YES. am going to rant about colors now. Under the circumstances, i think yellow is the most talked about color of the month for Malaysia..and just like many others, i think it is apt that i title my entry with something provocative such as yellow...(sniffs)
2. Yellow is never my thing, be it on t-shirts, scarfs, tudung..anything. (no pun intended). I am more of a pink, or different shades of blue..and even black (for the slimming-down-effect look), white (for i am so pure & clean intention look) & silver (you know, they dub it the new black..so yeah i put this color on for the trying to keep up with the trend look)...you know that's pretty much the color scheme I'd choose from depending on the mood.
3. BUT today i cannot help but to feel a little green....no, not green as in recycle go-green campaign and not even green as in green and the logo of a moon green (if you know what i mean hehe) BUT today, i am feeling a wee bit of a monstrous Hulk, Frankenstein type of green....the type that is green with envy. the evil eye green...
4. YES. my emotions as for now is very..unstable. It become that way after browsing an old acquaintance's blog. I see that she is now starting a new life in a place that is a dear to my heart and is one of the top few places in this world i wish i can be staying....
5. NO, do not get me wrong. It is not that i am not feeling happy for her. Great for her, really. After spending 1 year in Japan, 3 years in Holland and now she's back to Japan for another 3 years (perhaps). And not to mention, doing thing that I too imagine myself doing that is to undergo post-grad studies.
6. I am envious at how people like her get to be where they are today. Get to live that dreams of theirs. I know there's the 'fate' talk or 'qada & qadar' equivalence, BUT there's got to be a 'methodological approach' to their successes, is there not?
7. I mean, how is it that there's people who seems to be living out life on Aces? String of good luck. As if they are meant to be enjoying this life without worrying too much of getting hurt from dreaming too much of life.
8. In relation to my friend's case mentioned above, she got to study under a scholarship scheme that is about the same as mine. OF course, the only difference is, she is doing it all in overseas institutions.
9. YES for that i envy her. Could it be that she gotten the right scheme? I had the same opportunity to be just like her, been offered the same thing from the same university as her 3 years ago, but i let down the offer because even though i knew there's a higher chances of me studying abroad if i take that offer because that particular uni is a new uni so they're allocating a big sum of money to trained their future employees..BUT i let it down still because the uni is in the east coast of this country..and the fact i am offered a course on industrial art-communication related thingy...just was not my thing.
10. SO i gave that one up, just as i gave up another offer that was soon to follow that one a few months later...a job at a uni (non-academic post) but with some relation to my background studies and job experience and best of all the benefits it had to offer to me was really interesting.
11. AGAIN, i let that one go, because i was heavily pregnant then, and the taught of embarking a new career that is in the heart of the country and having to take the LRT for it, was not convincing enough for my husband's approval.
12. SO there i was probably a loser, a stupid sore loser for giving up 2 lifetime opportunities.
13. UNTIL......after the birth of my baby girl- came the break i have been longing for.
14. IT was perfect - the post is of dream, the course is something i have experience with, the uni was my second home for the first 5 years of my adulthood..i mean what else could i be asking for....except...when the letter came, it stated "LOCAL".
15. BUMMER indeed. "LOCAL" as in local university was the choice given to me for my Master/PhD. All that dreams just crashed...........
16. THEN, in between hopes crashing/still hopeful and keeping a job that i was already climbing back on the ladder of success (another thing i was dreaming to have ever since i started the job) - i knew i had to make a choice.
17. AFTER much contemplation......although never a 200% sure - I tendered my resignation. MY dear chief was shocked though he knew something like that would be coming out from me, another chief in another department was also surprised at my decision (as he did help the process of 'climbing-up-the-ladder-of-success' thingy)..heck, i even surprised myself!
18. SO that was it. It's almost 2 years now.. i have given up a job that i love so tenderly and enjoyed doing (really i do, despite the long, unpredictable hours) all in pursuit of happiness of a new, hopefully more promising career in academia and if Allah permits, a chance of doing the post-grad overseas.
19. Question now, I did what is needed to be done...BUT that one shot at MA overseas, I did not get it, but others did. WHAT did they do for them to get what they are doing now? HOW was the selection on who gets to go overseas who does not, was carried out?
20. AGAIN do not get me wrong, not that i am not over the fact i am still stuck here while some of me friends are not, enjoying the fresher breeze of air.
21. I am so over MA melancholies.
22. NEXT question : HOW do I get myself to the places i dream of being for the next level of my study despite everything..? CAN i not carry on with this offer to continue my studies for phD in malaysia and hope that i can have a second chance when i am a staff under a different scheme? WHAT is there that should be done in my part to realize this little dream of mine?
23. BIGGER question : AM I ON A WRONG CAREER PATH ALTOGETHER???? Because at this point it seems all the odds are against me...everything did not go well from day 1 when i enrolled my MA in UM.....is that the reason why i am not getting what i wish i am getting in this scheme i have been longing for since i finished my degree in broadcasting in 2006? AM I ON A TRACK TO SELF-DESTRUCTION and would end up as an overweight, home-cracker??(as opposed to homemaker...i am so not that type)
24. O Allah O Mighty...Please show me the way. WILL THERE BE A RAINBOW AT THE END OF THIS DREADFUL STORM?
25. FOR now, have to, must be putting my positivity cap on..for I have only 6 months to go and in my current department records there has never been a successful MA candidate that finishes within less than a year...SO unprecedented it is deem impossible target to achieve....
ps: janna...yeap this post was referring to you albeit you're not the only one on my envy list for now..but yeah, i stumble upon your blog and it caused me this mood swing of self-pithiness and biting reality check on my life's sordidness. HOWEVER fret not, am still sane and below suicidal....LOL.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Malaysians Should Thank Anwar Ibrahim..
Salam. Shocking. Yes, I know..the title can be quite controversial..but I cannot help but to think about this one man and all the fuss that is around him. Yes, Malaysians favorite color now is Yellow. .....And it's all yellow, mellow..do not follow yo..LOL.
2. Apart from the infamous grainy black and white 20 something minutes of video..and the whole Ally McBeal court case drama from back in Sodomy I and Sodomy II, Datuk T Trios, Orange Book, 16
th September and now Yellow Tee Campaign..this tough guy does deserve a thank you from us all if anything..
3. Yes. If anything, Anwar Ibrahim should be commanded only because it was him (more like the incident that happened to him) that drove Malaysians toward a better sense of what politics is, the already politicians got revitalized from the comatose state they were in, many students aspire to be politicians, hundreds more likened themselves as political pundits...all inspired someway or another by this whole drama that many institutions set up new course or reformed existing related studies with that of strategic, defense, IR and the list of nomenclature continues..all but to learn, understand, embrace this uncharted waters of the nations politics's shift..or to the advocates of this guy what they term as "reformation".
4. Was I a fan? Not really, no..heheh but i vividly recall that time when he was sacked, I was in form 4 in a now one of the best cluster schools in the country. I, just as hundreds of thousands of people in the country was shocked, confused, angered by the incident.
5. And then I remembered going to school the next day, everybody in my class was rooting for this guy. Everybody was sympathizing him. Of course I do not think that my classmates back then figured this on their own, i mean we were just bunch of 16 years old high school kids...who had ever cared about the politics?? And i remembered because i was against this guy, that almost all that was in his 'fanclub' in my class do not want to talk with me for awhile especially when they would gathered and update their thoughts about the issue and if i ever wanted to joined them, they'd be like silence and ignored me until i go away..of course not all of my classmates back then was his supporter there are others that could be categorized as 'fence-sitters' Lol.
6. I for sure cared right about the incident of 1998. But i was the only one that was not on the same page as any of my classmates. Being a Dr. M' gen X..of course I could not believe all the accusations that this guy was throwing down Malaysians' throats.
7. So, the rage begins. The 'tsunami' effect took over...the 'change' movement gained momentum...and along the way right about the 'black eyed' incident, I was a 'convert' to this guy's camp. Yes, to me the notion that he was the victim sound just about right.
8. Fast-forward....we are seeing the whole scripts being played out all over again.
9. AM i still a fan? NO. I mean I hell do not know for sure that did he do what they say he did you know....the all..ummmmm X-rated actions and i do not want to delve in the subject.
10. WHY? you see...fast-forward from circa 1998 ...i'd like to see that i am more learned person now...i have enlightened myself with knowledge...LOL! OK sounds a bit pompous don't i? Simpler term= i've grown from juvenile 16 to almost 30 year old...so yeah, pretty much have a sounder, more reasonable , rational functioning brain to see that all this politicking that this guy and his compatriots are doing is doing nothing much BUT to break the country more, especially the Malays.
11. WAITTTT....don't dare to talk about race, it is Malaysia, 1Malaysia..we are 1 country. OK so yeah, that is the aspirations, the utopian theme..but it is still far-fetched if you ask me.
12. Because Race is always the issue. Religion is always the issue. However, to me...do we need to make this guy's dream to Putrajaya the issue still? Does he really matters? Is he the new religion that everybody has to profess if not we are damned and to hell we go??
13. Nay people! He is just a guy, a political motivated with self-interest to win over Putrajaya guy....and this applies to everyone in the opposition.
14. Wait. Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that the government is without faults here, and the opposition is the way to go.
15. I am saying that, even if you 'X' the opposition, they are not going to make things right. Why? because they are a loose corporation. It is a fact that PKR is all about a man's dream to becoming the Premier of this country, it is a fact that the Rockets are about advancing secularism and championing one ethnicity (but no, they are not racist right? ;D ) ...and the other one...well, i reserved my comment for that one because i think the aspirations are true and good just perhaps ditched the Islamic extremism features if you want to get a national support (of course very unlikely because Malaysians are still very concerned with race and religion!)
16. One thing for sure, I find it is ridiculous for people to take to the streets and vent out their dissidents to the government. Yellow, Purple, White, Clean or NOT - demonstration is not the way to go. We are over barbarian era - diplomacy is the way, and if you really hate the current party then take it to the ballots and vent there!
17. Even more saddening, i foresee that the main quarters that will be the 'pencacai' are mostly Malays youngster, blinded by the name of democracy march or the Anwar's our new God beliefs...and while you are at it, the Indians too. BUT, we won't see the Chinese- except maybe a few of those familiar faces. BUT, the Chinese are smarts not to take to the streets and joined this so-called cause for a change!
18. So, you do not have to be a rocket scientist to see who's playing who in this game..and who's game of politics this really is....the Chinese - DAP. they are the mastermind in the opposition. OH wait, i'd be called a racist for this.
19. BUT tell me, who is controlling the economy?? Tell me, ask anybody who is not chinese, to take a walk in Sunway Pyramid Mall and try their luck at a simple job , no-brainer task such as a salesperson - you will find that most, MOST of the shops there unashamedly post a disclaimer of their vacancy banner with "ONLY CHINESE PREFERRED!" ( i know this, because i have tried scouting for part-time job not once, but thrice there..so tell me who is the kiasu race??) so who are the racist group here? Tell me, when dealing with these chinese traders or business even if it means simple ordinary thing like electrical services - they (Chinese) have different rates imposed with other race group than theirs that are mostly cheaper, so who is the racist ones here?? Tell me, what other democratic country in this world that permits vernacular school system than Malaysia? When the government wanted to take that away, those people rant and rave on the basis of preserving their cultural identity...what bull is that if not about race and yet we are still the one called racist??
20. and what is this talk about relinquishing the Malay Supremacy?? Even in the states that is dubbed as heart of democracy- they have the White Supremacy too. Look at Japan, though i know slightly different case cause they are of one race country, a homogeneous - but the point is anyone who is not Japanese no matter how fluent your nihongo is, how excellent your nihon-no lifestyle practices are - you are still called a "Gaijin" and that means Alien people. Why? to differentiate them from others.
21. RACE does matter. RELIGION too. and in this country that is a melting pot of racial mix and religion, it is a bogey for racial tension. THAT IS THE FACT. Malays are the dominant. Malays and the indigenous people are the Bumiputra. We were here first. If this land is taken away from us, where are we to go?? BUT the other ethnicity, they have the mainland china and india for back-up and please don't be a hypocrite- most of them still regards themselves as part of their motherland.
22. Go back to the history of this country. Research and learn the constitution. Heed the advices of those who are learned in the subject of social contract such as renowned Prof. Tan Sri Dr Khoo Kay Khim.
23. I think, the government should introduced political science and law a compulsory subjects to pass SPM just as history subject. Because this three strings of subject make the perfect combo for enlightenment to our younger generation and not make them astray as blinded political followers.
24. Also, perhaps it is time for us if we really wants national integration to take place, then the ministry under DS Shahrizat should come up with an advocacy campaign that reads "LET'S HAVE INTER-RACE MARRIAGE" or while you are at it make it even more global - "Marry Me Malaysians" - so that we can produce a generation of mix-blood, mix-raced and when it's time for them to tick the box in filling up any registration form in this country, they have to tick all the boxes...now that's what we call 1Malaysia ..:)
25. Alas, be a rational citizen- don't be persuaded with ill-politicking and take it to the streets to prove a point, and yes Anwar Ibrahim ought to be thank for nothing but creating political awareness to our people albeit that does not make him the only reason we should be liberated for he is not God or even a God's gift like what his wife wants us to believe. And the government too has a role to play- get rid of those flimsy good for nothing type of politicians that are only in for the lights, cameras and most of all MOOLAH..but ain't doing much for the betterment of their own people.
2. Apart from the infamous grainy black and white 20 something minutes of video..and the whole Ally McBeal court case drama from back in Sodomy I and Sodomy II, Datuk T Trios, Orange Book, 16
th September and now Yellow Tee Campaign..this tough guy does deserve a thank you from us all if anything..
3. Yes. If anything, Anwar Ibrahim should be commanded only because it was him (more like the incident that happened to him) that drove Malaysians toward a better sense of what politics is, the already politicians got revitalized from the comatose state they were in, many students aspire to be politicians, hundreds more likened themselves as political pundits...all inspired someway or another by this whole drama that many institutions set up new course or reformed existing related studies with that of strategic, defense, IR and the list of nomenclature continues..all but to learn, understand, embrace this uncharted waters of the nations politics's shift..or to the advocates of this guy what they term as "reformation".
4. Was I a fan? Not really, no..heheh but i vividly recall that time when he was sacked, I was in form 4 in a now one of the best cluster schools in the country. I, just as hundreds of thousands of people in the country was shocked, confused, angered by the incident.
5. And then I remembered going to school the next day, everybody in my class was rooting for this guy. Everybody was sympathizing him. Of course I do not think that my classmates back then figured this on their own, i mean we were just bunch of 16 years old high school kids...who had ever cared about the politics?? And i remembered because i was against this guy, that almost all that was in his 'fanclub' in my class do not want to talk with me for awhile especially when they would gathered and update their thoughts about the issue and if i ever wanted to joined them, they'd be like silence and ignored me until i go away..of course not all of my classmates back then was his supporter there are others that could be categorized as 'fence-sitters' Lol.
6. I for sure cared right about the incident of 1998. But i was the only one that was not on the same page as any of my classmates. Being a Dr. M' gen X..of course I could not believe all the accusations that this guy was throwing down Malaysians' throats.
7. So, the rage begins. The 'tsunami' effect took over...the 'change' movement gained momentum...and along the way right about the 'black eyed' incident, I was a 'convert' to this guy's camp. Yes, to me the notion that he was the victim sound just about right.
8. Fast-forward....we are seeing the whole scripts being played out all over again.
9. AM i still a fan? NO. I mean I hell do not know for sure that did he do what they say he did you know....the all..ummmmm X-rated actions and i do not want to delve in the subject.
10. WHY? you see...fast-forward from circa 1998 ...i'd like to see that i am more learned person now...i have enlightened myself with knowledge...LOL! OK sounds a bit pompous don't i? Simpler term= i've grown from juvenile 16 to almost 30 year old...so yeah, pretty much have a sounder, more reasonable , rational functioning brain to see that all this politicking that this guy and his compatriots are doing is doing nothing much BUT to break the country more, especially the Malays.
11. WAITTTT....don't dare to talk about race, it is Malaysia, 1Malaysia..we are 1 country. OK so yeah, that is the aspirations, the utopian theme..but it is still far-fetched if you ask me.
12. Because Race is always the issue. Religion is always the issue. However, to me...do we need to make this guy's dream to Putrajaya the issue still? Does he really matters? Is he the new religion that everybody has to profess if not we are damned and to hell we go??
13. Nay people! He is just a guy, a political motivated with self-interest to win over Putrajaya guy....and this applies to everyone in the opposition.
14. Wait. Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that the government is without faults here, and the opposition is the way to go.
15. I am saying that, even if you 'X' the opposition, they are not going to make things right. Why? because they are a loose corporation. It is a fact that PKR is all about a man's dream to becoming the Premier of this country, it is a fact that the Rockets are about advancing secularism and championing one ethnicity (but no, they are not racist right? ;D ) ...and the other one...well, i reserved my comment for that one because i think the aspirations are true and good just perhaps ditched the Islamic extremism features if you want to get a national support (of course very unlikely because Malaysians are still very concerned with race and religion!)
16. One thing for sure, I find it is ridiculous for people to take to the streets and vent out their dissidents to the government. Yellow, Purple, White, Clean or NOT - demonstration is not the way to go. We are over barbarian era - diplomacy is the way, and if you really hate the current party then take it to the ballots and vent there!
17. Even more saddening, i foresee that the main quarters that will be the 'pencacai' are mostly Malays youngster, blinded by the name of democracy march or the Anwar's our new God beliefs...and while you are at it, the Indians too. BUT, we won't see the Chinese- except maybe a few of those familiar faces. BUT, the Chinese are smarts not to take to the streets and joined this so-called cause for a change!
18. So, you do not have to be a rocket scientist to see who's playing who in this game..and who's game of politics this really is....the Chinese - DAP. they are the mastermind in the opposition. OH wait, i'd be called a racist for this.
19. BUT tell me, who is controlling the economy?? Tell me, ask anybody who is not chinese, to take a walk in Sunway Pyramid Mall and try their luck at a simple job , no-brainer task such as a salesperson - you will find that most, MOST of the shops there unashamedly post a disclaimer of their vacancy banner with "ONLY CHINESE PREFERRED!" ( i know this, because i have tried scouting for part-time job not once, but thrice there..so tell me who is the kiasu race??) so who are the racist group here? Tell me, when dealing with these chinese traders or business even if it means simple ordinary thing like electrical services - they (Chinese) have different rates imposed with other race group than theirs that are mostly cheaper, so who is the racist ones here?? Tell me, what other democratic country in this world that permits vernacular school system than Malaysia? When the government wanted to take that away, those people rant and rave on the basis of preserving their cultural identity...what bull is that if not about race and yet we are still the one called racist??
20. and what is this talk about relinquishing the Malay Supremacy?? Even in the states that is dubbed as heart of democracy- they have the White Supremacy too. Look at Japan, though i know slightly different case cause they are of one race country, a homogeneous - but the point is anyone who is not Japanese no matter how fluent your nihongo is, how excellent your nihon-no lifestyle practices are - you are still called a "Gaijin" and that means Alien people. Why? to differentiate them from others.
21. RACE does matter. RELIGION too. and in this country that is a melting pot of racial mix and religion, it is a bogey for racial tension. THAT IS THE FACT. Malays are the dominant. Malays and the indigenous people are the Bumiputra. We were here first. If this land is taken away from us, where are we to go?? BUT the other ethnicity, they have the mainland china and india for back-up and please don't be a hypocrite- most of them still regards themselves as part of their motherland.
22. Go back to the history of this country. Research and learn the constitution. Heed the advices of those who are learned in the subject of social contract such as renowned Prof. Tan Sri Dr Khoo Kay Khim.
23. I think, the government should introduced political science and law a compulsory subjects to pass SPM just as history subject. Because this three strings of subject make the perfect combo for enlightenment to our younger generation and not make them astray as blinded political followers.
24. Also, perhaps it is time for us if we really wants national integration to take place, then the ministry under DS Shahrizat should come up with an advocacy campaign that reads "LET'S HAVE INTER-RACE MARRIAGE" or while you are at it make it even more global - "Marry Me Malaysians" - so that we can produce a generation of mix-blood, mix-raced and when it's time for them to tick the box in filling up any registration form in this country, they have to tick all the boxes...now that's what we call 1Malaysia ..:)
25. Alas, be a rational citizen- don't be persuaded with ill-politicking and take it to the streets to prove a point, and yes Anwar Ibrahim ought to be thank for nothing but creating political awareness to our people albeit that does not make him the only reason we should be liberated for he is not God or even a God's gift like what his wife wants us to believe. And the government too has a role to play- get rid of those flimsy good for nothing type of politicians that are only in for the lights, cameras and most of all MOOLAH..but ain't doing much for the betterment of their own people.
Friday, June 10, 2011
A mummy's worry and being selfish prick
So the month of June is slowly inching its way to midway...and before we know it, hello July! And then Ramadan, Eid ...and the cycle goes again and again..and then, there comes the NEW YEAR! and ouch, next year i'll enter the 3-series age group. yikes.
Again, whenever i re-read my entries, could not help but to think, why o why i keep procrastinate things that i ought to do..things that should be on my priority lists...you know like studying.Pronto! but did i do it? No. Well, not exactly no...a half no that is.
As a student mummy, i could not help but to think about my child first. OK so any mother would do that right..i guess it is the mummy nature to behave that way. Sure, i am not that superwoman-mummy that does everrrrything on every single day -like cooking superb meals, cleaning the house spanking shiny or even buy everything that a child needs - except her basic needs of course...but i do try to be one.
I perfectly realise and fully aware that my first obstacles for achieving my goal before this year ends, is finding my child a suitable if not perfect nursery or caretaker for that matter. and yes, i kept writing about that concern ever since day one...
I have tried. really i do. BUT everytime i am exhausted and giving up and ready to just chuck away kid the next day and so called promised myself that i will do just that and be 'selfish' in order to finish my very much delayed work=i backed out from my plan. because, there will always be wrenching stories about careless childcare centres that causes little kids their souls.
so we heard stories about infants choked to death after a meal/milk..but very rare do we hear about toddler's death right about a few weeks ago in Penang. I, as one worrying and very concern and desperate parent who is contemplating about sending my own kid to a nursery would rather be in denial and try not to read such depressing stories that could easily de-motivate me sending my kids to nursery plan..besides i figured most wrenching stories involves little babies that unfortunately was not properly taken care of by their caretakers after their feed hence causes the death like choking (note: that is why babies needed to be properly burped to ensure they don't choke even after what seem minute, harmless feed of 2 oz of milk)
BUT, last few weeks about the death of a 2 year old girl who had drowned in a water basin - send me the shivers. Why? Because my daughter is 2 year old, she is also a girl and she is very active and very fond of playing with water. Of course drowning in a water basin is one of my biggest fear towards my kid.. that poor kid's fate really made me think twice of ever sending my kid to nurseries especially with the kinds that i have running in my neighbourhood - none of them are registered under the ministry of women affairs...NONE!
so i thought, next option is to find her a good, reliable nanny that operates their own kind of 'home-nursery' you know the kind that take in less than 5 kids at one time. i found one, which was introduced by my next door neighbour who had been sending her own infant there. So i checked out this nanny who lives like a few houses from mine on a different alley than me.
At first , i find her quite amusing, good-hearted homemaker that wanted to make extra cash with nannying other people's kid not because of she wants to be a few dough richer- but according to her, because she loves kids. and being a young mum of 4 kids - i trust her. to top it off, she is also a sewer - you know that perfect ms housewife like Bree in Desperate Housewives. But after spending an hour chatting about our kids - i sensed that she perhaps will not be that extra careful kind of nanny although she said her husband keeps reminding her to be one.
Why i say so? i might be wrong...but call this a mummy's hunch or something..because everytime i mentioned about my kid hyper-activeness (who was running around her house when we were talking most of the time) and especially how she loves staircases which i then explained to her the reasons i installed baby-gates on my staircase - she shrugs at that fact and said........
"oh , not me..i would not make my kids be trapped like in a zoo" then i said, " oh no, although that may sound inhumane and de-generates her development progress as a child that needs to enrich herself in climbing etc- those gates meant for security purposes, i don't want her to miss a step and fall flat on her face" - she laughs at me and said that is so typical of my as a first time mummy- too protective of her kid!
i let her have that i thought. in my mind i agree with her, but i kept my stand that i knew it is for my kid's own good and safety.
then....another safety-issue-alarm triggers. at this point, my daughter already tried to ventured out from the house and was attracted to her finely cut grass lawn and being a concern mum i warned my kid not to. and to this the nanny again laughs at me........
"ooh come one, it is OK. let the kid play"
i replied, "but it is still hot, and she is still not well and we are both in the house need to keep an eye to her because she can be very adventurous"
again she shrugs me off and laughs...and the alarm bell rings for me when she said....
......"ah, but i won't stop her, in fact whenever i have kids to take care, i'd usually just let the kids play outside by themselves - they need that - they're kids afterall..i would just let them be"...
------------------and just when i thought she was finished mocking my parenting skills or lack of, she continued ..."u know u are so typical, i totally understands that, i was just like you when i had my first child, i was so protective, could not let a single scar on their skin..but then, number 2 comes along, and then number 3...soon i realised i am just tired to be that protective and let loose of myself and let the kids be.." again she let go of small doses but quite proud laughs after that comment. .......
i was like...wtf? exactly my point there....so it is OK for you to be extra careful with your first born, but not me? it is because you have now more than one kid, you could not care less about them and just let them run free, i should follow your style of parenting? so, what will the deal be when now you are dealing with more than one kid to take care whose not yours? will you have the same concern?Kids need supervision. yes let them play. yes let them climb. BUT let them do all that under supervision, under attending eyes...but i wonder if this nanny will ever be that because she have 2 little infants to take care as well as 4 (if includes my daughter) toddler...so i am guessing- no way she have double sets of eyes to watch over helpless infants as well as super-active -exploring age phase toddlers....to do all the supervision by herself...very unlikely.
---------------------------i think i have my answer to that....so with that witnessed, i asked my leave and took my kid with me and so called promise the nanny (halfheartedly) that i'll be calling her if i want to send my kid over...................of course i never did ...not to this day.
==================so am i an overly worried mummy that prefers to take care of my kid myself or should i just be a selfish prick and let others take care of my child while i get my bum to work and hopefully finish my thesis in the miraculous period of time that is less than a year??? O Allah Almighty , show me the way....make this easier for me to take...i have been procrastinating the job not because i love to, but i was all this while not being a selfish prick mom - of course this has causes me the stall in my work, but does this mean i need to be selfish for me to finish the work??? i don't want to be selfish, just need to find a good, reliable help for now. O Allah help me................:((
Again, whenever i re-read my entries, could not help but to think, why o why i keep procrastinate things that i ought to do..things that should be on my priority lists...you know like studying.Pronto! but did i do it? No. Well, not exactly no...a half no that is.
As a student mummy, i could not help but to think about my child first. OK so any mother would do that right..i guess it is the mummy nature to behave that way. Sure, i am not that superwoman-mummy that does everrrrything on every single day -like cooking superb meals, cleaning the house spanking shiny or even buy everything that a child needs - except her basic needs of course...but i do try to be one.
I perfectly realise and fully aware that my first obstacles for achieving my goal before this year ends, is finding my child a suitable if not perfect nursery or caretaker for that matter. and yes, i kept writing about that concern ever since day one...
I have tried. really i do. BUT everytime i am exhausted and giving up and ready to just chuck away kid the next day and so called promised myself that i will do just that and be 'selfish' in order to finish my very much delayed work=i backed out from my plan. because, there will always be wrenching stories about careless childcare centres that causes little kids their souls.
so we heard stories about infants choked to death after a meal/milk..but very rare do we hear about toddler's death right about a few weeks ago in Penang. I, as one worrying and very concern and desperate parent who is contemplating about sending my own kid to a nursery would rather be in denial and try not to read such depressing stories that could easily de-motivate me sending my kids to nursery plan..besides i figured most wrenching stories involves little babies that unfortunately was not properly taken care of by their caretakers after their feed hence causes the death like choking (note: that is why babies needed to be properly burped to ensure they don't choke even after what seem minute, harmless feed of 2 oz of milk)
BUT, last few weeks about the death of a 2 year old girl who had drowned in a water basin - send me the shivers. Why? Because my daughter is 2 year old, she is also a girl and she is very active and very fond of playing with water. Of course drowning in a water basin is one of my biggest fear towards my kid.. that poor kid's fate really made me think twice of ever sending my kid to nurseries especially with the kinds that i have running in my neighbourhood - none of them are registered under the ministry of women affairs...NONE!
so i thought, next option is to find her a good, reliable nanny that operates their own kind of 'home-nursery' you know the kind that take in less than 5 kids at one time. i found one, which was introduced by my next door neighbour who had been sending her own infant there. So i checked out this nanny who lives like a few houses from mine on a different alley than me.
At first , i find her quite amusing, good-hearted homemaker that wanted to make extra cash with nannying other people's kid not because of she wants to be a few dough richer- but according to her, because she loves kids. and being a young mum of 4 kids - i trust her. to top it off, she is also a sewer - you know that perfect ms housewife like Bree in Desperate Housewives. But after spending an hour chatting about our kids - i sensed that she perhaps will not be that extra careful kind of nanny although she said her husband keeps reminding her to be one.
Why i say so? i might be wrong...but call this a mummy's hunch or something..because everytime i mentioned about my kid hyper-activeness (who was running around her house when we were talking most of the time) and especially how she loves staircases which i then explained to her the reasons i installed baby-gates on my staircase - she shrugs at that fact and said........
"oh , not me..i would not make my kids be trapped like in a zoo" then i said, " oh no, although that may sound inhumane and de-generates her development progress as a child that needs to enrich herself in climbing etc- those gates meant for security purposes, i don't want her to miss a step and fall flat on her face" - she laughs at me and said that is so typical of my as a first time mummy- too protective of her kid!
i let her have that i thought. in my mind i agree with her, but i kept my stand that i knew it is for my kid's own good and safety.
then....another safety-issue-alarm triggers. at this point, my daughter already tried to ventured out from the house and was attracted to her finely cut grass lawn and being a concern mum i warned my kid not to. and to this the nanny again laughs at me........
"ooh come one, it is OK. let the kid play"
i replied, "but it is still hot, and she is still not well and we are both in the house need to keep an eye to her because she can be very adventurous"
again she shrugs me off and laughs...and the alarm bell rings for me when she said....
......"ah, but i won't stop her, in fact whenever i have kids to take care, i'd usually just let the kids play outside by themselves - they need that - they're kids afterall..i would just let them be"...
------------------and just when i thought she was finished mocking my parenting skills or lack of, she continued ..."u know u are so typical, i totally understands that, i was just like you when i had my first child, i was so protective, could not let a single scar on their skin..but then, number 2 comes along, and then number 3...soon i realised i am just tired to be that protective and let loose of myself and let the kids be.." again she let go of small doses but quite proud laughs after that comment. .......
i was like...wtf? exactly my point there....so it is OK for you to be extra careful with your first born, but not me? it is because you have now more than one kid, you could not care less about them and just let them run free, i should follow your style of parenting? so, what will the deal be when now you are dealing with more than one kid to take care whose not yours? will you have the same concern?Kids need supervision. yes let them play. yes let them climb. BUT let them do all that under supervision, under attending eyes...but i wonder if this nanny will ever be that because she have 2 little infants to take care as well as 4 (if includes my daughter) toddler...so i am guessing- no way she have double sets of eyes to watch over helpless infants as well as super-active -exploring age phase toddlers....to do all the supervision by herself...very unlikely.
---------------------------i think i have my answer to that....so with that witnessed, i asked my leave and took my kid with me and so called promise the nanny (halfheartedly) that i'll be calling her if i want to send my kid over...................of course i never did ...not to this day.
==================so am i an overly worried mummy that prefers to take care of my kid myself or should i just be a selfish prick and let others take care of my child while i get my bum to work and hopefully finish my thesis in the miraculous period of time that is less than a year??? O Allah Almighty , show me the way....make this easier for me to take...i have been procrastinating the job not because i love to, but i was all this while not being a selfish prick mom - of course this has causes me the stall in my work, but does this mean i need to be selfish for me to finish the work??? i don't want to be selfish, just need to find a good, reliable help for now. O Allah help me................:((
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Irony, Agony and Mo-money?
As always..this blog has been left to "dust" for quite awhile now. Yes, i know this so much reflects on my personality in a way that is- a slacker..no? procrastinator? Every night before i go to bed, i would always have a 'replay' of some sort of my life, as well as 'forecast' of it. you know the aspirations, inspirations and yes, the regrets.
Simply put, my life is not that interesting anyway for me to keep updating this blog for the world to see ( as if that is the case - note: the world to see). BUT again, who cares if there is no one else but me reading this blog, it is after all intended for my view, recollections & self-gratification (note: narcissistic)
Ah, well. Life is pretty mundane and very um..routinic. And no, not for my benefits, rather is all about my daughter's life now. I live and breath Nur Raihanna Iman , that soon to turn 2 next month! I wake up by her side (most of the time, as i have been sleeping on the couch lately due to my 'stubbornness' to have some "me time" a.k.a. catching on repeat shows such as Masterchef (and Jr series too), American Next Top Model, Fashion Police, E-True Hollywood Story, The Family Guy (yes me love it) ..oh well basically everrrything on the E channel makes it to my daily 'graveyard hours' tuning.
Yes sordid, when i should have spent those quality times (i assume it is my standard of 'quality' time as i am very much 'active' during those hours- heck i could (and have been doing so) do labour intensive cleaning chores at that time.
Why am i such a "nocturnal" type? I pretty much 'blame' that trait to all those years enriching and learning about worldy theories of mass communication & media related studies years. Yes, i started to 'learned' doing stay-ups a.k.a. burning midnight oil during my undergrad years as mass communication student.
That aside, i reckon i just have to be at least a little 'selfish' to have a few 4 hours of pure self-absorption in front of the telly with no distraction from my little daughter.
Am i selfish for that? I think not, considering the rest of the hours of the day i spend it on my little girl and had to sacrifice my own priority at this point in my life which is - PROGRESSING ON MY THESIS!
Whenever i think of this, i could not help but to reminisce the experiences that my siblings (especially the sisters) in relation to having help for caring their kid in the crucial first 3 years of their kids' life. They all had one thing in common- our parents 'intervention' and first class help!
Yes, i cringe on the fact that i could not have that 'luxury' with my parents though i still 'help' them regardless in terms of committing myself for monthly 'monetary contribution'.
Of course they aforementioned would never agree with me that they had the easy way out on this matter. Instead they would probably said "where got that much help?" or "no i have never done so.." etc. Well there are many pictures for evidence to dismiss their claim i'd say or even more credible evidences- our parents' testimonies that they were the one who had or 'asked' to 'intervened' for their grandchild upbringing.
Ah well, i guess i am just unlucky. Just as i was 'unlucky' to miss out on big bonuses that my ex-company had to offer this year (note: left the job last year).
BUT one bird said to me once, you must always count your blessings. In that light, with everything that i seem to be 'missing out', i am gaining others. Gain 1) chance of furthering my postgrad studies -sponsored, gain 2) in relation to gain 1, i will (insyaAllah) hope to have a lecturing career, gain 3) as i am technically 'jobless', i got more time with my daughter and as mentioned above, with my parents unable to 'intervene' - i have myself to rely on regarding caring and nursing for my kid, gain 4 and encounting) up to Allah's discretion.....
for that i shall scribble on with my 'gains' progresses:-
A) Daughter
Inching her way to year 2 mark, of course i am all excited as to what will be the perfect way to celebrate her upcoming birthday. For last year, we had a small but merry 'kenduri' / party- started it off with praises to Allah and duas, eat lunch and little 'fun time' involving family members and the birthday girl. So this year, naturally, i am wishing to give my beloved daughter something more interesting for her to enjoy. Of course, if only money is of no obstacle to me, i'd give the worldly birthday bash for her, but since it is not- little budgeting will have to do and that cuts down the options for a few mediocre, typical fast-food joints foods for her OR scout for value for money type of playgyms (since One Utama's kids zone is temporarily out of operation) OR back to the safest bet of all- homemade birthday bash (only issue with this, we cannot have it done at mom's kelana jaya home anymore as it is not mom's anymore...:((....i mean for now though mom still lives there but under the circumstances it would feel so awkward and ironic to have a party that we all know have solemn feel to underneath it all, which will leave me with having it at our own home in saujana utama - which means it is far from most acquaintances/friends that the possibilities of any guests showing themselves will be greatly reduced to ..none! )
B) MA student's life
So as scheduled, i have finished all my coursework subjects. ( all 5 of them ) now awaiting for the results *coughs* which i reckon not will be what i dreamed off, but hopefully sufficient to get me pass the coursework hurdles (Amen). If that does not happen, i am really lost as to what will i have to do next. :(( although the semester this year been re-scheduled ( postgrad now enjoys a long 5 months of break!! ) i do not think my scholarship will be 'extended' as well...:(( . And with that, i have approximately 6 short months to complete my thesis and if i ever can afford for an extension, i could only bare a one month's cost of extension (having to force my husband to take care of me financially) ...now with that notion, i could not help to think of finding my 'safety net', you know to prepare myself for the worst. the only way is- finding myself a day job! i do not need fancy ones though but must be able to cover all the costs of me getting to work without the need to 'touch' the already tight scholarship budget. AND if that is the case, i just have to find a nanny/help/daycare for my girl.
C) Marriage
This whole issue of 'i have to take care of our baby most of the time and not you', is really beginning to 'eat' its way into my relationship with the husband, i feel. I mean, here i am having to take over the tasks as homemaker/nanny/maid/wife that runs without 'vacation' and according to the little girl's hours, while husband goes to work to bring the bread back home. And when he does get home, he would want his magical 'me time' that is quite impossible to get because our girl just could not resist him and for that i will always be 'released' from her attention and i would then be the one 'relaxing' while he does not. SO, naturally he will pouts (figuratively) at this, and whines about how hard he has been working and in need of his time too. BUT. BUT it is not like he have a CHOICE just like i DO NOT have CHOICE to not say "no, raihanna..today you have to take care of yourself" ..so he have to be fair in this, i feel ..but most of the time, just as he claims i am whining, he is whining himself too about having to babysit our little girl. I could be selfish just as he is being 'selfish' whenever he gets to go to work and have 'his time' centered to himself and ...work whenever his off days were, BUT BUT i never did. So in the end, most of our 'at first starts as a decent, mature discussions of parenting feelings will more often than not ends in spat/sulk/rage of i have been doing more-you do not-debate'..........:(( yes it is not healthy for our marriage. BUT again, perhaps this is one of the bumps in the life-long ride of matrimony. And also perhaps, because husband is not familiar with baby-related-issues and the fact as he has divorced parents and having raised by aunts & grandparents with lack of love,cuddle, and attention throughout..made him somewhat 'hollow' inside everytime i speak of the hardships as housewife (since he has never seen how hard it is a wife has to take of a household or young souls for that matter)..i mean, do not get me wrong, i am not saying that he does not love his child (he definitely loves the child more than he does his wife at this point!) BUT he is really short-tempered when it comes to handling little kiddo's tantrums i.e. the whinings, cryings, attention seeking pouts etc. not to mention, he has NEVER really took care our baby the way i have to for a consecutive days..
CONCLUSION: much of the irony my pursuit of happiness, i have to undergo so much agony and pain, while i am not craving for empathy from friends or families i do long for my husband's understandings at this point of my life of which i find it all too lacking and he seems not wanting to discuss or burden anything about my main concern now : having to take care of my child and get my studies done a.s.a.p. ....i am just tired with all this ..:(( i am so ready to call it quits and find myself a job ...perhaps a career in academia will only be a dream that was too near but yet still very far to reach. Oh Allah please show me the way.
Simply put, my life is not that interesting anyway for me to keep updating this blog for the world to see ( as if that is the case - note: the world to see). BUT again, who cares if there is no one else but me reading this blog, it is after all intended for my view, recollections & self-gratification (note: narcissistic)
Ah, well. Life is pretty mundane and very um..routinic. And no, not for my benefits, rather is all about my daughter's life now. I live and breath Nur Raihanna Iman , that soon to turn 2 next month! I wake up by her side (most of the time, as i have been sleeping on the couch lately due to my 'stubbornness' to have some "me time" a.k.a. catching on repeat shows such as Masterchef (and Jr series too), American Next Top Model, Fashion Police, E-True Hollywood Story, The Family Guy (yes me love it) ..oh well basically everrrything on the E channel makes it to my daily 'graveyard hours' tuning.
Yes sordid, when i should have spent those quality times (i assume it is my standard of 'quality' time as i am very much 'active' during those hours- heck i could (and have been doing so) do labour intensive cleaning chores at that time.
Why am i such a "nocturnal" type? I pretty much 'blame' that trait to all those years enriching and learning about worldy theories of mass communication & media related studies years. Yes, i started to 'learned' doing stay-ups a.k.a. burning midnight oil during my undergrad years as mass communication student.
That aside, i reckon i just have to be at least a little 'selfish' to have a few 4 hours of pure self-absorption in front of the telly with no distraction from my little daughter.
Am i selfish for that? I think not, considering the rest of the hours of the day i spend it on my little girl and had to sacrifice my own priority at this point in my life which is - PROGRESSING ON MY THESIS!
Whenever i think of this, i could not help but to reminisce the experiences that my siblings (especially the sisters) in relation to having help for caring their kid in the crucial first 3 years of their kids' life. They all had one thing in common- our parents 'intervention' and first class help!
Yes, i cringe on the fact that i could not have that 'luxury' with my parents though i still 'help' them regardless in terms of committing myself for monthly 'monetary contribution'.
Of course they aforementioned would never agree with me that they had the easy way out on this matter. Instead they would probably said "where got that much help?" or "no i have never done so.." etc. Well there are many pictures for evidence to dismiss their claim i'd say or even more credible evidences- our parents' testimonies that they were the one who had or 'asked' to 'intervened' for their grandchild upbringing.
Ah well, i guess i am just unlucky. Just as i was 'unlucky' to miss out on big bonuses that my ex-company had to offer this year (note: left the job last year).
BUT one bird said to me once, you must always count your blessings. In that light, with everything that i seem to be 'missing out', i am gaining others. Gain 1) chance of furthering my postgrad studies -sponsored, gain 2) in relation to gain 1, i will (insyaAllah) hope to have a lecturing career, gain 3) as i am technically 'jobless', i got more time with my daughter and as mentioned above, with my parents unable to 'intervene' - i have myself to rely on regarding caring and nursing for my kid, gain 4 and encounting) up to Allah's discretion.....
for that i shall scribble on with my 'gains' progresses:-
A) Daughter
Inching her way to year 2 mark, of course i am all excited as to what will be the perfect way to celebrate her upcoming birthday. For last year, we had a small but merry 'kenduri' / party- started it off with praises to Allah and duas, eat lunch and little 'fun time' involving family members and the birthday girl. So this year, naturally, i am wishing to give my beloved daughter something more interesting for her to enjoy. Of course, if only money is of no obstacle to me, i'd give the worldly birthday bash for her, but since it is not- little budgeting will have to do and that cuts down the options for a few mediocre, typical fast-food joints foods for her OR scout for value for money type of playgyms (since One Utama's kids zone is temporarily out of operation) OR back to the safest bet of all- homemade birthday bash (only issue with this, we cannot have it done at mom's kelana jaya home anymore as it is not mom's anymore...:((....i mean for now though mom still lives there but under the circumstances it would feel so awkward and ironic to have a party that we all know have solemn feel to underneath it all, which will leave me with having it at our own home in saujana utama - which means it is far from most acquaintances/friends that the possibilities of any guests showing themselves will be greatly reduced to ..none! )
B) MA student's life
So as scheduled, i have finished all my coursework subjects. ( all 5 of them ) now awaiting for the results *coughs* which i reckon not will be what i dreamed off, but hopefully sufficient to get me pass the coursework hurdles (Amen). If that does not happen, i am really lost as to what will i have to do next. :(( although the semester this year been re-scheduled ( postgrad now enjoys a long 5 months of break!! ) i do not think my scholarship will be 'extended' as well...:(( . And with that, i have approximately 6 short months to complete my thesis and if i ever can afford for an extension, i could only bare a one month's cost of extension (having to force my husband to take care of me financially) ...now with that notion, i could not help to think of finding my 'safety net', you know to prepare myself for the worst. the only way is- finding myself a day job! i do not need fancy ones though but must be able to cover all the costs of me getting to work without the need to 'touch' the already tight scholarship budget. AND if that is the case, i just have to find a nanny/help/daycare for my girl.
C) Marriage
This whole issue of 'i have to take care of our baby most of the time and not you', is really beginning to 'eat' its way into my relationship with the husband, i feel. I mean, here i am having to take over the tasks as homemaker/nanny/maid/wife that runs without 'vacation' and according to the little girl's hours, while husband goes to work to bring the bread back home. And when he does get home, he would want his magical 'me time' that is quite impossible to get because our girl just could not resist him and for that i will always be 'released' from her attention and i would then be the one 'relaxing' while he does not. SO, naturally he will pouts (figuratively) at this, and whines about how hard he has been working and in need of his time too. BUT. BUT it is not like he have a CHOICE just like i DO NOT have CHOICE to not say "no, raihanna..today you have to take care of yourself" ..so he have to be fair in this, i feel ..but most of the time, just as he claims i am whining, he is whining himself too about having to babysit our little girl. I could be selfish just as he is being 'selfish' whenever he gets to go to work and have 'his time' centered to himself and ...work whenever his off days were, BUT BUT i never did. So in the end, most of our 'at first starts as a decent, mature discussions of parenting feelings will more often than not ends in spat/sulk/rage of i have been doing more-you do not-debate'..........:(( yes it is not healthy for our marriage. BUT again, perhaps this is one of the bumps in the life-long ride of matrimony. And also perhaps, because husband is not familiar with baby-related-issues and the fact as he has divorced parents and having raised by aunts & grandparents with lack of love,cuddle, and attention throughout..made him somewhat 'hollow' inside everytime i speak of the hardships as housewife (since he has never seen how hard it is a wife has to take of a household or young souls for that matter)..i mean, do not get me wrong, i am not saying that he does not love his child (he definitely loves the child more than he does his wife at this point!) BUT he is really short-tempered when it comes to handling little kiddo's tantrums i.e. the whinings, cryings, attention seeking pouts etc. not to mention, he has NEVER really took care our baby the way i have to for a consecutive days..
CONCLUSION: much of the irony my pursuit of happiness, i have to undergo so much agony and pain, while i am not craving for empathy from friends or families i do long for my husband's understandings at this point of my life of which i find it all too lacking and he seems not wanting to discuss or burden anything about my main concern now : having to take care of my child and get my studies done a.s.a.p. ....i am just tired with all this ..:(( i am so ready to call it quits and find myself a job ...perhaps a career in academia will only be a dream that was too near but yet still very far to reach. Oh Allah please show me the way.
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