Friday, June 10, 2011

A mummy's worry and being selfish prick

So the month of June is slowly inching its way to midway...and before we know it, hello July! And then Ramadan, Eid ...and the cycle goes again and again..and then, there comes the NEW YEAR! and ouch, next year i'll enter the 3-series age group. yikes.

Again, whenever i re-read my entries, could not help but to think, why o why i keep procrastinate things that i ought to do..things that should be on my priority lists...you know like studying.Pronto! but did i do it? No. Well, not exactly no...a half no that is.

As a student mummy, i could not help but to think about my child first. OK so any mother would do that right..i guess it is the mummy nature to behave that way. Sure, i am not that superwoman-mummy that does everrrrything on every single day -like cooking superb meals, cleaning the house spanking shiny or even buy everything that a child needs - except her basic needs of course...but i do try to be one.

I perfectly realise and fully aware that my first obstacles for achieving my goal before this year ends, is finding my child a suitable if not perfect nursery or caretaker for that matter. and yes, i kept writing about that concern ever since day one...

I have tried. really i do. BUT everytime i am exhausted and giving up and ready to just chuck away kid the next day and so called promised myself that i will do just that and be 'selfish' in order to finish my very much delayed work=i backed out from my plan. because, there will always be wrenching stories about careless childcare centres that causes little kids their souls.

so we heard stories about infants choked to death after a meal/milk..but very rare do we hear about toddler's death right about a few weeks ago in Penang. I, as one worrying and very concern and desperate parent who is contemplating about sending my own kid to a nursery would rather be in denial and try not to read such depressing stories that could easily de-motivate me sending my kids to nursery plan..besides i figured most wrenching stories involves little babies that unfortunately was not properly taken care of by their caretakers after their feed hence causes the death like choking (note: that is why babies needed to be properly burped to ensure they don't choke even after what seem minute, harmless feed of 2 oz of milk)

BUT, last few weeks about the death of a 2 year old girl who had drowned in a water basin - send me the shivers. Why? Because my daughter is 2 year old, she is also a girl and she is very active and very fond of playing with water. Of course drowning in a water basin is one of my biggest fear towards my kid.. that poor kid's fate really made me think twice of ever sending my kid to nurseries especially with the kinds that i have running in my neighbourhood - none of them are registered under the ministry of women affairs...NONE!

so i thought, next option is to find her a good, reliable nanny that operates their own kind of 'home-nursery' you know the kind that take in less than 5 kids at one time. i found one, which was introduced by my next door neighbour who had been sending her own infant there. So i checked out this nanny who lives like a few houses from mine on a different alley than me.

At first , i find her quite amusing, good-hearted homemaker that wanted to make extra cash with nannying other people's kid not because of she wants to be a few dough richer- but according to her, because she loves kids. and being a young mum of 4 kids - i trust her. to top it off, she is also a sewer - you know that perfect ms housewife like Bree in Desperate Housewives. But after spending an hour chatting about our kids - i sensed that she perhaps will not be that extra careful kind of nanny although she said her husband keeps reminding her to be one.

Why i say so? i might be wrong...but call this a mummy's hunch or something..because everytime i mentioned about my kid hyper-activeness (who was running around her house when we were talking most of the time) and especially how she loves staircases which i then explained to her the reasons i installed baby-gates on my staircase - she shrugs at that fact and said........

"oh , not me..i would not make my kids be trapped like in a zoo" then i said, " oh no, although that may sound inhumane and de-generates her development progress as a child that needs to enrich herself in climbing etc- those gates meant for security purposes, i don't want her to miss a step and fall flat on her face" - she laughs at me and said that is so typical of my as a first time mummy- too protective of her kid!

i let her have that i thought. in my mind i agree with her, but i kept my stand that i knew it is for my kid's own good and safety.

then....another safety-issue-alarm triggers. at this point, my daughter already tried to ventured out from the house and was attracted to her finely cut grass lawn and being a concern mum i warned my kid not to. and to this the nanny again laughs at me........

"ooh come one, it is OK. let the kid play"

i replied, "but it is still hot, and she is still not well and we are both in the house need to keep an eye to her because she can be very adventurous"

again she shrugs me off and laughs...and the alarm bell rings for me when she said....

......"ah, but i won't stop her, in fact whenever i have kids to take care, i'd usually just let the kids play outside by themselves - they need that - they're kids afterall..i would just let them be"...

------------------and just when i thought she was finished mocking my parenting skills or lack of, she continued ..."u know u are so typical, i totally understands that, i was just like you when i had my first child, i was so protective, could not let a single scar on their skin..but then, number 2 comes along, and then number 3...soon i realised i am just tired to be that protective and let loose of myself and let the kids be.." again she let go of small doses but quite proud laughs after that comment. .......

i was like...wtf? exactly my point there....so it is OK for you to be extra careful with your first born, but not me? it is because you have now more than one kid, you could not care less about them and just let them run free, i should follow your style of parenting? so, what will the deal be when now you are dealing with more than one kid to take care whose not yours? will you have the same concern?Kids need supervision. yes let them play. yes let them climb. BUT let them do all that under supervision, under attending eyes...but i wonder if this nanny will ever be that because she have 2 little infants to take care as well as 4 (if includes my daughter) toddler...so i am guessing- no way she have double sets of eyes to watch over helpless infants as well as super-active -exploring age phase toddlers....to do all the supervision by herself...very unlikely.

---------------------------i think i have my answer to that....so with that witnessed, i asked my leave and took my kid with me and so called promise the nanny (halfheartedly) that i'll be calling her if i want to send my kid over...................of course i never did ...not to this day.

==================so am i an overly worried mummy that prefers to take care of my kid myself or should i just be a selfish prick and let others take care of my child while i get my bum to work and hopefully finish my thesis in the miraculous period of time that is less than a year??? O Allah Almighty , show me the way....make this easier for me to take...i have been procrastinating the job not because i love to, but i was all this while not being a selfish prick mom - of course this has causes me the stall in my work, but does this mean i need to be selfish for me to finish the work??? i don't want to be selfish, just need to find a good, reliable help for now. O Allah help me................:((

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