Being consistently inconsistent

Consistently inconsistent is such an oxymoron just as my life is at this moment. These days I drink decaf coffee, unsweetened chocolates, at the living end of my journey as postgrad that is hardly easy, and here I am baring it all as an open secret.

I reckon these past 2 1/2 years being out of "real job" and surviving on (at least until last july 2012) monthly stipends from a scholarship (though was quite a lucrative sum, alhamdulillah) I must say, I have been consistently inconsistently resting on my laurels which resulted to those time wasted (occupied with other matters than studying) finally takes its toll on me - I am fatso.

Unlike most ladies, I actually mean that. You know, that I acknowledge the fact that I am fat and utterly despise anyone who thinks that I am looking for sympathy and hopes to be comforted and assured that I am not fat whenever I say that I am.

Nor do I appreciate such blunt honesty from strangers or person of mere acquaintance to say that I've gained weight or my arse is a size of a jumbo jet. No sir, I don't condone that total act of contemptuous rudeness. As a result, I've never reciprocate such vile things to others, knowing well it'll irks them as it would for me.

Of course, the only exception is when you know me well or in you're within that circle of trust - your frankness to remark about my body mass is tolerable. Point is, am gaining weight more than I should which I am fully aware of and I ain't going to be pretentious about it. I own these cheese under the skins.

However, having all these cheese culminates in cardiac arrest. I know heavy people are usually those lack in physical fitness that could result to health deteriorations. Never thought I'd have that problems. Apparently, I was wrong, quite wrong.

Into the sun

Last Thursday, while relaxing in front of the tele, hands scrolling down my FB feeds, suddenly, just suddenly, without warning, I got heart palpitations. My heart was beating really fast, unlike the usual palpitation attacks that only lasted less than 5 minutes - this one was longer, painful, almost suffocating, trembling, and shivering. I honestly thought, "Oh God! This can't be heart attack, can it?" I watched helplessly my daughter who was oblivious of my episodes and worries of the ugly consequences that might follow should this in fact turn out to be, ugly heart attacks or any kind of 'attacks'. After trying to remain calm and breath slowly, the pain does not subside, I decided to grab the keys and make the run for CLINIC!

Drama, drama, drama. While behind the wheels, with my daughter on my side constantly asking "Are you feeling better Mommy?"(yes she actually said that in English), I started to think what if I couldn't make it in time and something really bad happen to me? That scares the shit out of me. Na'uzubillah. Finally what seems to be a short, 5 minutes drive, feels the longest 5 minutes of my life. I parked the car and got out quickly while grabbing the hand of my very well behaved (amazingly) and concerned daughter.

While waiting, I tried to remain calm. And just before the doctor's door opened, that scary palpitations STOPPED! Relief but then I felt "Oh good god. Now the doc would prolly thinks this is all fake". The consultation with Dr. Norazlina was good and she was genuinely concerned with me - however as this was only a standard clinic, no stress test was given to determine whether it was a heart attack. She did however assessed that I might have thyroid instead.

NOW, thyroid? Isn't as fancy as heart attack - but I argued with her how can that be as I don't have any swelling under the chin, no enlargement around the neck, no menstrual irregularities. In lieu I questioned her diagnosis "you sure it was nothing to do with heart attacks? As I felt pretty much like that". She checked me again "yes, your heart does beat fast..slightly above 100". Ah, a tachycardia, I told myself. Perhaps able to see to read my face that goes 'hah told you so' - she retorted "I'd still think it's thyroid nonetheless I suggest you take a blood test". Ah, come on doc, can't admit that you're wrong, can you. I hesitated at that and finally after a few chats on what triggers these attacks and the possibility of thyroid - I took my leave. Quite disappointed in honesty.

Naturally, I don't go to her the next day for that blood test. I am being recalcitrant.

I don't believe her. I don't have any thyroid symptoms but I do have a long history of heart palpitations and family history of heart failures/ heart problems. My 36 years old sister have "undecided heart problems" after going through vigorous heart-related medical tests. My mom has had bypass surgery and have heart problems. I noticed one thing very striking of me is that I get easily surprised and my heart will beat faster. Everything that I suffered on that Thursday evening was signs of heart problems - shortness of breath, choke, heavy chest, sweating, dizziness and that the doc said it's thyroid? What ignorance.

Smile even when your heart's crying

One thing for sure, I ain't getting any younger so might as well get healthier. I realised there's just too much to live for, and Na'uzubillah, I don't want to suffer from any attacks-oxygen-deprived and left in a veggie state till my last day. I want to see my daughter grow and possibly have another kid. I want to come out from this mess and stopped being consistent inconsistently avoiding my studies and summons the inner energy and strength to fight this battle of what we call life's struggles.

Tomorrow Is My Turn (InsyaAllah...)

Though some may reach for the stars
Others will end behind bars
What the future has in store no one ever knows before
Yet we would all like the right to find the key to success
That elusive ray of light that will lead to happiness

Tomorrow is my turn
No more doubts no more fears
Tomorrow is my turn
When my luck is returning
All these years I've been learning to save fingers from burning
Tomorrow is my turn
No more doubts no more fears
Tomorrow is my turn to receive without giving 
Make life worth living
Now it's my life I'm living
My only concern for tomorrow is my turn

Now the summer is gone, there's another to come
You can't stop years from drifting by even if you want to try
Though time may help you forget all that has happened before
But honey it's too late to regret what is gone will be no more

Tomorrow is my turn
When my luck is returning
All these years I've been learning to save fingers from burning
Tomorrow is my turn
No more doubts no more fears
Tomorrow is my turn to receive without giving 
Make life worth living
Now it's my life I'm living
My only concern for tomorrow is my turn

When will it be my turn, will it be tomorrow? will tomorrow brings glow, or will it lead to sorrow. I'd like to sow more happiness, to reap even better sweetness. To stop lingering to the pasts and grieving, for what could has been. To look to the future, be a mover. Tomorrow, will it be my turn?

Of course Nina Simone's song is a version of an original French masterpiece , by Charles Aznavour (L'amour Cest Comme Un Jour) that he later recorded with Sting in English entitle "Love Is New Everyday" (inserted below).

While the original versions (both in French and English) were beautifully written, my personal fav and the only fav tunes at this moment in my life is that of Nina's version - her lyrics are somewhat different though she keeps the melody, but must say her version conjures up the feelings I have inside and speaks that of my inner fears and hopes and reasons. Yes, I am a sappy person with a taste of old flavas - I like the classics, I like the pasts, I enjoy the black & whites, grainy films . Man how I was born in a different era. :)

Natsukashii

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you kept dreaming about it until one day, one fine day - that dream becomes a reality? Those magical moments of my life in Nippon for a brief 8 months is that dream that was granted by Allah. 

There can be nothing as magical as that 8 months. I can still vividly recalls the sight, the fresh smell of winter, the lovely autumn breeze, the hot yet merry summer. I can still taste the lovely nihon foods, the scent of 'ocha', the heat of 'onsen', the yummylicious 'oden', gawk at their technological marvels, experience the unpredictable weather, the scary 'jishin' and most of all the super steadfast and dedicated nihonjins with their 'jidensha' - ever helpful sensei, wonderful friends and friendly strangers with their beautiful nihongo.

However, these memories are fast fading away. Some I have forgotten their full names, others I can barely remember. If there is anything I regret about this trip is the fact that I failed to transfer those 8 recorded mini DV tapes to a computer when I had the chance (while working at a tv station) and printing out still pictures while it was still fresh (now I misplace the copies and the tapes are still in tapes. Not sure if it can be transferred). Honto ni natsukashii. This dream is continued, is pursue...in hopes that one day, one fine day, I get to live it again. Revisits those paths, rekindle the friendships. InsyaAllah.

At Karuizawa during fuyu (winter).

One of the earliest picture in nihon. From left far back:- Jessica, Cho Hiromi Sensei, Watashi, Mimura San. Bottom left:  Ken and Tyler.

At Japan's Parliament (diet) building during aki (autumn).

Some of my final pictures hanging out with Cho sensei at Tokyo Daigaku. Eating yaki-imo (ubi panggang).

Trying to make a snow-angel imprint at Nagano.

Opposite Harajuku station.

Of course other than Japan, the second thing I've been dreaming for and have been fulfilled is academia dreams. However this is one dream that is slowly becoming a nightmare (God forbids!). Nevertheless, got to  be a faito, ganbarro for this is just parts and parcels of life. I have been lucky and blessed so far.

Alhamdulillah. Even when times were hard, somehow I managed to bring myself together and reaped the fruits in the end. Whatever I wish and dream and work for - has been granted by the Almighty. Of course the manageable and realistic ones (you know dreaming to marry a Hollywood superstar doesn't count mahupun mimpikan kereta Porche tapi kerja gaji RM3000 je sebulan...macam tu punya mimpi sampai mati takkan dapat capai, kecuali MIRACLE). And even things does not go as planned, I'd still praise Allah for the all the blessings bestowed upon me. Trials and tribulations maketh a stronger person if one believes.

Indeed, Fabi ayyi ala i robbikuma tukadziban (55:15) .فَبِأَىِّ ءَالَآءِ رَبِّكُمَا تُكَذِّبَانِ 

Books galore

After much anticipation and almost 'missed' out on claiming the vouchers (no thanks to lack of information disseminated by the 'whoever'), I got my hands on the 1Malaysia book vouchers worth RM250 allocated for students (and my 'Kad Siswa' too) last Friday. Unlike last year, this time around the faculty were strict in terms of validation and so were two major bookstores that I went to - imposed certain house-rules e.g: a quota of 80% books and 20% stationeries or only 'educational' books valid for redemption). It was much easier last year, in fact I enjoyed last year's voucher with many books (cheapo ones) even got a few for my mom.

Anyway, the following are the bounty I got for this year. Four big chunky books - that I am pretty excited about - two of which I have read thanks to the uni library (and was happily hogging on them of course needed to pay the extra dues). Thus with the free vouchers, I thought it is rightfully I splurge some of the value on these books. The other two- Murakami has always been on my list since early last year but being me, I hold my desire to buy novel because I figured I should be spending on books that I can use for my study instead for leisure reading. While Fukuyama - well, it was the only book at MPH that I thought speaks to me and within my budget (mind you, most books are above RM50) wanted to go for Bob Woodward's Obama: White House thingy - but the only copy available at that time was in hardcover and it is costly! -RM171.

Books galore, almost.

Anyway that is that, of course I will enjoy these, especially Murakami's after thesis submission which I hope is soon. Am so tired looking and re-reading my work. Vomits.

Thank you PM for the vouchers, hopefully if this govt still rules after April 2013 - this vouchers is a continued practice and perhaps might wanna increase the value to say....RM500? :) After all, these four books already costs RM210. Books aren't cheap, trees aren't cheap. 

Uh, and notice I ended up (as always) buying Nihonjin writers. Omoshiroi ne.