Monday, April 15, 2013

Being consistently inconsistent

Consistently inconsistent is such an oxymoron just as my life is at this moment. These days I drink decaf coffee, unsweetened chocolates, at the living end of my journey as postgrad that is hardly easy, and here I am baring it all as an open secret.

I reckon these past 2 1/2 years being out of "real job" and surviving on (at least until last july 2012) monthly stipends from a scholarship (though was quite a lucrative sum, alhamdulillah) I must say, I have been consistently inconsistently resting on my laurels which resulted to those time wasted (occupied with other matters than studying) finally takes its toll on me - I am fatso.

Unlike most ladies, I actually mean that. You know, that I acknowledge the fact that I am fat and utterly despise anyone who thinks that I am looking for sympathy and hopes to be comforted and assured that I am not fat whenever I say that I am.

Nor do I appreciate such blunt honesty from strangers or person of mere acquaintance to say that I've gained weight or my arse is a size of a jumbo jet. No sir, I don't condone that total act of contemptuous rudeness. As a result, I've never reciprocate such vile things to others, knowing well it'll irks them as it would for me.

Of course, the only exception is when you know me well or in you're within that circle of trust - your frankness to remark about my body mass is tolerable. Point is, am gaining weight more than I should which I am fully aware of and I ain't going to be pretentious about it. I own these cheese under the skins.

However, having all these cheese culminates in cardiac arrest. I know heavy people are usually those lack in physical fitness that could result to health deteriorations. Never thought I'd have that problems. Apparently, I was wrong, quite wrong.

Into the sun
Last Thursday, while relaxing in front of the tele, hands scrolling down my FB feeds, suddenly, just suddenly, without warning, I got heart palpitations. My heart was beating really fast, unlike the usual palpitation attacks that only lasted less than 5 minutes - this one was longer, painful, almost suffocating, trembling, and shivering. I honestly thought, "Oh God! This can't be heart attack, can it?" I watched helplessly my daughter who was oblivious of my episodes and worries of the ugly consequences that might follow should this in fact turn out to be, ugly heart attacks or any kind of 'attacks'. After trying to remain calm and breath slowly, the pain does not subside, I decided to grab the keys and make the run for CLINIC!

Drama, drama, drama. While behind the wheels, with my daughter on my side constantly asking "Are you feeling better Mommy?"(yes she actually said that in English), I started to think what if I couldn't make it in time and something really bad happen to me? That scares the shit out of me. Na'uzubillah. Finally what seems to be a short, 5 minutes drive, feels the longest 5 minutes of my life. I parked the car and got out quickly while grabbing the hand of my very well behaved (amazingly) and concerned daughter.

While waiting, I tried to remain calm. And just before the doctor's door opened, that scary palpitations STOPPED! Relief but then I felt "Oh good god. Now the doc would prolly thinks this is all fake". The consultation with Dr. Norazlina was good and she was genuinely concerned with me - however as this was only a standard clinic, no stress test was given to determine whether it was a heart attack. She did however assessed that I might have thyroid instead.

NOW, thyroid? Isn't as fancy as heart attack - but I argued with her how can that be as I don't have any swelling under the chin, no enlargement around the neck, no menstrual irregularities. In lieu I questioned her diagnosis "you sure it was nothing to do with heart attacks? As I felt pretty much like that". She checked me again "yes, your heart does beat fast..slightly above 100". Ah, a tachycardia, I told myself. Perhaps able to see to read my face that goes 'hah told you so' - she retorted "I'd still think it's thyroid nonetheless I suggest you take a blood test". Ah, come on doc, can't admit that you're wrong, can you. I hesitated at that and finally after a few chats on what triggers these attacks and the possibility of thyroid - I took my leave. Quite disappointed in honesty.

Naturally, I don't go to her the next day for that blood test. I am being recalcitrant.

I don't believe her. I don't have any thyroid symptoms but I do have a long history of heart palpitations and family history of heart failures/ heart problems. My 36 years old sister have "undecided heart problems" after going through vigorous heart-related medical tests. My mom has had bypass surgery and have heart problems. I noticed one thing very striking of me is that I get easily surprised and my heart will beat faster. Everything that I suffered on that Thursday evening was signs of heart problems - shortness of breath, choke, heavy chest, sweating, dizziness and that the doc said it's thyroid? What ignorance.

Smile even when your heart's crying
One thing for sure, I ain't getting any younger so might as well get healthier. I realised there's just too much to live for, and Na'uzubillah, I don't want to suffer from any attacks-oxygen-deprived and left in a veggie state till my last day. I want to see my daughter grow and possibly have another kid. I want to come out from this mess and stopped being consistent inconsistently avoiding my studies and summons the inner energy and strength to fight this battle of what we call life's struggles.

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