When The Wait Is Over...Almost.

Salaam.

It has been awhile since me last update. This blog has been collecting cobwebs (virtual that is) ever since...and from the last entry until today, there has been many happenings, good and bad...but mostly average good, even when it is bad, I'd still count me blessings, Alhamdulillah.

Some of you folks blog for audience, traffics, attention, money, fame etc. Be as it may, I blog for myself. I do realise that I don't have any (or lack of) audience, traffics etc. but that isn't the reason for me ramblings here on the websphere. I blog,  admittedly, for my own records. For myself, reminiscing me past happenings, and future aspirations. Just for me. WHILE there could be times, I get rare visitor(s) commenting about a certain post, that doesn't change the perspectives of my reason getting into blogging.

Anyhow, that's aside. This entry is going to be quite a lengthy one.

Since July 2010, my obsession/focus has been on graduating, preferably on time. Of course that didn't happen, unfortunately (or fortunately, only Allah knows best). Then, from around end of 2011, I have been obsessing and stressing out on finishing the dreadful thesis. Was lucky to get an extension (full paid) however, as fate has it for me...that also didn't work out to my advantage. And from then on (July 20120, it was painful journey ALL ALONG, without the cushiony monthly stipends, stressing out about replacing SV, stressing out about writing, stressing out about everything. LIFE was HARD for me. Only Allah knows. Often times I break in tears, giving up hopes (and I did give up). Emotionless, sedentary just dazed out. And for the past 7-10 months, was crazy. Everything it seems, happened around the same time to me. Everything big. Alas, I finally get my VIVA done end of May, and passed with excellent comments from all three examiners. That was pure relief. BUT feels surreal about it all. The thesis STILL got 10% work before printing (UM way of submission - student has to present twice; proposal & defense, after which, if pass, got to print and submit within 3 months for checks with soft bound copy, wait for another 1-2 months for final verdicts and PRINT hard bound copy before the senate grants you a pass).

My family was rejoicing the fact that I passed my VIVA. BUT I, deep inside knew, the end wasn't as easy. As such, I wasn't that happy. And just between VIVA and more stressing out mode, I found out.....I am PREGNANT! I wasn't thrilled at all. I always had a family plan, at least mentally. From the first birth, I knew I wanted to wait for another tot. Reason: juggling work as student, mommy wasn't easy, as this blog has it...let alone, another edition to the family...will make it worse for me. Then came 2013, my first child is already four years old, my older sister has another baby after 7 years...and suddenly the sight of a newborn excites my hubby and me (though I am still adamant about my little family planning and made this known to my hub). He was supportive of my plan yet he is also contemplating about adding another child.

His reasons: our first born is old enough and in need of a sibling ie. she's lonely, need a friend, kept talking to herself etc.

My reasons: Can't have another baby at the moment. Am not ready, am not financially independent, student life still a mess. Thesis unsettled. BUT mostly, AM not working (this is my biggest concern).

Of course hub says, I can't state money as reason for denying the chance to have another baby. He even said that is against the principle of beliefs in line with Islam that with every child, there will be blessings / prosperity that comes along with it. Prosperity or rezeki as Malay refers it. One just have to belief in that. Of course being the liberal me, I debated him. Not to be a disbeliever, but am being realistic...money IS important in bringing another life onto this world. IT IS COSTLY to have kid these days. Added to that, all my first born's baby items has been given to my niece and some (the bulky and important ones) have been returned to my older sister since she's having that new baby again....I argued to hub that we will need to start from scratch. It is all over again. AND that will costs us, rather costs him. Since he is the only breadwinner now. BUT hub, being the every optimistic, strong believer, only says "Insya-ALLAH (god willing), all will be ease for us, you have to believe dear".

Wow. what a digression. More on baby stories next. So, the thesis....amid my "unprepared-shocked-pregnancy" news, thesis was halted even further just after the rejoicing news of VIVA. BECAUSE, with this pregnancy, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetic mellitus (GDM), a diabetic condition common among pregnant women, at least. For more on GDM I was diagnosed as early as 9 weeks! That was just before Ramadhan, and you could imagine my horror and sadness. I was never diabetic although diabetes runs in my family (from my Dad's side). I guess, it is just a matter of time before it happened to me. BUT I was still devastated. My first thought, am going to be on insulin (god forbids) and that scares the shit out of me. I can't bare the thoughts of self-injecting myself with a syringe of insulin, everyday. Furthermore, with GDM means I have to be on a strict diet control; no sugar, less carb = NO tasty food. AND mind you it was almost ramadhan....a month where food is abundance, good food!

To derail my focus from thesis further, with GDM means I had to meet the antenatal visits twice a week, at two different clinics. One in the regular government family clinic PKD KJ, another in government hospital Sg Buloh. Twice a week of visits means fingers poking more for blood, urinating in cups and just the long wait for a brief, most of the time disappointing consultation session with NURSE.

My stress level was crazy. I was down low. Because of GDM, I lost my weight and has not gained any ever since (at 9 weeks).

Because of GDM, I couldn't fast. I missed the whole ramadhan. To me, lost of energy, and couldn't cope because of the strict diet and there's the morning sickness and all.

THESE reasons ultimately make me lose faith on thesis and I just want to slump in my chair all day long despite knowing well I need to make it to print.

And Syawal came. Before long, it was Eid-Fitr. Month of rejoice. For me, I wasn't that happy. As if things were not bad enough, just 2 days before Eid, I got a devastating call from my scholarship sponsor. So devastating it made me feel that ending my life would be the best choice. Yes, I was that depressed by the call. Thus, Eid was nothing, no joy, nothing to be happy about, for the foolish me. I sink further into the abyss of sadness and self-pity. So much so, I even refused to grant my hub his wish to visit his hometown i.e.. mom, family for Eid, as usual practice has it. I just did not want to go anywhere except be within the comfort of my own family, my mom, my dad, my family. Others, for me, can go to he**.

I got no courage to finish the final 10% of thesis. I gave up.

Until...I had my first baby full ultrasound. I see it, fully formed. Though couldn't make out the gender as yet as the baby always in an upside down position, and kicking ever so actively. Despite GDM, the baby is looking good. Fetal growth - normal. I sighed a deep relief of Alhamdulillah. In all my misery, I heard the baby's heart beating for the first time, and I feel like crying. Here I was fretting, stressing out even to a point of blaming this baby for all the mishaps that's happening in my life and failed to see the miracle behind Allah's creation. THIS baby, MY BABY is a gift from Allah. In time of my misery, in time of all things hopeless, Allah give me another life.

That jolts me back to reality. I quickly picked up the pieces, I summoned the courage to finish the unfinished, and finally did it just within a week. Submitted to my dear mr. supervisor who has been wondering of my MIA when I am supposed to end with pride, he checked my work and promised to get back in 3 weeks time. This was right after Eid, somewhere around end of August/ early September. I made a visit to my sponsor, met the person in-charge, showed my reason and pleaded for some leverage...and the rest I just leave it Allah. In my hearts, if this is meant to be, it will be. Kun fa ya kun. If Allah says, be it, it will be. From this point onwards, I got nothing else to do but wait and pray hard.

AND, finally, in mid October...my SV got back to me and give a thumbs up for the thesis for printing. My reaction was, relief, yet I am worried if he was being too lenient to me. BUT he reiterated that the work is commendable, my hard work showed, and he was pleased with it. Alhamdulillah. I drove home, with tears in my eyes, envisioning the end of my journey, my graduation in October 2014, Insya-ALLAH.

BUT as I am about to submit, found out that I need to forked out RM1100 for semester's fees (again?) and RM1000 submission fees. My heart just broke. With a burnt pocket, even my "savings" in my piggy wouldn't suffice by half. I was in dilemma in between asking for help from my siblings or my parents (all of them I knew well will be hard to ask favours from, except mom but mom....I just couldn't ask from...as she isn't working). the other alternative, even thought of selling my beloved Macbook Pro to make ends meet. Or my jewelry. Pawn it all, I figured. That ought to be enough. OF course hub was against all this. Thus, hub, feeling obligated as the other half of my life, gave me that extra RM needed for my school fees, something of which I feel awful of. I mean, on top of me not working for the past 3 years, he has taken over all my monthly bills, giving me extra "pocket allowance" and every whims and needs I had..and now that we're expecting another baby, I feel bad that he'll need to cover the whole expense. As such, "asking" from him for "my mistake", "my additional need" that is not his, I feel wrong. TO HUB, thank you sayang. I promised, I will make it up to you, Insya-ALLAH.

The end (almost, this is a soft-bound copy version) of my thesis. The "fruit" of 2 years of waiting.

However, as luck would have it, I found out that I needn't pay that extra RM1000 for submission fees as it was covered in my scholarship. Alhamdulillah. And in the heat of the day at UM, walking to and fro from one building to another, from one floor to another (no elevators), with my bloated self, I was thirsty as hell when I stumbled upon a vending machine with only sugary drinks available, I thought "Oh no!" but I was thirsty, really thirsty, I could die (ok exaggeration, but I was all tired). Chose iced-tea, and drank half of it before I felt dizzy with the sugar (for someone who hasn't been drinking full sugary drinks, after a while your body tend not to recognise large amount of sugar intake...thus when you do consume sugar, you got "Sugar-rush"). The iced-tea made me feel even weaker and sick. And while huffing and puffing, one kind soul at the HQ faculty, gave me a bottle of mineral water (after I related to her my quest for a mineral water or any non-sugary drink). I felt like crying, again. Alhamdulillah. To that kind soul, may Allah bless you. 

All in all, I finally submitted the thesis last 29 OCT. and according to my SV and if luck is on my side, the marking will only take a month. BUT if not, it will take latest 3 months (god forbids). either way, I truly hope for a pass (in UM only pass with minor or major corrections or fail). And that will take me into my last leg of pregnancy months. Somewhere in December (hope hope hope) or January. If January, I will be a busy bee then, preparing for birth, possibly already at my mom's place. So any "minor corrections" will be difficult to achieved with a baby on its way out. O Allah, make it easy for me...Allahumma yassir wala tu assir. 

In sum, I got nothing much to fret about this journey. It hasn't been smooth as others would have it. Mine is stumbling block of one after another. What I do fret is just that whatever I have sent in, the work was already 60% done even way back in June 2011. Unfortunately, as fate would have it, I didn't have a "smooth" ride with my previous SV as she was sick, intermittently on leave until she took unpaid leave in the end, right about August 2012. Thus, this 60% was just sitting idly for one whole year....until around October 2012 when I got a new SV. and from Oct 2012 to May 2013, that was when it showed progress. IF ONLY my SV wasn't sick, probably I got a better push at my work, better supervision, better input thus would not have dragged this long. 

BUT even then, I can't blame the SV only. I know, I have myself to blame. Truth is, my fault is that I wasn't STRONG ENOUGH TO BE SELFISH ENOUGH. From the get-go, July 2010, everything started to rumble a bit. Dad got cancer, then the devastating news about the state of my mom's house, then two of my maids run off, my daughter keeps falling sick intermittently pushing me to not send her to any nanny or nursery. My life as a student was focus by NOT STUDYING instead on the need of my DAUGHTER, MY PARENTS and my household. I PUT MY STUDY ON HOLD. I thought I was a superwoman, I thought I could juggle it all. BUT ALAS, I couldn't. Almost falter even. 

I started my student life as a young first time mother to a very young child. My Raihanna was barely 1 year when I started out. I remember getting this scholarship, attending the interview when I was heavily 8 months pregnant. And now, I am about to end it with another child. Being heavily pregnant again. The works of Allah indeed has its own mystery. And it will be unfolding soon. To the end of a new beginning, Insya-ALLAH I can only hope. HOPE, HOPE, HOPE. 

Along this journey, I have "lost" a few friends, one friend in particular I actually have lost, as she passed due to cancer, others "lost" as in failing to "recognise" me anymore. Some, looked at me differently, with their judging eyes that I took so long to finish. Only a few good ones stand to be the encouraging, motivating, understanding souls. To these few good ones, I vow to always have you folks in my hearts, and will always be your friends, returning the gestures the favours when in need. Doesn't matter, if I lose some few friends, most importantly I didn't lose the important ones in my life - MY FAMILY. 

To dear hub, I've had my doubts about you regarding this whole episode of my student life, there had been a few "turbulences" especially the early years, but it turns out, you came to your senses and showed your support when I needed most. When I was at my most vulnerable state. Sayang Mohd Redzuan Abdul Manap , thank you for everything and forgive me for all the bad things I did and say to you. May we live years of blissful wedded life, you being the Imam of our prayers and the responsible father to our children. Amin Ya Rabb.  (Disclaimer: I don't think my hub ever reads my blog, or if he's even aware of its existence...nevertheless, it is here, hub, in case I am gone one day, my words "engraved" to the cyber world, in bits and bytes for all to see and for posterity). 

Your past never defines your future, so they say

Salam.

Thinks after almost over two weeks now, it's time to move on with our lives and push aside all things politics, at least for now. Shelves it up, till about year 2017-2018...we can recollect the memories of the GE13.

Yesterday (Thursday 16 May) was Teacher's Day. Of course after high school, I've never "celebrate" the day, never wish any teachers, never give away gifts. The last time I remember doing those things was in Form 4 - of course in school, I think Teacher's Day are "enforce" to us - mandatory celebrations. Like the teachers have to actually remind the pupils that there is a DAY for them to be appreciated, to give presents, souvenirs - evidence for all their handwork in educating us. Like anything "enforce" without real understanding as to why we are supposed to do a particular thing, in this context, the celebrations of Teacher's Day - the conduct of celebrating was nothing more than that - celebration. It was an "off-day" at school, with lotsa activities. It is always a fun day.

In today's world, with the connectivity at your fingertips - everyone is showing appreciation for their teachers for the world to see on Facebook or Twitter, just to name a few. Declaring self for your circle of friends to see, how sensitive and grateful you are to your teachers. Some I see posting the names of their teachers - if there's anything, I am amazed they can still remember their names. BUT I personally think, all these 'bearing your soul' on the net, tagging names of those people you rarely 'chat with' or even funnier, tagging names of those people that does not even have any social media account - all too 'glossy' and fabricated for me. BUT then again, each to its own. Perhaps, there are people who is really sincere about the feelings and just expressive.

I - of course am grateful to my teachers too. till date, there are few, significant faces and names of my teachers/lect that can conjure up the feelings of gratefulness and happiness of being in school/uni. BUT I was never a teacher's pet, lecturer's pet etc. And don't think I was ever popular at school/ uni. And I have never kept a personal relationship with my teachers - never the kind that would knock on the teacher's door after class/ lectures, never really stopped and chatted with them outside of campus - if I ever bumped into them, it would only be that awkward silence or just a simple, out of respect smile and a slight nod of acknowledgement. That was it. Not too sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

Now in grad studies - with thesis supervision, I am still keeping that distance, though I know I  shouldn't have. I don't know how to 'appear' enthusiastic about studies by showing up often on their doors, or 'spamming' their emails with 'burning' questions sans 'real' substance except that - but I applaud those who do. I know some of my friends keep that style of relationship with their teachers/lect and inevitably able to keep good grades, partly because of that. After all, teachers/lect are only humans. Sometimes we need to coax them a lil bit, show some appreciation that they're superior and the master of know-it-all. That they are in charge.

Anyway, point am getting into is this. After almost 3 years (yes that is long), insyaAllah am submitting my final work. As expected, with the recently concluded GE13, I still have to amend some parts of the work - by adding the aftermath scenario of GE13 into the work. I knew that. I knew that was coming and expected of me. BUT what is a bit nerve-wrecking, quite a few lect I know of at my fac when I bumped into them are excited about my work - as they all think it's very 'in-trend' now and 'hotly debated'. Which sums the whole point of that nervousness - high expectation during my candidature defense I reckon. Seriously, I am worried of yet becoming a disappointment, again - not to everyone else but to me.

I honestly don't know what will become of my fate after submission. If I ever get there as planned, I will be forever thankful. Not because where it ends, but the fact it ends. Sure I want and hope the end is the sweetest ends. But at this juncture, I no longer put up high hopes. Just letting it be. With all said and done, if there's anything I can put my blame on is me - I am my own destruction, my sin for this delay is the fact I was not being selfish enough. NOT BRAVE enough to be SELFISH enough. Since year one of my studies, when every hiccups encountered, I gave in. I gave in to my surroundings, to my life, to people matters most around me. I never thought of myself. I only thought of pleasing others, of being there for them because all those year I was working as a journo, I never did enough.

Then 2nd year came - more hiccups and tribulations. I was without my domestic help. Mostly worried about the care of my only 1 1/2 year child. It was devastating. Then more waves of trouble.  The child was unwell. Amidst all this, there was that sad and wrenching predicament of my parents - with Dad diagnosed with cancer, and that issue with the No.29. *sigh* My 2nd layer of support system - the parents - was also fighting to 'stay afloat' with themselves. I couldn't possibly trouble them more with my problems. Thus, I had to 'fight' alone while at the same time appear strong for the parents and assisting them with anything I could. And I did. I put my 'burden' on the backbench and carried theirs. Although I could never lifted all of them, I did my small part as that of a child. At this point, trouble for me - escalates. Academia was halted. With my then, SV who was unwell and took that as my own reason to 'escape' from reality and play that 'obedient' and 'supportive' child to my parents.

Finally, 3rd year knocks on me - more suffocating than ever. Third year, in terms of that comfortable monthly stipends, was gone. I was suicidal. I am so ready to give it all up and move on. Hence, I again find a sort of "escapism" from reality. I went to work. Working at that NGO was one of the mistakes I did. It was akin to adding salt to my already infected, squirming with worms wound. I begin to lose my grip.

Alas, this is MAY 2013. It's my MAYday. I should be finding that exit doors and distress button. Honestly, I picked up my pieces starting last February. After that horrendous episodes with that NGO - I only managed to bring myself together in Feb. Then came March. Little child was sick again. Had to take 'one month off' - I wanted so bad to be selfish at this point. BUT how could I? Then came April. Parliament was dissolved. Knew my time is up. Knew all that efforts are in jeopardy. Knew I got to have more amendments to that already dreary work. And now is MAYday.

Candidature defense on 14 June.
Submission, around end June / mid July.
Results? August. and so my time bomb will finally explode then, along with me most possibly. Nonetheless, am keeping my faith. Leaving it all up to Allah. Hopefully, all those time I was not being selfish and doing good deeds to others - will be paid. Just this once.

Jul 2010 -Jul 2011
Jul 2011 - Jul 2012
Jul 2012 - Jul 2013

The bloody July. Never had liked July anyways. LOL.

PS: despite everything, I am thankful for my SV. the first and the current, especially. The first for 'choosing' me amongst others and decided to "ditched" me when I needed SV most, and without the courtesy of informing. The current, for 'choosing' me when no one did, when I sat depressed on a chair in that small fac's office with eyes red, crying; my current SV chose to cared, chose to asked about my predicament then, chose to listened to this sordid student whom he never taught in class, and subsequently chose to replaced that void the last SV did to me..all that  out of love for teaching I guess. And because of that, after almost 14 years leaving high school, after 14 years not recording any appreciation to any teachers, I wished this SV yesterday a Happy Teacher's Day. And gave him a box of cupcakes, with flavours I loved most. That's just my little token of appreciation for you sir. Hope you enjoyed them (I know you would never read this blog anyway, but just in case you did you know now).

Summoning the Inner Energy

OK. why is it when it comes to worldly things or "laro" stuffs we can get easily addicted or even would bust our arses off in accomplishing them out? BUT when it comes to pressing matters like in my case Thesis- i just hate it.

2. Seriously i need divine help. I've been stuck in gear 2 eversince end of June and this ain't good for me.

3. Am doing something about blogosphere because i figured that it'd be easier for me as well i am a blogger myself (OK tau tak hebat pun) but you know, i think i got the basic understanding of what a blog is about ...

4. then infused it with political things (as that is the subject matter that i'm required to do for my scholarship fulfillment)

5. then.........as if that is not enough, i gotta think something to connect the subject of interest (or more like subject of compulsory) to the courses that i've been undergoing..

6. the concoction: i came up with socio-political blogs & national security/political stability.

7. OK. so it is NOT something extraordinary. Probably even too mundane to discuss or finding out to some.

8. MY justification is: go low as this is only partial requirement of my MA in Strategic & Defence Studies..you know in other words; as i've been ranting and raving previously , i am RUNNING out of time as such I AM NOT gonna delve into HUGE IDEAS to save-the-world-mission based issues. that would be disastrous for me.

9. BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT just as i thought i've got everything covered, in fact was so euphoric that after my proposal's submission, i've got great reviews and a good-to-go signal from the SV without much adjustments- but yes, how me joy is shortlived.

10. thought i was going to make things easier for me, but SV asked to review 15 blogs in a span of 2 years! (i've iniatially proposed for 10 blogs in a year period)

11. NOW PROBLEM is what constitutes a blog to be anti-government, pro-government or the most difficult of all and causing me the halt = how to define a NEUTRAL stance bloggers to the establishment??????????

12. until i get this figured out, i am stuck in gear 2 forever.

13. hellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllp