Ikut resmi padi

Status: Masih lagi bergelumang dengan segala jurnal yang berbaki baik dalam bentuk 'soft copies' mahupun yang sudah dicetak.

Dan semakin aku leka menelaah jurnal-jurnal tersebut, semakin aku rasa ada lagi ruang yang boleh/harus aku cari maklumat supaya 'ilmu' aku cukup untuk menulis/mengolah ayat-ayat aku dalam disertasi aku.

Tapi ianya adalah satu fakta - 'ilmu' tidak akan cukup kerana ilmu itu terlalu luas, dan apa yang kita tahu/merungkai dalam sisa kehidupan ini sememangnya hanya 'setitik' daripada 'lautan ilmu' milik Allah.

Tak terenang kita dalam lautan itu. Tak terkejar aku 'memuat-turun' ilmu-ilmu bahkan bukan semua, yang aku rasakan perlu juga tak mampu aku usaikan.

Begitu kerdil pengetahuan kita bergelar manusia.

Nah, tak hairan, kenapa kerap kita mendengar ungkapan "belajarlah hingga ke negara China" - belajar dan belajar dan belajar....kerana ilmu itu tidak akan habis, tidak akan terhenti biarpun sudah ke peringkat PhD. sekalipun.

Begitu besarnya ilmu itu, begitu sekali relatifnya kepentingan ilmu. Maka, nescaya rugi bagi mereka yang hanya 'berilmu' setakat Diploma? Degree?

Tidak. ilmu tidak akan putus.

Tidaklah pula aku katakan yang 'berilmu' setakat peringkat tertentu itu jahil, buta hati kepada ilmu.

Kepada mereka mungkin ada sebab munasabab tersendiri untuk tidak terus menimba ilmu.

Malah, bentuk ilmu itu juga tidak ku katakan termaktub dalam terjemahan perlu ke menara gading semata-mata.

Tidak juga hanya terjurus untuk ilmu ukhrawi semata-mata.

Maka, kedua-duanya harus seiring; turut diseimbangi, dikejari, dikuatkan, didalami, ditunjangi, diaplikasikan. Semua manusia tahu, semuanya sedar.

Namun, tak ramai yang lakukan kerana antara sedar dan buat adalah dua perkara yang amat berbeza yang mana buat lebih menuntut kekuatan rohaniah dan displin diri.

Belajar itu menuntut displin diri..yang tinggi.

Aku? masih rendah...amat rapuh displin itu...serapuh semangat aku sekarang.

Apa-apapun yang ingin aku catitkan kali ini betapa aku kagum terhadap seorang hamba Allah yang mana pada pandangan-Nya hanya khalifah Allah seperti kita semua; namun barangkali status sosial beliau di alam ini - ada perbezaannya, lebih tinggi mungkin setidak-tidaknya lebih daripada kalangan orang-orang biasa.

Kepada beliau ini, seorang personaliti yang dikagumi. Sudah dikenali ramai. Mempunyai pangkat dan gelaran. Melalui banyak pengalaman hidup. Pernah memegang jawatan-jawatan penting.

Ya, beliau yang saya maksudkan adalah seorang yang penting dan signifikan dalam ruang sosio-politik kita.

NAMUN beliau mengikut resmi padi, "semakin berisi, semakin tunduk menyembah bumi".

Untuk Datuk R, saya amat hargai bantuan Datuk; pendapat dan input Datuk berikan kepada saya untuk penulisan disertasi meskipun saya sekadar seorang pelajar tanpa kepentingan dan tidak pernah mengenali beliau secara peribadi atau formal; amat saya hargai.

Saya kagum dan sungguh terharu mendapat maklum balas sedemikian daripada seseorang yang mempunyai status sosial yang tinggi juga setinggi ilmu di dadanya.

Semoga Allah berikan kembali kepada Datuk itu lebih lagi ilmu didunia kerana sifatnya yang tidak lokek membantu insan lain.

My little terrorist

Here it is, me first formal introductory of my little spawn to the world of blogosphere. She's my little angel.

At times, she's also my little 'terrorist', that little rascal of mine.


But, she remains all the time...my everything.


You probably think, 'Ah, so what'. And yes, I've never been this soppy. BUT I am convert to all melancholies self that of a mother to child; full of love, hope and desire to give her the best I could when I become a mom last 20th June 2009.

Yes, I am soppy because I am a mom. This little terrorist of mine is my first. And just like all first time mothers, you know how it's like to be one - the roller-coaster feelings during that whole 9 months, the labor pains (yes it's beyond scary) and the magical moments following that birth.

Yes, I am soppy because for the first time during whole year of study solitude, I have met the meaning of my life.

It is now not just about me anymore, not about what I used to dream to be, it is not about journo-adrenaline rush world that I have come to love. For now, my life - the future of it will always concern this little terrorist (and who knows, many more rascals?). Spawning life, creating more muslim ummah.

The sacrifices that I have made so far, is nothing to what is installed for me in the future.

I left a job for pursuing a dream. I moaned about coming back to that job once. I went back. But one thing kept pushing me out from that selfishness to be what i enjoy to be - this little terrorist of mine.

I whine at the times I have to sacrifice my time for her, to leave my study desk for her, upset to not be able to go to the library because no one could babysit but me.

BUT once I am doing all those things, I feel relieved... Am glad i am there for her. Am ecstatic to see her daily progress of growth. The little sentences she make with her little mouth.

Motherhood is a roller-coaster, it's all intense feelings mixed to one. You could be angry and then civil the next. BUT nothing, above all beats the feelings when my little terrorist would suddenly come to me in the midst of nothing, without any warning, and give her mommy a big fat hug and warm kisses while saying "Sayang Mami".

That it is only words. But it is so strong of a word it jolts me back to reality that I need not be languish and persevere for whatever obstacles that may come in the future. I need to be strong for her. I need to be that super mom for my little terrorist.

Yes I am soppy, but you will be one too if you've become a mother enduring 11 hours of labor pains, with tormenting post-natal experiences and now you see your bundle of joy, the apple of your eyes grow in front of you without missing any huge details in that first 2 years of her life is - super bliss.

No regrets.

Mission Failed #1

It's Friday. Gulps.

Taking a break from reading the so many articles (and there is many more to cover..). Maybe, my health is deteriorating, or maybe i am just plain exhausted due to the lack/irregular sleep. Cause this past few days, I realize that I have been trembling when trying to write/type ..you know when operating my hands. But then again, even when i am not doing anything with my hands, i could feel the tingling sensations every now and then and i would tremble afterward.

Bizarre. I do hope it is only temporary and nothing serious for I just cannot afford to be sick physically, mentally and financially. Yes, am a pauper student with one final allowance due end of this month. After that, I am on my own.

I can go on and on at least keeping awake for a full 48 hours (i have done that, most of the time for studying purposes) BUT that was when i had a maid. Now, all by myself (except on hub's day off) I can't be selfish and immerse myself into studies. Got to cook, feed, bath, care for my little terrorist, my little rascal, my little angel.

What have I done so far? Prior starting my 'marathon-crash-writing' plan, I've marked today as the day for submitting 3 chapters in drafts.

Unfortunately, can't keep up. Dateline have to be postpone till next Monday. Planning to submit/meet SV after my daughter's doctor appointment, insyaAllah. Hopefully, I finish by then.

Meanwhile, am gonna log off. This old hub's laptop that's operating without battery & without a cooler fan, is getting overheated. Need to eliminate any risks of further postponing/injuring myself and the work.

Anticipating the Year End

Less than a month to go.

Progress been slowly catching up, i have to sacrifice my sleep for it. Made a "crash writing" schedule. Time is of essence. Time is running out. Time is ....screw it. I do hope for more than 24 hours in a day. I need more time.

My 'coughing' still bothering me. Went for a second visit at the clinic last Monday, even the doctor was baffled as to why my coughs will not go away. He gave me new prescriptions though, including an inhaler for bronchitis/asthma and the bits of 'crystals' that you dilute in a warm water and breathe in the steam.

Good news: my sinus and phlegm seems to be recovering. Less blocked-nose now.
Bad news: 'dry' coughs intensified especially at nights/ while i am lying down, trying to sleep or after i take my showers. And i am coughing so bad, sometimes i almost puke.

The doc said, I'd have to give these new prescriptions a week or so. And if it still persists, he's going to refer me to a specialist.

Life can't be any more dramatic for me now. Talk about challenges. I have never been anymore sleep deprived in my life yet got to be strong and stay committed for school work, play mommy-role and house-wifey. Luckily, I don't need to clean the house - as my hub will take on that part and doing the laundry too. Am not whining, will take it all in, positively Insya-Allah.

For now, just hope that this cough will go away, I can't bear to be this sick too long; too many at stakes now, too many responsibilities to carry. Need a healthy body. All this will end, soon. Oh, and on the brighter note- dad has been discharged last Monday (although it was by his own request). I am not a 100% sure of his health records as of now since prior being released - mom was all worried for his soaring blood pressure readings, also his surgery wound still not fully dried (he's diabetic).

I reckon dad don't want to stay because he wants to do something so urgently that needs him out of the hospital, pronto. Something that he keeps as secret from us all. Just saying it smells 'fishy-fishy- here, it doesn't add up cause he insisted he was enjoying the stay at the hospital. And suddenly, he's out from the ward despite the worrying conditions?

I haven't got the chance to see him yet. I'd usually follow hubs in the morning (if hub's working that is) and I'll visit the parents later after sending off hub to office. BUT if I fail to catch the 'bus' in the morning, I'd usually be left off by hub and that would pretty much discourage me to make a 40++ mins drive accompanied only with my little rascal and her unpredictable mood. So, I'd rather sit it out in this suburban neighborhood of mine where its nearest sign of civilization is KFC. So much of that oily chicken, that it was one of my little rascal's first brands that she can easily associates with! LOL.

OK time's up, back to the world of social political theories and what not - a world when one reads, one might think that one's knowledge of the world been elevated to a new realm yet one will ends up feeling more lost than before to the so-called enlightenment process - cause all the theories, to me- nothing but a scholar's concoction of ideas. Interesting..but debatable.