Thursday, June 30, 2011

Am so over am Green with envy

YES. am going to rant about colors now. Under the circumstances, i think yellow is the most talked about color of the month for Malaysia..and just like many others, i think it is apt that i title my entry with something provocative such as yellow...(sniffs)

2. Yellow is never my thing, be it on t-shirts, scarfs, tudung..anything. (no pun intended). I am more of a pink, or different shades of blue..and even black (for the slimming-down-effect look), white (for i am so pure & clean intention look) & silver (you know, they dub it the new yeah i put this color on for the trying to keep up with the trend look) know that's pretty much the color scheme I'd choose from depending on the mood.

3. BUT today i cannot help but to feel a little, not green as in recycle go-green campaign and not even green as in green and the logo of a moon green (if you know what i mean hehe) BUT today, i am feeling a wee bit of a monstrous Hulk, Frankenstein type of green....the type that is green with envy. the evil eye green...

4. YES. my emotions as for now is very..unstable. It become that way after browsing an old acquaintance's blog. I see that she is now starting a new life in a place that is a dear to my heart and is one of the top few places in this world i wish i can be staying....

5. NO, do not get me wrong. It is not that i am not feeling happy for her. Great for her, really. After spending 1 year in Japan, 3 years in Holland and now she's back to Japan for another 3 years (perhaps). And not to mention, doing thing that I too imagine myself doing that is to undergo post-grad studies.

6. I am envious at how people like her get to be where they are today. Get to live that dreams of theirs. I know there's the 'fate' talk or 'qada & qadar' equivalence, BUT there's got to be a 'methodological approach' to their successes, is there not?

7. I mean, how is it that there's people who seems to be living out life on Aces? String of good luck. As if they are meant to be enjoying this life without worrying too much of getting hurt from dreaming too much of life.

8. In relation to my friend's case mentioned above, she got to study under a scholarship scheme that is about the same as mine. OF course, the only difference is, she is doing it all in overseas institutions.

9. YES for that i envy her. Could it be that she gotten the right scheme? I had the same opportunity to be just like her, been offered the same thing from the same university as her 3 years ago, but i let down the offer because even though i knew there's a higher chances of me studying abroad if i take that offer because that particular uni is a new uni so they're allocating a big sum of money to trained their future employees..BUT i let it down still because the uni is in the east coast of this country..and the fact i am offered a course on industrial art-communication related thingy...just was not my thing.

10. SO i gave that one up, just as i gave up another offer that was soon to follow that one a few months later...a job at a uni (non-academic post) but with some relation to my background studies and job experience and best of all the benefits it had to offer to me was really interesting.

11. AGAIN, i let that one go, because i was heavily pregnant then, and the taught of embarking a new career that is in the heart of the country and having to take the LRT for it, was not convincing enough for my husband's approval.

12. SO there i was probably a loser, a stupid sore loser for giving up 2 lifetime opportunities.

13. UNTIL......after the birth of my baby girl- came the break i have been longing for.

14. IT was perfect - the post is of dream, the course is something i have experience with, the uni was my second home for the first 5 years of my adulthood..i mean what else could i be asking for....except...when the letter came, it stated "LOCAL".

15. BUMMER indeed. "LOCAL" as in local university was the choice given to me for my Master/PhD. All that dreams just crashed...........

16. THEN, in between hopes crashing/still hopeful and keeping a job that i was already climbing back on the ladder of success (another thing i was dreaming to have ever since i started the job) - i knew i had to make a choice.

17. AFTER much contemplation......although never a 200% sure - I tendered my resignation. MY dear chief was shocked though he knew something like that would be coming out from me, another chief in another department was also surprised at my decision (as he did help the process of 'climbing-up-the-ladder-of-success' thingy)..heck, i even surprised myself!

18. SO that was it. It's almost 2 years now.. i have given up a job that i love so tenderly and enjoyed doing (really i do, despite the long, unpredictable hours) all in pursuit of happiness of a new, hopefully more promising career in academia and if Allah permits, a chance of doing the post-grad overseas.

19. Question now, I did what is needed to be done...BUT that one shot at MA overseas, I did not get it, but others did. WHAT did they do for them to get what they are doing now? HOW was the selection on who gets to go overseas who does not, was carried out?

20. AGAIN do not get me wrong, not that i am not over the fact i am still stuck here while some of me friends are not, enjoying the fresher breeze of air.

21. I am so over MA melancholies.

22. NEXT question : HOW do I get myself to the places i dream of being for the next level of my study despite everything..? CAN i not carry on with this offer to continue my studies for phD in malaysia and hope that i can have a second chance when i am a staff under a different scheme? WHAT is there that should be done in my part to realize this little dream of mine?

23. BIGGER question : AM I ON A WRONG CAREER PATH ALTOGETHER???? Because at this point it seems all the odds are against me...everything did not go well from day 1 when i enrolled my MA in that the reason why i am not getting what i wish i am getting in this scheme i have been longing for since i finished my degree in broadcasting in 2006? AM I ON A TRACK TO SELF-DESTRUCTION and would end up as an overweight, home-cracker??(as opposed to homemaker...i am so not that type)

24. O Allah O Mighty...Please show me the way. WILL THERE BE A RAINBOW AT THE END OF THIS DREADFUL STORM?

25. FOR now, have to, must be putting my positivity cap on..for I have only 6 months to go and in my current department records there has never been a successful MA candidate that finishes within less than a year...SO unprecedented it is deem impossible target to achieve....

ps: janna...yeap this post was referring to you albeit you're not the only one on my envy list for now..but yeah, i stumble upon your blog and it caused me this mood swing of self-pithiness and biting reality check on my life's sordidness. HOWEVER fret not, am still sane and below suicidal....LOL.

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