I Promise Not To Whine..

Salam.

I used to be one of those skeptics that think being a mom is an easy job. I mean, how hard can it be caring for a kid (i decided on this based on my experience nannying 5 nieces and nephews at young age).

Fastforward, at 29 years of age, i learned the bitter truth about parenting- it is nothing short of hardwork, headaches and heartbreaks. Mommyhood is pure roller-coaster feelings- it is all mixed to one; at times you feel blessed upon seeing your bundle of joy's life progress-from teething, crawling, running, talking etc; then there are other times when you feel all flat on your face, super-pressured to be this strong image of a good mom/dad-nursing, caring at all costs at anytime of the day without complaining or whining...

What i learned most about being a mom at quite a young age (considering how so-called modern women these days feel about marriage & career)- is that i have to sacrifice alot on my freedom as an individual.

Gone were the days i could wake up anytime i please (well i must confess, lately i did this sort of thing..of course in between being awake and sleepy- i veggied myself out either on my couch or bed till before noon with my daughter waiting patiently for her mommy to stand on her two feet and bath/feed her..such a good girl), do whatever i want at my whimp, go wherever i feel like going, buy nonsensical things on impulse....just have things done the way i like it to be.

NOW, it is about what should i get for my daughter first, if i go to any restaurant, the menu to look for is something i could share with the toddler-nothing fancy/spicy/oily; finding a place for family leisure-do they have a playground, kid's changing room, is the place toddler-friendly in a sense is it big enough for my daughter's oversize pram to manuever, do they have kid's high chair etc.- just some of things that i'd definitely consider before even venturing out and making plans for the day.

As if being a mommy was not demanding enough, i made a decision to quit my already complacent/doing-well job (was climbing the ladder of success, well on the verge of climbing...) for an even crazier, hectic life as full-time postgrad student + mom.

I thought then, 'sure, i can pull this off' or 'yes, i foresee it to be fulled with hurdles+hiccups+shits+rainbows, but i will SURVIVE, no problem, determination is the key'....

..........now inching to a year as full-time student and on ending my second semester - i am having second thoughts..all that 'i am a superwoman, ms independent, girl power' senses in me...slowly vapourizing/diminishing into thin air and untraceable.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ouch! reality bites me on the ARSE like big time babeh.....and it hurts with no sufficient words to describe the pain.

SIGH. i do not know if this is something more than i thought i could take. it surely beginning to feel like it. I am slowly losing focus- first the dream of undergrad redemption gone down the drain; even worse i am doing far humiliating than i did in my undergrads and if this rate continues= equally gone the chance to take phd outside of malaysian boarderlines. Secondly, not only i was bold and focus when starting out to make this work in less than 2 years, but now under the circumstances, i'd probably risking to push my graduation date even further than planned.

+++++++++++++++++++++++SLappppppppppppppppppEDDDD myself on the face.

NO,NO, NO...i am not whining. NO,NO,NO i am not weak. Truth is, too many happenings in my life insofar causing me 'derailed' from the tracks to glory. And it is just so sad..really. Not only the fact i started student life with a toddler as my extra baggage already causing my first handicap-i do not have help in this crucial years of the studies, makes it more discouraging (2 indonesian maids i had in less than 2 years, became nothing but history of my life now..as they 'took-off' without notice). I did try one of those nurseries thingy, but did not like the fact is causing my daughter's health in ups&downs- the worse being, daughter was sick from flu+coughs for more than a month.

To top it off, dad who has always been the 'stronger and healthier' parent as opposed to mom, undergo a surgery at the end of last year and have since caused change his life; now i do not have one parent (mom) that is sick and need attention, but dad who had always been the one looking out for mom, also required attention as he too is not well. As if that is not enough, my parents is losing the only property they have, subsequently a lost to all of us-to me especially as that house is the same age with me and for the past 29 years-all memories were drawn from that place.

Adding more pressure for this- i feel that i am one of the two last carrier of hopes of my parents to help them out as other siblings at this point of their life could not do much (they have their own battles to fight) and the fact i am not working when i should be (i feel given the circumstances) i could /must help with whatever i have (which unfortunately i do not have much...)

++++++++++++++

so tell me, if there is one person out there who could go/have gone through everything given the same if not worst conditions than i do- i really must speak to that person or at least learned her/his tricks of survival under extreme social pressures- because at this point in life, i feel i am for the gezillion times since all hell break loose- on the verge of emotional break down and quitting seems to be the only way out.....:((

amidst all this challenges- one frustration to the next keeps haunting me down- one of it being that everytime it seems i have put an extra effort to studying, the results did not turn out the way i anticipated it would be (mind you i do not, have never put too much hope, but pass mediocre line essentially what my goals has always been) but..but...after 2 papers i think it is confirmed - early revision, concentrated work, hardworking, full references, will not do me much justic, since all my laidback, last minute study, choppy, sloppy work have got me better grades than those i put my back to it. such irony in my sordid life, and this i promise is no whining, just mere scribbling of my study idiosyncracies.

Updates Uolss!

Salam..

Ahah. Again the procrastinator is here. and this entry will not be procrastinated anymore. REASON for not updating: Other than being occupied with fulltime mommyhood, of course assignments and classes made it to my whining-cursing-oh-why-i-have-no-time-for-myself-list. Not that i am officially a free bird now (well almost for this sem at least, 50% there..) but all major homeworks have been handed in, and what is left to face in my MA battle is final exam that is up in less than 3 weeks! However, i am in no way free, just somewhat, 'release' from any major headaches for now..

OK. who am i kidding. The postgrad stress will always be there until...i am a graduate. With less than a year to go before my scholarship runs out, I have yet made any real progress with my dissertation.

At this point, i am really regretting the fact i took what i took for that matter. Solely because i am binded to a certain requirement for my dissertation- category predetermined, of which is totally out of context with what has been taught to me throughout this entire course. NOW, if i was just like any other students, I have NO problem concocting a subject matter for dissertation.

NO, not being cocky. Just pure realist. Because i have done all the coursework, I am familiar with the concepts and theories regarding the coursework, so technically i could cook up something if i want just to fill the bill for a scroll.

BUT that is not the case for me. I cannot just do anything. Even worse i have to do something off-the-tracks totally. NOW if that does not make any other sane person even stressful, i dont know what will. Doing something that you have not got the chance to familiarise with. That you have not studied. Seriously, it is tough.

HOWEVER, being a fighter (yes, such contradiction- i am a whiner as well as a fighter) i DO have an idea of what i COULD do. just that, because the department i am in, is not related with what i have to do, as such there are no or lack of experts in that particular field, i could only ask for suggestion from some lecturers i know of only to be quite disappointed because they themselves are not well-versed in the matter- as such only could give very basic rules and guidance. OK probably i have not found the right person, but..until i do, this feelings of being lost and confuse will be lingering on for some time.

YADAYAYDAYAYDAYAYDAYADA...bluerghh. gosh, even writing them out (angst over not-making any real progress with my dissertation) exhaust me! OK gotta stop.

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SOOOOO, what is new? Tettttttttttt..NOTHING. ahah. again sordid details about to be poured out on www. screw that. onto something more gay and cherry.

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MALAYSIAN POLITICS? getting too controversial and almost circus-like with dirty exposure and accusations, name-callings, drama drama drama....from one detail to another, and in between, whattt another death incidents implicating something so familiar? suicide or homocide? for now, dont speculate, dont decide, i'd say and personally i dont care.

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LOCAL ENTERTAINMENT? another so-called most grandeur award show held in the all too familiar location. vain place for a taste of celebs life, feeling all too glamourous and hollywood wannabes. again personally, felt nauseating and wanting to vomit at the sights of them feeling oh-f-it- i-m- a- shtar, with shimmering dress and dying to broadcast their sponsors name any chance they had, hence the cliche brainless chitchats while on podium announcing the nominees and winners "apa khabar?", "bangga saya berdiri sebelah si jelita/jambu/kacak", "cantik baju", "wow, awak nampak lawa", "apa projek baru" and the cliche brainless chitchats continue..*vomit* I would rather watch HBO or my japanese drama DVDs than tuning to that channel, BUT en suami wanted to watch them saying, "come on mami, support malaysia la" again, *vomit* this aint about supporting malaysian entertainment industry, if i dont watch it does not make less patriotic about the industry, it is after all 'most popular' this and that categories on the basis of so-called solely fans vote. *vomit* with one particular name withdraw from the show, truly made way for others to stand a chance to win. BUT again, i dont think at all those who won, truly manifest the best in the industries. nonetheless, i dont really have anything against those who won, really not my business- except one name of which i think *vomit* dont deserve the trophy because having seen her in close proximity because i used to work under the same rooftop, i dont think she is all she appears to be in the public, except being one dubious, conniving, magnificent actress. *vomit again*

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oh little something on raja lawak. now in a grandeur season-maharaja lawak, where all the top-3 finalists compete for a grand prize RM300k in cash!!!! wow. that is some money man. i wish i could have that.....oh man, i do wish winning cash money anytime. haha. so anyways,the show is now in its second week, with ac mizal as host and so-called 'experience' and 'credible' faces of the industry as juries...except Apek, i think the other two are not comedian and the basis of why they are chosen is debatable. that aside, i thought performances to watch out for and worth the time are that of jozan, nabil, sepah and balas! i bet jozan, sepah and nabil will be the top 3 BUT knowing it is not completely a REALITY show with decision PURELY made on the votes cast by fans (come on .. with astro or any tv shows for that matter, nothing is real real and transparent anytime they put on a show with fans voting system in it..there tend to be manipulation or special prior decisions made) - i make this claims based on 3 apparent reason:

1) no verification nor authentication as to the real numbers contributing the participants' percentages. I mean, they say so an so wins with so and so percentage, BUT who can confirm for real if those numbers are true or even existed! Nor there is no auditors like in juara lagu (just to cite an example) to emits credibility to the numbers of votes. Also, there has never been an explanation of how many thousands of people that voted that made up that particular percentage (in comparison with American Idols or even ABPBH)

2) look at how they so-called 'open' the voting lines in every show. they so called 'open' it right after the show starts and 'end' it just after the last act done doing their thing. I mean, in one way, it could be translated as suicidal if there are people (excludes those die-hard fans that would vote regardless the performances of their interest) who would vote accordingly, those 'on-the-fence-voters'..and say the last act really did crack them up and they want to cast their votes but cannot do so because the line is immediately close after the act finishes the sketch. what idiocy is that? is astro wants to appear unsuspicious, they should at least break for a commercial before resuming the show and announce the line is officially close, or why dont you go all capitalism- open it throughout the whole week and ends it just 10 mins before the show ends every friday.

3) look at last season winners. balas has been on the top of the list with 40%-50% majority, leaving their comrades with a mere 5%-15%, and yet in the finale, they dropped to third place! just like suddenly, kepooff..there goes the 1st prize dream. conspiracy indeed. the same scenarios with other fans-voting shows with the company...and confirmed by insiders, that winners are predetermined and favouritism do exist!

that is why, though i would not mind charging my bills voting for my favourite acts, i would not do so ...not until i am convinced those money i spent really did make a contribution to the participants either increasing/decreasing their winning chance.

blue eyes boy that got.....AWAY or more fitting, screwed at..

TETIBA aku baru mendapat berita yang taktau nak kategorikan sebagai gembira ke duka ke...but one thing for sure, it had quite an effect on me..the feelings a bit unknown..tapi aku konfem bukan gembira bila aku dapat tahu seseorang bernama NS telah dikurniakan anak (post ini terpaksa ditulis dalam bm sbb manalah tahu NS baca, dia tak paham bm ..)

NS..aku patutnya rasa happy untuk kau, tapi aku tak rasa pun macam tu..takdelah happy sangat..tapi aku tahu kau happy, bila tengok gambar-gambar terbaru kau tu bersama kurniaan Allah yang diberikan nama Yusuf.

MMG cantik nama tu, secantik bayi yang dilahirkan. Berkulit putih, dan mewarisi sepasang mata biru NS.

MATA BIRU? ye NS bukan melayu. Mahupun bukan Malaysian. Tapi NS seorang MUSLIM. malah lebih muslim daripada aku..

KEPADA NS, jauh disudut hati aku doakan terbaik buat kau. NS was indeed what i would considered, the one that got away..but i was the one that made NS got away, i screwed that chance..

YES silly me i know, anyone else would jump in joy knowing a 'mata biru' wanted your hands in matrimony, tapi aku TIDAK semudah ini biarpun si mata biru satu ini mahu ke tahap the 'big next step' dengan aku.

TAPI aku tetap turn NS down, bukan sebab dia tak kacak (actually NS tergolong dalam kategori si mata biru yang sangat kacak, malah jadi gilaan ramai pompuan, sehinggakan aku rasa seperti tak sepadan, lalu rasa rendah diri);

MALAH bukan juga kerana agama (NS bukan seperti kebanyakkan si mata biru yang perlu meng-convertkan diri sekiranya melangkah ke 'big next step' kerana si mata biru NS yang satu ini sudah lama mengislamkan dirinya sejak berusia 16 tahun)...

TETAPI aku tolak NS kerana entahlah, mungkin aku bodoh dan takut aku tak mampu menjadi seorang muslim yang baik untuk NS yang amat-amat pada pandangan aku telah 'disucikan' Allah dengan hidayahNya...atau mungkin sememangnya aku NAK melayu jugak! senang makan masak lomak cili api dan bukan pizza cheese hari-hari...atau mungkin sebab aku takut dengan idea yang NS mahu bawak aku berhijrah jauh ke bumi amerika selepas that next big step..

YANG bestnya, aku memang yang meng-screw-up-kan apa sahaja kategori perhubungan yang NS dan aku ada masa itu.

SUDAHLAH jarak jauh (tapi awas bukan perkenalan alam maya..semuanya bermula di satu kedai merchandise dan aku diberikan salam oleh si NS membuatkan aku terkejut beruk sebab dia berpakaian ala-ala artis R&B amerika bersama rakannya yang gaya seperti ahli band POD dengan dreadlocks) tapi NS tetap ingin mengenali aku dan hubungan itu bertukar PJJ, dengan balasan emel panjang lebar setiap hari ..kemudian satu hari aku biarkan NS begitu sahaja, dan 'lari' sehinggakan suatu hari NS 'jumpa' aku di satu laman sosial dengan gambar-gambar perkahwinan aku sudah dimuat-naikkan.

NS mengirim satu emel untuk mengesahkan hal itu. Satu emel yang agak, direct dan berbaur kecewa namun NS doakan terbaik buat aku.

TAK lama selepas itu, NS khabarkan dia pula akan menjejaki langkah yang sama seperti aku- 'the big next step' dengan seorang XX berbangsa Afrika yang hanya dikenali NS selama 6 bulan!

KATA NS dalam emel itu, dia tak pun bercinta dengan XX (kini isteri NS yang sah) malah selama tempoh perkenalan, NS hanya keluar (dating) dua kali dengan XX!

KETIKA itu aku rasa memang aku telah kecewakan NS..dan apa yang NS rasa terhadapkan aku adalah genuine.

TAPI aku telah buat keputusan masa itu.. dan aku pilih XY bernama R sebagai suamiku...aku yakin R jodohku dan dia sememang sangat baik terhadap aku...AKU SAYANG R sangat-sangat, semestinya...

KINI kami sudah pun memasuki tahun ke-3 perkahwinan dan mempunyai seorang anak perempuan...biarpun tiada seorang daripada suami dan anak bermata biru (takpe kalau kemaruk sangat nanti anak aku besar, aku suruh pakai contact lens) aku berharap apa yang dibina berkekalan selamanya dan paling penting..bahagia.

BUKAN niat aku mengenang2kan NS. tahlah, selama aku sudah berkahwin kali terakhir kami berbalas emel dalam setahun lepas.

NS sekadar bertanya khabar sesama sendiri. Dan NS setiap kali tiba harijadi aku (setakat ini) tidak lupa mengucapkan tahniah (kerana tarikh lahir kami hanya beza 3 hari dalam bulan yang sama, mungkin kerana itu mudah ingat.. (tapi itu bukan big deal, aku sehingga hari ini boleh namakan beberapa orang yang tarikh lahir sama bulan dengan aku - aku ingat tarikh-tarikh itu HANYA sebab kawan-kawan yang dimaksudkan sama bulan dengan aku, itu je)

MEMANG tiada perasaan lagi antara aku dan NS...

Malah istilah kawan pun mungkin tak sesuai ntahlah walaupun aku masih nak kekalkan sebagai kawan yelah kita tak tahu manalah tahu satu hari nanti aku perlukan bantuan dia sekiranya menjejakkan kaki di bumi asing penuh si mata biru itu..

DAN DONT GET ME WRONG, tulisan di sini bukan aku dok teringat ke kat NS .. TETAPI seperti awal perenggan di atas, aku jadi DI-INGATKAN bila terpandang update dia dalam satu laman sosial.

NS, kini satu kenangan yang tersendiri...

TAPI manalah tahu suatu hari nanti, anak aku hana dipertemukan dengan anak NS..nah hamik kau boleh lah berbesan :) kalau jadi begitu, mungkin cucu aku dapat mewarisi mata biru atau kaler lain la...;p

Moral of the story: jangan suka kecewakan orang, jangan pilih seseorang sebagai teman hidup hanya kerana luaran, bangsa e.g. mata biru ke walaupun ada si mata biru yang nakkan anda, tetapi lihat faktor dalaman dan tanya hati sendiri, adakah orang itu yang anda mahukan untuk hidup bersama hingga akhir hayat.......DAN kalau terkinang-kinang bukan maksud terbayang-bayang..kadang-kadang kita teringat kerana ada insiden yang mengingatkan kita..sama seperti kes cerita aku ini.

akhir entry, i love what i have now...kepada en suami, you're everything to me, terima kasih kerana ayah suami yang baik (walaupun garang kadang-kadang :p ) dan harap jodoh kita selamanya amin.

UPDATED (2012): aku terjumpa balik email2 yang panjang di MS (laman sosial yang mengekalkan hubungan aku dgn NS selain email2 lain). Membacanya semula baru aku nampak memang NS sangat suka dengan aku, dan aku yang 'chicken-out' dengan tindakan NS itu. Sekarang, MS sudah tidak aktif, baik NS mahu aku aktif di FB namun kami sekadar 'silent viewers' yang sesekali menghantar komen atau menekan butang 'like' antara satu sama lain. Anak NS sangat tembam dan comel (masakan tidak lihat sahaja campuran baka mereka Amerika + Afrika...melihatkan anak NS aku terfikir sekiranya aku tak menolak NS, anak itu boleh jadi Amerika + Malaysia). Wow. I was really head over heels over NS. We were heads over heels over each other...but I screwed him. I ditched him. 

Tortoise-like speed drivers should be penalized too!

FIRST of all, i am so not inferring the tortoise-like speed drivers to senior citizens. I mean, I am not that harsh and inconsiderate. Senior citizens...really ought to be given a break, while i am it, equally forgiven are 'expired' cars, rotten, bumper terlondeh, you get the idea what i am talking about ...cars with bad conditions. I mean, you can/should also give those conditions a break.

HOWEVER, those so-called cautious, good, traffics abiding drivers with 30km/h speedometer or less really ticks me off!

SURE, there are times when you just want to have a relax drive..but that can be done if you're on a countryside, travelling down a road while at the same time try taking in the scenic landscapes, with air brushing your face, your gf/bf/scandals by your side..you know like in the movies!

BUT, on a one/two lane route? Realllllllly pisses me off man. Macam #*^#*^_(@*. Today (yesterday) i guess was my unlucky day. I've encountered a few of this jack-asses..two while on my way to class, of which both cars were considerably new cars (judging from the exterior of the car and license plate) one was Proton Wira and the other was Myvi with the former man driver! And while i was on my way back home, one super-dimwit ass drove brought the traffic to a halt on a one lane downhill route!!! THAT WAS PRETTY DANGEROUS man. MEmang babi gila orang tu...almost causing accidents.

Memang ultimate pu&*#&* when i see this kind of road users! NOT only they are fully aware of their driving speed, i reckon they enjoy it with no remorse nor considerations to at least give way to people to overtake them!

KALAU kau iyapun tengah blowjob/beromen/menggelitit dalam tu pun, ketepi la kan kereta tu. give way. I say this, because it's night man, you cant be saying 'no, i am enjoying the scenary' Fuck it, it was really dark. (NOTE: puncak alam route) Nor was the route sandwiched with beautiful mountains, colorful trees on the roadside ke hapa.. There are people who have serious matters, demanding business to get to (like i was, was effin late to class).

DO they realised by driving too slow, they are also endangering other road users? It's equally dangerous to drive to fuckin slow as with too fuckin fast.

OF COURSE i am no way condoning any speed above the speed limit..i mean that's really asking for accidents..contributing to death statistics. BUT come on, driving like a pea-minded tortoise is not helping others as well.

AS SUCH, these people ought to be penalized equally as those fast drivers!

AM reminded by one FRIENDS episodes where Ross got to drive his dad's porche, and in trying to impress Rachel for a drive out in the convertible he ended up only to reveal his real driving skills to Rachel...which was none! Rachel to Ross, "Have you ever heard fifth gear?". Ross ended up got a ticket for driving too slow in a highway and thinking back, i think that law should be made legal here in Malaysia . Road Safety DG DATUK SURET SINGH kena buat kempen "PANDU PERLAHAN PUN BOLEH MAUT DI TENGAH JALAN" atau "SILA LAJU LAGI LABI ATAU ORANG LAIN MATI".