & scribbled some well-wishes on it. The next 8 months of my life as an alien (gaijin) that flag kept me company, especially in my time of solitude & feeling terribly homesick sitting at the working table, the flag was next to pictures of all my loved ones, I'd feel that lump in my throat again. This time, that lump and I are tomodachi (friends). 

And in between the years of finding self & adulthood, that patriotism slowly diminishes and before long it's just a distant feeling. Looking at the national flag, it is what it is - flag. Now, where's that lump that used to choke me whenever this nationalistic imagery come into contact with me?

Fast-forward, in my 30s, I found that lump again. My 'merdeka' lump and I reunited after 10 years since its debut in 2004. Now, with two kids, my first born was the one responsible to strike some independence day sense in me. 

Her pure request of getting some mini Jalur Gemilang was denied initially until I gave in to her and bought each one of my nucleus family, a piece that costs only 50 cents each. 

Her innocence towards the meaning of Merdeka slowly made me feel excited again. We both sing in the car, even her younger 1 y.o sis tried to say "eka" short for Merdeka. My daughters and I sing a few rounds of Merdeka song over and over again till our heart's content, a bit off-tune yet we were singing so loudly and happily that my daughter even roll-down the car window and scream "Merdeka" at random people while waving the flag at them (she feels so euphoric having a flag in her hand finally).

Seeing my 6 y.o wholeheartedly celebrating Merdeka made me lumps in the throat again. Suddenly, all of the Merdeka lyrics reverberate deep in me. I want this maintained & treasured forever. 

I want my kids to love and respect this nation so that it will prosper into an even more wonderful Malaysia. 

This love displayed by my daughter who is 6 years old to Malaysia, is unconditional & pure...However, it will be a disgrace if her love and many more innocent souls like her get tainted all thanks to many of the so-called loving mostly young adult Malaysians who wore Yellow (read: Bersih 4.0) today, on the eve of our National Day smearing the country's image under the pretext of saving Malaysia, such a fallacy that needed to be rectify immediately before the damage goes beyond repair.

Sunday, June 7, 2015

I am no poet but you're my haley's comet

Although I rarely say I love you,
But do know that deep inside, I do,
For having you is truly a blessing,
Your my other half that has been missing;
Over the years my heart grows fonder,
But it's no wonder,
A father, a husband, a friend & a lover,
You know what tickles my fancy,
What drives me crazy.
Lately I know I am busy,
Forgive me sayang,
Though I appear to be neglecting,
Not an intention of deflecting,
Thank you syg for staying with me,
Albeit my waistline you could no longer see,
Please bear with me for years to come,
When my body be like a drum,
Never succumb.
Alas this is no sonnet,
For I am no poet,
But you'll forever be my haley's comet.

For someone who I miss dearly, and only can see you through tv,
Me hubby, in saudi. Come back quick, i am going crazy. With the kids & work that's neverending, afraid that i'll jump-off building. 

Huh, even that part rhymes. No, i am no poet.
Not even pseudo, not even going to try.