Time Limit

Salam.

This is going to be a short one. Just today, after I came back home from work, my husbad related to me a quite sad yet common story. Our friend's sister in-law's passing. A young wife of 29 years of age, she passed on just before sunrise. She was believed to have had a heart attack.

My husband rarely shares story with me. I am not quite sure why this one was important for him to shared, but I reckon it must've been the tragic way ofthe deceased's husband finding out the death of his wife - when he woke up in the morning, just like any other morning or so he thought, before that mad dash to work, he tries to find the wife next to him only to found her already faced-down on the floor next to their bed - all blued, stiff...and cold dead. 

The wife was not suffering any serious health problems, in fact the story goes she was healthy except did complain of being tired and backpain of late...

And then it occurred to me to relate to my husband my story - was quite recent and of late kept happening to me. That I too, had some serious scares of my life! 

In fact just about 5 days ago, when I had to stay up late in my failed attempt to finish some pending work (was staying up late for 3 consecutive days & woke up early each day), one night...after thinking that I had enough of the s**t, I decided to hit the sack at 5.30am BUT only to find that somehow my pulse was beating too fast...I could actually felt the veins near my neck beating fast too...and the veins felt so big, it seems. It was weird thing. Not healthy too...

You know when you've been living your life for 3 decades, and have gone through 2 life-changing traumatic experiences of giving birth, you've gone through that horrible pain of unimaginable ordeal that is labour pain! And this, this heart beating too fast your veins feel like exploding, was something peculiar yet you know it is unnatural and calls for red flags! 

Suddenly I felt like choking, my chest was heavy and I couldn't breathe. I know panicking is the one thing I shouldn't do. Tried calling my husband for help, but he was sound asleep. I knew if this is the way I'd go (God forbids!) I just want yo close my eyes and go quietly - I reached out to touched my youngest girl, just barely 19 months who was sleeping next to me. Her soft tiny hands against mine...I hold her...if I was to go, I wanted to hold her next to me. I shut my eyes and took deep breaths and exhale slowly...it was hard. BUT that tiny hand suddenly moved and my baby rolled herself closer to me (she does that all the time) and I knew I just don't want to go just yet. I want to see her grow. She and her bigger sister. I moved my arm and hugged her while still taking deep breaths  in between - I don't want to die! I sniffed her lovely hair and just kept breathing and thinking of death. And I chant a lil zikir. I prayed Allah don't take me yet. I don't want my babies becoming orphaned at such tender years. 

Of course I woke up in the next 1.5 hours, alhamdulillah. Allah did give me another chance.

This, thing of a sudden heavy-chest, difficulties in breathing and heart's rate like a bullet train, happened quite regularly lately. And it's scary.

I told my husband, one time I tried moving my feet to called him but I couldn't moved. 

And that's the moment that I tell him, if anything bad did happen to me while he was sleeping, and he found me froze the next morning, I want him to know that he shouldn't feel sorry for me. 

My dear husband, if I do go before you, please take care of our daughters. Please don't ever forsake them. Please, as reluctantly I want to say this, find someone who will love them as much as I do (and I hope that you don't find another woman that soon to replace me when I'm dead)...that's painful. 

I know I haven't been the best of a wife and mommy to our kids, BUT I do try. And LOVE them with all my heart.

Dear Raihanna Iman and Raessa Imani, mommy sayang buchuk2 mommy sangat. 

For Kakak Hana, mommy memang cepat marah, but that's because I love you. I want you to be the best of a person you can be. 

For Adik Icha, you're the cutest lil angel. When I was carrying you mommy was diabetic, it was difficult. I couldn't eat much at all and never gained weight - and when we were in labour, it was the easiest part with you Icha sayang. However the doc had to used forceps apparatus to helped with the birth. Because mommy couldn't pushed you out. Was on epidural and already tired after 10 hours of labour. 

Do remember me all my beloveds and hope you will always have me in your hearts forever even when I am long gone from this world.

What does Merdeka means to you

What does 'Merdeka' means to you? 

For me, it has been many. Sure as cliche as it may be, my Merdeka means being freed from foreign rule since 31st August 1957. To be able to wake up & live each day without the fear of guns/bombs is another. 

In my early 20s, my Merdeka means to be able to enjoy free concert on the eve of Merdeka & just loitering around KL till wee hours thinking that is the coolest thing to do (of course that my 'party life' didn't last long...my mom was a fierce mama bear at home).

Then 2004 on the eve of Merdeka, I left my motherland for the first time in my entire life. I could recall in the plane, looking down I felt a teeny lump in my throat, it was an unaccustomed feeling. Was I being patriotic? I looked at the Jalur Gemilang my friends gave me when leaving the airport as a parting memorabilia - they signed & scribbled some well-wishes on it. The next 8 months of my life as an alien (gaijin) that flag kept me company, especially in my time of solitude & feeling terribly homesick sitting at the working table, the flag was next to pictures of all my loved ones, I'd feel that lump in my throat again. This time, that lump and I are tomodachi (friends). 

And in between the years of finding self & adulthood, that patriotism slowly diminishes and before long it's just a distant feeling. Looking at the national flag, it is what it is - flag. Now, where's that lump that used to choke me whenever this nationalistic imagery come into contact with me?

Fast-forward, in my 30s, I found that lump again. My 'merdeka' lump and I reunited after 10 years since its debut in 2004. Now, with two kids, my first born was the one responsible to strike some independence day sense in me. 

Her pure request of getting some mini Jalur Gemilang was denied initially until I gave in to her and bought each one of my nucleus family, a piece that costs only 50 cents each. 

Her innocence towards the meaning of Merdeka slowly made me feel excited again. We both sing in the car, even her younger 1 y.o sis tried to say "eka" short for Merdeka. My daughters and I sing a few rounds of Merdeka song over and over again till our heart's content, a bit off-tune yet we were singing so loudly and happily that my daughter even roll-down the car window and scream "Merdeka" at random people while waving the flag at them (she feels so euphoric having a flag in her hand finally).

Seeing my 6 y.o wholeheartedly celebrating Merdeka made me lumps in the throat again. Suddenly, all of the Merdeka lyrics reverberate deep in me. I want this maintained & treasured forever. 

I want my kids to love and respect this nation so that it will prosper into an even more wonderful Malaysia. 

This love displayed by my daughter who is 6 years old to Malaysia, is unconditional & pure...However, it will be a disgrace if her love and many more innocent souls like her get tainted all thanks to many of the so-called loving mostly young adult Malaysians who wore Yellow (read: Bersih 4.0) today, on the eve of our National Day smearing the country's image under the pretext of saving Malaysia, such a fallacy that needed to be rectify immediately before the damage goes beyond repair.

I am no poet but you're my haley's comet

Although I rarely say I love you,

But do know that deep inside, I do,

For having you is truly a blessing,

Your my other half that has been missing;

Over the years my heart grows fonder,

But it's no wonder,

A father, a husband, a friend & a lover,

You know what tickles my fancy,

What drives me crazy.

Lately I know I am busy,

Forgive me sayang,

Though I appear to be neglecting,

Not an intention of deflecting,

Thank you syg for staying with me,

Albeit my waistline you could no longer see,

Please bear with me for years to come,

When my body be like a drum,

Never succumb.

Alas this is no sonnet,

For I am no poet,

But you'll forever be my haley's comet.

For someone who I miss dearly, and only can see you through tv,

Me hubby, in saudi. Come back quick, i am going crazy. With the kids & work that's neverending, afraid that i'll jump-off building. 

Huh, even that part rhymes. No, i am no poet.

Not even pseudo, not even going to try. 

That aching longing the inconsolable yearning

Salam.

A wise man once said...

In your saddest days you should turn to Allah the Almighty; when you're feeling jubilant it is Allah whom you should be thanking first; in all calamities and fears faced with bravery that Allah is by your side - that is the true traits of Imaan in a Muslim. 

In other words, in every single thing that you do, Allah must be on your top list before anything else, for nothing else matters but Him. 

"fa bi ayyi irabbikumma tukadzibban..."

The following picture sums up my feelings today. For some reason, I'm all teared up inside looking at this magnificent picture of the Ka'abah - the true compas of every Muslim. 

Never have I felt such aching deep in my heart that I fear I wouldn't make it to see for myself and gaze at the majestic Ka'abah, performing Salah in Masjidil Haraam & submitting my du'a to the Almighty Allah in the holy city of Mecca...

I am no pious person, I've sinned alot for the past 33 years of my life. BUT I never stopped to wish to become a better person than I've ever been. 

I want to have this one true meaning of LOVE - to love and be loved in an eternal blessing of His grace until one day we are all awoken for Judgement Day & I would received with my right hand that book of deeds.

No one will ever understand your trials and tribulations, the pain who've gone through, the challenges you got to embrace but Allah.

When the world seems to spat on your face, only one type of love that will never forsake you, that is the love from your God, the Creator of Heavens and Earth and all living things in it. 

O Allah, show me the way. Bless me and guide me onto the right paths. Keep those with good intentions close to me and keep away the sinister hearts as far as possible. Bless my loved ones with even greater love than you've shown to me. 

Ps: keep on smiling and saying praise, Alhamdulillah...if one hurt you continue to have the kindness that you'd wish to receive from others. Do good things the way you would want others do to you. Keep me safe Allah. Keep this heart content. Amiin.