Wednesday, November 28, 2012

hardest thing is; to know which bridge to cross and which to burn.

Alas I am at that point in my life again, when faced with a dilemma as to whether I should cross this one bridge or burn it?

This decision is NOT easy.

And I don't want in any way, trying to repeat history. BUT things have been foul the minute I voiced out my intentions. Oddly, contradicting the ethos of that place.

I can understand the sentiment for the foulness. However, do they ever considered understanding mine?

It's NOT that I've taken them for a ride. and it's NOT that they have countered offered with something I could not resist.

Either way, the situation I am in, demands that I chose this path. Exit is the ONLY way.

Tried striking a 'deal' with them though, as I understand and truly hope I could accomplish whatever needed of me; however it seems that there are sinister plots set against me.

THUS, any sane and rational human would not want to be tricked in this plot they have in store for me. And why would I be any different? Why would I tolerate such injustices?

All said and done, what is appalling to me is the way things turned out, things that were said (or conveyed) was every bit the anti-thesis of what that place espouses to be.

The irony of life, yet again demonstrated in my life.

Never had I experienced such intolerance and spite when wanting to 'deguchi' from a 'shigoto'.

so the question remains: should I burn this bridge down or salvage whatever's left of it. However the former seems very unlikely. The animosity are just so high, only insane people would have the thick skin to endure those wounded tigresses.

I got to do it either way. It's either this way, or NO way at all and forever stuck at the place.

Jangan jadi 'yang dikejar tak dapat, yang dikendong berciciran'. UiTM please, wait for me.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Most of the Time, Things Doesn't Go As You Planned: A repost

THIS IS A REPOST, from way back in 2008; was so miserable then just as I am today albeit the cause is different and on a totally new level. And so I thought I should repost my thoughts back then, now, as I made a poem to convey my miserableness , not too shabby (the poem) I must say (forgive the self-praise sentence here, gimme a break am a miserable soul now :D )...anywho, want to write like that again. 



you've wasted so much time, energy planning for something, and yet, all that careful (or sometimes not too careful) plans had to be change, unconditionally! devastated. crashed. unbelievable.

and then there's time and time again, when u keep changing your plans (at least for me), so a wildflower, u let the wind determine your course..

Wildflower Phantom - by Aishah Ab Raman/ 2008 (revised 2012 in italics)
oh why is it so difficult to make believe that thee are to be mine eternally
i know i'm supposed to jump in joy,
But the heart isn't filled with that;
when time fast ticking away;
decision calls for actions,
can i be a wildflower then?
will wind take me to places?
or will there be no help from heaven..
afraid of thee i am;
when truth shall reveals;
facts deep in the heart;
affection towards thee;
are much to none;
though i try the hardest;
i fail everytime,
and now the the inevitable fast finding its way;
where to run?
how to hide?
often i'm being waken from dreams at night;
awful ones that frights;
as thee i can't find,
in those dreams that voids delight
instead cruel phantom
keeps haunting me;
sucking all energy dry
banish me now, banish me please;
for i had never been this miserable in my life;
till you came and steal my light;
leaving me to deal with plights
no fairytales just awful nightmares;
keeping me uptight
no chance of daydreaming;
never a single beaming
oh why phantom why;
did u ever make yourself known?
if it wasn't for you phantom past;
i know i'd still be miserable bee;
but not as much as i am today and forever will be.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Nothing is what it seems, apparently

It's almost 5 am on a Wednesday morning and I find myself having trouble to sleep.

Am still up & about at this wee hour and it just makes me think, how vulnerable we humans are. Often when there's something bugging the mind, we succumb to that wretchedness that the world is against us, everyone but us is happy and enjoying life; yet there's always someone else who's having more emotional or physical sufferings, the challenges they have to face are greater than us...will we be able to comprehend their troubles? Or will we be nothing but observant - watching with empathy or delight?

Reality is: everyone is tested, everyone has a sad story to tell (or not), the only difference is in the degrees of that sad story (and one's interpretation of it). You can choose to be empathetic (or at least pretend that you are) OR totally be insensitive about it. After all, the struggle is theirs to fight and lest you can help them is morally, for humanity sake.

For this reason: Aren't humans complicated creatures?  Because of this 'gift' of being able to 'feel', makes us different than the rest. Is this 'gift' a gift at all? When being 'feeling-less' seems more easy as we can be oblivion to our surroundings. I put forth a piece of poem from Rumi, that says it all about being human and dealing with this vulnerability called feelings.

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
Some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
Who violently sweep your house
Empty of its furniture,
Still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
For some new delight.

— Rumi

A joy and feeling depressed the next. I've been in this situation exactly. I, often envy at those who seems to have it all - at least emotionally. Emotionally contented. Happy. On prozac with no worries in the world. Or are they really? To know exactly the 'cure' is to find out the 'problem'. What is causing the unhappiness in one's life?

My most troubling variables would be the fear of losing my loved ones, failing health and losing everything I have. I am listing them in order of most feared:

1) Death (surprised like in accident) of loved ones
2) Deteriorating health (especially ending up in veggied state)
3) Unable to finish my MA and break MOHE contract and have to pay RM200k
4) Lose job and have no means to help my parents
5) LOSE EVERYTHING (material especially)

At this point of life, my worst fears is number 3. However, I placed it third after death and health as both of the variables are indeterminate - it can happen any time, any day (God forbid). BUT number 3, now that's the real 'ghost' of my life. The real bugger now. And that have a timeline. Latest by March 2013. (God forbid, too). If number 3 takes place, number 4 will follow suit soon after - resulting a possible number 5.

SubhanAllah, Laiilahaillah. La hawlawala quwatailabillah.

Am treading on dangerous grounds. They say, your action is your future. At this pace, I am taking on multitasking (i thought am a superwoman) - I must make decision and not be afraid of what others would think of me. As others are not listed in my worst fears in life.

O Allah show me the way. Make this dream a reality and don't let any of the listed fears I have, come knocking on my door. For once, I want to make my parents happy and really proud of me. For once, I want to be proud of me. For once, I want to really feel contented. I want to finish what I have started and embark on another, fruitful more meaningful journey in this life. I am almost there at my destiny. Seal the deal for me. Let me triumphantly breezed all my endeavors. Forlorn shall not be in my life anymore than anyone else's with such burden as I to bear.

O Allah, Most gracious You Know best.

ps: Am letting this one out for the world to know; be it empathetic or insensitive - you world, take the vote. Though remember you must, that what goes around comes around. Lest you want the same forlornness befalls you, you'd be that insensitive hearts wishing that others suffers intolerable pain in their journey in this thing called, life.