Tuesday, December 8, 2009


salams. this will be a short one, a very short one. but enough to sums up my whole feelings at the moment.



Thursday, December 3, 2009

Inspired,lazying and everything in between

1. berhabuk. period. i been neglecting this blog for many reasons. mainly laziness. partly super busy parent. and the rest, working my butts off for monthly salary.

2. sometimes feel so demotivated. wait can't be spoiling off stuffs about shigoto, 'they' 'crucified' me for that. how injustice can this shigoto of mine be? ruthless sometimes. what is wrong for pouring out your feelings, however ill it may be. i was misunderstood for that. and the result is this new site. Aku tak pernah lupa, walaupun Dr M kata Melayu Mudah Lupa, tapi aku tidak, adakah itu bermakna aku bukan melayu? Memang aku mix! LOL! betul pe, mix, XX+XY=me!

3. my bundle of joy is growing. before i was worried sick she couldn't turn herself over and lie face down (meniarap) paranoid would be the perfect way to describe my feelings. alhamdulillah she finally did what i had always hoping she would be doing at about 4 months though just a month overdue. good girl. now it seems that's her favorite sleeping position, though i'm always on look out and (again) worried sick if she suffocates. (god forbid, ameen)

4. i started to blog (previous site) using blogdrive. that was ages ago. was entitled "Dear Diary Me" lame i know. lol! was inspired by the Allahyarhamah Yasmin Ahmad's blog actually. Back then, it was not a phenomenon. No one blog, even Tun M.

5. Mainly i wrote about my feelings. The usuals pouring out (as i'm one of those miss pms) emotional tak hengat. I wrote about everything that comes to my mind, recording daily happenings (though not consistently)

6. That time, the most popular networking site was MS and FS. walaupun aku sudah membuka akaun FB tetapi tidak aktif, sebab takde kawan yang pakai FB. sekarang, MS, FS dan segala macam jadah lagi semua dah berabuk. walaupun masih logging sesekali sebab aku pakai same pword for everything (g, bukak pekung for hackers don't i?) Selain networking site, apa saja jadah akaun (free hosting) aku sign-up. Sampaikan seorang kawan aka flirty2 aku pernah mengomen , 'gosh you're everywhere on the net babe! cyberspace is you, you is cyberspace' ok, the latter is a spiced up line LOl! serious googled me up with my infamous nick and you'll sure link to me.

7. Those were the times when I always send e-cards to friends, ehem-ehem and etc. LOL

8. AND internet jugaklah buat aku mengenal ehem-ehem #1, mendekatkan aku dengan ehem-ehem #2, saksi PJJ ehem-ehem #3, mengintimkan ehem-ehem #4 dan yang paling hakiki hingga kini.

9. Don't get me wrong bukan nak ngungkit sejarah. just merely reminiscing the past. and learning from it. jadikan teladan gitu for future reference if neccessary.

10. Now that blogging, FB and everything else a hip, trendy thing, I kinda slowed down the pace (walaupun kekadang sampai tahap hibernasi) sebab? rujuk 1 & 2

11. Tetapi sebenar-benarnya sebab UTAMA aku memblog dari dahulu lagi, kerana aku suka meraban, menulis. And i force myself to do so in Eigo-English. Reason being, to brush up the lingo.

12. Never crossed my mind the intention to write in English for other reasons that stated at #11. Not wanting to prove anything to anyone.

13. Looking back, me reckon my skills (if any) have somewhat deteriorated. Significantly so right about when i started my current shigoto.

14. Brings me back to reason of misundertanding and the nature of that kashain. period.

15. I'm still longing for that dream. Reaching out for that star. Bukan tak berusaha, probably not enough or the time hasn't come for me yet. Could it be that Allah is testing me?

16. One of the dreams is to pursue MA. sponsored preferrably. GOT so close. the most bizarre thing about it, the 2 chances that came to me the same time i was heavily pregnant. Went to the interviews with loose shirt for crying out loud. GUESS i scared them off with that image. Why would they want to sponsored married women + new mother to be for MA? too complicated. Or is it fate? takde rezeki ada yang bersuara...entahlah.

17. which brings me to a state of regrets. (walaupun tak baik) why did i settle down in the first place? and then this new responsibility to carry. i broke down. tapi tak sampai meroyan. conclusion= part of baby blues.

18. i won't stop trying. for both shigoto and that benkyo shimasho thingy.

19. i GOT a place. not what i dream of though. nontheless a start to something. I had wanted it quite badly. BUT was so discouraged upon finding out the fee that would cost me an arm and a leg. (kalaupun laku duh!)

20. baru local uni. inilah 'pembunuh' impian manusia seperti aku. yang punya cita-cita,iltizam, semangat,keupayaan otak untuk memperkasakan diri, memperluaskan ilmu tetapi mati setakat itu kerana kekangan DUIT!

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Back Again!

It has been almost 4 months since my last entry..and ever since many happenings took place in my life, my family, my working place and my country. First of all I'm now officially a mother to a 2 months and 11 days old baby girl. Since my delivery, I really wanted to share my horrifying delivery experience. BUT my health didn't permit me to do so. So here goes:

A New Beginnings

Now that I've gone through the process of giving birth, I have a new found respect for all mothers, mine included. My journey to motherhood was a roller-coaster; it started off without me expecting it, then I embraced the fact, enjoyed the full 9 months without a glitch and the path took a climax-the anticipation was overwhelming, did all the preparations and suddenly the plot turned anti-climax, my baby decided to stay a little bit longer in the womb and I was past my due date.

Anxiety was all over me, I broke down. All the excitement of having a baby was gone, I was frustrated and could easily turn myself like an incredible hulk-angry every time anyone posed me the most-hated question to me then " When are you due exactly?" or "Have you given birth?" So frustrated was I, many time I broke down in tears and sometime in angst towards my unborn baby-I jumped, I ran in a futile attempt to fasten the delivery.

Days turn to weeks- the baby still did not want to come out. Pass my due date which was on 15th June, I went to hospital P -fully prepared mentally and physically to give birth- Only to find myself shooed away by the doctors there! Although I was already 2cm dilated, they did not want to take me in-saying there were insufficient beds. BUT that was bull- they simply turned me down because I reckon I was not a P resident, thus they asked me to go to the nearest hospital in my residency. BULL! I, who obviously was not aware with all of the bureaucracy wanted so much to go to that hospital since I was told by a few trusted person, it's the best government hospital one could ask for in Selangor or even in Malaysia. (of course I disagree with this statement soon after that incident)

Seen here like 3 days before given birth. After that humiliating being sent away by ignorant hospital P doctors and was 2cm dilated, I forced myself to take a walk in the park in attempt for a bloody show so I can return to the hospital for delivery

Reluctantly I obeyed. Went home in anger,frustration all mixed to one. Days to me then passed me by too slowly. Filled my days with excessive walking (window shopping mainly) fully determined to get the baby out.BUT she still did not budge. The weekly antenatal check-up was not helping either; though they were equally anxious and some nurses appeared worried, the bloody resident doctor was not! (seriously, I really curse thee) Her consultation to me was impudent in every manner imaginable.

Obviously dissatisfied, I went to a different clinic (not government) and to my surprise, the doctor advised me for an induce labor. He told me,since it's past my due date, the chances of the baby suffocating due the lack of amniotic fluid is higher and through his observation, my baby was pretty much heading that way. Thus, it was best that I to be induced.

Surely you can imagine how worried I was upon hearing that. He later wrote me a referral letter for admission. That night, was a sleepless night for both hubby and I. The baby was finally coming! I was restless, imagination run wild and practically was up the whole night. As planned, the very morning, we headed to hospital P for the very much anticipated birth. Luckily this time around the doctors there didn't turn me down, I was checked thoroughly and they agreed for an induced labor upon the circumstances. Admitted about 3 pm and reality of giving birth slowing starts to kick in. BUT my worries for the first few hours was really about constipation. I knew (from reading) that an hour or so before the whole delivery process starts, the doctors will ask you to expel your bowel content as to avoid any of those getting out while you're pushing the baby. You don't want to have poo poo mistaken for a baby when contraction takes over. And since I haven't poo poo for almost 3 days, I'm so worried that I was unable to do so and risk excreting my waste instead of baby.

And although I've conveyed my worry to the attending nurses, they didn't help me with that until it was almost dangerously late. Got to my bed, unpacked the begs and I don't even get to warmed the bed enough, was surprised when the ward doctor told me I was already 4cm dilated! She literally poked the amniotic sac (though I wasn't aware of that) and told non-nonchalantly that I was on my way to give birth! The next minute, I was bleeding heavily, and soon, everything started to paced up; the nurses tubed an IV, gave me a rectal stimulant to help the constipation and I was on my way to the delivery room.

Since it was my first time at childbirth, was really excited about it all. So much so, some nurses extended their admiration for my casualness regarding the whole ordeal. Of course my smiling, gullible self was no more insight right after they induced me in the labor room. At 6pm, the attending doctors was flabbergasted to found me only 4cm dilated! The stupid thing was, she asked me why was I brought down to the labor room since i'm still far away from giving birth. How was I to know; I'm the sitting duck-I'm the patient-the guinea pig.

At this point I was a sorry ass having thought that this hospital P was 'A' class. I felt helpless. There I was, bleeding between my legs for crying out loud and those ignorant fools could still argue about me not suppose to be induced! Luckily, one of the doctors weren't ignorant enough. She comforted me saying everything will be alright. Explaining that I now really need to be induced since the ward doctor already poked the amniotic sac, they could not wait any longer.

The induce drugs not only introduced me to the real feeling of excruciating contractions (no more braxton hicks, those are nothing!), the drugs really induced pain. Period. Little did I know, I was on a very tough journey in becoming a mother. BUT after 3 hours, that induced drugs that was supposed to force the contractions hence fastening the labor didn't do much justice for me. I was still less than 6cm dilated. Which only means I have more contractions battling hours to fight, more intolerable pain to endure, more risk of baby dying.

A picture of me a few moments after delivery. Tired but certainly glad it all went well and the baby's was fine.

For those of you who aren't mothers, let me guarantee that labor pain is really painful. There's no word best describe the pain really, no wonder it's rated at number 2 on the most painful of pains one human has to go through after sakaratul maut-that is the onset of death. Realising that I was risking endangering myself and the baby, the doctors increase the drugs and those pain I've been describing-intensified tremendously! Finally, I was dilated more and effaced as too ease the labor process.

One common question asked to me after post-partum was "How does it feel to give birth?" Apart from the aforementioned pain, the part when your baby decides to pop-out is really like having one nasty, huge poo poo that refuse to come out. Thus, you have to use all your might to push it out because it's just too discomforting, your abdomen cramps like never before and it's just horrible, right until the baby pops-out! And then it's smooth sailing. At least that was how I felt. Pure relief. All the other part, the parts and parcels of labor such as the cutting-off a little part of your vagina's skin, the sutures of those cuts after, is nothing with what you have to go through in the first place.

BUT of course you'll be given a sedatives, morphines, drugs to ease those pain throughout the process. Mine was gas. I love it. It was my "best-friend" for the whole 8 hours of labor pain! I love it so much that I refused to take it off during suture, that it made me loca! It made me feeling high! And made me saying things, some of it really bad remarks to people around me at that time.

Anyways, there. The whole 8-9 hours of delivery experience all reduced to words here in this blog. BUT nothing, absolutely nothing can compare with the real deal. I can only write it down here for people to read, including myself surely, but in my mind, i can vividly recall the graphics.

The fruit of my labor; my labor pain that is: Nur Raihanna Iman binti Mohd Redzuan. Seen here approximately an hour after birth and she was already smiling for the camera. Clearly she was as glad as her mother was to have been safely delivered onto the real world. I love thee!

Then, there's the horrible post-partum experience which made me stood strong to my convictions that hospital P is indeed such a lousy hospital. And later to my dismay, I learned a fact that hospital P is all known as a training hospital for both doctors and nurses. No wonder almost half of the doctors I saw or met was younger than me. With that age, it would definitely make sense that their still in training or rookie doctors.

Gosh, here's a very lengthy entry of mine. Guess that equally horrible-terrifying-postpartum experience gotta wait for next time. It's almost 4 in the morning, and baby will wake soon for her early breakfast or in this case 'sahur' since it's the holy month of Ramadan now. Will scribble my thoughts later.

PS: more to come; postpartum experience, the slacking off of berpantang period, the wonders of breastfeeding and Back to reality-truly motherhood is like a roller-coaster!

My baby girl: At 2 month's old. Seen here, all smile for the camera eventhough she was feeling a little bit under the weather. Stuffy nose and slight bronchitis.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

It's gonna be a girl, am anticipating..


1. how time flies. like always, been slacking off when it comes to updating my blog. not that i been super busy, just haven't had the urge to sit in front of the laptop and type away my trivial thoughts about life, work or anything non-matter.

2. I'm huge. no, make that SUPER-HUMONGOUS!! and the funny thing is, was always in denial whenever i go for my routine visit to the antenatal check-up. You know, when you're mother to be, your 9 months life of being pregnant will be harassed with this routine; having your weight scaled, HB monitored, pissing your urine in a cup-often hassling with bunch of bloated mommy to be in order to do so in a very uncomfortable smelly toilet (mind you, i am referring to an average governmental local clinic, thus you can imagine the rest)

3. The fretting part undeniably the waiting part! BUT having said that, alhamdulillah, the clinic where i go for my monthly (now every fortnight check-up) PKD Kelana Jaya- is quite efficient if not too sloppy for the bountiful of government clinics. It would usually take up no more than 2 hours for every patient. AND if you're really lucky ( i had experience a few times) the whole process could be as quick as 45-60 minutes.

4. Now that I'm inching my way to 36+ weeks of pregnancy, I can't stop to eat, sleep and rest all the chance i have. However, I realised my food pallate's quite picky this time around. NOT that I would devour just about everything i could get my hands into,BUT quite selective when doing so. I rarely eat rice, but when i crave for it, it must be accompany with an equally craved side dishes a.k.a lauk pauk. Lunch time for me now is no longer a fun thing. I'm so picky that when i do eat what i want, i can't really eat that much.

5. WHICH brings me to another frustrating state of my condition during this final leg of being pregnant. THE food section of my tummy seemed to have shrink-down in size. In Malay, i would refer the scenario as SENGKAK whenever it hits 'FULL TANK'. BUT now, my 'full tank' is cut down to almost 3/4 of what it used to be. SO i eat less in size, but frequently.

6. No matter the fretting may be, the end result still shocks me. I'm still gaining weight excessively during this month and i mean EXCESSIVELY! BEFORE preggy: 55kg. NOW: 70kg!

7. My underpants can either be very small (below the belly and therefore would only cover half of my larrrrge buttocks) OR HUGE, GRANDMA'S PANTIES- that could easily convert to a men's boxer.

8. BUT in all, I am so excited this final month, so much so i've become excessively conscious of any big bargains or sales especially for baby items. NOW that the scan confirmed we're going to have a baby girl insyaAllah, I'm always on the lookout for any girly-girly, pinky-pinky baby item; mittens and booties, rompers, blankets etc. Guess all that consciousness come from the maternal instinct from within.

9. Talking about preparing for the unborn baby to this wild world, I've had pretty much everything covered for my princess insyaAllah. Although,there are a few things that i wish i could have.

- A nursing top/ poncho
Now i reckon it's the 'in' thing to have especially when you're breastfeeding a child. Of which when you do it ain't gonna be a pretty sight for all to see exposing the ugly nipple and swolen breast for a tiny creature to suckle.

- Electric sterellizer and bottle warmer
Again more a want than a real neccessity. Zaman tok nenek dulu takde pun pakai mende ni, anak-anak hidup sihat walafiat. Been eyeing on a few brands and fyi: AVENT is sooo freaking expensive. THEN there's PHILIPS or PUREEN or ANAKKU (less expensive) BUT on average most are priced around RM150-RM200.

BUT being the excited mommy to be i am now, I opted for a 'manual' sterellizer and asked my younger sister to present me and her soon to be born niece the 'bottle warmer' instead. OF course she said OK now, but one can never rely on promises alone (especially when it was uttered from a student aunty like my sister)

THUS, I decided to go for a manual sterellizer (budget) that cost me RM40. ONLY to find myself fretting later when I found out that The Curve's Anakku was and still having a sale and a LITTLEBEAN brand sterillezer and bottle warmer cost RM99 only!!! from a pricey tag of RM199!!!!!!!!!!!!! damn it!!!

Now it's going to be a girl, I'm thinking of a name that starts with 'R'. you know so it'll sync with my husband initial R- redzuan. Back when we thought we're going to have a boy, i wanted to name the baby Mohd Rafayel Mohd Redzuan or Mohd Rayyan Mohd Redzuan. BOTH of which i know doesn't sound much like a typical MALAY name but hey, who cares, it's my baby. the thought of naming the baby Rafayel was ignited due to hubby's fond interest in sports- tennis and soccer.

BUT since it's going to be girl; It's going to be Raihanna. after Rihanna :-) wanted to go for Rihanna but hubby objected the idea, he said it's not arabic. So we opt for Raihan and add the "ana" to make it sound more feminine. Then hubby wants to be fair to me (though i don't mind naming our baby after his initial) but he insist to have a 'NURUL' in front of that Raihanna name.

anyways, i'm not very keen on the idea of having a same first name with my own baby. I mean we can't have 2 NURUL in the same house now can we? :p

So, should it be;

NURUL RAIHANNA IMAN binti mohd redzuan
NUR RAIHANNA IMAN binti mohd redzuan

we'll soon decides when that time comes!!! before 15th JUNE hopefully insyaAllah and not in breech delivery...AMIN!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

To continue or Not To Continue? But one thing for sure, PPSMI continues to be politicalized

"takkan melayu hilang di dunia"

I'm sure most of us can relate to that famous quote from Hang Tuah, the lagendary hero of Malay people. Now, I know most of us in Malaysia, especially the Malays have different opinions on the PPSMI issue. I, as one of the Malays here in Malaysia, have my own set of opinions too. And here is my two cents on the matter..

1. I am a Malay. Was, is and forever will be. I feel that the implementation of teaching Maths and Science in English is a good start in shaping a more globalized Malays, the ultra-Malay. Malays with the finest attributes that surpasses the ordinary standards of Malays.

2. Some lot, Pejuang Bahasa or the so-called Malay-warriors oppose the idea of PPSMI. They argue if the government continues PPSMI, it will eradicate the usage of Bahasa Melayu, the Malay language. Translatation: A total massacre of Malay supremacy.

3. Now what I just don't get, why are we against such good thing? Whether we, Malays, like or not, English language is THE LANGUAGE OF THE WORLD. now, some lot argues PPSMI only benefits those urban malays but doesn't do justice to the rural malay kids. I beg to differ on this. Any language, if one wants to master have to be taught at an early age. Now if our kids starts to familiarize the usage of English in critical subjects like Maths and Science, I reckon they will learn more and be better equip with the language as they grow up. Familiarize and practice; from kiddy age. As kids are like sponge, the just absorb knowledge quickly. Even the Malay have a phrase for this, "melentur buluh biar dari rebungnya"

4. I don't have kids. But I do have nieces and nephews that are still young and part of the PPSMI cohort. They are just doing fine. In fact, i kept asking them if they find the subjects difficult. They said no. Infact, they say enjoy it. And my nieces and nephews are so comfortable with language, depa cakap lagi berabuk omputeh than me.

5. I feel it doesn't make us Malays any less Malay if we learn other language. We should instead be more pragmatic on this issues. Do look at PPSMI on a different light. A good positive light.

6. Statistics does show that Malay graduates are the ones who make up most numbers of unemployment. The sad part is, most don't get employed not because of lack of credentials but FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE IN ENGLISH. And when i say failure, i don't refer to Shakespearean type of English, just normal everyday usage of that language. they (most) can even construct a simple english sentence and don't even get me started on the lack of vocabulary..

Saturday, January 10, 2009

From KL-Guatemala: The world condemn Israelis!

It has been more than 2 weeks than since the bombardment of Israelis onto Gaza, And the bloodshed continues with death tolls accounting to 800 souls and more..Now, like most Muslim in the world, I share deeply the heartbreak of the Palestinian people and condemns the aggression of the Zionis on them. I fret about writing my feelings though since the attacks until now, because I feel my sentiments won't change anything, won't stop the massacre and so does the angst pouring from muslims around the world. I feel helpless..BUT everytime I watch the news and look at pictures of those limbs and parents gone due to the bombings of Tel Aviv, i shivered..not in fear, but in utter hatred and fury towards the ISRAELIS.

Now, what disgust me the most, in sheer desperation, some marched in peacefull congregation to voice out their disappointments simply because of the complete political failure of world leaders; especially the diysfunctional UN and the chicken-shit Arab League Leaders. The laknatullah Israelis clearly violates humantarian law by continuing air and ground attacks when they were clearly warned not to. All for absurdity: eliminating Hamas militants!

BUT here's a fact: UN on 9th of January released a therall investigation of the bombardment on Al-Jabaliya UN school which took the lives of more than 100 civillians including UN staff. There were no Hamas militant killed or involved during the bombardment either by taking shelter in the school compound or masquerading as civilian. So why, did you ISRAEL have to bomb that school? what possible inhuman act can kids and women who were taking shelter in the school play in this one-sided war??

So what is left with us then? what choice do we have to help the Palestinian people? Will you be willing to take up a gun, a snipper and go to war in the name of jihad? will you leave your worldly belongings, family and loved ones to have a fighting role in the war? I'm pretty sure most will say NO! i know i will have to say no..i'm just not capable and brave enough for jihad. at least I'm honest to admit this. And so, what else can we, Malaysians, Indonesians (just to name a few) do to help?

Boycotting US & Israelis goods??? perhaps..BUT let's be realistic; how many of y'll out there really can leave without your beloved LEVI'S, your DIET COKE, that yummy McDONALD burger,that wonderful STARBUCKS moccha...and the list continues for Big boycott campaign click here

BUT having said that i applaud at those who really can pull it off. My deep respect for those who goes for jihad in the name of freeing the Palestinian people. BUT most, i say MOST, just jumps in the bandwagon not knowing for real what the real deal is. I say this with disgust at those who marched and yell the anti-zionis slogan on the streets BUT still wears LEVI'S, still eat and sleeps McDONALD & BURGER KING! talk about walk the walk and talk the talk people. and everyday of the occupation goes by, you see more and more people sending in press invitations, sucking all the attention needed, wrapping themselves with Palestinian scarfs and trotting with hate banners and placard of BUSH...and for what really? just for a cheap publicity that says, "hey,look at me y'll i support the palestinian and i'm here for a show, do vote for me in the upcoming kampung election, committee ABC election yada yada yada..."this what irks me most!

the best way i think, is to keep praying to Allah, sedekah your Al-Fatihah that our brothers and sisters will be freed from the atrocities they're facing now. AMIN! to the rest, stop being TOO DAMN EMOTIONAL and starts being REALISTIC. and this goes to the leaders as well. you want to help? donate to PALESTINIAN RELIEF FUND! you want to help? let's all be united, all the ARAB WORLD and BOMB TEL AVIV!! now that's WAR!!!!!!!!!