Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Irony, Agony and Mo-money?

As always..this blog has been left to "dust" for quite awhile now. Yes, i know this so much reflects on my personality in a way that is- a slacker..no? procrastinator? Every night before i go to bed, i would always have a 'replay' of some sort of my life, as well as 'forecast' of it. you know the aspirations, inspirations and yes, the regrets.

Simply put, my life is not that interesting anyway for me to keep updating this blog for the world to see ( as if that is the case - note: the world to see). BUT again, who cares if there is no one else but me reading this blog, it is after all intended for my view, recollections & self-gratification (note: narcissistic)

Ah, well. Life is pretty mundane and very um..routinic. And no, not for my benefits, rather is all about my daughter's life now. I live and breath Nur Raihanna Iman , that soon to turn 2 next month! I wake up by her side (most of the time, as i have been sleeping on the couch lately due to my 'stubbornness' to have some "me time" a.k.a. catching on repeat shows such as Masterchef (and Jr series too), American Next Top Model, Fashion Police, E-True Hollywood Story, The Family Guy (yes me love it) ..oh well basically everrrything on the E channel makes it to my daily 'graveyard hours' tuning.

Yes sordid, when i should have spent those quality times (i assume it is my standard of 'quality' time as i am very much 'active' during those hours- heck i could (and have been doing so) do labour intensive cleaning chores at that time.

Why am i such a "nocturnal" type? I pretty much 'blame' that trait to all those years enriching and learning about worldy theories of mass communication & media related studies years. Yes, i started to 'learned' doing stay-ups a.k.a. burning midnight oil during my undergrad years as mass communication student.

That aside, i reckon i just have to be at least a little 'selfish' to have a few 4 hours of pure self-absorption in front of the telly with no distraction from my little daughter.

Am i selfish for that? I think not, considering the rest of the hours of the day i spend it on my little girl and had to sacrifice my own priority at this point in my life which is - PROGRESSING ON MY THESIS!

Whenever i think of this, i could not help but to reminisce the experiences that my siblings (especially the sisters) in relation to having help for caring their kid in the crucial first 3 years of their kids' life. They all had one thing in common- our parents 'intervention' and first class help!

Yes, i cringe on the fact that i could not have that 'luxury' with my parents though i still 'help' them regardless in terms of committing myself for monthly 'monetary contribution'.

Of course they aforementioned would never agree with me that they had the easy way out on this matter. Instead they would probably said "where got that much help?" or "no i have never done so.." etc. Well there are many pictures for evidence to dismiss their claim i'd say or even more credible evidences- our parents' testimonies that they were the one who had or 'asked' to 'intervened' for their grandchild upbringing.

Ah well, i guess i am just unlucky. Just as i was 'unlucky' to miss out on big bonuses that my ex-company had to offer this year (note: left the job last year).

BUT one bird said to me once, you must always count your blessings. In that light, with everything that i seem to be 'missing out', i am gaining others. Gain 1) chance of furthering my postgrad studies -sponsored, gain 2) in relation to gain 1, i will (insyaAllah) hope to have a lecturing career, gain 3) as i am technically 'jobless', i got more time with my daughter and as mentioned above, with my parents unable to 'intervene' - i have myself to rely on regarding caring and nursing for my kid, gain 4 and encounting) up to Allah's discretion.....

for that i shall scribble on with my 'gains' progresses:-

A) Daughter
Inching her way to year 2 mark, of course i am all excited as to what will be the perfect way to celebrate her upcoming birthday. For last year, we had a small but merry 'kenduri' / party- started it off with praises to Allah and duas, eat lunch and little 'fun time' involving family members and the birthday girl. So this year, naturally, i am wishing to give my beloved daughter something more interesting for her to enjoy. Of course, if only money is of no obstacle to me, i'd give the worldly birthday bash for her, but since it is not- little budgeting will have to do and that cuts down the options for a few mediocre, typical fast-food joints foods for her OR scout for value for money type of playgyms (since One Utama's kids zone is temporarily out of operation) OR back to the safest bet of all- homemade birthday bash (only issue with this, we cannot have it done at mom's kelana jaya home anymore as it is not mom's anymore...:((....i mean for now though mom still lives there but under the circumstances it would feel so awkward and ironic to have a party that we all know have solemn feel to underneath it all, which will leave me with having it at our own home in saujana utama - which means it is far from most acquaintances/friends that the possibilities of any guests showing themselves will be greatly reduced to ..none! )

B) MA student's life
So as scheduled, i have finished all my coursework subjects. ( all 5 of them ) now awaiting for the results *coughs* which i reckon not will be what i dreamed off, but hopefully sufficient to get me pass the coursework hurdles (Amen). If that does not happen, i am really lost as to what will i have to do next. :(( although the semester this year been re-scheduled ( postgrad now enjoys a long 5 months of break!! ) i do not think my scholarship will be 'extended' as well...:(( . And with that, i have approximately 6 short months to complete my thesis and if i ever can afford for an extension, i could only bare a one month's cost of extension (having to force my husband to take care of me financially) ...now with that notion, i could not help to think of finding my 'safety net', you know to prepare myself for the worst. the only way is- finding myself a day job! i do not need fancy ones though but must be able to cover all the costs of me getting to work without the need to 'touch' the already tight scholarship budget. AND if that is the case, i just have to find a nanny/help/daycare for my girl.

C) Marriage
This whole issue of 'i have to take care of our baby most of the time and not you', is really beginning to 'eat' its way into my relationship with the husband, i feel. I mean, here i am having to take over the tasks as homemaker/nanny/maid/wife that runs without 'vacation' and according to the little girl's hours, while husband goes to work to bring the bread back home. And when he does get home, he would want his magical 'me time' that is quite impossible to get because our girl just could not resist him and for that i will always be 'released' from her attention and i would then be the one 'relaxing' while he does not. SO, naturally he will pouts (figuratively) at this, and whines about how hard he has been working and in need of his time too. BUT. BUT it is not like he have a CHOICE just like i DO NOT have CHOICE to not say "no, raihanna..today you have to take care of yourself" ..so he have to be fair in this, i feel ..but most of the time, just as he claims i am whining, he is whining himself too about having to babysit our little girl. I could be selfish just as he is being 'selfish' whenever he gets to go to work and have 'his time' centered to himself and ...work whenever his off days were, BUT BUT i never did. So in the end, most of our 'at first starts as a decent, mature discussions of parenting feelings will more often than not ends in spat/sulk/rage of i have been doing more-you do not-debate'..........:(( yes it is not healthy for our marriage. BUT again, perhaps this is one of the bumps in the life-long ride of matrimony. And also perhaps, because husband is not familiar with baby-related-issues and the fact as he has divorced parents and having raised by aunts & grandparents with lack of love,cuddle, and attention throughout..made him somewhat 'hollow' inside everytime i speak of the hardships as housewife (since he has never seen how hard it is a wife has to take of a household or young souls for that matter)..i mean, do not get me wrong, i am not saying that he does not love his child (he definitely loves the child more than he does his wife at this point!) BUT he is really short-tempered when it comes to handling little kiddo's tantrums i.e. the whinings, cryings, attention seeking pouts etc. not to mention, he has NEVER really took care our baby the way i have to for a consecutive days..

CONCLUSION: much of the irony my pursuit of happiness, i have to undergo so much agony and pain, while i am not craving for empathy from friends or families i do long for my husband's understandings at this point of my life of which i find it all too lacking and he seems not wanting to discuss or burden anything about my main concern now : having to take care of my child and get my studies done a.s.a.p. ....i am just tired with all this ..:(( i am so ready to call it quits and find myself a job ...perhaps a career in academia will only be a dream that was too near but yet still very far to reach. Oh Allah please show me the way.