Most of the Time, Things Doesn't Go As You Planned: A repost

THIS IS A REPOST, from way back in 2008; was so miserable then just as I am today albeit the cause is different and on a totally new level. And so I thought I should repost my thoughts back then, now, as I made a poem to convey my miserableness , not too shabby (the poem) I must say (forgive the self-praise sentence here, gimme a break am a miserable soul now :D )...anywho, want to write like that again. 

::repost:: 

salams.

you've wasted so much time, energy planning for something, and yet, all that careful (or sometimes not too careful) plans had to be change, unconditionally! devastated. crashed. unbelievable.

and then there's time and time again, when u keep changing your plans (at least for me), so indecisive...like a wildflower, u let the wind determine your course..

Wildflower Phantom - by Aishah Ab Raman/ 2008 (revised 2012 in italics)

oh why is it so difficult to make believe that thee are to be mine eternally
i know i'm supposed to jump in joy,
But the heart isn't filled with that;
when time fast ticking away;
decision calls for actions,
can i be a wildflower then?
will wind take me to places?
or will there be no help from heaven..
afraid of thee i am;
when truth shall reveals;
facts deep in the heart;
affection towards thee;
are much to none;
though i try the hardest;
i fail everytime,
and now the the inevitable fast finding its way;
where to run?
how to hide?
often i'm being waken from dreams at night;
awful ones that frights;
as thee i can't find,
in those dreams that voids delight
instead cruel phantom
keeps haunting me;
sucking all energy dry

banish me now, banish me please;
for i had never been this miserable in my life;
till you came and steal my light;
leaving me to deal with plights
no fairytales just awful nightmares;

keeping me uptight
no chance of daydreaming;

never a single beaming
oh why phantom why;
did u ever make yourself known?
if it wasn't for you phantom past;
i know i'd still be miserable bee;
but not as much as i am today and forever will be.

Nothing is what it seems, apparently

It's almost 5 am on a Wednesday morning and I find myself having trouble to sleep.

Am still up & about at this wee hour and it just makes me think, how vulnerable we humans are. Often when there's something bugging the mind, we succumb to that wretchedness that the world is against us, everyone but us is happy and enjoying life; yet there's always someone else who's having more emotional or physical sufferings, the challenges they have to face are greater than us...will we be able to comprehend their troubles? Or will we be nothing but observant - watching with empathy or delight?

Reality is: everyone is tested, everyone has a sad story to tell (or not), the only difference is in the degrees of that sad story (and one's interpretation of it). You can choose to be empathetic (or at least pretend that you are) OR totally be insensitive about it. After all, the struggle is theirs to fight and lest you can help them is morally, for humanity sake.

For this reason: Aren't humans complicated creatures?  Because of this 'gift' of being able to 'feel', makes us different than the rest. Is this 'gift' a gift at all? When being 'feeling-less' seems more easy as we can be oblivion to our surroundings. I put forth a piece of poem from Rumi, that says it all about being human and dealing with this vulnerability called feelings.

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
Some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
Who violently sweep your house
Empty of its furniture,
Still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
For some new delight.

— Rumi

A joy and feeling depressed the next. I've been in this situation exactly. I, often envy at those who seems to have it all - at least emotionally. Emotionally contented. Happy. On prozac with no worries in the world. Or are they really? To know exactly the 'cure' is to find out the 'problem'. What is causing the unhappiness in one's life?

My most troubling variables would be the fear of losing my loved ones, failing health and losing everything I have. I am listing them in order of most feared:

1) Death (surprised like in accident) of loved ones

2) Deteriorating health (especially ending up in veggied state)

3) Unable to finish my MA and break MOHE contract and have to pay RM200k

4) Lose job and have no means to help my parents

5) LOSE EVERYTHING (material especially)

At this point of life, my worst fears is number 3. However, I placed it third after death and health as both of the variables are indeterminate - it can happen any time, any day (God forbid). BUT number 3, now that's the real 'ghost' of my life. The real bugger now. And that have a timeline. Latest by March 2013. (God forbid, too). If number 3 takes place, number 4 will follow suit soon after - resulting a possible number 5.

SubhanAllah, Laiilahaillah. La hawlawala quwatailabillah.

Am treading on dangerous grounds. They say, your action is your future. At this pace, I am taking on multitasking (i thought am a superwoman) - I must make decision and not be afraid of what others would think of me. As others are not listed in my worst fears in life.

O Allah show me the way. Make this dream a reality and don't let any of the listed fears I have, come knocking on my door. For once, I want to make my parents happy and really proud of me. For once, I want to be proud of me. For once, I want to really feel contented. I want to finish what I have started and embark on another, fruitful more meaningful journey in this life. I am almost there at my destiny. Seal the deal for me. Let me triumphantly breezed all my endeavors. Forlorn shall not be in my life anymore than anyone else's with such burden as I to bear.

O Allah, Most gracious You Know best.

ps: Am letting this one out for the world to know; be it empathetic or insensitive - you world, take the vote. Though remember you must, that what goes around comes around. Lest you want the same forlornness befalls you, you'd be that insensitive hearts wishing that others suffers intolerable pain in their journey in this thing called, life.

Tsukaretta Desu.

Neglecting my blog again with any new updates.

It has got to that point when even any mere scribbling for the sole purpose of updating posts, is akin to labour intensive task for me - real demanding of time and energy, both of which I am deprived lately.

Am I complaining? God no (and knows).

Sigh.

Truth is, am just so beat ever since embarking that journey since August. It is really demanding, as it is totally a 180 degrees shift of what I am familiar with or good at.

Heck, I don't feel am good at this new journey...

So dear diary (and me modest visitors - though occasionally), I just have this to share:

1) Reckon that academia journey will be seeing more halts and delays, as the my sv's existence to me has been reduced to past tense. The sv is now a Was my sv. So, in early September, I was forced to scout for a new sv. After many headaches, begging and just relentless efforts of appearing sordid in the faculty; one kind soul willing to accommodate. Bless thee indeed. And, good thing, thee did not ask for any major revamps on me piece; except trimming them and amending my citations style to Chicago rather than APA. Seems petty and easy-peasy? Not quite. Citations, and other technicalities can be so, demanding the same way any amendments on content would. Anyway, the morale : Ganbarre ne Aisha chan! Yosh! 

2) Due to my inadequacies in these new areas of Public Relations/ Marketing aka the mediator- making me restless and a caducus morbus prone, delirus self-induced amongst others (read: drama queen alert). OK less dramatic, these uncharted waters for me did have an effect - total anxiety, and caused me recent altus-sanguinis pressionem. The culprit, non-other than me lack of confidence and perhaps desire to carry out the task as that said locum.

Alas, no glory is easily attained. Road to success if often treacherous, as they say; yet one has to embraced it, no matter what. Believing the rewards at the end, would surpass any sweetness one can imagine. I want that sweetness! For now, am just plain tsukaretta (japanese for tired) and so I'll take a rest and smell the roses (or count me blessings too) in between popping my high-blood pressure deterrent- prescribed pills, hoping the readings won't get any higher than "Mild" zone of 150/85! 

yosh! happy thoughts. March on. Bring the game. Life can be pain. Oh well...:)

ps: in efforts to reduce-stress, i have enrolled in Mandarin class at my uni, twice a week for 12 weeks! Only vocab I learnt? Ni, de, women (not plural for woman ok) and never-ending revision by my laoshi (teacher) of the difficult though melodic pronunciation of Pinyin. Let me tell ya, 学习普通话是很难.

Blast from the past

Was tracing the name of one of Bunkyo Gakuin's Professor that serves as the Director-General of National Federation of Unesco Associations  and also the VP of that university, Noguchi Sensei...and I found something from the past. Reading through the article, could not help but to think that I was part of that, and now in retrospect, I could see how important and big this deal was to me dear alma mater - UiTM and also Bunkyo Gakuin. I was part of my UiTM's history. That is huge deal. Should pat myself on the back more. :-)

UiTM bertaraf dunia 2006 (07/04/2004 11:45 a.m.)

UNIVERSITI Teknologi Mara (UiTM) akan diisytiharkan sebagai sebuah universiti bertaraf dunia menjelang tahun 2006. Naib Canselornya, Profesor Datuk Seri Profesor Dr. Ibrahim Abu Shah berkata, UiTM kini sedang agresif membuat persiapan bagi mencapai taraf itu. Menurutnya, persiapan itu dilakukan sejak lama dahulu dan hasilnya kini telah pun diperoleh terutama dalam melahirkan graduan berkualiti serta laku di pasaran kerjaya.

Katanya, ada banyak kriteria yang perlu dipenuhi untuk menjadi universiti bertaraf dunia dan kriteria itu bukan terhad kepada aspek prasarana semata-mata. Beliau berkata, sungguhpun aspek prasarana penting, ada aspek lain yang perlu diberi perhatian serius dalam mencapai matlamat itu. ``Aspek ini ialah mengeluarkan graduan yang laris di pasaran kerja dalam dan luar negara,'' katanya pada sidang akhbar selepas Majlis Menandatangani Memorandum Perjanjian (MoA) di antara UiTM dan Universiti Bunkyo Gakuin, Jepun di Shah Alam, baru-baru ini.

Turut hadir pada majlis itu ialah Presiden Bunkyo Gakuin University, Akiko Shimada dan Timbalan Presidennya, Profesor Noboru Noguchi serta Pengurus Kumpulan Latihan dan Pembangunan, Sime Darby Berhad, De. Mohd Kamal Khir. Sime Darby pada majlis itu menyumbang RM40,000 bagi membiayai sebahagian perbelanjaan dua pelajar UiTM sepanjang berada di Bunkyo Gakuin University. MoA yang ditandatangani itu membolehkan kedua-dua universiti menjalin kerjasama akademik menerusi program pertukaran pelajar.

Sebagai permulaan, dua pelajar Universiti Bunkyo Gakuin akan belajar di UiTM selama setahun, mulai bulan Jun ini. Manakala UiTM akan menghantar dua pelajarnya ke universiti berkenaan untuk tempoh setahun pada bulan September ini. Read more here

Looking back at the fact that Ken and I was selected out of that 200,000 students; 20 faculties, 40 states campus, 198 programs for this memorable journey, is exhilarating. Sugoi ne

With Bunkyo Gakuin Daigaku President (and owner) Akiko Shimada Sensei.

With Bunkyo Gakuin's VP and UNESCO Director-General, Prof. Noboru Noguchi Sensei

ZUTTO NIHON  TOTEMO NATSUKASHII... nihon ni ikitai demo ima zannen kara okane ga arimasen :D

p/s: teringat kata2 beberapa insan Allah yang pernah 'mengejek' aku ketika sesi 'temuramah' tidak formal di tempat itu tahun lepas dan ketika aku berada di tempat itu; seorang berkata "yeke you budak PJ, you macam kampung je" (merujuk kepada cara pemakaian tudung aku), seorang lagi "alah, resume you biasa je", dan seorang lagi "oh, dia ada DUA tahun pengalaman tau..."(walhal diri ini punya empat tahun, namun entah mana silapnya itu tidak dikira sebagai pengalaman atau dia yang berkata-kata itu tidak pandai mengira)...

namun kira-kira 2 minggu lepas aku jadi lebih teringat apabila menghadiri satu lagi sesi 'temuramah' di sebuah badan bukan kerajaan yang agak berpengaruh dalam negara malah ditunjangi daripada kalangan mereka yang cerdik pandai (tidak keterlaluan lebih pandai dan lebih tahu dari insan-insan yang disebut aku dalam ayat sebelum ini di tempat itu), namun sepanjang sesi tersebut, tidak sekali mereka 'mengejek' (judgmental) terhadap aku, malah berkata "you got impressive resume" dan paling penting AMAT tertarik dengan pengalaman aku di Bunkyo Gakuin sebagai wakil pertama PERTAMA UiTM.

Mereka juga tidak pernah bertanya tentang kelulusan spm...apatah lagi mahu menyalin keputusan SPM aku sebagai bukti aku budak Petaling Jaya seperti dua umat disebut di atas yang berada di tempat itu. typical elitist malay mentality- likes to patronize people...oh well, am here now at this place at this time, embracing new challenges, meeting new minds for an enlightening journey in unraveling issues of faith, equality, justice, compassion, and pursuit of knowledge. best thing, they thus far never puts on judgemental face and that holier-than-thou act. Refreshing indeed.

p/s2: am in no way inferring that I am smart or got an impressive resume, just merely scribbling me disappointment that there are still some people in this world who likes to think they know people by the way they dress is absurd. it is appalling even more that these people hold high positions in office ie: leaders/ super seniors in a corporation, yet loves to belittle people that don't know of.