Year 2017 and more

Konnichi Wa Minna-sama. 

It has been awhile since my last post on this url. In all honesty, I feel that of late, the drive to update my life and pure ramblings in the form of bits and bytes have somewhat diminishes. 

I reckon it got something to do with my age. Or perhaps simply free time- that I don't quite have these days.

2017 and more. As the title has it, probably a misnomer to what I'm about to unravel. It's now month of October. We have little less than 6 months to go before 2018.

So what life has been prior to this? Many. 

The biggest most sordid of all is my worst fear as far as my career is concern- which is to be relocated to the south, away from the bustling city of KL, away from modernity, and most dreadful of all, AWAY from HOME. 

2017. I turned 35 years of age. 3 years in my employment. 2 daughters. Many more dreams to live. 

For as long as I have lived, my universe revolves around my family- parents, 6 siblings and their families, and my own nucleus family. And this universe of mine has always been in Kelana Jaya or KJ only or at least within radius of 30KM. 

During my primary and secondary school days, I've never been away from home. I'm such a homey-type bore that even friends would after a few declined-invites, never extend their invitations ever again. I don't go out after school, even when I had the opportunity to do so during tuition hours - I mean, I had a clear 2-3 hours of escapism that I could use to do some sneaky stuffs BUT never did. I'd never tried to loiter around like most cool kids of the 90s do. 

Then, came uni days. Accepted in IIUM for Bachelor in English minor in Human Sciences. As freshyear student, I cannot escape dormitory life. It was enforced upon us as first year student. But, mind you, the uni and my home was just approx. 15 minutes drive and still in very much the beloved KJ/PJ life I've known of-- that universe.

Even then, I'd go back home at every opportunity I can get and on every weekends. I remember, I made my mama proud to be part of an international-full fledge University student. Furthermore, it was an Islamic uni and I was forced to donned the hijab for the first time in my life. 

This was back in 2000, for a pseudo-rebel-yet homey type of young adult such as I, life in an all Islamic uni was so unbearable to get accustomed to. Hijab? Hand-stockings? PJ girl? Live in a dorm of 16 students? Bunk-beds? Islamic? It was hard for me. 

I soon took fate in my own hands-I applied other uni without my parents knowing and got accepted too. I went to class as usual only to this new uni which my parents knew nothing of, to them I was going to the uni that they sent me off in the first place.. But soon, the results was sent to my home and parents found out that I was about to be dismissed from that uni due to failure in all exams. Of course I failed, I never took the exams anyway. 

My secret was out. Parents disappointed? You bet. BUT they were still supportive of my new uni choice. This new place too, was still considered close to home. Just 20 mins drive. I was happy, for awhile. Again, as new students we were forced to stay in the hostel. And again, I never did. Every chance I got, I would find my way back home and sleep in the comfort of my home. My bed in the hostel was always the most tidiest one. No crease on the bedsheet as I rarely use them. 

That life went on for  almost 3 1/2 years before my first break in life. I was selected to be part of that uni's historic program. I left the nest, my universe and lived in Tokyo, Japan for almost 8 months. Away from family, away from every single thing that I was used to and comfortable with. 

It was hard. Yet I survived obviously. And turns out that 8 months experience was one of the sweetest experiences in my life thus far. Came back to my universe, finished another 2 years of study in the same uni and graduated. 

Life as a working adult commenced. Found job even closer to home. Approx in 10 mins drive! Life was a bliss. I didn't even had to wait for a job, I got one even before I finished my study. I was lucky. And it was a job that relates to my study and boy, I was good at it. 

Then married life started. Husband and I was working at the same company albeit different departments. Naturally, we carpool together. However now, my life has taken another milestone. That universe for the fist time was changed to a suburb (then) Saujana Utama, Sungai Buloh. This was a place I moved into soon after I married, as my husband had bought the house when we got engaged. This time, I had to endure 40 mins drive to work. BUT it was still manageable, we both escaped the horrendous traffics unlike most major residents in Saujana Utama, as our working hours was flexi. 

This life, felt back then, a total bliss. It continued until right about I had my first child. It occurred to me that I've made a vow to self after my Japan experiences- that I'd pursue academic excellence as best as I could to the most highest degree possible. 

PhD was in my mind. BUT I knew I was not such straight As student, thus getting a scholarship would be close to impossible. I knew if this vow is to be fulfilled, I needed to have my own resources. 

BUT my life then working in a hectic newsroom was unforgiving to have a free time for any possible academic ventures. I knew I had to quit and find a job that would allow or encourage academia OR I knew I had to find a scholarship. 

The pursuit of academia begun. I got my first offer, it was in a relatively new uni, but it was far up in the east coast. I have my baby then, such idea of shifting again my "universe" to more than 300 KM from HOME was unacceptable. Husband was against it although the lure of the offer which was a chance to pursue PhD overseas was enticing. 

In between this search, I got another offer- academia too in theme but not a scholarship instead was a change in career. Husband again was pensive for this move. I declined both offers. 

The search continues, until one day I got a call from, ironically the uni that I literally "grow up" with, blossomed into the adult that I was. I ponder and dreaded to take up the offer in all honesty as I don't quite like the idea of going back to a place I knew of. BUT husband approved this, and I soon find myself accepting the offer. 

The best yet in a sordid way about this offer was I had a PhD offer but never knew of.  I thought it was only for MA. I was offered the study in Politics which I was euphoric about and was close to appeal for an overseas placement instead. However, husband disapproves the idea being away from our young family and asked to do it locally. 

I however was determined not to pursue at the same uni that I was expected to work at. A change of fresh air, I insist. And a change it was. Went on to have MSDS in University Malaya, again still quite manageable drive from Saujana and close to mom's place too. That postgrad life was a bliss until...turmoil begins. LOL. 

Enough said, I had to finished my MA longer than most people do, BUT it was common in UM. In fact, I was the first in my class to submit my thesis and graduate. Some I know today have not graduated at all. 

Anyway, at this point of my life, 31+, God have me a second child. Unplanned but Allah is the best planner indeed. I almost give it all up. That envisioned career in academia was shattered due to my failure to complete my studies on time. I was ready to go back to my old job. I was aching to back to my old job. I wanted my old job. And at that time, they wanted me back too. Husband was without a solid advise to me for the first time. He, said it was all up to me to make a decision in life. 

Of course due to the scholarship contract, my head was worth 100K if I chose to break the contract and took on another job. I was afraid to continue the academia life as rumours were rife that all new employees would be transferred to another state. 

This shivers me. If I stay, I'll be putting up my life, my universe in jeopardy. My fear of being away from HOME was driving me crazy. With a newborn in my life, I felt this was too much to bear. I was ready to give up. 100K or what they can just bloody go to eff. BUT I soon realised, in all this charade, my dad an RTM vet, was the proudest of me.

My dad, rarely shares his qualms and worries to his kids-told me for the first time that he was proud of his kids. Well, proud of me and my older sister in particular. While he said he is sad that it seems there were others that may have been quite a disappointment but he said, this was only due to him a disappointing parents to us as well. Of course, he was blaming himself for all the bad things that we turned out to be, but me, was one of the good apples in the end, well at least it seems in terms of secured career. Particularly pursuing a career as an academic and in a way following his footsteps he said, that made him overwhelmed with pride. 

This was the exact moment I felt a pang in life, that no matter how much sour things in the end has been to me in terms of my new career, I knew I have to make him proud. And so it begins. I, from day one in my employment worked my arse out. Trying my best to give my all, impressing everyone in the end and as it turned out annoyed some as I may have appeared to them as that new "threat". Just as I was the shining star once in  that newsroom, I was also the shiniest new star in this academia life. I was shining so brightly that it "blinded" some with envy. 

And I let my guards down-I let rogue characters in and worse I trusted them. I was manipulated. I was used and abused. In the end, I retreated knowingly well enough that that could mean the fall of me, into the abyss of labyrinth filled with uncertainty, challenges and MOST OF ALL- RELOCATION! 

My universe crumbles. My worst nightmare slowing turning into a reality. I tried to find my way out, but those against me was stronger than my will. I succumb to the rogues. I was defeated. In between defeat, I was fast finding my way out once and for all. I searched and found again not one, but TWO doors opening wide for me. With 100K bounty on my head, I was convinced that so long I could keep my universe intact, I'd be happy enough to payback that bounty. Money to me could be sourced out anytime, BUT family? never. 

I was so close to make that rash decision, to leave, to quit. I can't tolerate this nonsense and ridicule I felt, betrayed by the institution. I was forced to a program that did not match my Master's degree. I hated everyone there that I knew played that evil part, inflicting this pain to me and my young family. Ive forgiven them now but I will never forget! NEVER. The wound was so deep that the scar they caused me would be there for eternity. 

Alas, Feb 2017 just 6 days after my 35th birthday, another milestone was carved in my life. For the sake of making my dad and mom proud, for the vow that I made myself to pursue academia, I'll give this career a last chance. My universe now expands approx 120KM away from my young girls, husband, aging parents and every memory that I love. My life practically now is divided into two: one in the arms of my beloveds-the reasons to live and other is the life that I forced myself to be. 5 days in a week, I took on a different personality, on every drive I'm making I prayed to Allah that the Almight bless and make it easy for me. 

This 2017 is the sacrifice I made, the Hijrah that I never wanted and didn't know I had the strength to endure. 

2017 and beyond, I don't know what and where it'll take me. BUT I know for sure, even if I stopped here, I will not stop to pursue that PhD dream I vow myself to have. Not because of my career, not because I want to put Dr. in front if my name (which I don't have any intention to), not to feel supreme than others BUT that was a promise I made myself when Allah granted me a chance in my life to be in the land of the rising sun, to still have a chance to finish my studies with good grades even though I almost fall out and risk being uni drop-out all because of my stupidity and immaturity of what I thought was love. I was out of it, well dumped actually by a prick that used me and I thought that was it, when he ended it, my universe ends.

However, Japan came in my life, I was resurrected, akin to a Phoenix, rise from the ashes and found myself again. I learnt that he was nothing but a prick, a life lesson, that I could and should have done better without. 

This, 2017 is again my vow. I'm gonna reiterate it from 2004. That academia dreams is still on. Insya-Allah, before I reached 40, this needs to be done and who knows where it will take me. Only the Almighty have the power to bestow on me the best deal in life. When that day comes, it will be awesome. Aamiin. 

Time Limit

Salam.

This is going to be a short one. Just today, after I came back home from work, my husbad related to me a quite sad yet common story. Our friend's sister in-law's passing. A young wife of 29 years of age, she passed on just before sunrise. She was believed to have had a heart attack.

My husband rarely shares story with me. I am not quite sure why this one was important for him to shared, but I reckon it must've been the tragic way ofthe deceased's husband finding out the death of his wife - when he woke up in the morning, just like any other morning or so he thought, before that mad dash to work, he tries to find the wife next to him only to found her already faced-down on the floor next to their bed - all blued, stiff...and cold dead. 

The wife was not suffering any serious health problems, in fact the story goes she was healthy except did complain of being tired and backpain of late...

And then it occurred to me to relate to my husband my story - was quite recent and of late kept happening to me. That I too, had some serious scares of my life! 

In fact just about 5 days ago, when I had to stay up late in my failed attempt to finish some pending work (was staying up late for 3 consecutive days & woke up early each day), one night...after thinking that I had enough of the s**t, I decided to hit the sack at 5.30am BUT only to find that somehow my pulse was beating too fast...I could actually felt the veins near my neck beating fast too...and the veins felt so big, it seems. It was weird thing. Not healthy too...

You know when you've been living your life for 3 decades, and have gone through 2 life-changing traumatic experiences of giving birth, you've gone through that horrible pain of unimaginable ordeal that is labour pain! And this, this heart beating too fast your veins feel like exploding, was something peculiar yet you know it is unnatural and calls for red flags! 

Suddenly I felt like choking, my chest was heavy and I couldn't breathe. I know panicking is the one thing I shouldn't do. Tried calling my husband for help, but he was sound asleep. I knew if this is the way I'd go (God forbids!) I just want yo close my eyes and go quietly - I reached out to touched my youngest girl, just barely 19 months who was sleeping next to me. Her soft tiny hands against mine...I hold her...if I was to go, I wanted to hold her next to me. I shut my eyes and took deep breaths and exhale slowly...it was hard. BUT that tiny hand suddenly moved and my baby rolled herself closer to me (she does that all the time) and I knew I just don't want to go just yet. I want to see her grow. She and her bigger sister. I moved my arm and hugged her while still taking deep breaths  in between - I don't want to die! I sniffed her lovely hair and just kept breathing and thinking of death. And I chant a lil zikir. I prayed Allah don't take me yet. I don't want my babies becoming orphaned at such tender years. 

Of course I woke up in the next 1.5 hours, alhamdulillah. Allah did give me another chance.

This, thing of a sudden heavy-chest, difficulties in breathing and heart's rate like a bullet train, happened quite regularly lately. And it's scary.

I told my husband, one time I tried moving my feet to called him but I couldn't moved. 

And that's the moment that I tell him, if anything bad did happen to me while he was sleeping, and he found me froze the next morning, I want him to know that he shouldn't feel sorry for me. 

My dear husband, if I do go before you, please take care of our daughters. Please don't ever forsake them. Please, as reluctantly I want to say this, find someone who will love them as much as I do (and I hope that you don't find another woman that soon to replace me when I'm dead)...that's painful. 

I know I haven't been the best of a wife and mommy to our kids, BUT I do try. And LOVE them with all my heart.

Dear Raihanna Iman and Raessa Imani, mommy sayang buchuk2 mommy sangat. 

For Kakak Hana, mommy memang cepat marah, but that's because I love you. I want you to be the best of a person you can be. 

For Adik Icha, you're the cutest lil angel. When I was carrying you mommy was diabetic, it was difficult. I couldn't eat much at all and never gained weight - and when we were in labour, it was the easiest part with you Icha sayang. However the doc had to used forceps apparatus to helped with the birth. Because mommy couldn't pushed you out. Was on epidural and already tired after 10 hours of labour. 

Do remember me all my beloveds and hope you will always have me in your hearts forever even when I am long gone from this world.

What does Merdeka means to you

What does 'Merdeka' means to you? 

For me, it has been many. Sure as cliche as it may be, my Merdeka means being freed from foreign rule since 31st August 1957. To be able to wake up & live each day without the fear of guns/bombs is another. 

In my early 20s, my Merdeka means to be able to enjoy free concert on the eve of Merdeka & just loitering around KL till wee hours thinking that is the coolest thing to do (of course that my 'party life' didn't last long...my mom was a fierce mama bear at home).

Then 2004 on the eve of Merdeka, I left my motherland for the first time in my entire life. I could recall in the plane, looking down I felt a teeny lump in my throat, it was an unaccustomed feeling. Was I being patriotic? I looked at the Jalur Gemilang my friends gave me when leaving the airport as a parting memorabilia - they signed & scribbled some well-wishes on it. The next 8 months of my life as an alien (gaijin) that flag kept me company, especially in my time of solitude & feeling terribly homesick sitting at the working table, the flag was next to pictures of all my loved ones, I'd feel that lump in my throat again. This time, that lump and I are tomodachi (friends). 

And in between the years of finding self & adulthood, that patriotism slowly diminishes and before long it's just a distant feeling. Looking at the national flag, it is what it is - flag. Now, where's that lump that used to choke me whenever this nationalistic imagery come into contact with me?

Fast-forward, in my 30s, I found that lump again. My 'merdeka' lump and I reunited after 10 years since its debut in 2004. Now, with two kids, my first born was the one responsible to strike some independence day sense in me. 

Her pure request of getting some mini Jalur Gemilang was denied initially until I gave in to her and bought each one of my nucleus family, a piece that costs only 50 cents each. 

Her innocence towards the meaning of Merdeka slowly made me feel excited again. We both sing in the car, even her younger 1 y.o sis tried to say "eka" short for Merdeka. My daughters and I sing a few rounds of Merdeka song over and over again till our heart's content, a bit off-tune yet we were singing so loudly and happily that my daughter even roll-down the car window and scream "Merdeka" at random people while waving the flag at them (she feels so euphoric having a flag in her hand finally).

Seeing my 6 y.o wholeheartedly celebrating Merdeka made me lumps in the throat again. Suddenly, all of the Merdeka lyrics reverberate deep in me. I want this maintained & treasured forever. 

I want my kids to love and respect this nation so that it will prosper into an even more wonderful Malaysia. 

This love displayed by my daughter who is 6 years old to Malaysia, is unconditional & pure...However, it will be a disgrace if her love and many more innocent souls like her get tainted all thanks to many of the so-called loving mostly young adult Malaysians who wore Yellow (read: Bersih 4.0) today, on the eve of our National Day smearing the country's image under the pretext of saving Malaysia, such a fallacy that needed to be rectify immediately before the damage goes beyond repair.

I am no poet but you're my haley's comet

Although I rarely say I love you,

But do know that deep inside, I do,

For having you is truly a blessing,

Your my other half that has been missing;

Over the years my heart grows fonder,

But it's no wonder,

A father, a husband, a friend & a lover,

You know what tickles my fancy,

What drives me crazy.

Lately I know I am busy,

Forgive me sayang,

Though I appear to be neglecting,

Not an intention of deflecting,

Thank you syg for staying with me,

Albeit my waistline you could no longer see,

Please bear with me for years to come,

When my body be like a drum,

Never succumb.

Alas this is no sonnet,

For I am no poet,

But you'll forever be my haley's comet.

For someone who I miss dearly, and only can see you through tv,

Me hubby, in saudi. Come back quick, i am going crazy. With the kids & work that's neverending, afraid that i'll jump-off building. 

Huh, even that part rhymes. No, i am no poet.

Not even pseudo, not even going to try. 

That aching longing the inconsolable yearning

Salam.

A wise man once said...

In your saddest days you should turn to Allah the Almighty; when you're feeling jubilant it is Allah whom you should be thanking first; in all calamities and fears faced with bravery that Allah is by your side - that is the true traits of Imaan in a Muslim. 

In other words, in every single thing that you do, Allah must be on your top list before anything else, for nothing else matters but Him. 

"fa bi ayyi irabbikumma tukadzibban..."

The following picture sums up my feelings today. For some reason, I'm all teared up inside looking at this magnificent picture of the Ka'abah - the true compas of every Muslim. 

Never have I felt such aching deep in my heart that I fear I wouldn't make it to see for myself and gaze at the majestic Ka'abah, performing Salah in Masjidil Haraam & submitting my du'a to the Almighty Allah in the holy city of Mecca...

I am no pious person, I've sinned alot for the past 33 years of my life. BUT I never stopped to wish to become a better person than I've ever been. 

I want to have this one true meaning of LOVE - to love and be loved in an eternal blessing of His grace until one day we are all awoken for Judgement Day & I would received with my right hand that book of deeds.

No one will ever understand your trials and tribulations, the pain who've gone through, the challenges you got to embrace but Allah.

When the world seems to spat on your face, only one type of love that will never forsake you, that is the love from your God, the Creator of Heavens and Earth and all living things in it. 

O Allah, show me the way. Bless me and guide me onto the right paths. Keep those with good intentions close to me and keep away the sinister hearts as far as possible. Bless my loved ones with even greater love than you've shown to me. 

Ps: keep on smiling and saying praise, Alhamdulillah...if one hurt you continue to have the kindness that you'd wish to receive from others. Do good things the way you would want others do to you. Keep me safe Allah. Keep this heart content. Amiin. 

death, die, dying and the dead

Death. For every living things must die one day.

Death is such a sombre thing to even begin with. The sheer thoughts of death, and process of dying - when one's soul crosses that bridge and depart from this world onto the next is unimaginable and scary.

I remember year 1999. That was a sombre year for me. From my beloved grandpa (my dad's father) who passed away due to old age (he was 89 years old) and then my uncle 'Utih' Derih (my dad's older brother, he succumbed to his long battle with Parkinson) and followed by a very shocking death of another uncle 'Pak Itam' (my dad's brother in-law) just 1 month after uncle 'Utih' passed on...that year was our family 'Black Year'. So much so, even my school friends were saying how weird it was to have strings of death in one family (all from my dad's side) - and true enough, I had to went back to my dad's hometown which was in Lubok China for all three funerals and for that skipped classes (i was in my SPM year - so it was a big frown to skip classes to my teachers). 

As if that was not enough, year 2000 opens with another sombre passing. This time my beloved grandma (my dad's mom) was taken away from us and met her Creator. Grandma ( I called 'uwan') suddenly fell ill and was admitted to Seremban Hospital and we learnt that her liver's was not functioning well and that was the reason her stomach seems bloated). Uwan didn't suffer too long, within a month after she was diagnosed with that, Uwan passed away...I remember vividly that sad night, when the doctors told us to take her home as the hospital's given up hope on Uwan, we already started to cry. And as Uwan was transported back to her home, my relatives and I, convoyed from Seremban to Lubok China like past midnight with the ambulance leading the way. My parents were in the ambulance as well...and suddenly just right at the corner before Uwan's place, the convoy stopped. There was panic and commotion. And everyone just literally stopped and leave their car and started running....so was I. My cousins and I ran as fast as we could and I was literally screaming "uwan, uwan..." with tears coming down...I knew Uwan has left us. who knew that she wanted to leave us from her own house and not the hospital. All of her children and almost all grandchildren and great grandchildren of hers were there witnessing her passing. All of us cried, inconsolably. That night, was the longest night I felt...all of us didn't sleep much, and kept Uwan companied. 

However, just as we thought the dark skies were cleared for us, just few months after Uwan's passing...my dad's younger brother and also his closest buddy whom I called 'Acik' Bakar, followed suit and succumbed to his long battle of Diabetes. For the first time in my life, I saw my dad looking so terribly sad, grief-struck, devastated. We knew he felt his life is much more emptier than it used to be now that Acik is gone...his baby brother. Our favourite uncle as well...Acik was loved by many. And I loved him dearly too. During his last few months and warded in HUKM with his health  deteriorating...my parents would never fail to visit him and my baby sis and i would tag along. We would sleep in the corridors of that cold, long alley nearby his ward often losses sleep and would resume life just as normal the next morning. At that time I was still waiting for a place in Uni after SPM thus often I would catch on some sleep in the morning till afternoon! and by 4pm after dad's back from office - he would take us all to HUKM and stayed there for many hours....and this was the cycle again and again....

now, 15 years has passed - my dad's siblings are down to four - with the eldest  we called 'Pak Ngah' and then aunt 'Mak Itam' (the widowed of Pak Itam), aunt 'Mak Lang' (also a widow for more than 30 years) and lastly my much beloved dad, who his nieces and nephews called 'Achek'. At this point, pak ngah is quite frail and so is mak itam - both in & out of the hospital quite often...even dad is not doing so well post-prostate surgery, he's never been the same. Only Mak Lang is still looking so strong and healthy.

I missed dearly all of my beloved uncles and grandparents. I missed those days we would go back to 'kampong'. I missed so much my Atuk and his stories during the war in Malaya, Atuk was also fluent in English, Tamil, Hokkien and some Japanese. My Atuk, the 'stubborn son' of his dad - one of the richest guy in Lubok China in the 1940s, in fact all of Atuk's brothers made through formal education and became 'somebody' except him who was known to be 'stubborn' and didn't want to do what his father told him to. he didn't want to help with the family business and 'stubbornly' stayed away from his family's wealth - doing all sort of odd jobs to make ends meet. My Atuk left the comfort and lived as 'nobody' ...he was an educated man who ended up as a lorry driver. 

I also missed my Acik Bakar, who was very kind, fatherly, and so giving. I remember he would repeat calling me by my full name until i answered him as "yes Acik Bakar" instead of simple "yes"...he was so strict on manners and was such a family guy. Being the last in his family, he had the opportunity to finish school to uni level - he was a PTD (high ranking government officer) and thus was the only siblings of my dad who was well-off. BUT he never lost his ground and treated us all with kindness. I remember him as a funny guy too. (just like my dad, always cracking jokes).

AlFatihah to all of them. Atuk, Utih, Pak Itam, Uwan and Achik. I know all of you are now resting well in heaven. Wait for me, for my time will come...and we would rejoice once more in the everlasting jannah insyaAllah.

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As for me, 2015 too have seen many deaths thus far. First, there was the shocking and so inhumane death of my dear university friend whom I've known since 2000 - Allahyarham Rais Ramzidi Rrahim. Rais, was such a significant friend in my life. He was my classmate since day one in UiTM and we kept in touch even way after I got married and all. Rais, was very soft-spoken, petite guy, nice and always smiling. Rais was the only friend who would always called me up every now and then, and would never failed to asked about my mom's health. I named my second child, Raessa which is the feminine name of Rais - that means "the wise" in Arabic/ Islam. I cannot lie that when I was looking for a name that starts with the letter 'R' (as to sync with my husband's name that also starts with R) I thought of the name Rais and inevitable thought of Rais, my friend. In fact, I wanted to tell him that I named my daughter just like his name...because that name just so nice & beautiful...Rais was killed by his own construction workers who've strangled him with some cables, beaten him up and ditched him to rot in his own bathroom in his parents old house (which was under renovation) only to be found 36 hours later....the killers (believed to be indon workers, still running free - reckon have fled the country...). When I learnt the news about him, I couldn't help but cry my eyesballs out....I did, cried alone in my office...I thought of his face, I can hear his voice and even recalled that sheepishly shy smiles of his..:(( 

Rais, my dear dear friend...you are sorely missed. Even your bloody murderers scot free, know this, you are now safe in heaven...no one can ever hurt you my friend. Al-Fatihah Rais Ramzidi, may your soul blessed by Allah and rest well my good friend. 

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And on a national level, the passings of famous sports commentator Dato Hasbullah Awang with his legendary remarks such as the "oh sayang sekali..." everytime one misses to score a goal....and of course Allahyarham Tuan Guru Nik Aziz Nik Mat the former Kelantan MB and PAS's spiritual leader...Lee Kuan Yew also passed away, and more recently we are saddened by the passing of another prominent political figure and a statesmen, Tan Sri Jamaluddin Jarjis who was killed in a helicopter crash in Semenyih after attending the PM's daughter wedding in Pahang, 

Tan Sri JJ as he was fondly known just by his initials, was one of PM best buddies and significant malay leader, an MP from Rompin which is also my husband's grandparents hometown. I personally do not know him, but i've met him several times during those years when he was the MOSTI minister during my short journo stints - he was a sharp minister, brilliant economist, certified engineer, but most of all he was so down-to-earth, kind and approachable VIP, a minister. cooperative to journos which is a trait all journos appreciate. 

AND my last honour to have met him and worked with him was during one of UMNO's Selangor roundtable meeting - I was involved as the rapporteur for economy's section which had him as the Chairman. I wanted so bad to snap a selfie with him, but due to the overwhelming work that I had to finish in such a tight deadline and not to mention of a subject that is quite foreign to me ( i dislike economy!) LOL - thus i didn't seize that moment. But I remember that time I came in 5 minutes late  (or rather he was super early just like most of those big guns who attended the economic meeting, such important part of the whole UMNO meeting) - my hands trembled as I was typing away things that I did not understand, and often there were many typos and pauses and Tan Sri JJ would stop and point to the screen and corrects my typing (just when I taught he didn't care about such petty things like my job as 'typist'). 

For the haters, say what u want about this man, but he was an exceptional leader - top scorer of his days , he was one of the very few smart ministers in malaysia and UMNO. and now we've lost another great mind in this counrty. AlFatihah Tan Sri JJ :((

******************************************************************

I often wonder and shivers in fear of what my end would be...what it would be for my loved ones. my parents, my husband, my daughters. For I've sinned so much to even deserve a decent passing...but I hope if I am taken away to meet Allah Almighty, that I'd go in peace, with my body intact so that my loved ones would remember me as that, that my death be swift and Allah be gentle with my soul for his keeping. I pray that Allah do the same with my much beloved parents, my loving and kind husband and my two beautiful daughters. 

O Allah forgive my sins. Grant me your jannah. And keep me and my loved ones, safe. Amiin.

Clippings of Malay Renaissance

In conjunction with the upcoming gathering of 20,000 Malays & Bumiputera (the sons of soil) that will be organised by Majlis Perundingan Melayu (MPM) or the Malay Consultative Council along with 6 other organisations scheduled (re-scheduled actually) to 7 March 2015, these are some of the news clippings that went on-air regarding the event.

From the many media email invites that I blast, about 12 (minus Utusan which is the media partner for MPM) came to the press conference that was held in UiTM. Not too shabby I might add, considering that this is only a PC (without any cabinet ministers or that equivalence) and well, for an event that only during that PC was announced to be postponed (supposedly held 10 Jan 2015), it is no wonder that the only mainstream TVs who came did not air the story (NTV7 dropped and not pick-up by the other MPB TVs while AlHijrah I am not sure) to give way to more important news such as the flood & missing Air Asia flight.

As a reporter myself (once upon time) I knew the MO of the newsroom - especially during crises such these, the value of news other than the two big events mentioned above, will not hold (not really worthy of airtime). In fact, I had to actually kept bugging my friends about my event, and remind them every single day since I blast the email (on Christmas's Eve) to cover and grace the PC.

Thus under these circumstances I think I did fine in asking the media to come. In fact, thank God I chose to go with my instinct and invite as well the 'alternative' media that perhaps not too inclined in writing positive stories on Malays or what not...BUT I knew, again considering the circumstances, I should just invite them.

Anyway thank you my media peeps. I hope you will continue to support any UiTM events and masscomm especially for years to come and grace us with your presence and excites us with your fantastic writings.

Thank you, NTV7 (Media Prima Berhad), AlHijrah, Utusan, Berita Harian, MalaysiaKini, The Sun Daily, NST, MobTV, The Mole, The Malaysian Insider, BERNAMA Wires, Sinar Harian, and our in-house UFM & Corporate Communications.

Malaysiakini TV
Free Malaysia Today
Bernama Wires
The Mole
MobTV
Utusan
Malaysian Insider

THANK YOU! Me, pacal yang hina hanya menjalankan tugas.

Kebangkitan Melayu, Renaisans Melayu

Meminjam daripada perkataan Perancis "renaissance" - back + birth = rebirth, renewal iaitu kelahiran semula, yang berakar dalam sejarah Eropah kurun ke-14, yang mana berlaku peralihan zaman daripada zaman "kegelapan" atau "the dark ages" yang dipenuhi kemiskinan dan serba-serbi kemunduran hinggalah berlaku kebangkitan semula masyarakat "enlightenment" yang mana kecintaan kepada ilmu, kesenian, sains dan ilmu hisab mula mengambil alih ruang pemikiran masyarakat zaman tersebut - berlaku anjakan paradigma dan kemajuan terus dikecapi secara berperingkat. Apapun, kata kuncinya di sini adalah - ILMU.

Apabila renaisans itu di gunapakai dalam konteks "Melayu" dan ia diseru dalam peringkat nasional, apakah maksud tersiratnya di situ?

Adakah Melayu itu sudah terkebelakang dan alpa dalam kemundurannya sendiri sehingga Melayu itu pada rohnya perlu digoncang supaya "bangkit" semula, mengambil peranan dan hak nya seperti selayaknya atau Melayu itu memang sudah sedar namun masih lagi merangkak dalam proses pengembangannya untuk maju ke hadapan.

Justeru ada keperluan semboyan "bangkit Melayu" kadangkala secara interval perlu dibunyikan agar seraya Melayu itu sentiasa waspada perjalanan mereka masih jauh dan beronak duri untuk ia duduk dalam satu zaman yang dikatakan "madani", maju, civilised serba-serbi terkehadapan dan matang.

Aku lebih suka mengambil idea yang kedua itu.

isu kepada entri sebenarnya bukan ingin mengupas isu seberat ini, mahupun secara pseudo cubaan-cubaan sedemikian. tahap intelek aku belum mencapai standard piawaian para sarjana yang jauh lebih mahir dalam bab ini.

Pokoknya, aku hanya terfikir kerana keadaan yang aku hadapi sekarang memaksa aku untuk menjejakkan kaki ke dalam isu ini...sungguhpun begitu, masih SANGAT JAUH untuk aku mendalaminya sedangkan aku juga adalah MELAYU secara literal dan definisi mengikut perlembagaan persekutuan mahupun secara batin dan zahir, dna itu memang darah Melayu, asal daripada bumi Sumatera.

yang menjadi persoalan di benakku: adakah mungkin kuasa politik yang masih lagi dinikmati Melayu kini akan terus menjadi miliknya dalam tempoh 10 tahun akan datang? Kerana selain aspek ekonomi hanya ini sahaja benteng yang masih mutlak kuasa majoritinya kepada Melayu - the last frontier, tanpanya nescaya Melayu akan "pupus' dan tergadai di bumi sendiri.

Satu senario yang agak menakutkan namun tidak mustahil untuk berlaku. Ia pernah berlaku di beberapa tempat yang lain seperti (ye sangat cliche) Singapura dan Selatan Thai, adakah situasi itu akan tercipta di sini kelak?

wallahu'alam.

Untuk bacaan lanjut, klik ke blog Tan Sri Sanusi Junid

Mau apa lagi depa ni?

What else does (the non-malays,non-muslims) want?

In yet another round of ruckus of the never-ending spats of holier-than-thou, abolish-this-and-that, we-want-equality-BS and the likes, the local news (depending on organization) have set a 'colorful' headlines.

first on the 'scrap that race column' issue.

the non-muslims / non-malays (henceforth shall be addressed as "the nons") demanded that the government make away with that  race-column commonly found in government-related-public-forms in this country. Typically, you get the main three boxes as, yes, 1) Malay, 2) Chinese, 3) Indian and 4) Lain-lain or "others". So now the nons want these boxes to disappear, never to haunt them again. and as always, there are differing opinions on this - however typically divided into three - 1) agree (the nons usually and the so-called 'liberal-democratic-mature-modern-malays-muslims' , secondly the disagree group (again depending on what pov glass you put on, you may view these groups differently) and finally we have the usual 'i don't give a fakku' lots, vis-a-vis the fence-sitters, the i-go-with-the-flow lots. Of course the last group is the easiest to please and appease.

now, for the bajillion times - what else does these nons want? is it not enough with what they have in their hands? apparently not. you see, EQUALITY is what they seek you might argue. BUT is it really? for again bajillion times we see explanations from exemplary leaders, statesmen, credible politicians on this matter - that the basic Four traditions enshrined in the constitutions pertaining to the Malay supremacy, which are the Malay rights, the Malay rulers, the Malay language and Islam as the official religion - are not to be toyed with. for the defenders of the Constitution, these traditions are pillars of Malaysia that should be respected with, whilst the offenders - nay, they say - men writes this constitutions, men can alter it too. and yes, MEN CAN DO THAT. majority rules remember? if majority of members of the parliament agrees that there should be amendments in the Constitution regarding this matter, it will be just that - AMENDMENTS.

you see, the nons tasted blood. and by blood i mean "political winnings" post March 2008. and from then on, their winnings widen. they tasted blood. and they liked it. they want MORE. just that. they've basically got much of the worldly things covered but political power. see that POWER. men just want that. men want power. to reign supreme. here's the problem. in malaysia, the perception is the MALAY is the one that reign supreme. BUT reality is, for the Malay, only these four traditions in the Constitution the "power" that they have.

you know, i don't loathe the Chinese, the Indians or the Others, mostly. no, I don't. BUT i hate the overzealous political chauvinistic of the nons - particularly the DAPs and whoever else that shares the same tent as them, especially on this matter.

as a MALAY, 'guarded' by the four traditions, I say this again (I've said this before in this blog) and I'd live by without that 'traditions', am willing to give up that IF ONLY the nons stopped PRETENDING to be the proponents of equality and justice and anti-racism what not while at the same time guarding to their last teeth on their RIGHTS to maintain the vernacular schools and systems! yes, start acting as Malaysians for once, abolish vernacular schools, assimilate with the rests and then, only then you can ask for equality and earn your place to bitch about racisms.

---

second matter - the supposedly coerced conversion during a seminar at my alma mater. again this issue is a 'package' for disaster if combined with the first's. RELIGION. ISLAM. equals MALAY, and we're back to that basic four traditions in the Constitutions.

as a Malay, a Muslim, I strongly believe that religion shouldn't be forced upon. Islam believes that every Muslim should respect others' faiths and believes just as we expect respect from them for ours. As enshrined in Surah Al-Kafirun (the Disbelievers) "to you your religion and to me mine" (6:109). thus if this allegations is true, then I too, condemned whoever coerced the students to say the syahadah. BUT if it's NOT TRUE, then the other party should stop fanning this issue, dropped it, and let it be. for Allah has chosen those hearts to have them revert to Him and who are you (we) to question the Almighty. EITHER WAY, the case should be thoroughly probed into just as many other conversion cases purportedly by Christians on Muslim by ways of deceiving them or via charity/missionary/underground works, since abandoning the faith is a capital sin in Islam and punishable by death according to Syaria laws.

point is: there should't be any selective cases. all reports should be investigated.

my take, however, if one wants to leave the religion by their own admission and freewill, without fear or favor, if you must then do what you want to. for religion is the question of faith in one's heart. believes of the Supreme force. be it as it may, whichever way the flow goes, who are we to police the matters of faiths. the matters of hearts. the matters of choice. OF COURSE with one exception, at least in this country. DO IT quietly. Don't go prancing around in a public seminar and by the end of the session force participants to convert to the religion of your choice. don't go public. because if you do, this what happens - chaos. ruckus. instability. misconception. misunderstanding. giving religion, ANY religion a bad name.

---
aiyayai...some heavy stuffs here. making me emotional and dizzy. i should just stick rantings about my little one and just be done being a normal, mediocre stay-at-home mom (for now). InsyaAllah, JUNE will come and brings me change that I long for. UiTM, wait for me please. and UM oh please be nice and expedite my senate letter. cut off the red tapes. I've been waiting since forever. Show me the letter already.

Demi Agama, Bangsa dan Tanah air - from a Malay political heavyweight's POV

Disclaimer: This is a repost

In this very lengthy post yet could be considered as a brief, comprehensive, succinct analysis on a very serious discourse (and the same time thorny issue that has been central thesis whenever one discuss about Malaysia's socio-political history) - the survival of Malay. The author, renowned Tan Sri Sanusi Junid made it easier for any "minah" and "bujang" (my Malay substitute for English's idiom on "any Tom, Dick or Harry") or any layman to digest.

The following is one of the many points he raised that strike a chord in me, plainly because I reckon, as I am one of the alumna. Wonder how many of UiTM graduates are supporting this? Indeed, if every one of the alumni contributes to the fund, the university would have sufficient funds to utilize for the betterment of its students vis-a-vis the young Malays.

Setelah begitu lama kita tidak buat cadangan yang membuka peluang untuk kita bertindak atas inisiatif sendiri tiba-tiba laksana musim kemarau didatangi hujan Yang Berhormat Menteri Pendidikan mencadangkan tabung alumni UiTM yang wajib didukung oleh sekitar 500,000 graduan UiTM dengan sumbangan RM2,000.00 seorang dan mensasarkan jumlah kutipan RM1billion.

Thus this blog recommends anyone with such interest in the topic of Malay, its survival, its dilemma, its political social-economy prowess (or lack of) and other subtopics that may rooted under the big five letters, sacred word of M.A.L.A.Y, should spend their quality Internet time browsing the article Demi Agama, Bangsa dan Tanah Air (or loosely translated in English - In the name of religion, race and nation).

And oh of course the article is written in Bahasa Melayu or Malay language with just a few paragraphs in English. 

Delayed But Never Denied

Salams.

Despite my best intentions to pen down my thoughts, time always seem to caught up with me. With so many things to do in so little time.

ANYWAYS, my life now pretty much resolves about caring the newborn baby girl. Yes, the wait was finally over last 6th of February, just three days shy of the estimated due date which also happens to be my birthday. Thus, you (I) could consider this newborn baby girl as my greatest birthday gifts there is. Alhamdulillah.

Gosh there are just so many things happened in between waiting for the bundle of joy till date. I got so  many things rushing through my minds and thoughts that I need to share (record) just for my recollections one day.

1) Labour and Postpartum

First things first, I want to share about the FPP scheme at Hospital Putrajaya. For those unfamiliar with the terms, FPP stands for Full Paying Patient - is a scheme that the ministry of health introduced back in 2007, which offers patient to have services rendered just like in a private hospital i.e. specialists consultation instead of any random Medical Officer or worse rookie doctors aka Houseman Officers! Anyways for more details one can read here FPP Scheme Putrajaya

I started my FPP around 7 months of pregnancy - that is to say I started to see the specialist for the antenatal check-up instead at my regular, local Klinik Kesihatan and Hospital Sg Buloh. Just a anecdotes on my FPP experience though. I got/assigned to Dr. Wan Ahmad Hazim Wan Ghazali, or better known as Dr Hazim, who happens to be the Head of Department (HOD) of OBGN despite my first intention to get a female doctor (under the FPP scheme, only one female doctor available then which was Dr. Hamidah). So for those who wants to know how to register as FPP, one just need to go to the registration counter at the hospital lobby and simply ask for FPP registration (at least that was what my sister told me).

BUT I was nearly DENIED the FPP by the attending nurse - under the reason that "FPP is expensive and costly, I am afraid you can't cope with (the costs) miss.." that was exactly the response I got from the fatty nurse by the way. I mean, how demeaning was her, belittling people and assuming that patients who consciously aware of the FPP scheme to not have them register just because she thinks one cannot afford it??? (on other note, I must have looked pretty darn "selekeh" (read: pauper) to be asking for a FPP eh). Of course that ticked me off - BUT I insisted, and then that fatty nurse tried another excuse that no more specialist doctors are available to which I vehemently objected. In the end, she called the HOD and presented my case, and the HOD said I could have him as the doctor (In fact, I didn't have to wait for my first appointment date, as the HOD asked to see me).

Anyway, that is that. Overall, my review on the FPP is 6.5/10. The breakdowns are as follows:-

A)) On the service (antenatal clinic)

- quite disappointing. I mean the waiting part is just AGONY. To think that you're paying to wait with the majority of others who don't have to pay full payment is just unacceptable. I mean I can't see the point of charging patient for RM110 (every visit) to wait with the rest for more than 2-3 hours even! To me there should be a separate lane/system, to differentiate the full paid patients with the rest.

- again, for RM110 per visit - service is quite dismal. at the front counter of the clinic after the agonising wait, you'll be seeing the nurse who will check your BP and weight (you step on the scale and note the numbers yourself, mind you not the nurse), then depending on the number of people present and perhaps the mood of the attending nurse, she will or will not have an extensive review on you. after which you will be made to wait yet again for your number to be called, which then you need to piss in a urine cup and check for the HB reading yourself (by placing the test strips provided), clean the cups yourself and WAIT again to be seen by the doctor. I MEAN this whole process will be much faster, accommodating and with friendlier nurses if done in a private clinic or even in Klinik Kesihatan / Hospital Sg Buloh antenatal clinic! Again, the thought of paying full payment of RM110 and yet you got to do all the nasty bits yourself, just irks me off.

-finally you get to see the doc. In my case, Dr Hazim, the HOD. again for RM110, the doc's consultation service to you is very...brief. Not to mention no privacy as he would have another HO or MO with him in the room, with most of the time providing some training to them while servicing you (read: his attention to you may not be a 100% and most of time he wanders off). HOWEVER, I must note, that HE IS SUCH A NICE DOCTOR. of course a veteran at the hospital. though i do not know how long he has been a doctor. but the nurses told me he was already servicing at HPJ since its establishment, which was circa 1994-ish.

Ratings for clinic: 4/10

B)) On the actual labour process
So, i was admitted at the HPJ on 4th of Feb. was actually asked to go home (though my doctor instructed me to be warded as I will put on induce meds) -simply because there were no available beds at the supposedly Executive Wards (which is known as Ward 5A- that caters all the FPP patients). That was pure annoyance. I mean I got my maternity/labour bags packed and ready, and I was mentally and physically (although not "anatomically") ready to do all the pushing. Thus before succumbing to the counter's instructions, I went for verification with my doctor and he was shocked and immediately made the call to the front desk and DEMANDED his patient to be warded (as he said he have reserved a bed for me). SO we were back in the game. and off I went (EXCITEDLY) to the much talked about Ward 5A....only to be frustrated, again. I was given a 2 bedded room! BUT MIND YOU you are still charged the premium RM300 per room, regardless. and so now am really pissed. [FYI: even the beds charges at SJMC costs less than that] - and my bed's auto functions was malfunctioned. what a service, what a way to start my "stay" at the exclusive ward 5A (read: sarcasm).

anyway, minutes turned to hours and I still didn't see Dr Hazim though he "promised" to come after his clinic is over. sometime after lunch, then the nurses said he'll come after office hours. and ....yes, you guessed it. HE DIDN'T show up at all. so my first night of RM300 not so-exclusive stay was a "rip-off", in that it was very unproductive, as I didn't feel at all the need to be warded since i don't have the labour pains, not to mention didn't get to see my appointed doctor or ANY doctor to assess my conditions - so unproductive that I felt the need to take a walk around not only the ward but the hospital. yes, i went down and walked around from the labour hall and back to the main building, not only to kill boredom but also in my attempt for a bloody show. BUT alas, I called it a night at 11pm and my hubs went home. BUT I didn't get a good night's sleep as my "roommate" just delivered and her baby was constantly crying (and LOUD). I was part stress because of the noise that infant and her parents make but also stress because that roommate already delivered eventhough we were warded at about the same time, and our babies were about the same age (she was 37+ weeks and I was 39 and this was both our second child). SO first night went by and NO baby. no signs of it at all.

the next day,  i was told that i'll be induced early in the morning by Dr Hazim. so i was looking forward for that. woke up early (at 4am) showered, and got myself ready as ever. only to be disappointed again, that there was no Dr. Hazim, only some normal MO (one of his many proteges i reckon) that showed up and faced my v-jay-jay (literally). He inserted the painless meds and asses my condition at that time: 5th of Feb, 7am - no dilation, no effacement, v-jay jay's soft though aka ripen for delivery. He estimated i'll be in labour in a few hours as the magic meds will do its tricks and i'll get the long for contractions pain. So off i go and waited that....and nurses were coming and going checking my BP , my contractions reading...BUT IT WAS NOTHING till mid-day. They took off the contractions reading straps/machines as I was not showing any signs of labour and postulate i'd on my way for another dose of induce meds by what was then I believe the invisible Dr Hazim. ( as he hasn't turn up despite much promises that he ought as my attending physician).

Lunch time came. Ate the so-so hospital foods. and yes despite my GDM I indulge in everything western menu that is available - of course only to find the taste being compromised or rather "Malaysianised". my spaghetti Bolognese lack ingredients, no parm cheese, and runny sauce and my  mushroom soup has no mushrooms in it. Feeling depressed by the no-labour-signs and dismal food, I was begging my hubs to find me some good food. as the nearest 'civilised' and decent eateries is at Alamanda mall (which is about 20mins from the hospital), i still beg the hubs to get me some, anything from there. one of the nurses agreed that perhaps I should satisfy any 'last cravings' i had that could perhaps fasten the delivery after. So after much contemplation, I came up with an order : Starbucks Macha (green tea) Frappuccino Grande and turkey sandwich. So off he goes, obediently ..yes thank you hubs. this was about 2pm. and suddenly i got a call that my parents were at the hospital lobby with my eldest daughter Hana who was down with high fever yet wanted to see me so bad she was crying inconsolably that my parents had to come and bring her to see me. BUT after the H1N1 plague around 2009 - most hospital impose new stringent rules - no kids under 12 years of age to be allowed in & around the wards. So I had to come down and see them, which i knew was difficult as the nurses denied my requests, pleading requests unless i seek them from my Dr Hazim (the invisible). this was at 3pm and i asked when will i get to see this invisible doctor? so the nurses said he'll come at 5pm to which i replied, "and what if he doesn't? because he promised to come before and never did". and that shut the nurses up. so unconvincingly, i waited for the doc while my hubs was rushing back from alamanda with my starbucks and at around 3.30pm i had a few sips of that cold, sweet frappuccino....and suddenly, i feel some back pains. me thought "oh here comes the contractions?" but i wasn't sure.

meanwhile, my hubs got another drama going - he accidentally misplaced the car keys and was looking all over the place (literally) and with the help of the hospital guards . i mean practically everyone at the lobby know he was "that guy that lost his car keys". and then 5pm, the man i've been waiting for, the name i kept repeating in most of my conversations with anyone about my labour - Dr Hazim, came with his proteges. Cool as cucumber, he "checked" me and just said "ah, am just gonna give a little budge" while two of his fingers were deep in the v-jay-jay. apparently that MO i mentioned earlier didn't insert the meds correctly hence there was no contractions going since 7am. WTF. however, he said that i only 1cm dilated but as if he can read my anxious face, he was like "u really want to go into labour today eh Aishah?" and I silently nod at that. LOL. yes, why not. I mean i've always wanted the birth date to be on the 9th as the same with mine and as the EDD was consistently shown, but if today (5th of feb) was the date for the birth of my child, i thought "yey, same as Norman KRU". LOL. (read: a real KRU bonkers, and Norman in particular of course this was prior to Norman's receding hairlines). anyway, I asked the permission to see my daughter and the doc allowed it. only to asked me to be cautious and use a wheelchair. I thought to myself "pfff, who needs a wheelchair, i am a STRONG woman". but i obliged to his instructions nonetheless. so around 5.30pm i was on my way down to see my daughter who i miss sorely...

HOWEVER as soon as i got down at the lobby, hugged my baby girl Hana, chitchatted a bit, and between the lost car keys drama and suddenly found them, I FELT STRONG, SHARP PAINS. so bad, I was convinced this is the labour pain i wanted so bad. [when i had my first born, i didn't actually get to feel this labour contractions, braxton hicks what not until i was in the labour room, induced and heavily sedated]. the pain was so bad, i knew i was going into labour and asked my dad to wheeled me back to the ward the soonest. i can't even get up. can't cuddle my Hana. so i bid them goodbye. my dad wheeled me back. My hubs found the keys. and that pain continues at regular intervals, longer each time from 6pm. we were so convinced this is it, that I took a small bite of my dinner that night, had my bladder emptied, showered, and jotting down the pains and its duration. BUT no nurses actually heeded this pain, until one nurse came to check my malfunction bed, and saw me bracing through the pain, and convinced i am on my way to labour. so we insisted that she called on my doctor (however unlikely that is) or any doctor for that matter. and as expected, the elusive Dr. Hazim sent another of his protege MO straight from the labour room to check on me. this Dr. (amir or something...) checked and convinced i was 4 cm dilated, consulted Dr. Hazim via phone and Dr. Hazim endorsed me to be pushed to the labour room. so the plot thickens and intensify at about 10pm and i was as excited as i ever can be (and in between pain). yes, me thought to myself. BUT as soon as I arrived at the labour room around 11pm this elusive Dr Hazim still didn't check on me and apparently no one, not MOs and certainly not HOs or nurses will check on FPP patients without the approval of the appointed doctor themselves. lest, you, the patient will be left as be until your own doctor came or any approved MO by him/her.

Finally, an entourage of perhaps rookies and MOs stormed my room 6 at the labour theater, and checked on bunch of things - including the dilation & effacement. still 4cm so they said. and I was told to take the epidural. of course i hesitated on this, i wanted to be free from drugs and feel the pain this time. i took the pain fine the last time, so this time it shouldn't be any problem. but another part of me, wanted to try this much talked about, extra charges on your bill - epidural drugs. so after a brief consultation with one of the MOs there, talked about risks and after effects although i was partly irritated by his remarks which seemingly subconsciously implying me that i 'm some dumb, dinosaurs-trapped-era, mediocre, uneducated housewife with his "ala this epi procedure is so normal (like this is the 21st centuries), people do it and take it so often, it's so common that they are practically not risky anymore" with a very cold (not to mention handsome, young) face. ((intermission: suddenly i found myself transported back in time when i had my first surgery in 1999 with that oh-so-handsome Dr Faizal of HKL, yes I remembered his name and face too...and with all that Noah Wyle likes in the hit series ER scenes flashing off in front of me while this particular episodes of my life took place)). A few minutes later, i find myself signing the agreement for EPI letter and a MD anesthesiologist came and explained in full and very calmly the procedures that i am about to embark.

Soon, I found myself ready for the epi insertion. Must confess, I am quite scared as this involves your spine. Honestly I was imagining the many "what ifs" ...such as "what if this goes wrong?" or "what if I came out from this epi and paralyse?"...and all other scary scenarios playing on my mind. BUT it was too late to back out from the decision as the doctor prep my back for the hair-thin needle insertion in the spine. A look at the clock and it was already about 1am and am told i was still only 4cm dilated. Although at this point my contraction was strong (and I could still feel the pain) but there wasn't much action happening down there. Finally, the elusive Dr Hazim came by to see me at around 1pm. Checked the v-jay-jay and confirmed it's still 4cm. He asked me nonchalantly if i was in any pain. to which i answered "NOPE. Nothing". of course the EPI drugs was already in effect. and he was happy to hear my answer. "yes, that's the whole point of having Epi drugs - u don't feel the pain". however, what came next was shocking to me.

he said "well alright, I'm off now. You can go to sleep. try to sleep and get your rest". while walking out from the labour room leaving me in gasp. I couldn't answer as fast as i wanted to. I was shocked. Did I hear this doctor right? why does he ask me to go to sleep? shouldn't i be pushing this baby out? what's happening....and million other questions racing in my mind. and just like that, the doctor left me be again. I am almost confident he is an invisible man (read: sarcasm). luckily there was one nurse there and i seek her verification on the matter about dozing off in the room. in the LABOUR ROOM. sleep? doesn't sound right. BUT she confirmed, again, nonchalantly that i should get some sleep, or not...as it will take awhile for the birth. how can she knows this?how can she be sure of this? there must be some kind of conspiracy...it's as if they 'drugged' you and left you in veggied mode and sleepy, and they're off to take some naps or coffee breaks. 

BUT that was that. I was getting sleepy yet anxious. and I don't feel much of the pain anymore. My contractions was still regular and strong however at this stage, my baby was dozing off too. and this raise the concerns of the attending MOs who took charge of things (since the elusive doctor went home! so i was told). and so in between the pain and sleepiness, there were MOs or nurses coming in and out from the room checking the baby's heartbeat and sometimes asking me to reposition myself as to wake the baby or at least keep her active. i am told this could be one of the effects of the Epi drugs too - your baby in the womb is also sleepy!

anyways, I SLEPT every now and then dozed off. and soon it's 6am. told my hubs that perhaps after Shubh adzan the bubs will want to go out. so asked my hubs to prep himself, went to pray Shubh. those graveyard hours before I woke up, were very quiet suddenly became noisy again with the stream of new shift staffs clocking in. and there were new MOs too checking me. and boy, am already 8cm dilated! I was like "whattttttttttt?" why didn't i feel anything. and the excitement was back again. told hubs, this is it. but my elusive doctor still didn't come in. the MOs and nurses were getting ready. they are convinced that I'll be giving birth anytime soon as am already 8cm. that's huge progress. and so by 7am, I saw my elusive doctor again, all primp and refreshed. he was his chirpy self as always though. chirpy but relax and cool.

Dr Hazim: So Aishah. how are you? Tidur cukup? Dah ready? Doktor check sikit ye.
Me: Tidur. Ngantuk. Da berapa cm saya?

and he poked me.

Dr Hazim: mmm, dah tak lama dah. sekejap je lagi. awak da 9cm. Doktor pecahkan air ketuban ye.

and he calls his team to prep. oh my oh my. just like that, in less than an hour am about to push the lil bubs out into this world. and from then on, everything went so fast. a team of MOs, nurses came in to assist the doc. and the doc poke the amniotic sac and i was off for the big push. BUT i didn't feel any pain, except the urge to excrete my bowel. the nurses were half panicking. "that's the cue. u feel like u want to make a big poo poo".  they propped up me legs and the doctor instructed me to take a deep breath, hold and give a mighty push everytime i feel the contractions. BUT there was a problem. I don't feel the contractions. as I was on epi. so there were two nurses supposedly on watch for that contractions (with their palms on my tummy to see if it's hardens - then that would be my cue to push). and so i push and push while all the way the Doctor was praising and guiding everytime. which i find soothing....i was pushing hard with my hubs next to me taking the roleplay as "pompom boy" cheering me on, encouraging me, and when i push hard and right on cue, i got praises from the nurses too. i felt like i was on a marathon, trying to get to the finish line. am so convinced i'd make it....UNTIL..........

Dr Hazim: Aishah, push Aishah. Tarik nafas push...cepat Aishah sikit lagi. Baby awak da stress ni..

when i heard that my baby was in stress, that pulled me back. I got scared. I pushed my hardest but somehow it wasn't enough.

Dr Hazim: Aishah, push hard. kalau tidak doktor kena bantu awak.

and that one last deep breath, with my hubs cheering me and giving support saying the baby's head could be seen, i just need to give one last push...so i did. but it wasn't good enough apparently and so the doctor helped the birth and used a vacuum. I heard the doctor's disappointed grunt while using the tool. I felt like a loser. I lost the marathon. I felt awful. I felt sorry for my baby that she needed to be vacuumed out which would leave marks on her tiny, soft head. BUT I was tired. I didn't have the energy. or perhaps I wasn't doing it right. the doc congratulated me and showed me the baby (but didn't placed her on the tummy like they did with my first born the last time at this same hospital). My hubs said "good job mommy". and he was pleased. he was happy. i was happy that the ordeal was over. and next was the stitching/sutures. i must've ripped my v-jay jay, oh how i worry i ripped it off. the last time my postpartum experience was horrible. the sutures was horrible, and i had to lived with the pain for quite some time. and so i was hoping real bad that my doc will do his best with the sutures. as i was still on epi, i couldn't feel a thing yet very conscious to see his serious face in between my legs stitching me up. he even scolded his rookie, a MO for not focusing in this live "tutorial", practically called her off when she didn't sponge /wipe off the blood. anyway, i felt reassured. and felt this time around the stitches will be awesome. (read: last time i had some rookie stitched me up or lack of stitching that is).


anyway, kudos to Dr Hazim though elusive and invisible yet cool as cucumber and the finest of doctor i've had the privilege of service.

so lil bubs was delivered at 8.53am, weighing 2.70kg, height 51cm, head diameter 33cm.

but just when things were all done with me, i still didn't get to see her and nurse her till about 2 hours later. i was told they put her in an incubator to help her lungs breath in the oxygen. perhaps all weary and stressed from the whole traumatic womb-to-world journey, she couldn't breath well. BUT alhamdulillah. i got her on my hands hours later, and nursed her. and baby and mommy was doing great.

was back at my ward by noon. starving like hell. then to my utter disappointment, i was still placed in the two-bedded room, though i was next in line for a single room (prior me leaving for labour). so that pissed me off. after much quarreling and arguing here and there (malas nak pour in the details menyakitkan hati sahaja), I got the much waited room transfer at 7pm. so we spent the night in the single room. and was discharged the next day (7th of february at 12pm).

Ratings for Dr Hazim: 8.5/10
Ratings for ward service: 2/10
Ratings for ward food: 5/10
Ratings for ward nurses: 2/10 (strictly for all the evening nurses on that 6th feb, mostly rude and cold and unaccommodating).

total damage costs: RM2990. (note: most charges incurred for the stay, i stayed 4D3N - rm300 per day & epidural & after hours doctor's visit).

OVERALL: I'd recommend this FPP scheme for anyone who seeks government hospital service but are not government servants. HOWEVER if you do have money to splurge (maximum RM10K) for delivery, you'd better go for any private hospital. As for me, would I go for this FPP scheme again if i ever have another baby? - perhaps. depending on the financial situation. Preferably I'd go for other established private hospital and so i'll need to save for that but if the moolah situation about the same as this experience, i'd probably go for Selayang Hospital FPP. or why not, again for this FPP and under Dr Hazim again. because the hospital has my health records and the doctor am familiar with. He was a pleasant and good doctor and thanks to him in the first place, I didn't have to get insulin for my GDM as instructed by the mediocre, rookie government clinic's doctor I previously attended to before changing all my appointments to FPP HPJ.

A pregger's wishlists....nappy bag.

I've always wanted to have an Allerhand nappy bag eversince my first pregnancy...but back then the thought of forking out at least RM450 for a medium/decent size nappy bag sounds a bit too much for me (it still does anyway).

This time around, Allerhand still makes it in my "nappy bag wishlists" and so I've started my search for a bargain when I entered my 6 months' mark. Let me attest to you folks, at least here in the Klang Valley, there isn't any shops (as in malls) or even online shops (that has a physical shops too not those FB resellers alike...) who sells Allerhand bags at less than RM400 (for the normal retail of RM449).

At malls such as Parkson, Tangs or Isetan...would normally cut the price 10% during their sales time but still they don't carry much designs/options...

And so, I thought of purchasing (making a maiden purchase at that...) of my Allerhand via a FB reseller called 'Baby Clig'. Got this name as she is the only reseller that I often come across to when browsing for Allerhand bargains. 

Unfortunately, while most of her stuffs are indeed relatively cheap than normal market price, but they're cheap because most of them are pre-loved items. 

I have a thing with pre-loved items. I mean, unless it's a house or a car...am quite open to the idea of having them as mine after someone else's have used it, however normal day products like clothing/bags/accessories...things that are prone to wear&tear, I am a bit skeptical that the conditions can be as good as they normally would claim it to be.

Thus, that's the only reason that kept myself from making a purchase at the said reseller (she's a good, nice person i reckon by the way based on my chitchatting when enquiring her products).

Other than Allerhand, I got my eyes fixed to another similarly close designer-compartmentalized nappy bags, the Storksak. But, this brand that hailed from UK is slightly more expensive than the German made competitor- Allerhand. A decent/medium size (non-leather) Storksak will set you back at RM500-RM600. Not that much different than Allerhand's. The plus size on Storksak though is it's sleek, stylish, not-your-average-type-looking-nappy bag. 

Honestly, all Storksak looks like a chic handbags albeit the secrets lie within - compartmentalized, detachable insulated bottle bag & changing mat. 

Another thing is based on my little research, I haven't seen any of Storksak bags at any department stores that i frequent to. Even online shops, suffice to say there's only two reseller that carry these branded nappy bags; 1) Bebe Totz,  2) Ergohand / Persatuan Mama Papa (FB). 

My other options would be JJ Coles (but this brand also aren't mainstream yet and so it is quite difficult to find them in stores), and the rest (of nappy bags that sells over RM200) are okiedog and another brand (Forgot, but you can normally see them at Anakku or baby shops).

Anyway, just as I about to give in to online temptations and succumb to purchasing a Storksak that would cost me RM500++ (or also salivating on a leather type that costs RM800++)...I come across a shop that sells Allerhand at 40%-50%!!!

I was surprised and happy too. so the first time (and since I was going back home) I only managed to surveyed briefly the items on sales and there were alot to choose from. Naturally as someone who has been salivating on these bags, that night, I couldn't sleep the way I usually do. Mind kept thinking on whether I should or should not buy that Allerhand. 

The following day, I woke up feeling ...yes, I need to make that purchase as I have been surveying the past 3 months and even since last 4 years...never have I seen them on sales for 40%-50%!

Went back to the store, as early as I could (10am) and took the liberty to pick and choose and try out every single one of the designs that caught my eyes...naturally, if you're familiar with Allerhand, most of the designs common here are the stripey ones in orange/yellow, brown/pink, or brown/blue. Rarely have I seen in stores Allerhand in solid colors. 

And so since am expecting another baby girl, I thought of choosing something in pink. And the store has solid pink on sales. 

However, I really couldn't decide whether to get a stripey brown/pink Allerhand Trendy Shoulder Nappy Bag

Or this ...Allerhand Trendy Tote Large 

Or...this one Allerhand Carry-on Pure 

.....see? Sure mommies out there can relate to my little dilemma here. I mean all of these 3 bags that I have my eyes on are nice and pinky. However, a lil rundown on its features/differences (according to picture).

1) The straps aren't adjustable enough to make it a sling bag, but it is quite roomy in the middle compartment.

2) like a tote bag, not as much compartment with only one big zip and smaller zips on the sides (with small space to place small items). Straps adjustable but can't make it into a sling bag.

3) there's a small strap in the middle thus it's called carry-on (like a briefcase) with the middle part lined with a hard material (meaning the size can't extend that much once you place your stuffs in it), straps are adjustable and padded. But my only fret because of the hard-briefcase like material, space can't be compromised and it feels a bit heavier than the other two. however, because of this design, it looks much sturdier and could pass on like a handbag/non-conventional nappy bag. 

Alas, which you think I took home? 

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Tadaaa....option number 3. 

But now being me, the ever indecisive ...am having second thoughts. This one does look nice but the space is what I fret. And as always, when asked my hubs, he answered "oklah tu" (typical him haha).

But yes, the price is pure bargain! Got this for only RM220! (Normal price RM450) + extra free gift mini Allerhand Sweet Pink Umbrella worth RM69. Now, this is why I am still an online shopping virgin.... ;) nothing can beat the feelings prior selecting a product, the touch&feel...plus, most online shops can potentially be dubious sellers. Who knows. 

Am still deciding whether or not to have this bag changed to the other two options mentioned. By the way, the other colors of the same trendy bags are selling at lesser price, and the common messenger bag type are even cheaper. A real bargain. Go to one utama pj for this sales!