So the month of June is slowly inching its way to midway...and before we know it, hello July! And then Ramadan, Eid ...and the cycle goes again and again..and then, there comes the NEW YEAR! and ouch, next year i'll enter the 3-series age group. yikes.
Again, whenever i re-read my entries, could not help but to think, why o why i keep procrastinate things that i ought to do..things that should be on my priority lists...you know like studying.Pronto! but did i do it? No. Well, not exactly no...a half no that is.
As a student mummy, i could not help but to think about my child first. OK so any mother would do that right..i guess it is the mummy nature to behave that way. Sure, i am not that superwoman-mummy that does everrrrything on every single day -like cooking superb meals, cleaning the house spanking shiny or even buy everything that a child needs - except her basic needs of course...but i do try to be one.
I perfectly realise and fully aware that my first obstacles for achieving my goal before this year ends, is finding my child a suitable if not perfect nursery or caretaker for that matter. and yes, i kept writing about that concern ever since day one...
I have tried. really i do. BUT everytime i am exhausted and giving up and ready to just chuck away kid the next day and so called promised myself that i will do just that and be 'selfish' in order to finish my very much delayed work=i backed out from my plan. because, there will always be wrenching stories about careless childcare centres that causes little kids their souls.
so we heard stories about infants choked to death after a meal/milk..but very rare do we hear about toddler's death right about a few weeks ago in Penang. I, as one worrying and very concern and desperate parent who is contemplating about sending my own kid to a nursery would rather be in denial and try not to read such depressing stories that could easily de-motivate me sending my kids to nursery plan..besides i figured most wrenching stories involves little babies that unfortunately was not properly taken care of by their caretakers after their feed hence causes the death like choking (note: that is why babies needed to be properly burped to ensure they don't choke even after what seem minute, harmless feed of 2 oz of milk)
BUT, last few weeks about the death of a 2 year old girl who had drowned in a water basin - send me the shivers. Why? Because my daughter is 2 year old, she is also a girl and she is very active and very fond of playing with water. Of course drowning in a water basin is one of my biggest fear towards my kid.. that poor kid's fate really made me think twice of ever sending my kid to nurseries especially with the kinds that i have running in my neighbourhood - none of them are registered under the ministry of women affairs...NONE!
so i thought, next option is to find her a good, reliable nanny that operates their own kind of 'home-nursery' you know the kind that take in less than 5 kids at one time. i found one, which was introduced by my next door neighbour who had been sending her own infant there. So i checked out this nanny who lives like a few houses from mine on a different alley than me.
At first , i find her quite amusing, good-hearted homemaker that wanted to make extra cash with nannying other people's kid not because of she wants to be a few dough richer- but according to her, because she loves kids. and being a young mum of 4 kids - i trust her. to top it off, she is also a sewer - you know that perfect ms housewife like Bree in Desperate Housewives. But after spending an hour chatting about our kids - i sensed that she perhaps will not be that extra careful kind of nanny although she said her husband keeps reminding her to be one.
Why i say so? i might be wrong...but call this a mummy's hunch or something..because everytime i mentioned about my kid hyper-activeness (who was running around her house when we were talking most of the time) and especially how she loves staircases which i then explained to her the reasons i installed baby-gates on my staircase - she shrugs at that fact and said........
"oh , not me..i would not make my kids be trapped like in a zoo" then i said, " oh no, although that may sound inhumane and de-generates her development progress as a child that needs to enrich herself in climbing etc- those gates meant for security purposes, i don't want her to miss a step and fall flat on her face" - she laughs at me and said that is so typical of my as a first time mummy- too protective of her kid!
i let her have that i thought. in my mind i agree with her, but i kept my stand that i knew it is for my kid's own good and safety.
then....another safety-issue-alarm triggers. at this point, my daughter already tried to ventured out from the house and was attracted to her finely cut grass lawn and being a concern mum i warned my kid not to. and to this the nanny again laughs at me........
"ooh come one, it is OK. let the kid play"
i replied, "but it is still hot, and she is still not well and we are both in the house need to keep an eye to her because she can be very adventurous"
again she shrugs me off and laughs...and the alarm bell rings for me when she said....
......"ah, but i won't stop her, in fact whenever i have kids to take care, i'd usually just let the kids play outside by themselves - they need that - they're kids afterall..i would just let them be"...
------------------and just when i thought she was finished mocking my parenting skills or lack of, she continued ..."u know u are so typical, i totally understands that, i was just like you when i had my first child, i was so protective, could not let a single scar on their skin..but then, number 2 comes along, and then number 3...soon i realised i am just tired to be that protective and let loose of myself and let the kids be.." again she let go of small doses but quite proud laughs after that comment. .......
i was like...wtf? exactly my point there....so it is OK for you to be extra careful with your first born, but not me? it is because you have now more than one kid, you could not care less about them and just let them run free, i should follow your style of parenting? so, what will the deal be when now you are dealing with more than one kid to take care whose not yours? will you have the same concern?Kids need supervision. yes let them play. yes let them climb. BUT let them do all that under supervision, under attending eyes...but i wonder if this nanny will ever be that because she have 2 little infants to take care as well as 4 (if includes my daughter) toddler...so i am guessing- no way she have double sets of eyes to watch over helpless infants as well as super-active -exploring age phase toddlers....to do all the supervision by herself...very unlikely.
---------------------------i think i have my answer to that....so with that witnessed, i asked my leave and took my kid with me and so called promise the nanny (halfheartedly) that i'll be calling her if i want to send my kid over...................of course i never did ...not to this day.
==================so am i an overly worried mummy that prefers to take care of my kid myself or should i just be a selfish prick and let others take care of my child while i get my bum to work and hopefully finish my thesis in the miraculous period of time that is less than a year??? O Allah Almighty , show me the way....make this easier for me to take...i have been procrastinating the job not because i love to, but i was all this while not being a selfish prick mom - of course this has causes me the stall in my work, but does this mean i need to be selfish for me to finish the work??? i don't want to be selfish, just need to find a good, reliable help for now. O Allah help me................:((
Friday, June 10, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Irony, Agony and Mo-money?
As always..this blog has been left to "dust" for quite awhile now. Yes, i know this so much reflects on my personality in a way that is- a slacker..no? procrastinator? Every night before i go to bed, i would always have a 'replay' of some sort of my life, as well as 'forecast' of it. you know the aspirations, inspirations and yes, the regrets.
Simply put, my life is not that interesting anyway for me to keep updating this blog for the world to see ( as if that is the case - note: the world to see). BUT again, who cares if there is no one else but me reading this blog, it is after all intended for my view, recollections & self-gratification (note: narcissistic)
Ah, well. Life is pretty mundane and very um..routinic. And no, not for my benefits, rather is all about my daughter's life now. I live and breath Nur Raihanna Iman , that soon to turn 2 next month! I wake up by her side (most of the time, as i have been sleeping on the couch lately due to my 'stubbornness' to have some "me time" a.k.a. catching on repeat shows such as Masterchef (and Jr series too), American Next Top Model, Fashion Police, E-True Hollywood Story, The Family Guy (yes me love it) ..oh well basically everrrything on the E channel makes it to my daily 'graveyard hours' tuning.
Yes sordid, when i should have spent those quality times (i assume it is my standard of 'quality' time as i am very much 'active' during those hours- heck i could (and have been doing so) do labour intensive cleaning chores at that time.
Why am i such a "nocturnal" type? I pretty much 'blame' that trait to all those years enriching and learning about worldy theories of mass communication & media related studies years. Yes, i started to 'learned' doing stay-ups a.k.a. burning midnight oil during my undergrad years as mass communication student.
That aside, i reckon i just have to be at least a little 'selfish' to have a few 4 hours of pure self-absorption in front of the telly with no distraction from my little daughter.
Am i selfish for that? I think not, considering the rest of the hours of the day i spend it on my little girl and had to sacrifice my own priority at this point in my life which is - PROGRESSING ON MY THESIS!
Whenever i think of this, i could not help but to reminisce the experiences that my siblings (especially the sisters) in relation to having help for caring their kid in the crucial first 3 years of their kids' life. They all had one thing in common- our parents 'intervention' and first class help!
Yes, i cringe on the fact that i could not have that 'luxury' with my parents though i still 'help' them regardless in terms of committing myself for monthly 'monetary contribution'.
Of course they aforementioned would never agree with me that they had the easy way out on this matter. Instead they would probably said "where got that much help?" or "no i have never done so.." etc. Well there are many pictures for evidence to dismiss their claim i'd say or even more credible evidences- our parents' testimonies that they were the one who had or 'asked' to 'intervened' for their grandchild upbringing.
Ah well, i guess i am just unlucky. Just as i was 'unlucky' to miss out on big bonuses that my ex-company had to offer this year (note: left the job last year).
BUT one bird said to me once, you must always count your blessings. In that light, with everything that i seem to be 'missing out', i am gaining others. Gain 1) chance of furthering my postgrad studies -sponsored, gain 2) in relation to gain 1, i will (insyaAllah) hope to have a lecturing career, gain 3) as i am technically 'jobless', i got more time with my daughter and as mentioned above, with my parents unable to 'intervene' - i have myself to rely on regarding caring and nursing for my kid, gain 4 and encounting) up to Allah's discretion.....
for that i shall scribble on with my 'gains' progresses:-
A) Daughter
Inching her way to year 2 mark, of course i am all excited as to what will be the perfect way to celebrate her upcoming birthday. For last year, we had a small but merry 'kenduri' / party- started it off with praises to Allah and duas, eat lunch and little 'fun time' involving family members and the birthday girl. So this year, naturally, i am wishing to give my beloved daughter something more interesting for her to enjoy. Of course, if only money is of no obstacle to me, i'd give the worldly birthday bash for her, but since it is not- little budgeting will have to do and that cuts down the options for a few mediocre, typical fast-food joints foods for her OR scout for value for money type of playgyms (since One Utama's kids zone is temporarily out of operation) OR back to the safest bet of all- homemade birthday bash (only issue with this, we cannot have it done at mom's kelana jaya home anymore as it is not mom's anymore...:((....i mean for now though mom still lives there but under the circumstances it would feel so awkward and ironic to have a party that we all know have solemn feel to underneath it all, which will leave me with having it at our own home in saujana utama - which means it is far from most acquaintances/friends that the possibilities of any guests showing themselves will be greatly reduced to ..none! )
B) MA student's life
So as scheduled, i have finished all my coursework subjects. ( all 5 of them ) now awaiting for the results *coughs* which i reckon not will be what i dreamed off, but hopefully sufficient to get me pass the coursework hurdles (Amen). If that does not happen, i am really lost as to what will i have to do next. :(( although the semester this year been re-scheduled ( postgrad now enjoys a long 5 months of break!! ) i do not think my scholarship will be 'extended' as well...:(( . And with that, i have approximately 6 short months to complete my thesis and if i ever can afford for an extension, i could only bare a one month's cost of extension (having to force my husband to take care of me financially) ...now with that notion, i could not help to think of finding my 'safety net', you know to prepare myself for the worst. the only way is- finding myself a day job! i do not need fancy ones though but must be able to cover all the costs of me getting to work without the need to 'touch' the already tight scholarship budget. AND if that is the case, i just have to find a nanny/help/daycare for my girl.
C) Marriage
This whole issue of 'i have to take care of our baby most of the time and not you', is really beginning to 'eat' its way into my relationship with the husband, i feel. I mean, here i am having to take over the tasks as homemaker/nanny/maid/wife that runs without 'vacation' and according to the little girl's hours, while husband goes to work to bring the bread back home. And when he does get home, he would want his magical 'me time' that is quite impossible to get because our girl just could not resist him and for that i will always be 'released' from her attention and i would then be the one 'relaxing' while he does not. SO, naturally he will pouts (figuratively) at this, and whines about how hard he has been working and in need of his time too. BUT. BUT it is not like he have a CHOICE just like i DO NOT have CHOICE to not say "no, raihanna..today you have to take care of yourself" ..so he have to be fair in this, i feel ..but most of the time, just as he claims i am whining, he is whining himself too about having to babysit our little girl. I could be selfish just as he is being 'selfish' whenever he gets to go to work and have 'his time' centered to himself and ...work whenever his off days were, BUT BUT i never did. So in the end, most of our 'at first starts as a decent, mature discussions of parenting feelings will more often than not ends in spat/sulk/rage of i have been doing more-you do not-debate'..........:(( yes it is not healthy for our marriage. BUT again, perhaps this is one of the bumps in the life-long ride of matrimony. And also perhaps, because husband is not familiar with baby-related-issues and the fact as he has divorced parents and having raised by aunts & grandparents with lack of love,cuddle, and attention throughout..made him somewhat 'hollow' inside everytime i speak of the hardships as housewife (since he has never seen how hard it is a wife has to take of a household or young souls for that matter)..i mean, do not get me wrong, i am not saying that he does not love his child (he definitely loves the child more than he does his wife at this point!) BUT he is really short-tempered when it comes to handling little kiddo's tantrums i.e. the whinings, cryings, attention seeking pouts etc. not to mention, he has NEVER really took care our baby the way i have to for a consecutive days..
CONCLUSION: much of the irony my pursuit of happiness, i have to undergo so much agony and pain, while i am not craving for empathy from friends or families i do long for my husband's understandings at this point of my life of which i find it all too lacking and he seems not wanting to discuss or burden anything about my main concern now : having to take care of my child and get my studies done a.s.a.p. ....i am just tired with all this ..:(( i am so ready to call it quits and find myself a job ...perhaps a career in academia will only be a dream that was too near but yet still very far to reach. Oh Allah please show me the way.
Simply put, my life is not that interesting anyway for me to keep updating this blog for the world to see ( as if that is the case - note: the world to see). BUT again, who cares if there is no one else but me reading this blog, it is after all intended for my view, recollections & self-gratification (note: narcissistic)
Ah, well. Life is pretty mundane and very um..routinic. And no, not for my benefits, rather is all about my daughter's life now. I live and breath Nur Raihanna Iman , that soon to turn 2 next month! I wake up by her side (most of the time, as i have been sleeping on the couch lately due to my 'stubbornness' to have some "me time" a.k.a. catching on repeat shows such as Masterchef (and Jr series too), American Next Top Model, Fashion Police, E-True Hollywood Story, The Family Guy (yes me love it) ..oh well basically everrrything on the E channel makes it to my daily 'graveyard hours' tuning.
Yes sordid, when i should have spent those quality times (i assume it is my standard of 'quality' time as i am very much 'active' during those hours- heck i could (and have been doing so) do labour intensive cleaning chores at that time.
Why am i such a "nocturnal" type? I pretty much 'blame' that trait to all those years enriching and learning about worldy theories of mass communication & media related studies years. Yes, i started to 'learned' doing stay-ups a.k.a. burning midnight oil during my undergrad years as mass communication student.
That aside, i reckon i just have to be at least a little 'selfish' to have a few 4 hours of pure self-absorption in front of the telly with no distraction from my little daughter.
Am i selfish for that? I think not, considering the rest of the hours of the day i spend it on my little girl and had to sacrifice my own priority at this point in my life which is - PROGRESSING ON MY THESIS!
Whenever i think of this, i could not help but to reminisce the experiences that my siblings (especially the sisters) in relation to having help for caring their kid in the crucial first 3 years of their kids' life. They all had one thing in common- our parents 'intervention' and first class help!
Yes, i cringe on the fact that i could not have that 'luxury' with my parents though i still 'help' them regardless in terms of committing myself for monthly 'monetary contribution'.
Of course they aforementioned would never agree with me that they had the easy way out on this matter. Instead they would probably said "where got that much help?" or "no i have never done so.." etc. Well there are many pictures for evidence to dismiss their claim i'd say or even more credible evidences- our parents' testimonies that they were the one who had or 'asked' to 'intervened' for their grandchild upbringing.
Ah well, i guess i am just unlucky. Just as i was 'unlucky' to miss out on big bonuses that my ex-company had to offer this year (note: left the job last year).
BUT one bird said to me once, you must always count your blessings. In that light, with everything that i seem to be 'missing out', i am gaining others. Gain 1) chance of furthering my postgrad studies -sponsored, gain 2) in relation to gain 1, i will (insyaAllah) hope to have a lecturing career, gain 3) as i am technically 'jobless', i got more time with my daughter and as mentioned above, with my parents unable to 'intervene' - i have myself to rely on regarding caring and nursing for my kid, gain 4 and encounting) up to Allah's discretion.....
for that i shall scribble on with my 'gains' progresses:-
A) Daughter
Inching her way to year 2 mark, of course i am all excited as to what will be the perfect way to celebrate her upcoming birthday. For last year, we had a small but merry 'kenduri' / party- started it off with praises to Allah and duas, eat lunch and little 'fun time' involving family members and the birthday girl. So this year, naturally, i am wishing to give my beloved daughter something more interesting for her to enjoy. Of course, if only money is of no obstacle to me, i'd give the worldly birthday bash for her, but since it is not- little budgeting will have to do and that cuts down the options for a few mediocre, typical fast-food joints foods for her OR scout for value for money type of playgyms (since One Utama's kids zone is temporarily out of operation) OR back to the safest bet of all- homemade birthday bash (only issue with this, we cannot have it done at mom's kelana jaya home anymore as it is not mom's anymore...:((....i mean for now though mom still lives there but under the circumstances it would feel so awkward and ironic to have a party that we all know have solemn feel to underneath it all, which will leave me with having it at our own home in saujana utama - which means it is far from most acquaintances/friends that the possibilities of any guests showing themselves will be greatly reduced to ..none! )
B) MA student's life
So as scheduled, i have finished all my coursework subjects. ( all 5 of them ) now awaiting for the results *coughs* which i reckon not will be what i dreamed off, but hopefully sufficient to get me pass the coursework hurdles (Amen). If that does not happen, i am really lost as to what will i have to do next. :(( although the semester this year been re-scheduled ( postgrad now enjoys a long 5 months of break!! ) i do not think my scholarship will be 'extended' as well...:(( . And with that, i have approximately 6 short months to complete my thesis and if i ever can afford for an extension, i could only bare a one month's cost of extension (having to force my husband to take care of me financially) ...now with that notion, i could not help to think of finding my 'safety net', you know to prepare myself for the worst. the only way is- finding myself a day job! i do not need fancy ones though but must be able to cover all the costs of me getting to work without the need to 'touch' the already tight scholarship budget. AND if that is the case, i just have to find a nanny/help/daycare for my girl.
C) Marriage
This whole issue of 'i have to take care of our baby most of the time and not you', is really beginning to 'eat' its way into my relationship with the husband, i feel. I mean, here i am having to take over the tasks as homemaker/nanny/maid/wife that runs without 'vacation' and according to the little girl's hours, while husband goes to work to bring the bread back home. And when he does get home, he would want his magical 'me time' that is quite impossible to get because our girl just could not resist him and for that i will always be 'released' from her attention and i would then be the one 'relaxing' while he does not. SO, naturally he will pouts (figuratively) at this, and whines about how hard he has been working and in need of his time too. BUT. BUT it is not like he have a CHOICE just like i DO NOT have CHOICE to not say "no, raihanna..today you have to take care of yourself" ..so he have to be fair in this, i feel ..but most of the time, just as he claims i am whining, he is whining himself too about having to babysit our little girl. I could be selfish just as he is being 'selfish' whenever he gets to go to work and have 'his time' centered to himself and ...work whenever his off days were, BUT BUT i never did. So in the end, most of our 'at first starts as a decent, mature discussions of parenting feelings will more often than not ends in spat/sulk/rage of i have been doing more-you do not-debate'..........:(( yes it is not healthy for our marriage. BUT again, perhaps this is one of the bumps in the life-long ride of matrimony. And also perhaps, because husband is not familiar with baby-related-issues and the fact as he has divorced parents and having raised by aunts & grandparents with lack of love,cuddle, and attention throughout..made him somewhat 'hollow' inside everytime i speak of the hardships as housewife (since he has never seen how hard it is a wife has to take of a household or young souls for that matter)..i mean, do not get me wrong, i am not saying that he does not love his child (he definitely loves the child more than he does his wife at this point!) BUT he is really short-tempered when it comes to handling little kiddo's tantrums i.e. the whinings, cryings, attention seeking pouts etc. not to mention, he has NEVER really took care our baby the way i have to for a consecutive days..
CONCLUSION: much of the irony my pursuit of happiness, i have to undergo so much agony and pain, while i am not craving for empathy from friends or families i do long for my husband's understandings at this point of my life of which i find it all too lacking and he seems not wanting to discuss or burden anything about my main concern now : having to take care of my child and get my studies done a.s.a.p. ....i am just tired with all this ..:(( i am so ready to call it quits and find myself a job ...perhaps a career in academia will only be a dream that was too near but yet still very far to reach. Oh Allah please show me the way.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
I Promise Not To Whine..
Salam.
I used to be one of those skeptics that think being a mom is an easy job. I mean, how hard can it be caring for a kid (i decided on this based on my experience nannying 5 nieces and nephews at young age).
Fastforward, at 29 years of age, i learned the bitter truth about parenting- it is nothing short of hardwork, headaches and heartbreaks. Mommyhood is pure roller-coaster feelings- it is all mixed to one; at times you feel blessed upon seeing your bundle of joy's life progress-from teething, crawling, running, talking etc; then there are other times when you feel all flat on your face, super-pressured to be this strong image of a good mom/dad-nursing, caring at all costs at anytime of the day without complaining or whining...
What i learned most about being a mom at quite a young age (considering how so-called modern women these days feel about marriage & career)- is that i have to sacrifice alot on my freedom as an individual.
Gone were the days i could wake up anytime i please (well i must confess, lately i did this sort of thing..of course in between being awake and sleepy- i veggied myself out either on my couch or bed till before noon with my daughter waiting patiently for her mommy to stand on her two feet and bath/feed her..such a good girl), do whatever i want at my whimp, go wherever i feel like going, buy nonsensical things on impulse....just have things done the way i like it to be.
NOW, it is about what should i get for my daughter first, if i go to any restaurant, the menu to look for is something i could share with the toddler-nothing fancy/spicy/oily; finding a place for family leisure-do they have a playground, kid's changing room, is the place toddler-friendly in a sense is it big enough for my daughter's oversize pram to manuever, do they have kid's high chair etc.- just some of things that i'd definitely consider before even venturing out and making plans for the day.
As if being a mommy was not demanding enough, i made a decision to quit my already complacent/doing-well job (was climbing the ladder of success, well on the verge of climbing...) for an even crazier, hectic life as full-time postgrad student + mom.
I thought then, 'sure, i can pull this off' or 'yes, i foresee it to be fulled with hurdles+hiccups+shits+rainbows, but i will SURVIVE, no problem, determination is the key'....
..........now inching to a year as full-time student and on ending my second semester - i am having second thoughts..all that 'i am a superwoman, ms independent, girl power' senses in me...slowly vapourizing/diminishing into thin air and untraceable.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ouch! reality bites me on the ARSE like big time babeh.....and it hurts with no sufficient words to describe the pain.
SIGH. i do not know if this is something more than i thought i could take. it surely beginning to feel like it. I am slowly losing focus- first the dream of undergrad redemption gone down the drain; even worse i am doing far humiliating than i did in my undergrads and if this rate continues= equally gone the chance to take phd outside of malaysian boarderlines. Secondly, not only i was bold and focus when starting out to make this work in less than 2 years, but now under the circumstances, i'd probably risking to push my graduation date even further than planned.
+++++++++++++++++++++++SLappppppppppppppppppEDDDD myself on the face.
NO,NO, NO...i am not whining. NO,NO,NO i am not weak. Truth is, too many happenings in my life insofar causing me 'derailed' from the tracks to glory. And it is just so sad..really. Not only the fact i started student life with a toddler as my extra baggage already causing my first handicap-i do not have help in this crucial years of the studies, makes it more discouraging (2 indonesian maids i had in less than 2 years, became nothing but history of my life now..as they 'took-off' without notice). I did try one of those nurseries thingy, but did not like the fact is causing my daughter's health in ups&downs- the worse being, daughter was sick from flu+coughs for more than a month.
To top it off, dad who has always been the 'stronger and healthier' parent as opposed to mom, undergo a surgery at the end of last year and have since caused change his life; now i do not have one parent (mom) that is sick and need attention, but dad who had always been the one looking out for mom, also required attention as he too is not well. As if that is not enough, my parents is losing the only property they have, subsequently a lost to all of us-to me especially as that house is the same age with me and for the past 29 years-all memories were drawn from that place.
Adding more pressure for this- i feel that i am one of the two last carrier of hopes of my parents to help them out as other siblings at this point of their life could not do much (they have their own battles to fight) and the fact i am not working when i should be (i feel given the circumstances) i could /must help with whatever i have (which unfortunately i do not have much...)
++++++++++++++
so tell me, if there is one person out there who could go/have gone through everything given the same if not worst conditions than i do- i really must speak to that person or at least learned her/his tricks of survival under extreme social pressures- because at this point in life, i feel i am for the gezillion times since all hell break loose- on the verge of emotional break down and quitting seems to be the only way out.....:((
amidst all this challenges- one frustration to the next keeps haunting me down- one of it being that everytime it seems i have put an extra effort to studying, the results did not turn out the way i anticipated it would be (mind you i do not, have never put too much hope, but pass mediocre line essentially what my goals has always been) but..but...after 2 papers i think it is confirmed - early revision, concentrated work, hardworking, full references, will not do me much justic, since all my laidback, last minute study, choppy, sloppy work have got me better grades than those i put my back to it. such irony in my sordid life, and this i promise is no whining, just mere scribbling of my study idiosyncracies.
I used to be one of those skeptics that think being a mom is an easy job. I mean, how hard can it be caring for a kid (i decided on this based on my experience nannying 5 nieces and nephews at young age).
Fastforward, at 29 years of age, i learned the bitter truth about parenting- it is nothing short of hardwork, headaches and heartbreaks. Mommyhood is pure roller-coaster feelings- it is all mixed to one; at times you feel blessed upon seeing your bundle of joy's life progress-from teething, crawling, running, talking etc; then there are other times when you feel all flat on your face, super-pressured to be this strong image of a good mom/dad-nursing, caring at all costs at anytime of the day without complaining or whining...
What i learned most about being a mom at quite a young age (considering how so-called modern women these days feel about marriage & career)- is that i have to sacrifice alot on my freedom as an individual.
Gone were the days i could wake up anytime i please (well i must confess, lately i did this sort of thing..of course in between being awake and sleepy- i veggied myself out either on my couch or bed till before noon with my daughter waiting patiently for her mommy to stand on her two feet and bath/feed her..such a good girl), do whatever i want at my whimp, go wherever i feel like going, buy nonsensical things on impulse....just have things done the way i like it to be.
NOW, it is about what should i get for my daughter first, if i go to any restaurant, the menu to look for is something i could share with the toddler-nothing fancy/spicy/oily; finding a place for family leisure-do they have a playground, kid's changing room, is the place toddler-friendly in a sense is it big enough for my daughter's oversize pram to manuever, do they have kid's high chair etc.- just some of things that i'd definitely consider before even venturing out and making plans for the day.
As if being a mommy was not demanding enough, i made a decision to quit my already complacent/doing-well job (was climbing the ladder of success, well on the verge of climbing...) for an even crazier, hectic life as full-time postgrad student + mom.
I thought then, 'sure, i can pull this off' or 'yes, i foresee it to be fulled with hurdles+hiccups+shits+rainbows, but i will SURVIVE, no problem, determination is the key'....
..........now inching to a year as full-time student and on ending my second semester - i am having second thoughts..all that 'i am a superwoman, ms independent, girl power' senses in me...slowly vapourizing/diminishing into thin air and untraceable.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ouch! reality bites me on the ARSE like big time babeh.....and it hurts with no sufficient words to describe the pain.
SIGH. i do not know if this is something more than i thought i could take. it surely beginning to feel like it. I am slowly losing focus- first the dream of undergrad redemption gone down the drain; even worse i am doing far humiliating than i did in my undergrads and if this rate continues= equally gone the chance to take phd outside of malaysian boarderlines. Secondly, not only i was bold and focus when starting out to make this work in less than 2 years, but now under the circumstances, i'd probably risking to push my graduation date even further than planned.
+++++++++++++++++++++++SLappppppppppppppppppEDDDD myself on the face.
NO,NO, NO...i am not whining. NO,NO,NO i am not weak. Truth is, too many happenings in my life insofar causing me 'derailed' from the tracks to glory. And it is just so sad..really. Not only the fact i started student life with a toddler as my extra baggage already causing my first handicap-i do not have help in this crucial years of the studies, makes it more discouraging (2 indonesian maids i had in less than 2 years, became nothing but history of my life now..as they 'took-off' without notice). I did try one of those nurseries thingy, but did not like the fact is causing my daughter's health in ups&downs- the worse being, daughter was sick from flu+coughs for more than a month.
To top it off, dad who has always been the 'stronger and healthier' parent as opposed to mom, undergo a surgery at the end of last year and have since caused change his life; now i do not have one parent (mom) that is sick and need attention, but dad who had always been the one looking out for mom, also required attention as he too is not well. As if that is not enough, my parents is losing the only property they have, subsequently a lost to all of us-to me especially as that house is the same age with me and for the past 29 years-all memories were drawn from that place.
Adding more pressure for this- i feel that i am one of the two last carrier of hopes of my parents to help them out as other siblings at this point of their life could not do much (they have their own battles to fight) and the fact i am not working when i should be (i feel given the circumstances) i could /must help with whatever i have (which unfortunately i do not have much...)
++++++++++++++
so tell me, if there is one person out there who could go/have gone through everything given the same if not worst conditions than i do- i really must speak to that person or at least learned her/his tricks of survival under extreme social pressures- because at this point in life, i feel i am for the gezillion times since all hell break loose- on the verge of emotional break down and quitting seems to be the only way out.....:((
amidst all this challenges- one frustration to the next keeps haunting me down- one of it being that everytime it seems i have put an extra effort to studying, the results did not turn out the way i anticipated it would be (mind you i do not, have never put too much hope, but pass mediocre line essentially what my goals has always been) but..but...after 2 papers i think it is confirmed - early revision, concentrated work, hardworking, full references, will not do me much justic, since all my laidback, last minute study, choppy, sloppy work have got me better grades than those i put my back to it. such irony in my sordid life, and this i promise is no whining, just mere scribbling of my study idiosyncracies.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Updates Uolss!
Salam..
Ahah. Again the procrastinator is here. and this entry will not be procrastinated anymore. REASON for not updating: Other than being occupied with fulltime mommyhood, of course assignments and classes made it to my whining-cursing-oh-why-i-have-no-time-for-myself-list. Not that i am officially a free bird now (well almost for this sem at least, 50% there..) but all major homeworks have been handed in, and what is left to face in my MA battle is final exam that is up in less than 3 weeks! However, i am in no way free, just somewhat, 'release' from any major headaches for now..
OK. who am i kidding. The postgrad stress will always be there until...i am a graduate. With less than a year to go before my scholarship runs out, I have yet made any real progress with my dissertation.
At this point, i am really regretting the fact i took what i took for that matter. Solely because i am binded to a certain requirement for my dissertation- category predetermined, of which is totally out of context with what has been taught to me throughout this entire course. NOW, if i was just like any other students, I have NO problem concocting a subject matter for dissertation.
NO, not being cocky. Just pure realist. Because i have done all the coursework, I am familiar with the concepts and theories regarding the coursework, so technically i could cook up something if i want just to fill the bill for a scroll.
BUT that is not the case for me. I cannot just do anything. Even worse i have to do something off-the-tracks totally. NOW if that does not make any other sane person even stressful, i dont know what will. Doing something that you have not got the chance to familiarise with. That you have not studied. Seriously, it is tough.
HOWEVER, being a fighter (yes, such contradiction- i am a whiner as well as a fighter) i DO have an idea of what i COULD do. just that, because the department i am in, is not related with what i have to do, as such there are no or lack of experts in that particular field, i could only ask for suggestion from some lecturers i know of only to be quite disappointed because they themselves are not well-versed in the matter- as such only could give very basic rules and guidance. OK probably i have not found the right person, but..until i do, this feelings of being lost and confuse will be lingering on for some time.
YADAYAYDAYAYDAYAYDAYADA...bluerghh. gosh, even writing them out (angst over not-making any real progress with my dissertation) exhaust me! OK gotta stop.
Ahah. Again the procrastinator is here. and this entry will not be procrastinated anymore. REASON for not updating: Other than being occupied with fulltime mommyhood, of course assignments and classes made it to my whining-cursing-oh-why-i-have-no-time-for-myself-list. Not that i am officially a free bird now (well almost for this sem at least, 50% there..) but all major homeworks have been handed in, and what is left to face in my MA battle is final exam that is up in less than 3 weeks! However, i am in no way free, just somewhat, 'release' from any major headaches for now..
OK. who am i kidding. The postgrad stress will always be there until...i am a graduate. With less than a year to go before my scholarship runs out, I have yet made any real progress with my dissertation.
At this point, i am really regretting the fact i took what i took for that matter. Solely because i am binded to a certain requirement for my dissertation- category predetermined, of which is totally out of context with what has been taught to me throughout this entire course. NOW, if i was just like any other students, I have NO problem concocting a subject matter for dissertation.
NO, not being cocky. Just pure realist. Because i have done all the coursework, I am familiar with the concepts and theories regarding the coursework, so technically i could cook up something if i want just to fill the bill for a scroll.
BUT that is not the case for me. I cannot just do anything. Even worse i have to do something off-the-tracks totally. NOW if that does not make any other sane person even stressful, i dont know what will. Doing something that you have not got the chance to familiarise with. That you have not studied. Seriously, it is tough.
HOWEVER, being a fighter (yes, such contradiction- i am a whiner as well as a fighter) i DO have an idea of what i COULD do. just that, because the department i am in, is not related with what i have to do, as such there are no or lack of experts in that particular field, i could only ask for suggestion from some lecturers i know of only to be quite disappointed because they themselves are not well-versed in the matter- as such only could give very basic rules and guidance. OK probably i have not found the right person, but..until i do, this feelings of being lost and confuse will be lingering on for some time.
YADAYAYDAYAYDAYAYDAYADA...bluerghh. gosh, even writing them out (angst over not-making any real progress with my dissertation) exhaust me! OK gotta stop.
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
SOOOOO, what is new? Tettttttttttt..NOTHING. ahah. again sordid details about to be poured out on www. screw that. onto something more gay and cherry.
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
MALAYSIAN POLITICS? getting too controversial and almost circus-like with dirty exposure and accusations, name-callings, drama drama drama....from one detail to another, and in between, whattt another death incidents implicating something so familiar? suicide or homocide? for now, dont speculate, dont decide, i'd say and personally i dont care.
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
LOCAL ENTERTAINMENT? another so-called most grandeur award show held in the all too familiar location. vain place for a taste of celebs life, feeling all too glamourous and hollywood wannabes. again personally, felt nauseating and wanting to vomit at the sights of them feeling oh-f-it- i-m- a- shtar, with shimmering dress and dying to broadcast their sponsors name any chance they had, hence the cliche brainless chitchats while on podium announcing the nominees and winners "apa khabar?", "bangga saya berdiri sebelah si jelita/jambu/kacak", "cantik baju", "wow, awak nampak lawa", "apa projek baru" and the cliche brainless chitchats continue..*vomit* I would rather watch HBO or my japanese drama DVDs than tuning to that channel, BUT en suami wanted to watch them saying, "come on mami, support malaysia la" again, *vomit* this aint about supporting malaysian entertainment industry, if i dont watch it does not make less patriotic about the industry, it is after all 'most popular' this and that categories on the basis of so-called solely fans vote. *vomit* with one particular name withdraw from the show, truly made way for others to stand a chance to win. BUT again, i dont think at all those who won, truly manifest the best in the industries. nonetheless, i dont really have anything against those who won, really not my business- except one name of which i think *vomit* dont deserve the trophy because having seen her in close proximity because i used to work under the same rooftop, i dont think she is all she appears to be in the public, except being one dubious, conniving, magnificent actress. *vomit again*
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
oh little something on raja lawak. now in a grandeur season-maharaja lawak, where all the top-3 finalists compete for a grand prize RM300k in cash!!!! wow. that is some money man. i wish i could have that.....oh man, i do wish winning cash money anytime. haha. so anyways,the show is now in its second week, with ac mizal as host and so-called 'experience' and 'credible' faces of the industry as juries...except Apek, i think the other two are not comedian and the basis of why they are chosen is debatable. that aside, i thought performances to watch out for and worth the time are that of jozan, nabil, sepah and balas! i bet jozan, sepah and nabil will be the top 3 BUT knowing it is not completely a REALITY show with decision PURELY made on the votes cast by fans (come on .. with astro or any tv shows for that matter, nothing is real real and transparent anytime they put on a show with fans voting system in it..there tend to be manipulation or special prior decisions made) - i make this claims based on 3 apparent reason:
1) no verification nor authentication as to the real numbers contributing the participants' percentages. I mean, they say so an so wins with so and so percentage, BUT who can confirm for real if those numbers are true or even existed! Nor there is no auditors like in juara lagu (just to cite an example) to emits credibility to the numbers of votes. Also, there has never been an explanation of how many thousands of people that voted that made up that particular percentage (in comparison with American Idols or even ABPBH)
2) look at how they so-called 'open' the voting lines in every show. they so called 'open' it right after the show starts and 'end' it just after the last act done doing their thing. I mean, in one way, it could be translated as suicidal if there are people (excludes those die-hard fans that would vote regardless the performances of their interest) who would vote accordingly, those 'on-the-fence-voters'..and say the last act really did crack them up and they want to cast their votes but cannot do so because the line is immediately close after the act finishes the sketch. what idiocy is that? is astro wants to appear unsuspicious, they should at least break for a commercial before resuming the show and announce the line is officially close, or why dont you go all capitalism- open it throughout the whole week and ends it just 10 mins before the show ends every friday.
3) look at last season winners. balas has been on the top of the list with 40%-50% majority, leaving their comrades with a mere 5%-15%, and yet in the finale, they dropped to third place! just like suddenly, kepooff..there goes the 1st prize dream. conspiracy indeed. the same scenarios with other fans-voting shows with the company...and confirmed by insiders, that winners are predetermined and favouritism do exist!
that is why, though i would not mind charging my bills voting for my favourite acts, i would not do so ...not until i am convinced those money i spent really did make a contribution to the participants either increasing/decreasing their winning chance.
1) no verification nor authentication as to the real numbers contributing the participants' percentages. I mean, they say so an so wins with so and so percentage, BUT who can confirm for real if those numbers are true or even existed! Nor there is no auditors like in juara lagu (just to cite an example) to emits credibility to the numbers of votes. Also, there has never been an explanation of how many thousands of people that voted that made up that particular percentage (in comparison with American Idols or even ABPBH)
2) look at how they so-called 'open' the voting lines in every show. they so called 'open' it right after the show starts and 'end' it just after the last act done doing their thing. I mean, in one way, it could be translated as suicidal if there are people (excludes those die-hard fans that would vote regardless the performances of their interest) who would vote accordingly, those 'on-the-fence-voters'..and say the last act really did crack them up and they want to cast their votes but cannot do so because the line is immediately close after the act finishes the sketch. what idiocy is that? is astro wants to appear unsuspicious, they should at least break for a commercial before resuming the show and announce the line is officially close, or why dont you go all capitalism- open it throughout the whole week and ends it just 10 mins before the show ends every friday.
3) look at last season winners. balas has been on the top of the list with 40%-50% majority, leaving their comrades with a mere 5%-15%, and yet in the finale, they dropped to third place! just like suddenly, kepooff..there goes the 1st prize dream. conspiracy indeed. the same scenarios with other fans-voting shows with the company...and confirmed by insiders, that winners are predetermined and favouritism do exist!
that is why, though i would not mind charging my bills voting for my favourite acts, i would not do so ...not until i am convinced those money i spent really did make a contribution to the participants either increasing/decreasing their winning chance.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)