Burying the hatchet?

What does it mean for people who regularly 'revisits' their past? Does it mean that they're backwards lot when life is about moving forward?

What about painful memories? Is it not called "memories" still? A memo - recollection, remembrance, retaining, recalling. Unless a person suffers some sort of mental disorders...then you ought to forgive that person for absence of recollecting his pasts.

There's also another notion that people who can't forget, those refuse to move on are plain haters. Because they can't find in them the strength to 'erase' those painful memories, or a particular black episodes of their life.

Hence, you have the saying of "I can forgive but can't forget".

Of course this ramblings applied for 'painful memories' only. Sure, the happy ones, we would want to cherish for life.

AND then there's a saying of 'Everybody has secrets' usually associated with dark, ugly secrets/memories/experiences or simply just some facts (mostly embarrassing) that being kept private.

Now, 30 years of age - there's just two, TWO things that I've kept "recollecting" every now and then, and the pain just awful. These two things...concerning two persons in this world undoubtedly equating to be the two most hated persons in my life. MOST HATED. These two people have had such significance in my life that the degree of pain caused by them still bear scar though the wound is healed.

Thus, will I ever find peace in my life if I were to forget and let go of the haunting pasts or I should just let it be and take it as self-learning experiences of life (of course I have done so - especially the second case/person) BUT it is the first case that makes me irks so bad, that thanks to digital world I could still learn about thee's whereabouts/life and the 'findings' gave me a brutal slap of reality - that thee seemed happy and moved on (not to mentioned spawned, twice) which is causing me jittery that it's almost hysterical (and sordid too) not to mentioned all 'inspiring' as well enough to make me ramble here.

ALAS, am I really that sordid to keep checking on that poltergeist and got all neurotic when I do? Or am I really the mental one for doing what i am doing? Or less dramatic, am I the hater for not letting go? Whichever the case, I am making it a known fact here about this little 'skeletons' I have in the closet and something inside of me is saying that the poltergeist is doing the same too - checking out yours truly via wired world.

Anyways, you, poltergeist 7369, yeah you. I do know now where you at. Let's just see how long it takes for you to 'hide' yourself in the 'underwired world', cause I know the temptations are too great to resist. You poltergeist the scaredy-cat to opt for hiding. In the mean time keep spawning, confirming the other half of the poltergeist is nothing but that - reproduction machine. With one XX and another XY. Awesome. Don't forget another saying 'what goes around, comes around'. your juniors will pay if not too careful.

Ah, too carried away. This post sure screams me burying the hatchet...NOT, don't I.

Oh and another fact, the other less poltergeist but nonetheless demonic had also 'spawned' I heard. A XX. Now almost 3 years from where I have left, poltergeist #2 still hasn't made a thing it was 'envying' me much to be in those years. Still stucked (sucked) there eyh mate?

*sigh* OK enough of this. Enough catecholamine (that's angry hormone for you) fueled lashing for the day. Have an early start today. Hopefully am able to make it (for the first time) a candidature defense sitting for I'll be up, next week! *gulps*

euphoria

salams. this will be a short one, a very short one. but enough to sums up my whole feelings at the moment.

ON CLOUD NINE FEELING EUPHORIC. ALHAMDULILLAH, DREAMS DO COME TRUE. INSYAALLAH ALL WILL BE REVEALED.

:-)

Inspired,lazying and everything in between

1. berhabuk. period. i been neglecting this blog for many reasons. mainly laziness. partly super busy parent. and the rest, working my butts off for monthly salary.

2. sometimes feel so demotivated. wait can't be spoiling off stuffs about shigoto, 'they' 'crucified' me for that. how injustice can this shigoto of mine be? ruthless sometimes. what is wrong for pouring out your feelings, however ill it may be. i was misunderstood for that. and the result is this new site. Aku tak pernah lupa, walaupun Dr M kata Melayu Mudah Lupa, tapi aku tidak, adakah itu bermakna aku bukan melayu? Memang aku mix! LOL! betul pe, mix, XX+XY=me!

3. my bundle of joy is growing. before i was worried sick she couldn't turn herself over and lie face down (meniarap) paranoid would be the perfect way to describe my feelings. alhamdulillah she finally did what i had always hoping she would be doing at about 4 months though just a month overdue. good girl. now it seems that's her favorite sleeping position, though i'm always on look out and (again) worried sick if she suffocates. (god forbid, ameen)

4. i started to blog (previous site) using blogdrive. that was ages ago. was entitled "Dear Diary Me" lame i know. lol! was inspired by the Allahyarhamah Yasmin Ahmad's blog actually. Back then, it was not a phenomenon. No one blog, even Tun M.

5. Mainly i wrote about my feelings. The usuals pouring out (as i'm one of those miss pms) emotional tak hengat. I wrote about everything that comes to my mind, recording daily happenings (though not consistently)

6. That time, the most popular networking site was MS and FS. walaupun aku sudah membuka akaun FB tetapi tidak aktif, sebab takde kawan yang pakai FB. sekarang, MS, FS dan segala macam jadah lagi semua dah berabuk. walaupun masih logging sesekali sebab aku pakai same pword for everything (g, bukak pekung for hackers don't i?) Selain networking site, apa saja jadah akaun (free hosting) aku sign-up. Sampaikan seorang kawan aka flirty2 aku pernah mengomen , 'gosh you're everywhere on the net babe! cyberspace is you, you is cyberspace' ok, the latter is a spiced up line LOl! serious googled me up with my infamous nick and you'll sure link to me.

7. Those were the times when I always send e-cards to friends, ehem-ehem and etc. LOL

8. AND internet jugaklah buat aku mengenal ehem-ehem #1, mendekatkan aku dengan ehem-ehem #2, saksi PJJ ehem-ehem #3, mengintimkan ehem-ehem #4 dan yang paling hakiki hingga kini.

9. Don't get me wrong bukan nak ngungkit sejarah. just merely reminiscing the past. and learning from it. jadikan teladan gitu for future reference if neccessary.

10. Now that blogging, FB and everything else a hip, trendy thing, I kinda slowed down the pace (walaupun kekadang sampai tahap hibernasi) sebab? rujuk 1 & 2

11. Tetapi sebenar-benarnya sebab UTAMA aku memblog dari dahulu lagi, kerana aku suka meraban, menulis. And i force myself to do so in Eigo-English. Reason being, to brush up the lingo.

12. Never crossed my mind the intention to write in English for other reasons that stated at #11. Not wanting to prove anything to anyone.

13. Looking back, me reckon my skills (if any) have somewhat deteriorated. Significantly so right about when i started my current shigoto.

14. Brings me back to reason of misundertanding and the nature of that kashain. period.

15. I'm still longing for that dream. Reaching out for that star. Bukan tak berusaha, probably not enough or the time hasn't come for me yet. Could it be that Allah is testing me?

16. One of the dreams is to pursue MA. sponsored preferrably. GOT so close. the most bizarre thing about it, the 2 chances that came to me the same time i was heavily pregnant. Went to the interviews with loose shirt for crying out loud. GUESS i scared them off with that image. Why would they want to sponsored married women + new mother to be for MA? too complicated. Or is it fate? takde rezeki ada yang bersuara...entahlah.

17. which brings me to a state of regrets. (walaupun tak baik) why did i settle down in the first place? and then this new responsibility to carry. i broke down. tapi tak sampai meroyan. conclusion= part of baby blues.

18. i won't stop trying. for both shigoto and that benkyo shimasho thingy.

19. i GOT a place. not what i dream of though. nontheless a start to something. I had wanted it quite badly. BUT was so discouraged upon finding out the fee that would cost me an arm and a leg. (kalaupun laku duh!)

20. baru local uni. inilah 'pembunuh' impian manusia seperti aku. yang punya cita-cita,iltizam, semangat,keupayaan otak untuk memperkasakan diri, memperluaskan ilmu tetapi mati setakat itu kerana kekangan DUIT!

Back Again!

It has been almost 4 months since my last entry..and ever since many happenings took place in my life, my family, my working place and my country. First of all I'm now officially a mother to a 2 months and 11 days old baby girl. Since my delivery, I really wanted to share my horrifying delivery experience. BUT my health didn't permit me to do so. So here goes:

A New Beginnings

Now that I've gone through the process of giving birth, I have a new found respect for all mothers, mine included. My journey to motherhood was a roller-coaster; it started off without me expecting it, then I embraced the fact, enjoyed the full 9 months without a glitch and the path took a climax-the anticipation was overwhelming, did all the preparations and suddenly the plot turned anti-climax, my baby decided to stay a little bit longer in the womb and I was past my due date.

Anxiety was all over me, I broke down. All the excitement of having a baby was gone, I was frustrated and could easily turn myself like an incredible hulk-angry every time anyone posed me the most-hated question to me then " When are you due exactly?" or "Have you given birth?" So frustrated was I, many time I broke down in tears and sometime in angst towards my unborn baby-I jumped, I ran in a futile attempt to fasten the delivery.

Days turn to weeks- the baby still did not want to come out. Pass my due date which was on 15th June, I went to hospital P -fully prepared mentally and physically to give birth- Only to find myself shooed away by the doctors there! Although I was already 2cm dilated, they did not want to take me in-saying there were insufficient beds. BUT that was bull- they simply turned me down because I reckon I was not a P resident, thus they asked me to go to the nearest hospital in my residency. BULL! I, who obviously was not aware with all of the bureaucracy wanted so much to go to that hospital since I was told by a few trusted person, it's the best government hospital one could ask for in Selangor or even in Malaysia. (of course I disagree with this statement soon after that incident)

Seen here like 3 days before given birth. After that humiliating being sent away by ignorant hospital P doctors and was 2cm dilated, I forced myself to take a walk in the park in attempt for a bloody show so I can return to the hospital for delivery

Reluctantly I obeyed. Went home in anger,frustration all mixed to one. Days to me then passed me by too slowly. Filled my days with excessive walking (window shopping mainly) fully determined to get the baby out.BUT she still did not budge. The weekly antenatal check-up was not helping either; though they were equally anxious and some nurses appeared worried, the bloody resident doctor was not! (seriously, I really curse thee) Her consultation to me was impudent in every manner imaginable.

Obviously dissatisfied, I went to a different clinic (not government) and to my surprise, the doctor advised me for an induce labor. He told me,since it's past my due date, the chances of the baby suffocating due the lack of amniotic fluid is higher and through his observation, my baby was pretty much heading that way. Thus, it was best that I to be induced.

Surely you can imagine how worried I was upon hearing that. He later wrote me a referral letter for admission. That night, was a sleepless night for both hubby and I. The baby was finally coming! I was restless, imagination run wild and practically was up the whole night. As planned, the very morning, we headed to hospital P for the very much anticipated birth. Luckily this time around the doctors there didn't turn me down, I was checked thoroughly and they agreed for an induced labor upon the circumstances. Admitted about 3 pm and reality of giving birth slowing starts to kick in. BUT my worries for the first few hours was really about constipation. I knew (from reading) that an hour or so before the whole delivery process starts, the doctors will ask you to expel your bowel content as to avoid any of those getting out while you're pushing the baby. You don't want to have poo poo mistaken for a baby when contraction takes over. And since I haven't poo poo for almost 3 days, I'm so worried that I was unable to do so and risk excreting my waste instead of baby.

And although I've conveyed my worry to the attending nurses, they didn't help me with that until it was almost dangerously late. Got to my bed, unpacked the begs and I don't even get to warmed the bed enough, was surprised when the ward doctor told me I was already 4cm dilated! She literally poked the amniotic sac (though I wasn't aware of that) and told non-nonchalantly that I was on my way to give birth! The next minute, I was bleeding heavily, and soon, everything started to paced up; the nurses tubed an IV, gave me a rectal stimulant to help the constipation and I was on my way to the delivery room.

Since it was my first time at childbirth, was really excited about it all. So much so, some nurses extended their admiration for my casualness regarding the whole ordeal. Of course my smiling, gullible self was no more insight right after they induced me in the labor room. At 6pm, the attending doctors was flabbergasted to found me only 4cm dilated! The stupid thing was, she asked me why was I brought down to the labor room since i'm still far away from giving birth. How was I to know; I'm the sitting duck-I'm the patient-the guinea pig.

At this point I was a sorry ass having thought that this hospital P was 'A' class. I felt helpless. There I was, bleeding between my legs for crying out loud and those ignorant fools could still argue about me not suppose to be induced! Luckily, one of the doctors weren't ignorant enough. She comforted me saying everything will be alright. Explaining that I now really need to be induced since the ward doctor already poked the amniotic sac, they could not wait any longer.

The induce drugs not only introduced me to the real feeling of excruciating contractions (no more braxton hicks, those are nothing!), the drugs really induced pain. Period. Little did I know, I was on a very tough journey in becoming a mother. BUT after 3 hours, that induced drugs that was supposed to force the contractions hence fastening the labor didn't do much justice for me. I was still less than 6cm dilated. Which only means I have more contractions battling hours to fight, more intolerable pain to endure, more risk of baby dying.

A picture of me a few moments after delivery. Tired but certainly glad it all went well and the baby's was fine.

For those of you who aren't mothers, let me guarantee that labor pain is really painful. There's no word best describe the pain really, no wonder it's rated at number 2 on the most painful of pains one human has to go through after sakaratul maut-that is the onset of death. Realising that I was risking endangering myself and the baby, the doctors increase the drugs and those pain I've been describing-intensified tremendously! Finally, I was dilated more and effaced as too ease the labor process.

One common question asked to me after post-partum was "How does it feel to give birth?" Apart from the aforementioned pain, the part when your baby decides to pop-out is really like having one nasty, huge poo poo that refuse to come out. Thus, you have to use all your might to push it out because it's just too discomforting, your abdomen cramps like never before and it's just horrible, right until the baby pops-out! And then it's smooth sailing. At least that was how I felt. Pure relief. All the other part, the parts and parcels of labor such as the cutting-off a little part of your vagina's skin, the sutures of those cuts after, is nothing with what you have to go through in the first place.

BUT of course you'll be given a sedatives, morphines, drugs to ease those pain throughout the process. Mine was gas. I love it. It was my "best-friend" for the whole 8 hours of labor pain! I love it so much that I refused to take it off during suture, that it made me loca! It made me feeling high! And made me saying things, some of it really bad remarks to people around me at that time.

Anyways, there. The whole 8-9 hours of delivery experience all reduced to words here in this blog. BUT nothing, absolutely nothing can compare with the real deal. I can only write it down here for people to read, including myself surely, but in my mind, i can vividly recall the graphics.

The fruit of my labor; my labor pain that is: Nur Raihanna Iman binti Mohd Redzuan. Seen here approximately an hour after birth and she was already smiling for the camera. Clearly she was as glad as her mother was to have been safely delivered onto the real world. I love thee!

Then, there's the horrible post-partum experience which made me stood strong to my convictions that hospital P is indeed such a lousy hospital. And later to my dismay, I learned a fact that hospital P is all known as a training hospital for both doctors and nurses. No wonder almost half of the doctors I saw or met was younger than me. With that age, it would definitely make sense that their still in training or rookie doctors.

Gosh, here's a very lengthy entry of mine. Guess that equally horrible-terrifying-postpartum experience gotta wait for next time. It's almost 4 in the morning, and baby will wake soon for her early breakfast or in this case 'sahur' since it's the holy month of Ramadan now. Will scribble my thoughts later.

PS: more to come; postpartum experience, the slacking off of berpantang period, the wonders of breastfeeding and Back to reality-truly motherhood is like a roller-coaster!

My baby girl: At 2 month's old. Seen here, all smile for the camera eventhough she was feeling a little bit under the weather. Stuffy nose and slight bronchitis.