When The Wait Is Over...Almost.

Salaam.

It has been awhile since me last update. This blog has been collecting cobwebs (virtual that is) ever since...and from the last entry until today, there has been many happenings, good and bad...but mostly average good, even when it is bad, I'd still count me blessings, Alhamdulillah.

Some of you folks blog for audience, traffics, attention, money, fame etc. Be as it may, I blog for myself. I do realise that I don't have any (or lack of) audience, traffics etc. but that isn't the reason for me ramblings here on the websphere. I blog,  admittedly, for my own records. For myself, reminiscing me past happenings, and future aspirations. Just for me. WHILE there could be times, I get rare visitor(s) commenting about a certain post, that doesn't change the perspectives of my reason getting into blogging.

Anyhow, that's aside. This entry is going to be quite a lengthy one.

Since July 2010, my obsession/focus has been on graduating, preferably on time. Of course that didn't happen, unfortunately (or fortunately, only Allah knows best). Then, from around end of 2011, I have been obsessing and stressing out on finishing the dreadful thesis. Was lucky to get an extension (full paid) however, as fate has it for me...that also didn't work out to my advantage. And from then on (July 20120, it was painful journey ALL ALONG, without the cushiony monthly stipends, stressing out about replacing SV, stressing out about writing, stressing out about everything. LIFE was HARD for me. Only Allah knows. Often times I break in tears, giving up hopes (and I did give up). Emotionless, sedentary just dazed out. And for the past 7-10 months, was crazy. Everything it seems, happened around the same time to me. Everything big. Alas, I finally get my VIVA done end of May, and passed with excellent comments from all three examiners. That was pure relief. BUT feels surreal about it all. The thesis STILL got 10% work before printing (UM way of submission - student has to present twice; proposal & defense, after which, if pass, got to print and submit within 3 months for checks with soft bound copy, wait for another 1-2 months for final verdicts and PRINT hard bound copy before the senate grants you a pass).

My family was rejoicing the fact that I passed my VIVA. BUT I, deep inside knew, the end wasn't as easy. As such, I wasn't that happy. And just between VIVA and more stressing out mode, I found out.....I am PREGNANT! I wasn't thrilled at all. I always had a family plan, at least mentally. From the first birth, I knew I wanted to wait for another tot. Reason: juggling work as student, mommy wasn't easy, as this blog has it...let alone, another edition to the family...will make it worse for me. Then came 2013, my first child is already four years old, my older sister has another baby after 7 years...and suddenly the sight of a newborn excites my hubby and me (though I am still adamant about my little family planning and made this known to my hub). He was supportive of my plan yet he is also contemplating about adding another child.

His reasons: our first born is old enough and in need of a sibling ie. she's lonely, need a friend, kept talking to herself etc.

My reasons: Can't have another baby at the moment. Am not ready, am not financially independent, student life still a mess. Thesis unsettled. BUT mostly, AM not working (this is my biggest concern).

Of course hub says, I can't state money as reason for denying the chance to have another baby. He even said that is against the principle of beliefs in line with Islam that with every child, there will be blessings / prosperity that comes along with it. Prosperity or rezeki as Malay refers it. One just have to belief in that. Of course being the liberal me, I debated him. Not to be a disbeliever, but am being realistic...money IS important in bringing another life onto this world. IT IS COSTLY to have kid these days. Added to that, all my first born's baby items has been given to my niece and some (the bulky and important ones) have been returned to my older sister since she's having that new baby again....I argued to hub that we will need to start from scratch. It is all over again. AND that will costs us, rather costs him. Since he is the only breadwinner now. BUT hub, being the every optimistic, strong believer, only says "Insya-ALLAH (god willing), all will be ease for us, you have to believe dear".

Wow. what a digression. More on baby stories next. So, the thesis....amid my "unprepared-shocked-pregnancy" news, thesis was halted even further just after the rejoicing news of VIVA. BECAUSE, with this pregnancy, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetic mellitus (GDM), a diabetic condition common among pregnant women, at least. For more on GDM I was diagnosed as early as 9 weeks! That was just before Ramadhan, and you could imagine my horror and sadness. I was never diabetic although diabetes runs in my family (from my Dad's side). I guess, it is just a matter of time before it happened to me. BUT I was still devastated. My first thought, am going to be on insulin (god forbids) and that scares the shit out of me. I can't bare the thoughts of self-injecting myself with a syringe of insulin, everyday. Furthermore, with GDM means I have to be on a strict diet control; no sugar, less carb = NO tasty food. AND mind you it was almost ramadhan....a month where food is abundance, good food!

To derail my focus from thesis further, with GDM means I had to meet the antenatal visits twice a week, at two different clinics. One in the regular government family clinic PKD KJ, another in government hospital Sg Buloh. Twice a week of visits means fingers poking more for blood, urinating in cups and just the long wait for a brief, most of the time disappointing consultation session with NURSE.

My stress level was crazy. I was down low. Because of GDM, I lost my weight and has not gained any ever since (at 9 weeks).

Because of GDM, I couldn't fast. I missed the whole ramadhan. To me, lost of energy, and couldn't cope because of the strict diet and there's the morning sickness and all.

THESE reasons ultimately make me lose faith on thesis and I just want to slump in my chair all day long despite knowing well I need to make it to print.

And Syawal came. Before long, it was Eid-Fitr. Month of rejoice. For me, I wasn't that happy. As if things were not bad enough, just 2 days before Eid, I got a devastating call from my scholarship sponsor. So devastating it made me feel that ending my life would be the best choice. Yes, I was that depressed by the call. Thus, Eid was nothing, no joy, nothing to be happy about, for the foolish me. I sink further into the abyss of sadness and self-pity. So much so, I even refused to grant my hub his wish to visit his hometown i.e.. mom, family for Eid, as usual practice has it. I just did not want to go anywhere except be within the comfort of my own family, my mom, my dad, my family. Others, for me, can go to he**.

I got no courage to finish the final 10% of thesis. I gave up.

Until...I had my first baby full ultrasound. I see it, fully formed. Though couldn't make out the gender as yet as the baby always in an upside down position, and kicking ever so actively. Despite GDM, the baby is looking good. Fetal growth - normal. I sighed a deep relief of Alhamdulillah. In all my misery, I heard the baby's heart beating for the first time, and I feel like crying. Here I was fretting, stressing out even to a point of blaming this baby for all the mishaps that's happening in my life and failed to see the miracle behind Allah's creation. THIS baby, MY BABY is a gift from Allah. In time of my misery, in time of all things hopeless, Allah give me another life.

That jolts me back to reality. I quickly picked up the pieces, I summoned the courage to finish the unfinished, and finally did it just within a week. Submitted to my dear mr. supervisor who has been wondering of my MIA when I am supposed to end with pride, he checked my work and promised to get back in 3 weeks time. This was right after Eid, somewhere around end of August/ early September. I made a visit to my sponsor, met the person in-charge, showed my reason and pleaded for some leverage...and the rest I just leave it Allah. In my hearts, if this is meant to be, it will be. Kun fa ya kun. If Allah says, be it, it will be. From this point onwards, I got nothing else to do but wait and pray hard.

AND, finally, in mid October...my SV got back to me and give a thumbs up for the thesis for printing. My reaction was, relief, yet I am worried if he was being too lenient to me. BUT he reiterated that the work is commendable, my hard work showed, and he was pleased with it. Alhamdulillah. I drove home, with tears in my eyes, envisioning the end of my journey, my graduation in October 2014, Insya-ALLAH.

BUT as I am about to submit, found out that I need to forked out RM1100 for semester's fees (again?) and RM1000 submission fees. My heart just broke. With a burnt pocket, even my "savings" in my piggy wouldn't suffice by half. I was in dilemma in between asking for help from my siblings or my parents (all of them I knew well will be hard to ask favours from, except mom but mom....I just couldn't ask from...as she isn't working). the other alternative, even thought of selling my beloved Macbook Pro to make ends meet. Or my jewelry. Pawn it all, I figured. That ought to be enough. OF course hub was against all this. Thus, hub, feeling obligated as the other half of my life, gave me that extra RM needed for my school fees, something of which I feel awful of. I mean, on top of me not working for the past 3 years, he has taken over all my monthly bills, giving me extra "pocket allowance" and every whims and needs I had..and now that we're expecting another baby, I feel bad that he'll need to cover the whole expense. As such, "asking" from him for "my mistake", "my additional need" that is not his, I feel wrong. TO HUB, thank you sayang. I promised, I will make it up to you, Insya-ALLAH.

The end (almost, this is a soft-bound copy version) of my thesis. The "fruit" of 2 years of waiting.

However, as luck would have it, I found out that I needn't pay that extra RM1000 for submission fees as it was covered in my scholarship. Alhamdulillah. And in the heat of the day at UM, walking to and fro from one building to another, from one floor to another (no elevators), with my bloated self, I was thirsty as hell when I stumbled upon a vending machine with only sugary drinks available, I thought "Oh no!" but I was thirsty, really thirsty, I could die (ok exaggeration, but I was all tired). Chose iced-tea, and drank half of it before I felt dizzy with the sugar (for someone who hasn't been drinking full sugary drinks, after a while your body tend not to recognise large amount of sugar intake...thus when you do consume sugar, you got "Sugar-rush"). The iced-tea made me feel even weaker and sick. And while huffing and puffing, one kind soul at the HQ faculty, gave me a bottle of mineral water (after I related to her my quest for a mineral water or any non-sugary drink). I felt like crying, again. Alhamdulillah. To that kind soul, may Allah bless you. 

All in all, I finally submitted the thesis last 29 OCT. and according to my SV and if luck is on my side, the marking will only take a month. BUT if not, it will take latest 3 months (god forbids). either way, I truly hope for a pass (in UM only pass with minor or major corrections or fail). And that will take me into my last leg of pregnancy months. Somewhere in December (hope hope hope) or January. If January, I will be a busy bee then, preparing for birth, possibly already at my mom's place. So any "minor corrections" will be difficult to achieved with a baby on its way out. O Allah, make it easy for me...Allahumma yassir wala tu assir. 

In sum, I got nothing much to fret about this journey. It hasn't been smooth as others would have it. Mine is stumbling block of one after another. What I do fret is just that whatever I have sent in, the work was already 60% done even way back in June 2011. Unfortunately, as fate would have it, I didn't have a "smooth" ride with my previous SV as she was sick, intermittently on leave until she took unpaid leave in the end, right about August 2012. Thus, this 60% was just sitting idly for one whole year....until around October 2012 when I got a new SV. and from Oct 2012 to May 2013, that was when it showed progress. IF ONLY my SV wasn't sick, probably I got a better push at my work, better supervision, better input thus would not have dragged this long. 

BUT even then, I can't blame the SV only. I know, I have myself to blame. Truth is, my fault is that I wasn't STRONG ENOUGH TO BE SELFISH ENOUGH. From the get-go, July 2010, everything started to rumble a bit. Dad got cancer, then the devastating news about the state of my mom's house, then two of my maids run off, my daughter keeps falling sick intermittently pushing me to not send her to any nanny or nursery. My life as a student was focus by NOT STUDYING instead on the need of my DAUGHTER, MY PARENTS and my household. I PUT MY STUDY ON HOLD. I thought I was a superwoman, I thought I could juggle it all. BUT ALAS, I couldn't. Almost falter even. 

I started my student life as a young first time mother to a very young child. My Raihanna was barely 1 year when I started out. I remember getting this scholarship, attending the interview when I was heavily 8 months pregnant. And now, I am about to end it with another child. Being heavily pregnant again. The works of Allah indeed has its own mystery. And it will be unfolding soon. To the end of a new beginning, Insya-ALLAH I can only hope. HOPE, HOPE, HOPE. 

Along this journey, I have "lost" a few friends, one friend in particular I actually have lost, as she passed due to cancer, others "lost" as in failing to "recognise" me anymore. Some, looked at me differently, with their judging eyes that I took so long to finish. Only a few good ones stand to be the encouraging, motivating, understanding souls. To these few good ones, I vow to always have you folks in my hearts, and will always be your friends, returning the gestures the favours when in need. Doesn't matter, if I lose some few friends, most importantly I didn't lose the important ones in my life - MY FAMILY. 

To dear hub, I've had my doubts about you regarding this whole episode of my student life, there had been a few "turbulences" especially the early years, but it turns out, you came to your senses and showed your support when I needed most. When I was at my most vulnerable state. Sayang Mohd Redzuan Abdul Manap , thank you for everything and forgive me for all the bad things I did and say to you. May we live years of blissful wedded life, you being the Imam of our prayers and the responsible father to our children. Amin Ya Rabb.  (Disclaimer: I don't think my hub ever reads my blog, or if he's even aware of its existence...nevertheless, it is here, hub, in case I am gone one day, my words "engraved" to the cyber world, in bits and bytes for all to see and for posterity). 

And we're off to never-never land....

I am in no way would claim myself as a heavy metal fan, not even metal. BUT I appreciate any rock n roll songs. and any songs for that matter.

Nor would I consider myself as a Metallica die-hard fans.

BUT I am a fan. I do know more than just 'Enter Sandman' song and I can name all the members of the band. I know one of the them died in a bus crash and that James' alcoholic problem almost brought down the band somewhere in the late 80s.

Though I don't have all of their albums in my collection, I've had bought a few..the first album of theirs that I bought with my own pocket-money (savings from my school pocket money) was 'LOAD'. I remember I bought that album (a cassette) with its "fire-flame" cover, and 'Ain't My Bitch' the first track. I was at my tender years of innocent 11 years old then!!  I played 'Load' constantly, back-to-back with my (elder sister's) Sony walkman and thought "this is some awesome album"...

AND most interesting thing I remember about 'LOAD' was that I introduced the album (and band) to a friend, who was a daughter to an 'ustaz' (a religious Islamic teacher to a priest for a Christian). Of course, this is METALLICA album we're talking, and she being a daughter to a religious man and was herself (and I think still is) very religious and pious...would never have bought the album. YET I introduced the album to her (of course can't be naming her) and even loaned her the cassette for her enjoyment.

THE BEST THING, after a week...upon returning the cassette, SHE IS A "CONVERT" ...a convert to Metallica at least, not only she enjoyed it she asked me to get her one too (and would pay later). Read: I can be a bad influence too. :D

ANYWAY, I never bought her the cassette. BUT I did buy more Metallica album after that - 'RELOAD', 'ST. ANGER', and 'S&M' (well the symphony Metallica concert, not really an album).

OF COURSE my interest over Metallica don't come by myself nor did any of peer-pressure thing (was in an all-girls high school and boy band was the most hip thing!). BUT it all came from my two elder brothers...growing up, I would sneak into their bedroom, and go over their stuffs! And yes, cassettes too. I listened to bunch of what would be considered now "legendary" - the likes of Jamal or Search, Wings  (my favourites too) and even Black Sabbath, Led Zappelin. INCLUDING Metallica. They had the 'Black' album - the best album ever. AND I was hooked on the 'Unforgiven' and 'Enter Sandman'. My exposure to Metallica was as early as 7 years old!

I remember my brothers had this one VHS tape on their concert - 'LIVE SHIT: BINGE AND PURGE' and that was the first time I "saw" them perform. Yes, am a rock chick at heart. Of course my favourite was Kirk Hammett. Not only he was awesome guitarist he is also the cutest (in my opinion). haha. I am always fond of the Latin-look more than straight up Caucasian with blue eyes and blonde hair. THOUGH James' voice is the reason I am hooked to their songs.

THEN somewhere between 10 years old and hitting puberty...along came hip-hop/boy band/pop culture. KRU was one (locally), NKOTB was the other (internationally) and BSB too. My choices of music, widens from then on...

ANYWAY, like any fans, when Metallica announced they would have a concert here, I was excited too. BUT was well aware that I could never go. Simply because there's no way I could ask my hubby to fork out hundreds (at least 400 for a decent seating) for the tix. I did ask him anyway, told him that he brought me to concerts before, and now am craving to catch Metallica live! He dismissed that immediately saying it would be better to splurge those cash on a new stroller for our new baby (insyaAllah).

HOWEVER the table's turned. who knew there would be a contest that would give away free tickets to Metallica concert, not in KL but in SINGAPORE and all expenses paid! I grab the chance, entered like a mad woman, cracked my head to write different, catchy slogan with each entry and....I WON! well technically my husband won as I entered his name as oppose to mine. BUT I DID all the greasy work. and so when we won, he had no way of saying no to me. He just had to allow me to go and accompany me as well (of course).

We'll be staying in a four stars Hotel Royal@Queens. And this would be my first ever Metallica concert, first concert in a foreign land and first visit to Singapore, land of Lee Kuan Yew. LOLS!


BUT am still concern as am 16 weeks pregnant, hopefully the journey won't tire me that much.
There is hope. This shall be forever "memory remains". Yey yey yey!

Ps: at this time and hour, am still contemplating whether to proceed with the adventure....it's gonna be far, it's gonna be packed at Changi (bigger than Merdeka Stadium overseeing the sea)...and i presume the crowds are gonna be wilder!!!

Road to reconciliation...is it?

RECONCILIATION.

Remember that word. Understand its meaning. For it is the catchphrase of postGE13. I don't want to say much, but would like to insert some pages of the "13th May - Tragedy Offical Report" by National Operations Council published on 9th October 1969. Click here to download (I've highlighted essential points, read especially from chapter 8 onwards).

After more than 50 years, this nation has never been so divided. 

Digressing a bit: prior to 2010 - I was apolitical. Yes, as written in this blog, I admitted that I fancied the politics, I am keeping tabs with the latest development. In 1998, I was one of 2-3 (the minority am sure) of 15 or so members of my class in high school that did not sympathise with Anwar Ibrahim's sacking. I was still very sure Dr. M did what he thought was best. Of course my minority views was looked down by my friends. I remember vividly, some of my friends were gathering in one corner of our class - talking about the political situations then - mostly demonising Dr. M. 

I remember saying to them lot that I don't believe Dr. M was a bad person yet am not saying Anwar was bad either. I said, this is politics. You can never trust the players. However, I do remember that grandfatherly image of Dr. M walking by himself, alone, on the pavement just outside of One Utama shopping complex and I walked across him. I was starstruck to see him there, and he just smiled at me and continued walking. This was before the sacking. 

Secondary mates from Form Four - friends until today: Fellow SMPSA 

I also remember well back then, my class teacher, reminded us to study hard and work hard for our future for our future (Malaysia) she reckons will be like Singapore. Sooner or later this precious land of the Malays will no longer be in our hands. She reminded us those privileges enshrined in the Constitution can be taken away in due time with concerted efforts from those who wished to do so. This was right after the sacking. 

Of course being just 16 years of age, I don't quite follow all these talks about Malay nationalism or patriotism. I was not the ultra Malays (those who supported Anwar was thought of being the 'ultra' Malays). I do remember some good non-Malay friends I used to have, my table mates in SRKKT - clara loh, or Fiona leong, or Elsie Ooi (and still keep the lovely sunflowers crafted from paper she gave me till this day), or how bad ass Nicholas Soo was those times yet I still like talking with him, or even one guy who was sitting in front of me, Chong Chee Jen (and boy how I used to have crush over him...he's that nerdy, smarty pants Chinese boy). I remember I and bunch of SRKKT mates walked to a crematorium in PJ close to the school to pay the last respect for our dear friend, Nicky Woo Liu Jin. I remember I cried seeing his blued-puffed up face (he died pneumonia believing to suffered that from the active swimming he done, he was the school swimmer). I remember how I used to be good friends with them that they taught me some Chinese and how I would love to watch chinese drama on tv (you know the evening shows every weekdays after school). 

Primary school mates : 3 Melati at SRKKT 

BUT that was all in primary school. High school came. Went to the very famous now, clustered girl school - SMP Sri Aman. Somehow I don't quite recall having Chinese friends that I was close with. Of course there were nonMalays but never got to mingled with them much, except some few faces. Then, in Form 3 - I got in one of the four 'A' class - where most of the school brainy bunch were. BUT my table mates was Azah Najwa before she left for Germany. The one sitting in front was brainy Jasmina Mokthar. Of course one of my classmate in Form 3 now the famous Selangor strategist - Tricia Yeoh. Then I remember the very nice girl, Chiu Chin.

Secondary school mates : 3 Cekap SMP Sri Aman

Soon after SPM, came adulthood. I went to UIA. although not race centric, but it's Muslim centric. There are a few international students, but majority are still Malays/Muslims. I took Bachelor of English (Minor Humanities). Was still apolitical and oblivious of my surroundings. At this point of my life,was 'fighting with self - I learnt to wear the hijab as requirements of the University. I remember I was rebellious. First time had to stay in campus, I would always defy that and come crawling back home even if I had to pay fines. Circa 2000 in UIA, my good mates was Lyza Razak, Nordiana Azlinda and some other Bachelor of Arab Studies mates. I was having "enlightenment" conflicts - on one hand, want to resist all this "islamization" on me - the wearing of hijabs, learning Arabic and being that "hip" English student. but on the other hand, I find studying in UIA made my parents proud. Hence, was struggling to be a modern Muslimah yet very "international" by the virtue of being "proficient in English" and a product of an international uni. Of course, my days at UIA did not last. I chose UiTM. 

Diploma mates: Mass Comm UiTM

Now, end of circa 2000, I began my journey in UiTM. I took on mass communications studies. Again, so-called "hip" course. BUT I was still oblivious with my surroundings and apolitical. To me, being in UiTM was that "liberation" I seek - no more conforming to be pious and be in the dorm early every Thursday night to recite Surah Al-Mulk. No need to endure the prejudices of some "Muslim extremists" in UIA that "hunt" girls who do not appear to be "islamic" enough ie. not covering enough etc. It also means that I am studying a course that is close to my heart - as my dad was a RTM veteran, growing up always following him to his   lecture session/outstation work, so I know pretty much what I was getting myself into (read: broadcasting realm). And partly of course because I was coaxed by then the boyfriend. Some of my bestest mates were: Hanis Harun, Fidzah Safri, Idir Nahwari, Fiqrie Dahlan, Haza Hamdan, Rais Ramzidi, Lizawati Yaakob, Ija Azahari (just to name a few).

bachelor degree group mates (prior Japan): broadcasting, UiTM

Then, came 2003. I broke off with that schmuck. Obviously entangled with drowsy, manipulating, monkey love - I did not study hard enough. BUT, I did not do so bad either. So like everyone else who studied diploma course in UiTM, one is expected to further to a bachelor degree. Was torn in between choosing Journalism or Broacasting and finally I chose the latter. Was still apolitical but was gradually maturing. I know then life has more to offer (lesson learnt after the split with that schmuck).I put myself together, I tried studying (although first sem was still hard, still bearing the "scars" and trying to move on). Second semester came, I had my first break - was selected to go to Japan. At this point of life, I already befriending a new guy (now hubby). Of course never did like him much because he was not that perfect, ideal guy I envisioned but he was a friend to me. He helped with (financially) my dreams of Japan and was very supportive too. And I was off to Tokyo on 31 August 2004. My best mates during bachelor was Haza Hamdan, Albar, Safuan, Hani. of course still retain close friendships with friends during dip years - Hanis and Fidza.

international mates: BGU Tokyo

Japan, was the best times of my life. First time away from family, friends. First time away from homeland. First time living as 'foreigner'. This time, was still apolitical but I was very much patriotic. And I wear Malaysia proudly on my sleeves. I make friends, I exchange my Malay cultures - I taught my new both Minnesotians, Japanese and Indonesian friends Malay words and folks songs. I remember in one of my "elective" course - Japanese politics/ International Politics - I went to see my sensei - Okamoto Ito (phD) and he related to me that he admires Malaysia's leader - Dr. M. (at this time, the PM was PakLah). I asked him "what about my recent PM?" My sensei face went clueless. "Ah, gomen nasai." (that means I am sorry in Japanese). I was proud that he speaks highly of Dr. M. I remember during both Eid, I went to the Malaysian Embassy - excitement was in the air, food was abundance - of course mostly malay/muslim students were there, but there were others too. I remember there were no Malays/Chinese/Indian - all was Malaysian and talks in BM and Japanese (not English). The fact is everyone was carrying that Malaysian spirit high if not missing home as much. Of course, essentially I make some good malay/Malaysian friends there: namely Paklan (zulhairi), Erin Adnan, Janna, Sofea. And we would hang out together/ shop together. There were also some Indonesian friends (one of which was a brainy phD student of engineering in Tokyo Uni) - who turned out to be my "consistent" Halal chicken supplier.Then, there was the "fling fling" I had with oh so kacak dan gantang (tak boleh tulis english kut kut dia baca mana tau, nanti dia perasan haha) kawan mat salleh Muslim dari negara Uncle Sam yang rapat dengan saya (sampai balik sini dia pernah "visit" saya dua kali dan ajak kahwin..ha ha http://nurulaishahabraman.blogspot.com/2011/03/one-that-gotscrewed-at.html).Point being: while in Japan, I found the patriotism in me - I had mini Jalur Gemilang on my table (given by my mates when they send me off at the airport as it was the eve of Merdeka), and I come to appreciates Malay food/ my hometown Kelana Jaya or maybe i was just homesick. Either way, I was simply known as "Mareshia-jin" (malaysian in Japanese) yet I was a 'gaijin' (an alien). 

Bachelor degree mates (second batch, after returning from Japan)

Came back in March 2005 but to bad news and challenges at UiTM. Much to my dismayed I had to repeat a semester. prior to Tokyo, was assured that I did not have to (because of the "transition" of studies I can "transfer credits"). BUT that wasn't the case when I got back home. Devastated I was in the dark. The thoughts of going through a whole semester again akin to being "demoted" and joining my "juniors" whom I knew none - was scary. Also there was that part where my transportation to class was being compromised. Prior to Japan, I had the privilege to car-pool with my classmates either Safuan or Fariza (an ancient friend from primary & secondary days). Then suddenly I find myself struggling to go to class. Dad could not send me as he had to go back to work (after retiring) due to unforeseen circumstances. And so, that old 'boifen tinggal' I - now husband, came to the rescue. Always there, loyal for me, waiting. He did the most sweetest and surprising thing for me. He gave up his only car for my convenience and bought himself a scooter instead. 

Of course fresh from Tokyo with a prospect of a mat salleh wooing me instead of Kulim born guy, I was not convince to take up his gestures. Ha ha. mak ngada2 lah sapa taknak mat salleh kan. BUT at the same time I have no options. So I just took his offer knowing well that he wanted more - wants to get serious with me. It was not until an incident happened and largely persuasion from my sisters that kept pestering me to get serious with him because of his sincerity - I remember Along said "Dik, mana ada lelaki sanggup susah-payah gitu, dia berhujan berpanas pergi kerja untuk kasik kau pakai kereta" and I remember I would retaliate "but dia tak hensem aar...dia tak kelakar...dia tak itu ini etc." Soon I gave in to the idea, and give this guy a chance. Cut long story short, at end of 2005 with the blessings and excitement of my family pushing my now husband to make the move - we got engaged. Ha ha. I remember my 2nd sister - Kak Teh was super excited. She woke me up on the day I had my final exams to tell me that she have thought of the color theme - purple! I remember I did not do much, everything was done by my sis and mom. And I went to choose my ring. The ring was really nice though and quite expensive.

work mates: TV9 news

Then after degree, I got to work with TV9. My first serious job. I was lucky though that I secured that job even before I finish my final exams! I started work right after my final paper was over. Did not have any rest. 1 December 2006 - 30 June 2010. The best times too in my life. Many things happen no doubt. Many challenges. On a personal level, my engagement then was "rocky" soon after I started work. Ha ha. BUT after 3 years, I finally tied the knot on 7 March 2008. Yeap, just one day before polling day. This time, with maturity, and experiences working as journo - the exposure one gets to current issues - I found my nationalism and patriotism increased. BUT I wasn't such Ultra Malay or UMNO die hard fans. In fact I remember debating with my boss back then on the first political assignment I did - the Ijok by-election 2010 whereby TS Khalid Ibrahim (PKR) vs K. Parthiban (MIC), I had to do a stand-upper. I remember vividly with my yellowy t-shirt I said my lines something along the following:

"Thus it is up to the voters here at Ijok to choose their future - either BN or PKR, the choice is yours of whom you should vote to bring development and deliver their promises and choose wisely"

Although this clip was not live, but my boss did not actually see the videos (although I wrote in the script thus they should have known and opposed when they could), it went on-air. And I remember my bosses then were slapping their foreheads and my deputy in chief (then) came to have a talk with me. I stood on my convictions that I did not say anything bad. I debated that what I said was "neutral" and "fair" the way a journalist should be (or shouldn't they?). Anyway, my boss then talked about the concept of media ownership etc. and asked me to not repeat such lines again. 

Anyway, wow what a digression from the first paragraph. Point being? Point am trying to convey is this: look at the pattern of my life. from primary, was so integrated with other races that I did not think of others of being "other races" you know. to me they were all my friends and I liked them all. Then came high school, my integration with the "others" slightly decreases - even more so throughout 2 final years of my high school life - in Form 4 & 5 - only one nonMalay in my class - Kiranjit. There rest were Malays. My integration decreases further yet I still did not think of "others" being "others". 

Then came UiTM. dip years was monkey years basically. No "others" of others - just me and boifee that time. yes in dreamy land. So dip years does not count. 

Then deg years - revelations. maturity. a bit...starting to feel the "Malayness". BUT still apolitcal.

Then Tokyo times - feeling international, finding patriotism. Starting to appreciate Malaysia. 

Then working life in a Malay newsroom. 100% malay. with 100% supporting govt. beginning to not be apolitical BUT am still not understanding the need to "support" Malay.

Then...oh boy then came postgrad studies. In all honesty, I find my "malay" revelations during these past 3 years of MA studies. I had to do a lot of malaysian political readings and Malaysian historical backgrounds. I learn about the constitution, i read about 13 May - from all angles possibly mind you. And I become nationalistic! My revelations shaped my political opinions - the historical readings of pre-merdeka and early merdeka shaped my opinions and not current blogs/ online media. If anything the blogs and online media today just helps to reaffirms the fact that what written and predicted in the books - of Malay losing the political power one day. I am not saying that all chinese are bad, again as written before and would reiterate again - only the DAP is bad and will always be. And those Chinese who voted for DAP without being a formal member of the party - are not at faults in entirety. They voted what they believed in and they voted DAP because of the blatant lies DAP has been spewing, indoctrinating them all these years about the other parties, especially the ruling coalition - that Malays are bad, UMNO is shit. I agree that GE13 was a Chinese Tsunami but I also subscribed to the idea that it was equally an urban Tsunami. and this is what I fret about - the "urban" class - the ones exposed to "truths", online media - voted for DAP be it Malays or naturally Chinese.  "truths" these days are only "perceptions" made easily available to many disseminated by reckless, irresponsible hate-mongers online.

And why do Malays would want to vote DAP? and this is what making my heart sinks. Even my brother is accepting DAP - accepting the lies that Kit Siang is the good guy and Dr. M the evil one. As I said before, if Malays want to vote PAS it's fine but to vote PAS because of advancing ISLAMIC values within the PR coalition? like seriously?  refer to last post I don't know. However, I do know that while UMNO is not perfect, UMNO is the choice for now - simply because the alternatives are not convincing enough. And UMNO should, MUST reform. but then again, seeing the new cabinet line-up, there isn't much excitement there to begin with. Same ol faces are there, some credible (KJ although i don't think he should be the Youth Minister), but many are rather a disappointment. that hindraf leader for example. and why no Wanita UMNO representation in the cabinet?? come on lah PM, the women are the backbone of UMNO, look who's fighting your battle during campaign trails? it's not PEMUDA, it's the Wanita. the kaum Ibu2. tackle the women, tackle them wisely. It's time to give back for all those long years of loyalty. 

Am not too sure about the reconciliation though. Too much animosity. And don't arrest Anwar although he very much wants that attention. don't give him that, let him rant, let him scream. sooner or later he'll tire out just as the crowd of most rational PR supporters in general are beginning to feel and he knows this. that's why he's instigating to anwarinas for a possible arrest. Anwar, you only lived once of that powerful support in 1998. it ain't gonna happen again, and the thing of asking the US to come intervene? That wasn't slick dude. that wasn't sexy. that was a big whoop.

Alas, I don't know. PostGE13 is more confusing than before. Thought making a decision of whom to vote is hard, but this...continuing to live while the politicians remain adamant in their bickering, playing my words against yours game...I don't know. It's tiring. perhaps it is time to let article 153 go? perhaps it is time to let UMNO/MCA/MIC open to all races? perhaps it is time to really take that 1 malaysia slogan to the heart? Perhaps it is time to have that 10% nonMalay in UiTM? (although there are nonMalays (Sabah & Sarawakians particularly so I dont see the fuss). Let's all wait and see. 

Your past never defines your future, so they say

Salam.

Thinks after almost over two weeks now, it's time to move on with our lives and push aside all things politics, at least for now. Shelves it up, till about year 2017-2018...we can recollect the memories of the GE13.

Yesterday (Thursday 16 May) was Teacher's Day. Of course after high school, I've never "celebrate" the day, never wish any teachers, never give away gifts. The last time I remember doing those things was in Form 4 - of course in school, I think Teacher's Day are "enforce" to us - mandatory celebrations. Like the teachers have to actually remind the pupils that there is a DAY for them to be appreciated, to give presents, souvenirs - evidence for all their handwork in educating us. Like anything "enforce" without real understanding as to why we are supposed to do a particular thing, in this context, the celebrations of Teacher's Day - the conduct of celebrating was nothing more than that - celebration. It was an "off-day" at school, with lotsa activities. It is always a fun day.

In today's world, with the connectivity at your fingertips - everyone is showing appreciation for their teachers for the world to see on Facebook or Twitter, just to name a few. Declaring self for your circle of friends to see, how sensitive and grateful you are to your teachers. Some I see posting the names of their teachers - if there's anything, I am amazed they can still remember their names. BUT I personally think, all these 'bearing your soul' on the net, tagging names of those people you rarely 'chat with' or even funnier, tagging names of those people that does not even have any social media account - all too 'glossy' and fabricated for me. BUT then again, each to its own. Perhaps, there are people who is really sincere about the feelings and just expressive.

I - of course am grateful to my teachers too. till date, there are few, significant faces and names of my teachers/lect that can conjure up the feelings of gratefulness and happiness of being in school/uni. BUT I was never a teacher's pet, lecturer's pet etc. And don't think I was ever popular at school/ uni. And I have never kept a personal relationship with my teachers - never the kind that would knock on the teacher's door after class/ lectures, never really stopped and chatted with them outside of campus - if I ever bumped into them, it would only be that awkward silence or just a simple, out of respect smile and a slight nod of acknowledgement. That was it. Not too sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

Now in grad studies - with thesis supervision, I am still keeping that distance, though I know I  shouldn't have. I don't know how to 'appear' enthusiastic about studies by showing up often on their doors, or 'spamming' their emails with 'burning' questions sans 'real' substance except that - but I applaud those who do. I know some of my friends keep that style of relationship with their teachers/lect and inevitably able to keep good grades, partly because of that. After all, teachers/lect are only humans. Sometimes we need to coax them a lil bit, show some appreciation that they're superior and the master of know-it-all. That they are in charge.

Anyway, point am getting into is this. After almost 3 years (yes that is long), insyaAllah am submitting my final work. As expected, with the recently concluded GE13, I still have to amend some parts of the work - by adding the aftermath scenario of GE13 into the work. I knew that. I knew that was coming and expected of me. BUT what is a bit nerve-wrecking, quite a few lect I know of at my fac when I bumped into them are excited about my work - as they all think it's very 'in-trend' now and 'hotly debated'. Which sums the whole point of that nervousness - high expectation during my candidature defense I reckon. Seriously, I am worried of yet becoming a disappointment, again - not to everyone else but to me.

I honestly don't know what will become of my fate after submission. If I ever get there as planned, I will be forever thankful. Not because where it ends, but the fact it ends. Sure I want and hope the end is the sweetest ends. But at this juncture, I no longer put up high hopes. Just letting it be. With all said and done, if there's anything I can put my blame on is me - I am my own destruction, my sin for this delay is the fact I was not being selfish enough. NOT BRAVE enough to be SELFISH enough. Since year one of my studies, when every hiccups encountered, I gave in. I gave in to my surroundings, to my life, to people matters most around me. I never thought of myself. I only thought of pleasing others, of being there for them because all those year I was working as a journo, I never did enough.

Then 2nd year came - more hiccups and tribulations. I was without my domestic help. Mostly worried about the care of my only 1 1/2 year child. It was devastating. Then more waves of trouble.  The child was unwell. Amidst all this, there was that sad and wrenching predicament of my parents - with Dad diagnosed with cancer, and that issue with the No.29. *sigh* My 2nd layer of support system - the parents - was also fighting to 'stay afloat' with themselves. I couldn't possibly trouble them more with my problems. Thus, I had to 'fight' alone while at the same time appear strong for the parents and assisting them with anything I could. And I did. I put my 'burden' on the backbench and carried theirs. Although I could never lifted all of them, I did my small part as that of a child. At this point, trouble for me - escalates. Academia was halted. With my then, SV who was unwell and took that as my own reason to 'escape' from reality and play that 'obedient' and 'supportive' child to my parents.

Finally, 3rd year knocks on me - more suffocating than ever. Third year, in terms of that comfortable monthly stipends, was gone. I was suicidal. I am so ready to give it all up and move on. Hence, I again find a sort of "escapism" from reality. I went to work. Working at that NGO was one of the mistakes I did. It was akin to adding salt to my already infected, squirming with worms wound. I begin to lose my grip.

Alas, this is MAY 2013. It's my MAYday. I should be finding that exit doors and distress button. Honestly, I picked up my pieces starting last February. After that horrendous episodes with that NGO - I only managed to bring myself together in Feb. Then came March. Little child was sick again. Had to take 'one month off' - I wanted so bad to be selfish at this point. BUT how could I? Then came April. Parliament was dissolved. Knew my time is up. Knew all that efforts are in jeopardy. Knew I got to have more amendments to that already dreary work. And now is MAYday.

Candidature defense on 14 June.
Submission, around end June / mid July.
Results? August. and so my time bomb will finally explode then, along with me most possibly. Nonetheless, am keeping my faith. Leaving it all up to Allah. Hopefully, all those time I was not being selfish and doing good deeds to others - will be paid. Just this once.

Jul 2010 -Jul 2011
Jul 2011 - Jul 2012
Jul 2012 - Jul 2013

The bloody July. Never had liked July anyways. LOL.

PS: despite everything, I am thankful for my SV. the first and the current, especially. The first for 'choosing' me amongst others and decided to "ditched" me when I needed SV most, and without the courtesy of informing. The current, for 'choosing' me when no one did, when I sat depressed on a chair in that small fac's office with eyes red, crying; my current SV chose to cared, chose to asked about my predicament then, chose to listened to this sordid student whom he never taught in class, and subsequently chose to replaced that void the last SV did to me..all that  out of love for teaching I guess. And because of that, after almost 14 years leaving high school, after 14 years not recording any appreciation to any teachers, I wished this SV yesterday a Happy Teacher's Day. And gave him a box of cupcakes, with flavours I loved most. That's just my little token of appreciation for you sir. Hope you enjoyed them (I know you would never read this blog anyway, but just in case you did you know now).