Thursday, April 14, 2011

I Promise Not To Whine..

Salam.

I used to be one of those skeptics that think being a mom is an easy job. I mean, how hard can it be caring for a kid (i decided on this based on my experience nannying 5 nieces and nephews at young age).

Fastforward, at 29 years of age, i learned the bitter truth about parenting- it is nothing short of hardwork, headaches and heartbreaks. Mommyhood is pure roller-coaster feelings- it is all mixed to one; at times you feel blessed upon seeing your bundle of joy's life progress-from teething, crawling, running, talking etc; then there are other times when you feel all flat on your face, super-pressured to be this strong image of a good mom/dad-nursing, caring at all costs at anytime of the day without complaining or whining...

What i learned most about being a mom at quite a young age (considering how so-called modern women these days feel about marriage & career)- is that i have to sacrifice alot on my freedom as an individual.

Gone were the days i could wake up anytime i please (well i must confess, lately i did this sort of thing..of course in between being awake and sleepy- i veggied myself out either on my couch or bed till before noon with my daughter waiting patiently for her mommy to stand on her two feet and bath/feed her..such a good girl), do whatever i want at my whimp, go wherever i feel like going, buy nonsensical things on impulse....just have things done the way i like it to be.

NOW, it is about what should i get for my daughter first, if i go to any restaurant, the menu to look for is something i could share with the toddler-nothing fancy/spicy/oily; finding a place for family leisure-do they have a playground, kid's changing room, is the place toddler-friendly in a sense is it big enough for my daughter's oversize pram to manuever, do they have kid's high chair etc.- just some of things that i'd definitely consider before even venturing out and making plans for the day.

As if being a mommy was not demanding enough, i made a decision to quit my already complacent/doing-well job (was climbing the ladder of success, well on the verge of climbing...) for an even crazier, hectic life as full-time postgrad student + mom.

I thought then, 'sure, i can pull this off' or 'yes, i foresee it to be fulled with hurdles+hiccups+shits+rainbows, but i will SURVIVE, no problem, determination is the key'....

..........now inching to a year as full-time student and on ending my second semester - i am having second thoughts..all that 'i am a superwoman, ms independent, girl power' senses in me...slowly vapourizing/diminishing into thin air and untraceable.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ouch! reality bites me on the ARSE like big time babeh.....and it hurts with no sufficient words to describe the pain.

SIGH. i do not know if this is something more than i thought i could take. it surely beginning to feel like it. I am slowly losing focus- first the dream of undergrad redemption gone down the drain; even worse i am doing far humiliating than i did in my undergrads and if this rate continues= equally gone the chance to take phd outside of malaysian boarderlines. Secondly, not only i was bold and focus when starting out to make this work in less than 2 years, but now under the circumstances, i'd probably risking to push my graduation date even further than planned.

+++++++++++++++++++++++SLappppppppppppppppppEDDDD myself on the face.

NO,NO, NO...i am not whining. NO,NO,NO i am not weak. Truth is, too many happenings in my life insofar causing me 'derailed' from the tracks to glory. And it is just so sad..really. Not only the fact i started student life with a toddler as my extra baggage already causing my first handicap-i do not have help in this crucial years of the studies, makes it more discouraging (2 indonesian maids i had in less than 2 years, became nothing but history of my life now..as they 'took-off' without notice). I did try one of those nurseries thingy, but did not like the fact is causing my daughter's health in ups&downs- the worse being, daughter was sick from flu+coughs for more than a month.

To top it off, dad who has always been the 'stronger and healthier' parent as opposed to mom, undergo a surgery at the end of last year and have since caused change his life; now i do not have one parent (mom) that is sick and need attention, but dad who had always been the one looking out for mom, also required attention as he too is not well. As if that is not enough, my parents is losing the only property they have, subsequently a lost to all of us-to me especially as that house is the same age with me and for the past 29 years-all memories were drawn from that place.

Adding more pressure for this- i feel that i am one of the two last carrier of hopes of my parents to help them out as other siblings at this point of their life could not do much (they have their own battles to fight) and the fact i am not working when i should be (i feel given the circumstances) i could /must help with whatever i have (which unfortunately i do not have much...)

++++++++++++++

so tell me, if there is one person out there who could go/have gone through everything given the same if not worst conditions than i do- i really must speak to that person or at least learned her/his tricks of survival under extreme social pressures- because at this point in life, i feel i am for the gezillion times since all hell break loose- on the verge of emotional break down and quitting seems to be the only way out.....:((

amidst all this challenges- one frustration to the next keeps haunting me down- one of it being that everytime it seems i have put an extra effort to studying, the results did not turn out the way i anticipated it would be (mind you i do not, have never put too much hope, but pass mediocre line essentially what my goals has always been) but..but...after 2 papers i think it is confirmed - early revision, concentrated work, hardworking, full references, will not do me much justic, since all my laidback, last minute study, choppy, sloppy work have got me better grades than those i put my back to it. such irony in my sordid life, and this i promise is no whining, just mere scribbling of my study idiosyncracies.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Pain Pain GO Away, Never Come Back Any Day.

Salam.

OK, so if the title sound quite familiar to you, perhaps you have heard the original version of "rain rain go away come back another day" song although the issue of rain could well be incorporated in this thread (note: it has been raining cats and dogs for 2 days where i am living and that people aint that good for laundry)

PAIN. the word itself is painful to begin with. Am sure all of us have come across with some kind of painful experiences both physical and emotional, of which the latter i reckon more dramatic and unpredictable.

While i have many emotional pains ranging from personal to communal related matter, what concern me now is this physical pain i am in and need to deal with superfast. But before that, i must confess, i am never been that person with best health, was never athletic (except in my primary years-which i believe the only time in my life i remember running around school compound, or actively engage in running, screaming activities then after puberty everything changed..)..you get the idea, i was never a superfit person. Now fastforward, i am still NOT a fit person.

In fact, i'd dare to confess i am in neglicting my health more these days than i ever used to, i let them go uncheck. the last time i had my health checked was more than 6 months ago (even then was purely for the sake of filling in the requirements for MA and my scholarship)

In my mind, i am fully aware of the need to be health, if not rosy-pink, over the top , muscularly-six-packed abs (albeith no harm of having them, if only i could)...but i never manifest those ideas in real life (because i do often dreams of having sexy abs with 25 inch waist, strutting in skinny levis...) but no, the waistline keeps expanding day by day with the weight numbering heavier than i ever been. BUT no, this isnt about weight issue or sexy abs. this is about muscle pains and sprained joints. YES. sprained ankles and thumbs! and if it is not sheer coincidence, my body must have had 'wished' for it to happened because first i sprained the right thumb and after approximately 3 years, i sprained my right ankle- like as if the whole right-side body had a deal or something.
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SO first the thumb. WTF? thumb? surely you have not heard that as often as sprained ankle havent you? BUT just as its nomenclature - 'skiers thumb' because its prevelance in skiing injury- I DID got this thumb of mine injured because of SKIING! well, SNOWBOARDING to be exact. YES, i got the skiers thumb injury right from the snow covered mountain itself.in NAGANO, Japan to be precise.


The whole ordeal was painful and hillarious at one point ( i even laughed at myself, of course later the laughs turned to tears) not to mention, humiliation and disappointment.WHY? because there i was, for the first time in my life, having the chance to skii/snowboard and forked out money that i dont have much for the experience, spent long-bum-numbing hours of bus drive from tokyo to nagano-all excited, all pumped up..you know i was like a kid in the choco land-grinning from ear to ear, with video camera recording everything and anything (including my snow covered shoes) .........



Above: My two happy feet...before hell broke loose for me and my thumb never be the same again.


SIGH. gosh reminiscing it back......it is hard....i have blogged about this humiliating, painful experience...and to be writing it again here, with this throbbing pain in that particular thumb is...painful.


anyways, looking back, the 'above-force' was already trying to tell me, to better watch out and be careful or something terrible will happen. I mean, it was bad vibes right from claiming the rental skii gears, to video camera malfunction, no help from friend to lock the snowboards to ultimately the FALL that almost cause my thumb! (the fresh from accident thumb picture cannot be shown here as i have it stored in some cds in some box..)


Cut long story short- i fell with both my palms opened wide and that is the basic MAJOR rule of no-no if you ever fall while skiing, because it is so dangerous that it could break your thumb(s). Ironically, before falling to my palms, i had been warned by a friend about that basic rule it was like minutes before the accident and i vividly recall before it- i was on top of this mountain slope (numbered as slope 2-second most exciting/dangerous slopes in the vicinity), and i was so damn excited of making it there (after brief 'practice' on 'junior' slope)- right before taking the plunge to my almost broken thumb, i triumphantly stood without assistance for the first time with ease (of course was damn proud about this-note: snowboarding is more difficult to first timers to stand on their feet as compared with skiing because the legs are locked down to the board and any unplanned slip could spell disaster)...BUT that was it, my 5 second standings tall atop the mountain slope, taking in the beautiful all-white scenary and i made the move of my life, snowboarded for another 5 seconds and MAYDAY...disaster took over, i lost balanced and was flat on my face the next minute with a swollen thumb! It was so bad, i had to take out my gloves because the thumb could not fit anymore in it and the biting -25 degrees temperature was not doing much help to the injured finger.


The accident made me a sordid by-stander to all exciting snow activities from the whole afternoon till the end of the trip. By the time i got back to tokyo, i know i was in a terrible situation because the pain did not subside after weeks, i lost the sense to grip things, i could not write and if i did push it, it would cause my world of pain. It was that bad, sure friends told me to see a doctor, but being a pauper student abroad in alien world- i just could not afford it. i mean i would be thinking gezillion times if i was in malaysia where medical fees are still tolerable- but in tokyo? i just had to suck it all in until i get back- and that was just the thing i did. SUCKED IT IN...


fast-forward.....it took me years to overcome the phobia of my sprained thumb, and never did resume back to my little habit of 'cracking my knuckles until it made popped sound' to this day. i am so scared and worried i might broken the already injured thumb (of course i still do that habit with the other fingers exception only apply to my right thumb)


and just after i thought that injured thumb already healed at least tendonly, it made its haunting comeback this past few weeks and getting painful since 2 days ago! i reckon i must have pressured it so bad with all the housework (note: i DO clean the house on a regular basis despite my parents and siblings claim that i am lazy bone-because i like it specking clean to ensure it is lizards-free or lizards-less-zone as i am terrified with that creature!yuuck)


I just so want this thumb to be restored back to its normal state and having this pain make me realise how much worth any of our body parts to us. i mean i am a right-handed person, and any injuries that would cost less efficiency with that limb, will cause me a great deal of hopelessness.


Now with this aching thumb, i could not lift anything without having myself screaming 'ouch' and sometime even caused me teary eyed. and being a wimpy wuss like in front of my toddler does not earn much sympathy from her instead she will scream herself back in my face and say "tak payahhhh" or "tak nakkkk" ....and what irony is this, now i have this pain back in the thumb back in my life when i have no medical benefits to cover the costs as i am again a student, a pauper student that lives out of the mercy of certain financial staffs' efficiency to do the audit and paper work ensuring the scholarships payment be made on time every 3 months!


Sordid me. again.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Updates Uolss!

Salam..

Ahah. Again the procrastinator is here. and this entry will not be procrastinated anymore. REASON for not updating: Other than being occupied with fulltime mommyhood, of course assignments and classes made it to my whining-cursing-oh-why-i-have-no-time-for-myself-list. Not that i am officially a free bird now (well almost for this sem at least, 50% there..) but all major homeworks have been handed in, and what is left to face in my MA battle is final exam that is up in less than 3 weeks! However, i am in no way free, just somewhat, 'release' from any major headaches for now..

OK. who am i kidding. The postgrad stress will always be there until...i am a graduate. With less than a year to go before my scholarship runs out, I have yet made any real progress with my dissertation.

At this point, i am really regretting the fact i took what i took for that matter. Solely because i am binded to a certain requirement for my dissertation- category predetermined, of which is totally out of context with what has been taught to me throughout this entire course. NOW, if i was just like any other students, I have NO problem concocting a subject matter for dissertation.

NO, not being cocky. Just pure realist. Because i have done all the coursework, I am familiar with the concepts and theories regarding the coursework, so technically i could cook up something if i want just to fill the bill for a scroll.

BUT that is not the case for me. I cannot just do anything. Even worse i have to do something off-the-tracks totally. NOW if that does not make any other sane person even stressful, i dont know what will. Doing something that you have not got the chance to familiarise with. That you have not studied. Seriously, it is tough.

HOWEVER, being a fighter (yes, such contradiction- i am a whiner as well as a fighter) i DO have an idea of what i COULD do. just that, because the department i am in, is not related with what i have to do, as such there are no or lack of experts in that particular field, i could only ask for suggestion from some lecturers i know of only to be quite disappointed because they themselves are not well-versed in the matter- as such only could give very basic rules and guidance. OK probably i have not found the right person, but..until i do, this feelings of being lost and confuse will be lingering on for some time.

YADAYAYDAYAYDAYAYDAYADA...bluerghh. gosh, even writing them out (angst over not-making any real progress with my dissertation) exhaust me! OK gotta stop.

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SOOOOO, what is new? Tettttttttttt..NOTHING. ahah. again sordid details about to be poured out on www. screw that. onto something more gay and cherry.

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MALAYSIAN POLITICS? getting too controversial and almost circus-like with dirty exposure and accusations, name-callings, drama drama drama....from one detail to another, and in between, whattt another death incidents implicating something so familiar? suicide or homocide? for now, dont speculate, dont decide, i'd say and personally i dont care.

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LOCAL ENTERTAINMENT? another so-called most grandeur award show held in the all too familiar location. vain place for a taste of celebs life, feeling all too glamourous and hollywood wannabes. again personally, felt nauseating and wanting to vomit at the sights of them feeling oh-f-it- i-m- a- shtar, with shimmering dress and dying to broadcast their sponsors name any chance they had, hence the cliche brainless chitchats while on podium announcing the nominees and winners "apa khabar?", "bangga saya berdiri sebelah si jelita/jambu/kacak", "cantik baju", "wow, awak nampak lawa", "apa projek baru" and the cliche brainless chitchats continue..*vomit* I would rather watch HBO or my japanese drama DVDs than tuning to that channel, BUT en suami wanted to watch them saying, "come on mami, support malaysia la" again, *vomit* this aint about supporting malaysian entertainment industry, if i dont watch it does not make less patriotic about the industry, it is after all 'most popular' this and that categories on the basis of so-called solely fans vote. *vomit* with one particular name withdraw from the show, truly made way for others to stand a chance to win. BUT again, i dont think at all those who won, truly manifest the best in the industries. nonetheless, i dont really have anything against those who won, really not my business- except one name of which i think *vomit* dont deserve the trophy because having seen her in close proximity because i used to work under the same rooftop, i dont think she is all she appears to be in the public, except being one dubious, conniving, magnificent actress. *vomit again*

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oh little something on raja lawak. now in a grandeur season-maharaja lawak, where all the top-3 finalists compete for a grand prize RM300k in cash!!!! wow. that is some money man. i wish i could have that.....oh man, i do wish winning cash money anytime. haha. so anyways,the show is now in its second week, with ac mizal as host and so-called 'experience' and 'credible' faces of the industry as juries...except Apek, i think the other two are not comedian and the basis of why they are chosen is debatable. that aside, i thought performances to watch out for and worth the time are that of jozan, nabil, sepah and balas! i bet jozan, sepah and nabil will be the top 3 BUT knowing it is not completely a REALITY show with decision PURELY made on the votes cast by fans (come on .. with astro or any tv shows for that matter, nothing is real real and transparent anytime they put on a show with fans voting system in it..there tend to be manipulation or special prior decisions made) - i make this claims based on 3 apparent reason:

1) no verification nor authentication as to the real numbers contributing the participants' percentages. I mean, they say so an so wins with so and so percentage, BUT who can confirm for real if those numbers are true or even existed! Nor there is no auditors like in juara lagu (just to cite an example) to emits credibility to the numbers of votes. Also, there has never been an explanation of how many thousands of people that voted that made up that particular percentage (in comparison with American Idols or even ABPBH)

2) look at how they so-called 'open' the voting lines in every show. they so called 'open' it right after the show starts and 'end' it just after the last act done doing their thing. I mean, in one way, it could be translated as suicidal if there are people (excludes those die-hard fans that would vote regardless the performances of their interest) who would vote accordingly, those 'on-the-fence-voters'..and say the last act really did crack them up and they want to cast their votes but cannot do so because the line is immediately close after the act finishes the sketch. what idiocy is that? is astro wants to appear unsuspicious, they should at least break for a commercial before resuming the show and announce the line is officially close, or why dont you go all capitalism- open it throughout the whole week and ends it just 10 mins before the show ends every friday.

3) look at last season winners. balas has been on the top of the list with 40%-50% majority, leaving their comrades with a mere 5%-15%, and yet in the finale, they dropped to third place! just like suddenly, kepooff..there goes the 1st prize dream. conspiracy indeed. the same scenarios with other fans-voting shows with the company...and confirmed by insiders, that winners are predetermined and favouritism do exist!

that is why, though i would not mind charging my bills voting for my favourite acts, i would not do so ...not until i am convinced those money i spent really did make a contribution to the participants either increasing/decreasing their winning chance.