Monday, October 31, 2011

Alhamdulillah, Praise Allah..

My dad gave a 'slap' of reality today.

That I should count myself lucky and be more responsible and honest toward fulfilling my duty as a fully sponsored student and not procrastinate and make excuses (although there are founded reasons - but actually turning those hurdles in life as challenges instead of wallowing in self pity).

As such I made it a point (again) in my life to come to the library everyday to work and not delay anything much more.

NOW this daily library visit as a routine - is something that i have actually enjoyed doing since embarking this academia life of mine; but lately well..for 3 months of constant slacking - this 're-visit' made me reaffirms my 'faith' - that i do belong this way.

THIS IS ME. with my trusted backpack, hours in front of my dedicated laptop, books/journals on the table, do not need to care much about what i wear, what my shoes are, how i styled my hijab - this is MY WORLD - where you are not judge by your physical appearances but only your ideas and minds are your value.

That 1 month of my so-called "comeback" to my old place - made me realized that i have never enjoyed the corporation, reaffirms my stand about their work practices - that unspoken slogan "permata diangkat, kaca biarkan" ("diamonds" indispensable while "glasses" are replaceable) [by diamonds = those good looking people with so-called potential and so-called 'broadcast' type, while glasses = those behind the scenes minions deemed unworthy for airtime and such must remained sidelined] <<---- this unspoken slogan is not something i made of, is not reflection of my opinion rather it is the exact phrase given to me by somebody that holds a higher ranking position in the corporation albeit that person confirmed against his ideals too but have to abide because it is work slogan, you know.

BUT don't get me wrong, my detestation is only against this particular corporation's way of categorizing its human capital, how the discrimination being played out..i am never in any way criticizing the career - for me the media world flows in my veins - it is a passion, an interest that i inherited from my dad that used to work in a radio and tv station. I grow up watching how camera works, lives behind the scene, the scripts, the make-up, the talent scouting, the shots...everything there is to know about broadcasting world - i grew up with that. i enjoyed that. hence the 'ditching' one university in an English Literature course for UiTM for media studies. I spent my early adulthood enriching myself in media studies, i learned to work in graveyard hours during my course of media studies - i breathe and live all things media - editing, sounds, pictures...that is my passion. that is what i enjoyed most and that were the cause that brought me my first job.

For that- all the years in that old place of mine from 2006 - i have nothing but gratitude. I love the people, i love the work loads, i love the challenges, i love the pressures and i have lived it up to it all.

Quitting last 2010 was not an easy decision. I knew at one hand i love everything i wrote in the previous paragraphs , but on the other hand,i have this one major opportunity that doesn't come easily nor cheaply.

That is why, i wanted to 'comeback' to my old self although i never wanted to go back to that old place especially not the 'studio' department - a department deemed worst in terms of workloads,facilities,hours,budget etc. Boy, but i went to it anyways.

And now, i know that i have to make whatever i have at hands to work. THIS, THIS ACADEMIA LIFE gotta work, though sounds very intimidating (i am so freaking out about it really) BUT ALLAH knows best.

Most of the times what we think we would be great at, enjoyed most isn't something necessarily good for us. My 'comeback' is a proof to this. I didn't like one bit. And now i am reassuming my 'role' and routine to the library - i had the relief feeling, coming in to the library, went to check-in for personal study room - i felt as if a boulder have been lifted off my shoulders.

Alhamdulillah, I'm happy. InsyaAllah i will win this fight. I have to be stronger than i have ever been. Allah bless me please, show me the way, guide me for the one true career in my life. Amin.

Friday, October 21, 2011

I have my reasons, i quit!

one thing for sure, i am quite an indecisive person. also, i am kind of person who cannot lie in a fashion often termed as 'white lies' especially when face-to-face (as such i'd usually would (if needs to be) lie without eye-contact or via the phone or writings.

another thing about me - i have acute migraine this past of late. the headaches are more often, stays longer once it decides to be on me head and aches more severely.

As such, i hate to have things messing me head/mind causing the unnecessary stress.

...i have got so many things already on me plate, equally many shits am going through and have gone through and will go through i reckon, so it is only wiser for me to lessen any possible shits en route my life on becoming a graduate.

BUT i would not lie when i said, me decision of going back to work at me old place although a different department was a HUGE MISTAKE!!

despite my clear conscience and instinct, i'd still went for it only to find i was in a way manipulated by that place from the get-go...

..not only i was asked to work on a terribly short notice, i came in on my so-called first day without having actually agreed to it - was asked to sign in and everything and they didn't show me any contract despite me asking for it..(of course being a jelly-me, i wasn't that firm needless to say)

...i knew in my hearts that they were giving me a LC abbrev. for Legal Contract (more like Lousy Contract or Loser's Contract!) - this people, is the most inhumane not to mentioned illegal by the standards of both International and Local Labour Laws - it denies every bit of benefits and social workers rights & welfare.

.......BUT i'd still keep me fingers crossed you know, hoping that they are not that inhumane as i am not a fresh-grad and have had working (relevant, mind you) experiences to be bullied in such a way......

BOY was i wrong. only on me 4th day i've mustered the courage to asked the person in charge (because i've asked that said person before (much in terms of innuendos - didn't think that person could have been so innocent in innuendos lingo)

ANYWAYS, let's just say, i've had the intention of leaving from the first week already - the mortification, humiliation were intolerable for my taking - everything about it - from the working atmosphere, the facilities, the employment...screams utter degradation.

BUT, i wasn't keen to leave it all just because of that - at least not after what i have 'invested' upon starting the shigoto - the new shoes to so-called befitting of a tv journalist image in accordance to the kashain's standards (if there is any).

SURELY if any of you reading, would think that i am nothing more but a whiner to say such things ..but i bet you'll have a different opinion about me when i say that the place already belittling me right from the interviewing stage :-

humiliation 1) asked to gave copy of effin' SPM results
humiliation 2) one of the interviewer were shocked to his eyeballs to learned that i went to Sri Aman Girls High School - his exact words was "you don't look like one sri amanian gal , you look kampong (village) girl that's what you look like" - and this he kept repeating over and over like in utter disbelief that I never had anywhere else in this world except Petaling Jaya as my home (hence the first humiliation i reckon - you know as proof i was a Sri Aman girl)

.............i mean, have you ever met such shallow minded people like that? since when did it ever matter what high school you went to or whether you're so-called town girl or suburban/village one to get a job? what was worst that interviewer was not so much of a town boy himself - he was from the east coast (reputedly viewed as kampong by malaysian's social standards) and even when he talks, he still wears the village's accent!

At that point, i knew that that place was all wrong for me - really against my gut feelings.

BUT i persevered. I stayed. I am concerned about what little good name i have had in my past experiences relating to that company and of my husband's - as such i wanted to keep that good name...

HOWEVER, like i said - as if everything is set against me - from the get-go, everything doesn't seem to be working out for me....to add insult to injury, the job scope was widen for me - the worst of all -shift hours. something that i never wanted . i mean, this is what i meant by 'manipulated'. if only during the interviewing stage they have told me straight up that i was going to be 'pull' for extra shows including shifts one - i would have make my stand!

you see i was not looking for something of a lifetime ..or maybe if i was, i surely don't want to start all over from scratch at the same company facing the same ridicule that i have survived last 5 years to become what i had left it to be...starting over as if i was a fresh grad was a RIDICULE. i left my position as acting producer en-route of permanent position, a senior in my office - you know i have enjoyed that 'small privileges' - but going back to serve as LC while there is a less experienced chap gotten himself a better employment contract and when asked on what merit he was awarded that...the answer given was clearly an insult to my intellegence - "oh he got that better place (than you) because he has 2 years of experiences (in another station)" : in all civility, i tried calming my raving minds although my mouth wanted to shout back at that person and said in bold sentences " but i have effing 4 years of experiences, why that doesn't count?" - but being me, refusing to stoop down at that person's level of ignorance and stupidity to simple mathematics - i reserved my comment to her nonchalant justification.

OK maybe i was being overly snob? BUT being sidelined and allowing yourself to be sidelined is plain stupid. you sell what you have, and if they're paying a lesser price - you opt to exit and find another buyer.

I knew then i've got to let myself out. BUT everytime i waited, everytime i wasted precious hours and everytime i was the losing party - because i haven't got myself the bloody contract i can't claim my paycheque. SO, i waited for the clearance of my contract , persistently bugging whoever is responsible in the process of me getting my cheque. At the same time, i asked alot of people on their opinon of my situation and surprisingly their answers were unanimous - QUIT.

THEN as if Allah was trying to help me find my way, just as i was 'sinking' myself deeper in the shithole - i got my 'break'. My daughter was sick. She fell ill coincidentally on the week when i was supposed to finish an assigment. I was torned in between marching on or bowing out.

You see i am not the breadwinner of the family. I am a housewife and a mother to a very young toddler. And so, when your little one is sick, i feel it is my dutiful role as the mother to care for my child. Hell with the job. hell with everybody. Because the job do not allow me for MC, Emergency Leave etc. when i needed it most - what choices do i have?? QUIT.

SO after third consecutive days, my child's fever wasn't recovering - in the midst of all that fiasco - I QUIT.

Still mustering the strength i had in me to give it a last go - i actually stayed (overtime) way till midnight despite my daughter's health situation - i stayed for editing, taking in the impossible task, embracing new machines without any crash course to use it - but the facilities were banal to stay the least - tried two rooms and with the help of two person that have more experiences working with the machines - it was futile.

Frustrated, messed up and utterly knackered - i sent home a friend that stayed with me to help with the editing only to find myself took a wrong route back to my place - i was almost lost at the highway and it was past midnight - suddenly i knew that was the answer to my horrible ordeal - QUIT!

I just woke up the next day, looked at my very feverish child, her puppy eyes, her burning body temp , it affirmed my last' previous night omen- I QUIT.

I took in whatever advices that i've collected before - saying it doesn't matter for me to even notify anybody, i could well be MIA and then just be gone with it and don't give a rat's ass about the place anymore...they say just QUIT.

I know if that's the way to be - my name, my good name...whatever ounces left of it - will be tarnished possibly forever...

SO in the midst of me being a worried mom to a sick toddler and being a responsible 'illegal' contractor - chose the former! i chose my daughter!

SO if that is considered a cowardice act - I dont't want to be brave.

If chosing to care for your sick child is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Let me be, and let them tarnish whatever they have of me - my name..but they can't take away my principles, my life, my daughter. I have my reasons, i quit! eat that.

PS: for the record, on the day i chose to quit- my daughter was on her fourth day of high fever and started to cough quite badly..on her sixth day - we took her to hospital and she was warded for bronchopneumonia where she and i stayed for 5 days. My daughter on tons of medicines - puffs/syrups/antibiotics (3days) and were advised to restrict her outdoor activities for she is possible for relapse. I made the right decision to quit.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Exposing Self to the Blogosphere

After so much self wallowing, i've gotten myself back to the working world at least for awhile (that is the plan) until i can figure out whether i would want to continue on the basis of assuming a lecturing career OR back to sordid self of mere ass-kicking (ass-kicked) worker in the glitz & glam world that is the media industry.

2. Of course me gotta figure out exactly the resources needed for 100k compensation if i choose to adopt the latter option in life.

3. So in that case, there is no option is there. No way am gonna find 100k (and if i do find that much money I'd better spend it on meself-luxuring all things i had wished i have...)

4. OK for now busy-ing self at PWS under a new programme. Quite interesting. Internationally-issues-related kind. Which also means tons of possibilities for overseas work.

5. BUT time is short for me. I got less than 3 months to finish that damn thesis which carry massive 40 credit hours (serves me right...! f***)

6. I want to stay in this lala land forever..LOL.

7. OH, sweetest thing. Daughter started to make a sentences, understandable sentences, phrases. Which is a good start albeit some might say it is quite late for a 2 year old.

8. Either way, she's most adorable now that i love to play 'sulking-face' with her and she would come and console me, hug me and tell me how much she loves me. It is so soothing.

9. OK. suddenly remembered got lots of proposals to make (side jobs) and hate finishing what is pressing that THESIS. i just don't have the mood nemore..now that ISA is about to be abolished and all........freedom of speech so-called will be restored.......yadadadaddadadada.........would there still be any relevance if i stay on my subject of interest? or do i need to have a major restructuring? hatttttttttttttte this part of not knowing what to do..

10. mampuskan la..for now layan utube, layan lagu layan aljazeera listening posts lagi bagus..(^-^)