the whole truth

Kullun Nafsin Za Ikatul Maut

2011-12-27T04:20:00.000-08:00

A sad day.

I lost a dear friend, ,a classmate...even sadder I only know about this devastating news after 2 weeks of her death.

Al-Fatihah to Dalilah Abdul Ghani (1973-2011). She was an ex-Astro, ex-NTV7 staff and my ex-MSDS UM classmate of 2010/2011.

She was a private person, very lone ranger type - rarely mingles but had one big heart. She was ever helpful. Thing was, prior upon knowing this news (or rather outdated news) I kept thinking about her, the thought of calling her, checking on her was so strong i woke up several times in the past few weeks to the thoughts of her - i was meaning to call her so bad, but i never did. and now how i regretted not doing that.

It is said she died of cancer, but of what kind - we were never told. I tried calling her cell, but it is already disconnected. None of us (the classmates) knew about her death, and apparently only one guy who had smsed her earlier this semester (around july) told me that the last time he chatted with Dalilah via sms, she told him she was sick, she was really really sick and couldn't answer any calls. But El (the guy who chatted with her) never said anything...not until today.

I personally am devastated. Even though i knew her way before we were classmates (when working in the field, she was a reporter too)i was never close with her and rarely talk with her until we were in our second semester, i've got preetty close with her. We studied together, we exchanged notes, we went to library, but most importantly in what seems to be one of her last few months - she has helped me A LOT on my thesis proposal.

For someone whom i never really was close with - i was really moved when she offered to help me with my studies...there i was struggling about my studies, and she came to the rescue, of all people i knew ...and yes, she really helped me. went through the troubles of going to the library during our semester break to see me, to discussed with me, to brainstormed with me about my work! she didn't have to do that, but she did. and she did wholeheartedly. I was overwhelmed, i was really grateful for that and vowed to her if she needed anything for her work - i'll be there to help.

But, I'll never get that privilege. For now she is gone, too soon...from us. She was kind...really kind.

Seriously without her pushing me for that proposal, i would had never finished it, would never had the idea to do what i am doing right now - coming from the same 'field of work' before - we exchanged ideas easily about what we aimed to do that was in relation to our working experiences. She and I even spoke several times about getting back to the field but as freelancer, and she was ever helpful to let me know if there is any opening anywhere and so was i - but that never took place.

In addition, what is even weirder - this is my third time having 'lost' a friend that i've been thinking about so strongly before finding out their death - the first was, Allahyarham Eddy Adika (i wrote about him before) and then there was Allahyarhamah Nor or Kak Nor of TV3 News whom was so dear to me as i was always chatting with her every time i made the visit to the 'injest' room at tv3 news - so much so, she was kind enough to buy me my favorite Muar coffee every time she comes back from her hometown. All of them died of cancer, yet Dalilah's death was the most shocking one - cause she never showed any symptom. She was as healthy as we know her to be since day one - yes, she talks very slowly but that's just because she was one of those soft-spoken kind. There was nothing unusual about her..at least to our naked eyes.

But now that this happened, I could not helped but to reminisced the times she and I were studying together and that was in end of May/early June-i remembered we were crazily thinking about the titles of what my thesis going to be...from the 'normal' one to the 'ambitious' one - and I said to her how much i really appreciate her helping me, truly am thankful and said i would do everything i could to return the favor once she needed that help with thesis, she said "Oh, I don't know Aishah, maybe I won't be able to do it" i mean it struck me as odd, but i never knew what she meant really so i asked her why and she said because she was old. Looking back, who knew maybe she was already falling ill and i was the foolish one to have not seen that coming. That was in May/June and from El's account he smsed Dalilah in July (im guessing) because that was the start of the new semester when Dalilah was supposed to registered for her other 2 subjects. So in between that, it was pretty quick, how her health deteriorated just like that...she must have been having stage four cancer or some really serious cancer because when i saw her she was just fine - and then................

Oh, Dalilah. May you rest in peace, May ALLAH bless your soul, and you be in the everlasting Jannah - happy and free from all diseases - you were a good friend, was really good friend and i am forever indebted to you for helping me out with my proposal, with my studies - forgive me for not being a good friend for i never called you to check on you although every muscles in me ached to do so - but never did, and now it is too late. Al-Fatihah Dalilah Abdul Ghani. :'(

*****our last group photo, the only photo we had with her, Dalilah is the one far back in between dear Yasin Temizkan and Ellaine Arriany. ***********

Random

2011-12-22T12:03:00.000-08:00

Besides the fact i am trying my hardest to get back into my 'writing zone' after taking up a few days of break (due to my daughter's falling sick yet again), there are a few happenings in my life that i would like to record here.

1. HTC tablet
What was thought to be a good bargain from Maxis, turned out to be a disaster. Hub bought a new HTC tablet as a 'replacement' for himself since our lil rascal hogging his Samsung Galaxy Tab since forever. So in what was a short lived joy, he brought home the new HTC with a new upgraded wifi package only to find that the cable are a bit torn near the cord, and when we're trying to remove the sim card, the sim card slot jammed. Utterly disappointed (him, not me), he brought the HTC to fixed at Maxis presumably under warranty since it was still the first day since purchase! So, left that thing for about 3 weeks - up about last Monday, hub's hopes to be reunited with his HTC- crashed. Maxis didn't want to pay the repair that costs RM950! said it was completely my hub's fault. After 3 weeks, with 2 visits - the asst manager said it was the customer's fault to not thoroughly checked the purchased item! what bull is that? I didn't witness the quarrel between hub and the asst manager as i was waiting in the car parked illegally of course in the very congested ttdi area in the morning, so i could only imagined hub's fury (and yes it can be scary if his angry) he said, he terminated everything! now if it was me, i for surely would want to make it a complaint, publicly, maybe an open letter to the GM of customer service/HR/Corp Comm everyone in Maxis, you know make it a big fuss with the ridiculousness of the whole ordeal - but it is hub, so he didn't do much although he is in good contact with their head of PR all thanks for his position in the media co. BUT he didn't use that advantage to just channel a little frustrated concern. so typical of him, never like to abuse or misuse anything.

2 lessons learned from this incident though. 1# HTC sucks! the quality surprisingly dismal. Ruined on the first day of purchase! can't be any worse than that. in times like this, i applaud the sturdy design of apple products. i was an apple skeptics before owning an iPhone, but since i bought it - it has suffered countless scratches, being dropped numerous times, heck my daughter even used it for teething! 2# don't get overly excited over something and must never get a product that matches your existing one ( more like lesson for hub) am gonna persuade him more to get an ipad2. or not macbook yes macbook (fingers crossed) haha.Anyways, we are now wifi-less. and it sucks to only rely on very unreliable streamyx at my housing area with no backup in times of need.

2. Flu, fever & coughs
So me lil rascal is still unwell for the second time in less than two weeks. AND that is not good. I am really worried really, really worried. I hope it is nothing serious, cause every time we pay the visit to our local clinic, it would be the same replies - "no worries, kids they get sick easily". yeah but for someone as young as she, and diagnosed broncho-pneumonia last 2 months - falling sick on a regular basis is not something not to be worried. I mean, in one perspective i feel like a sore loser parent - unable to care for her so that she won't fall sick. I am failure. In another, i feel there must be something more that these doctors can do -she seems to have a lot of phlegm building up inside her and yet every time we visit the paed at SJMC - she only prescribe Ventolin and another kind of inhaler. that's it. She's so tiny, and not gaining much weight - she's only 12kg at 30 months of age. She barely gained weight since last 8 months. She's amazingly active though, but her digestion i don't know - sometimes she didn't poop until 3 days. She already got the first jab of pneumococcal, and 2 jabs for hepatitis A and B - and she will get her second dose today (friday). All these vaccinations are not cheap at sjmc mind you, and under the new medical coverage system by hub's co. under ING insurance - these vaccinations are not covered! meaning we have to bare the costs, now doesn't matter that under ING hub's med benefit's "upgraded" until 40K (the old one under GL was only 5K for spouse and kids)think the union at the co. gotta do something about this insurance coverage. Anyways, hoping the best for my lil rascal, poor her...little but can't enjoy much without worrying she might fall sick...again and again. InsyaAllah, my Nur Raihanna Iman will be fine...i got so much going on this year...dugaan betul :(

3. scholarship
Worst case scenario might well be the only scenario for me...is granted extension without allowances/fees coverage. My compatriot of tpm thingy who is studying in uitm, said his application is still pending. although kpt's approved the other part is still waiting to be processed. this friend of mine always update me on anything about everything tpm thingy since day one - so i wont miss anything cos the idea is he's studying in the uni, thus he'd get much more info (more accurate). Anyways, i better have that safety net out by feb - cos by the looks of it - i might just be unlucky. u see this friend of mine have sent his forms last 3 months and still pending, i had only sent mine last week! so what are the odds? Haha. anyways, as i have been writing, i just hope my 'worse case scenario' would be getting half of the allowances extend- that is the kpt's side. at least i don't have to worry about fees...as for the other half; i will get by ...insyaAllah. there will always be something somewhere to find money. I mean i just helped out my lil sis's bf freelancing job last week - enough said he paid me more than i ever earned when i was working for a 12 hours job. (yes, my last pay was roughly less than rm100 per day, yep that cheap - so think again if you want to be in the media industry) :)

new year's reso? want to be a better muslim. last week, while filling up my gas at shell, i chitchatted with the attending person- a bangladeshi man as usual or 'mat bangla'. impressed with his fluency of BM, i asked him casually how long he have stayed in the country. anyways, the dialogue between him and i went something like this:-

I: so your BM is good, u must have stayed here for quite a bit.
MB: ah, yes, 5 running years ive stayed...(he actually said that..5 running years and continue explaining what he meant by that...)
I: oh ok ok (dont hurt yourself) i get what you mean. (smiled)
MB: before, i stayed at JB...everything ok people ok, but my amoi boss not - she didnt let me pray. (teary eyes)
I: that's why u came here?
MB: yes, but here ...i thought ok, well...slightly...my boss (Chinese) always nag me on why i have to pray so many times a day. I had to explained to her many times. and..there's no prayer room except that (pointing) store room..so no place to pray very hard.
I: just pray in the store room, couldn't u ask your boss for that?
MB: i did, she said no, and she said if i want that room so bad, it will be deducted from my pay...i said, ok do what you want to do - cut my pay, as long as i can pray 5 times a day that's all matters...i am a muslim, i must pray..i must no matter how hard life is, no matter how small or cheap my pay is - i must pray 5 times a day...i must.
I: (humbled)

--------------yes, that was how hard this Bangla guy had to face his daily struggles just to pray 5 times a day at work , bullied, questioned, but his Iman, his faith remains strong as ever. I kept thinking about this conversation i had with him and how i myself have numerous times let this duty of mine 'slipped'...i kept saying praise to Him, but i forget to thank Him most of the times, I take things easily this duty to pray 5 times a day - yes unashamedly , i skipped Subuh so often, that i think it's always ok to qadha' (repay) later ...but when i want to qadha', i feel ashamed because i've let myself go to the devil ...Allah has blessed me with this life, i am still living, He blessed me with the chance to pursue my dreams - getting this scholarship was a dream, i had constantly asking from Him to grant me 'the break' from my previous job- He listened. the Almighty Allah but what have i give in return? having chatted with this Bangla guy really opened up my eyes - i saw the sincerity in his eyes i felt it in every words he uttered. I want to emulate his sincerity, his spirits, his perseverance, his Iman...despite the many hardships - he never complaint about the pay, the skipped meals he had to live by but only the chance and place for him to face Allah. he only voiced throughout his convo with me - he's been denied/questioned to pray and that what saddens him...

i want to have that in my heart. that hidayah, that light, that taqwa. that is my hope for next year and maintain for years to come. oh and of course i want to finish my writing pronto, can't wait to get back to uni, and give back to the place that has shaped me, educated me all that early years of my adulthood. uitm sangat cantik sekarang. uitm dihatiku..(eh sama slogan ngan tempat kerja lama..takdir sangat haha)

A dan ukuran kepandaian...?

2011-12-20T10:36:00.001-08:00

So i finally submitted my application for an extension...now am leaving everthing to Allah. As expected, my dean was not happy with my cgpa, heck i am not happy with my cgpa, it could be considered "bad" for a tpm scholar like me...but what can i do abt it? I am as frustrsted as i can ever be upon learning the very burdensome theses won't be graded except for a mere pass or fail, so in other words i have no more chance of improving my cgpa.

So, could cgpa really be the yardstick for one's intellegence/diligence? I dont think so, well not really, at least not for postgrad studies and especially not in um very discreet peculiar grading that is solely on the lect's prerogative.

I think it is fair to say that all of my batch mates that took all subjects last 2 sem- were screwed! At least for 2 papers- of which all of us had awesome carry marks- heck, i got a 44/50 for my IR class, a 38/50 for Warfare...i could have easily scored at least A- for both! All of us could easily scored A- ...but none did! None! even for those who had soaring carry marks of 48-ish, didnt get A-. Peculiar. So, only one reason could explained that- both of the lect for each papers that we were all so aiming to get As, resigned just before final exams!! they have done all they can for us, marked our papers, hints for finals, finish all syllabus- they left us with hope to score well. But tangled in offc politics one of them did, made all of us "pay" for a second review i reckon...especially requested/probe by one person (of whom i think was not on a same page with the other one) this said person took over the class, and "took" away all of our carry marks too i reckon by requesting a second review (something tht any lect can call for, on any students/class to re-assess the marks given, and whatever marks the second review tabulated- tht is finalised! Even if it's lower than the first time score. I'd say pretty draconian don't you think?

So, with tht- we were all screwed! I am screwed. Gone were the hopes of securing at least 2 As although i busted my ass for it, and gotten a very good carry marks. It was difficult to fathom the calculations, i mean even our mr ambassador thts been on top of the class didnt get A for IR class- of which all of us had great carry marks, and was hinted final exams' Qs.

So there, i personally think, to get good cgpa one doesnt have to be good only at the studies, because even if you're good- there are other factors such as how fond is the lect to you or the perception of the lect to you could also be subjecting your As. and in um, if one lect thinks u dont deserve the A, they can ask a second review with no reason but dissatisfaction/disbelief and basically can ruin your life without u even know it until it's too late.

I may not be super excellent, but i never failed, i send my work on time, i did my assignments, i didnt skip class, i was never late-however i was never the booty licker, party warmer, i dont talk much (cos there was one mad woman in class that was super egoistic and control freak, so we mostly let this mad woman speaks) , heck i never offered to send the lect home, i dont go knocking on their doors after class bugging/showing my interest for extra notes...because thats not who i am.

anyways point being As or not, purely subject to tht lect- some can be stingy some can be very lenient. Though we had two lenient lects, we were screwed becos they resigned (asked to) earlier than final exams, and got screwed with the second review system. So this sem, from what i heard, most are doing well cos they have 1 lenient kind prof. one friend who extended the studies for 3 sems more- even had 2 As bcos she was lucky to have had some lenient lect.

Was i stupid /lazy student cos i didnt get A+? no, i dont think so. I can better write than one friend that got A+ yet i dont have A+ becos i was one of the unlucky batch that got screwed with the second review system!! My cgpa could have been at least 3.6 now. Could have but didnt, and there goes my hope to further my studies overseas. Damn the system!

decisions decisions

2011-12-12T11:21:00.000-08:00

Salaam.

this one is short and not so sweet unfortunately, despite my high sugar intake that is i still cannot make this entry a 'lickerishly' sweet one. LOL.

Still pressing on the race of finishing the unfinished.

I reckon am so under stress and pressure that i got ridiculous acne breakouts almost every part on my face now - even the delicate part of my eyelids! I don't have to be a rocket scientist to know this as you know it's not that month of the months when acne breakouts are anticipated.

Yes, stress it must be.

Way off schedule. In fact make that way derailed off schedule. So derailed, that I can't even make a good sentence and look up in my dual dictionary even such primary school words like 'underestimate'. Bah!

Exhaustion... cannot even begin with that part.

OH last Sunday, my neighbour held her son's wedding- i was really anxious of making an appearance, simply because i am just so fatso now, and the eye bags and acnes oh so unappealing to anyone's sight to behold mine included. Yet, hub pushed me to go, and i know i just must go for the food of course because i was so immersed in work (and sleep deprived) that i just don't have the interest to cook (unless really really need for the sake of my daughter) so we usually have take-outs, and last sunday, 'lunch' was served practically in front of the house. Under the tents of course. LOL.

I was so anxious and worried, i tried couple of my baju kurungs as if getting ready for a date,. Even then, i was never that anxious. But this time, to my horrid discovery, i can no longer fit into one of my fav baju kurung!

Gosh, i must have gained so much saturated fats. Reckon the sleep deprived part is also one of the contributing factor to weight gain.

LAstly, i resorted to wearing casual black skirt matched with the only decent-kenduri approved attire and still fit into- black tops..with decent amount of diamante to dazzle people on a hot sunny Sunday. LOL! No surprise, to the very laid-back community that still surprisingly practice gotong-royong for this kenduri kawin, they were giving me a smirk or reluctant smile or wondering smile maybe because of my seemingly out of place and colored attire. Black for a wedding! HAHA, i was mourning alright, mourning for my own "death" on thesis writing. Death of that derailed thoughts...that is taking longer than expected to be fixed.

Anyways, decisions decisions. Content analysis? Suicidal! Indepth interview? Double suicidal! Mere qualitative secondary data reviewing? Do-able but too easy for me (gosh, nak berangan lagi tu ...da takde masa pun still nak reach for the stars)

yes i'd still reach for the stars. and hope i get extension to buy me some time to reach for that one star of finishing this incredibly burdensome writing. Mama help me.

Progress: 15,000 words. Half to go. HALF!

Kenangan....

2011-12-09T13:54:00.000-08:00

Kenangan.

Hidup memang banyak kenangan. Suka duka. Pahit manis. Ada yang kita perlu lupakan, ada yang ingin kita ingati dan ada...yang sudah kita terlupa tiba-tiba menerjah kembali.

Contoh hari ini, ketika ini, tiba-tiba aku teringatkan cikgu sementara sekolah rendah aku di Kampung Tunku, ketika Darjah 4. Cikgu Nur Izzah Mokhtar kalau tak silap, beliau menjadi guru sambilan untuk tiga bulan rasanya ketika itu. Kami rapat dengannya. Aku rapat dengannya. Selepas dia berhenti mengajar, kami (bersama dua tiga rakan sekelas) pernah ke rumah beliau berhampiran dengan sekolah kampung tunku, betul-betul dekat simpang stesen minyak Esso.

Kami berjalan kaki ke rumahnya yang mengambil masa kira-kira 10 minit. Sampai ke rumah beliau, kami dihidangkan air oren ais. Sejuk. Rumah banglo cikgu aku masih boleh ingat, kosong ketika itu tiada orang- kedua ibubapa beliau keluar (bapa cikgu seorang Hakim). Cikgu perkenalkan kami dengan adik kembar perempuannya. Kami terkejut, seronok pun ada. Muka sama. Putih mulus, dengan cara pakai tudung yang sama (bayangkan stail tudung tahun awal 1990an- tanpa bonggol unta yang tinggi ye!)

Beberapa tahun selepas itu, kami masih juga sesekali bertandang ke rumah cikgu, Hari Raya dsb.

Kemudian, semakin lama semakin jarang berhubung. Sehinggalah cikgu menyambung pelajarannya dalam jurusan perundangan di University East of Anglia, London. Beliau pernah mengirim kepada aku sekeping poskad berlatarkan universiti beliau serta sekeping gambarnya. Itulah yang pertama dan terakhir.

Sehinggalah, aku menjejak kasih kembali sekitar 2003. Itupun melalui telefon. Beliau masih ingat pada aku ketika itu. Dan beliau sudah bergelar peguam. Rasanya aku menghubungi cikgu untuk mendapat nasihat undang-undang.

------------kini zaman teknologi serba canggih, dengan FB, Google etc. Aku cuba jejaki di alam maya. Tapi, hampa. Manalah tau, untung nasib cikgu terserempak dengan entri ini, saya ingin membuat pengakuan- saya teringatkan cikgu! :) apalah agaknya khabar beliau sekarang? tentu sudah berkeluarga.

Dan, sedang aku mengimbau kenangan bersama cikgu Izzah, aku teringatkan seorang lagi cikgu Kampung Tunku aku, juga cikgu sambilan, atau lebih tepat Ustazah sambilan. Tapi, aku lupa nama uniknya kecuali nama pangkal RATNA. Sekali lagi aku gunakan enjian carian, tapi tiada apa-apa. Kemudian, tiba-tiba, nama itu datang, kenangan itu menerjah...aku ingat kembali! Cikgu RatnaDumilah Sari, asal singapura. Ketika hari terakhir beliau, cikgu hadiahkan sekeping penanda buku buatan sendiri dengan kata-kata hikmat "Strive harder for a better future". (wow, tidak semena-mena teringat tentang itu juga).

Aku juga masih ingat, betapa aku merujuk kepada kamus untuk perkataan "strive" dan jadikan ayat itu motivasi kehidupan pembelajaran aku.

Dua nota penting kepada entri ini:
1) Betapa orang yang baik walaupun sekadar "menyentuh" hidup kita walaupun seketika, tetap tersemat dalam kenangan, apatah lagi seorang insan bergelar cikgu.
2) Benar, kata orang - tentang kuasa minda. The power of our brain = minds. How, suddenly, without any warning we could be reminded of something that has passed our lives many years back. Memory do remains.

Temporal happiness or absolute happiness?

2011-12-01T15:01:00.000-08:00

So what choice would it be for you: temporal happiness or absolute? No doubt many would answer- absolute! Who'd wants anything temporary? No one likes temporary position- be it anything. For temporal being losses out the sense of security. Something we humans can't live without.

Don't believe me? In finding job, we surely don't fancy anything temporary status- the possibility of you being terminated is high. Now, securing a permanent position, secures you a place, the certainty that you belong to the place.

In seeking love, absolutely wanting that special person returning the lasting, absolute love for you, hence marriage often seal the deal, security that that one person won't leave you and easily find him/herself out of love.

When speaking truth, people trust more with absolute truth than half-truths (eh, wait...that equates to lie is it not?)

OK. It's 7:18 am. I haven't slept since morning and i been working for hours in front of my pc, often hitting the backspace button when trying to write something regarding my school work. I need vocab boost, i need absolute intellegence? OK am rambling too much.

Wrote a piece about can we live our life without Facebook. Actually, wrote that out of my sister's request for her...um, can't say. Spent quite some time and took me some real effort- i think i wrote not too shabby piece. Nothing academic, just ordinary, columnist like writing.

Hence, the rambling - am stress but not too stress for blogging this. Found out Rara Zikri, a 23 year old beauty lim kok wing student that made headlines a little while ago because she got diagnosed with respitory problem that's depriving her brain with oxygen supply. She initially just feel ill, had an asthma attack one unfortunate day while briskly walking in a park- turned blued, admitted to hospital then fell into a coma for 2 months and when she woke up- only to be in a veggied state, paralysed...can't speak, limbs stiffs. And now she is gone. It is a sad story, and a good lessons for us that life can be too short, and taken away in a moment. Imagine you were just laughing away with friends, enjoying your day and suddenly...collapsed & fell ill and disabled. This Rara Zikri is such a beautiful, sweet looking girl. Really beautiful and just in a split moment that beauty was taken away by Allah. She had to endured pains that only we can imagined before she was taken away forever from this world. And to know that she's the cousin of my ex-classmate, makes it even sadder, i cannot ever imagine the grief her family is going through. May Allah bless her soul and found her absolute happiness that is jannah.ameen.

Melayu oh Melayu , Bangkitlah Bangsaku.

2011-12-01T02:13:00.001-08:00

In the spirit of UMNO 2011 General Assemblies (PAU2011), I can't help but to be drawn in by all the issues raised throughout the assembly thus far. BUT I find it quite baffling as this one last 100% Malay party's delegates and top guns keep lashing out at the opposition and focusing too much on how-to-win-the-next-general-elections, but lacking in real ideas to uplift, uproar the Malays spirits that's fast weakening, finding ways to UNITE us back in the spirit of oneness.

I have respect for DS Shahrizat. I think she is such a good person with great personality. And during my very short 4 years being a journo, most of times I covered stories on her - so I had the privilege of knowing her enough to know her personality that is a humble, motherly, approachable - befitting of a politician.

BUT her speech in the PAU2011, I find it to be quite.....an emotional wrecked. Infused with such hatred to slam back at the oppositions. No doubt she's hurt with all the recent NFC scandal and cow condo fiasco - but I just thought she should have not made that stage as a bashing center. And what is up with all the screaming? Where is the modest, decent lots of wanita UMNO have gone to?

NO, don't get me wrong. I am all UMNO. I've had long tradition with it, as long as I can remember (wrote about this once). BUT somehow this past of late, UMNO seems to be losing its focus. Losing its grip. Losing its........aura? I don't know, not that I am implying the opposition is all stronger. They are not. Well at least for DAP. Why? Cause the Chinese are all united.

Yes UNITED. that is the key. How can we attain that? The next GE is no doubt in TS Muhyiddin's words: Mother of all General Elections. The determinants of Malay survival. Yes Malay. Oh, no I can't be saying such things can I, I'd be called a racist.

BUT who are the real kiasu lots. As I've written before about my version of racist encounters with the Chinese, of how it is difficult for me to find a no-brainier job like a salesperson (for filling my semester break only mind you, heck I have SPM too) at Sunway Pyramid because of the 'oh-so-not-racist-ads' these operators put up that goes "Chinese Only - Inquiry within" or "Chinese Female Only", and some i reckon means the same thing but written in Chinese. Heck, I am still in Malaysia am I not? And what is up with preferring Chinese only worker at a shopping mall that is not selling things all-Chinese? In a shop of international brands like Esprit, Guess, or even clothing line like Padini (just to name a few). BUT hey, they are not RACIST OK.

Then, there's the usual frustrating, deeply annoying encounters with these kiasu lots. When scouting for a parking space at shopping malls. As you know, most of the malls are swamped by these race especially One Utama. Man, try going there on weekends and you'll see what I mean. Sometimes I wonder if I am in Taiwan or HongKong. It is just seas of Chinese!

And no, they are not RACIST when say, you're trying a find a spot for parking, then you see a couple of Chinese walking about - you'd assumed they are on their way out - hence, you drive up to them slowly and kindly ask "Excuse me, where's your car?" or even referring them to boss "Boss, mana kereta?" BUT in 10 encounters I've had with these people, 9 encounters would just IGNORED me and even worse IGNORED with a DISGUSTED, ought to be SLAPPED face and there was one encounter the bunch replied although in a banal answer "Sulah ada orang lah!" - and to this, husband and I were puzzled (at first) since we were sure we were the only one tagging them - then we made a u-turn and surprised to see there was indeed another car waiting for the space, but wait....the occupants of that car was all Chinese! and this bunch were happily and all friendly chatting while the husband load up up the truck - sure they converse in Chinese. Ah, but wait, THEY ARE NOT RACIST for saving up parking space for another Chinese.

This incident may mean nothing, but surely one can only imagine if these kiasu lot are controlling EVERRRRYTHING. They can't be nice even once a Malay asks for simple question like 'where is your car, we'd like to park there after you exit' - they ignore us, shrugs off in annoyance - do you honestly think there will be place for Malays once they are in power???? And this disgrace was done to us with us not driving too shabby cars, mind you. Wonder how they'll react if we drive in kopak-kapik, destitute state condition car- they probably spit at us!

Nay, people. BUT wait, I'd be called racist, chauvinist, ultra-Malays for this. I am sad, because we, Malays never done that to them. At least I know whenever I am their situation (note: in mall trying to park the car) I'd happily answer them if they ask me the same question, regardless of race! BUT, these Chinese not giving back the same gestures. Yet, we're still the ones called racist!

Enough said - for you Malays who thinks it's better to be in the opposition camp - be it PKR,PAS, or DAP - please think again. Oh man, PAS that's a whole other issue. No doubt under their rule is all about enlightenment for religious matters - like in my constituency - sungai buloh - wow, very...PAS-like - modest, laid-back...too laid-back KFC's our only signs of civilizations and the only supermarket (own by a Chinese - DAP for sure) doesn't serve fresh, good quality produce.

Ending this, I reproduce something a fellow blogger site (ah darn it, I've exited his page..can't remember who it was)

KENAPA HANYA BANGSA MELAYU SAHAJA YANG PERLU MENGINGATI SEJARAH NEGARA?

Melayu dikhianati?

Hati Awang semakin hari semakin ditoreh-toreh oleh tuntutan pelbagai pihak bukan Melayu yang bersikap terlalu rasis selepas Pilihan Raya Umum ke-12. Kita boleh tafsir apa sebabnya. Awang tidak mahu mengulas panjang kali ini, cukup sekadar disiarkan semula petikan kenyataan seorang pemimpin MCA, Tun Tan Siew Sin pada 30 April 1969 (dipetik daripada buku Khalid Awang Osman dan pernah diulas Ridhuan Tee Abdullah) untuk renungan kita semua.

''Orang Melayu menerusi UMNO bermurah hati melonggarkan syarat-syarat dalam undang-undang negara ini sehinggakan dalam masa 12 bulan selepas kemerdekaan, 90 peratus penduduk bukan Melayu menjadi warganegara. Ini berbeza dengan keadaan sebelum merdeka di mana 90 peratus daripada mereka masih tidak diiktiraf sebagai rakyat Tanah Melayu walaupun hampir 100 tahun hidup di bawah pemerintahan penjajah. Sebagai membalas kemurahan hati orang Melayu, MCA dan MIC bersetuju meneruskan dasar memelihara dan menghormati kedudukan istimewa orang Melayu dan dalam masa yang sama mempertahankan kepentingan-kepentingan sah kaum lain''.

Sebelum itu, seorang pemimpin MIC Tun V.T Sambanthan pada 1 Jun 1965 pernah berkata:

''Pada tahun 1955 kita telah memenangi pilihan raya dengan majoriti yang tinggi, selanjutnya mendapat kemerdekaan dalam masa dua tahun kemudian. Dalam jangka masa itu, kita terpaksa berbincang dan menangani pelbagai perkara termasuk soal kewarganegaraan. Persoalannya di sini, apakah yang dilakukan oleh orang Melayu memandangkan kita bercakap menyentuh perkauman?

Apakah yang dilakukan oleh pemimpin-pemimpin Melayu? Mereka mempunyai 88 peratus daripada pengundi menyokong mereka. Apakah yang mereka putuskan mengenai isu kewarganegaraan? ''Jika kita lihat di serata negara Asia dan Asia Timur, kita akan mendapati kaum India tidak akan diterima di Ceylon dan juga tidak diterima di Burma. Sama halnya dengan kaum Cina, mereka tidak diterima di Thailand, Vietnam, Kemboja dan di negara-negara lain. Apakah bantuan berhubung kewarganegaraan yang mereka peroleh di semua wilayah tersebut? "Di Burma, seperti yang kita semua sedia maklum, kaum India telah diusir keluar, di Ceylon mereka tidak diberikan taraf warganegara seperti juga di Burma. Saya tahu dan anda juga tahu. Apa yang sedang berlaku di Malaya? Di sini kita mendapati pemimpin Melayu berkata, ''Kita akan menerima mereka sebagai saudara, kita akan berikan mereka sepenuh peluang untuk meneruskan kehidupan di negara ini, kita akan beri mereka peluang untuk menjadi warganegara''.

Seterusnya pada tahun 1957, dengan tidak mengambil kira kebolehan berbahasa (Melayu) ribuan orang India, Cina dan Ceylon menjadi warganegara. Seperti yang saya nyatakan, saya amat bernasib baik kerana dilahirkan di negara ini. Di manakah anda boleh berjumpa bangsa yang lebih prihatin, bersopan-santun dan tertib selain daripada bangsa Melayu. Di manakah anda boleh mendapat layanan politik yang baik untuk kaum pendatang? Di manakah dalam sejarah dunia? Saya bertanya kepada anda. Ini adalah fakta. Siapakah anda untuk menjaga keselamatan kami? Saya adalah kalangan 10 peratus kaum minoriti di sini. Tetapi saya amat gembira di sini.''

Persoalannya, kini apakah pengorbanan Melayu dikhianati oleh kaum lain?

-Awang Selamat-

O Divine Intervention, I seek Thee.

2011-11-30T04:46:00.001-08:00

Salaam.

OK taking a break from writing the never ending thesis.

I know I really ought to see my Madam Supervisor. BUT, my work-in-progress still bunch of mess, like an unsolved jigsaw puzzles; messy, perplexing, head-spinning.

How could I ever come in and let her see that kind of work. Need to have more before I dare show my face.

Latest news: all other peeps on UiTM TPM scheme, who is studying in UiTM got another 6 months of extension. Great....for them. To top it off, they don't need to do any thesis anymore now that the system has been changed. Double awesomeness.......for them.

I desperately need a divine intervention. If not, 'humanitarian intervention' will suffice.

Today's the first day we send Hana to my mom's without me being there. I intentionally stayed home and trying my best to concentrate with work without Hana- to focus more.

Surprisingly, the quietness of the house without my little rascal is..........weird. I don't need to scream every now and then to her - i actually missed her 'bugging' and 'cuddling' with me.

However, I know this me-time is crucial for me. And I am thankful hub is very understanding on this. (although many times I felt differently as i thought he wasn't supportive enough...but I am wrong. Thanks sayang)

Man, whoever thought writing a dissertation that carries a massive 40 credit hours, with less than 200 pages in translation could be so DIFFICULT.

Writing academically is....DIFFICULT. Blogging is nothing. Hence the constant updates, to pour out once awhile. Taking a breather.

AND doing it all with a little rascal, NOT EASY. And I'd slapped the face of whoever that dares to say the opposite. Come on, if you ain't living it, going through it- don't have the audacity to tell me that it is a ride to do MA with a kid. Except for a few mothers with MA or PhD that had done it all by themselves (excluding those who stayed at their moms etc. i mean they got first class help with that! or the ones who have their spouse/maid to help with the kid..that is also not counted as doing it by themselves, embracing the challenges of being a student mommy)...

I have yet to know anyone personally. Except maybe for a few friends that is studying abroad. Sure they are away from their families, but they still have their spouse who took care 100% of the household chores - so she/he can focus solely on the studies. Still that doesn't count! So apart from me, I am a solo fighter. And I've still got lots to prove, not to anyone but me.

Happy New Year, Muslim folks!

2011-11-26T05:40:00.000-08:00

Masa aku zaman sekolah rendah, aku aktif masuk nasyid...oh i was never the back-up singers mind you, i was one of the leading voice LOL...brushing up the vocal cords, but i never get to anymore than that of course.

So salah satu lagu wajib aku dan in fact, lagu pertama aku kena hafal and nyanyi, adalah lagu 1Muharam.

it goes something like this....

*berdehem* [untuk clear kan kerongkong]

satu muharam detik perjuangan,
permulaan tahun Islam hijrah,
perpindahan nabi dan umat islam..
dari kota mekah ke kota madinah. (madinah..back-up sahut)

Atas keyakinan dan iman yang teguh,
kaum muhajirin dan ansar bersatu,
rela berkorban harta dan nyawa,
demi menegakkan islam tercinta.

chorus:
Islam itu perjuangan (perjuangan)
Islam itu pengorbanan (pengorbanan)
Islam itu persaudaraan (persaudaraan)
Islam membentuk perpaduan (perpaduan)

Oleh itu mari semua kita sambut Maal Hijrah
tingkatkan semangat, tegakkan syiar Islam,
untuk sepanjang zaman...
Untuk sepanjangggg ...(tarik nafas ready utk kasik ending yang bang) zamannnnnnnnnnn.
Hijrah! (back up ramai2 pekik!)

[nota: lirik2 diatas ditulis berdasarkan memori aku saja, tak pasti sama ada ianya mengikut nukilan asal penulis lirik mahupun tak tau siapa penulis asal lirik haha]

SO..............setiap kali maal hijrah, aku dan kawan2 akan praktis lagu WAJIB ni, dan berlatih kat belakang sekolah atas bukit mengadap padang dan kawan seorang akan turun dengar kami dari bawah. Tujuannya, kalau budak yang standby kat bawah tu tak dengar, maksudnya kena nyanyi lebih kuat (tanpa mic ok) so..aku memang sore power la...hahaha (kembang sat) tang jerit mak memang boleh kalahkan kak ziana...dulu lah.

apapun intipati entry ni, Salaam Maal Hijrah to all Muslim around the world. It is our new year of the Islamic calender, hopefully this new year brings new wondrous things for us and may Allah bless us all and become a more pious, devout, practicing Muslim, insyaAllah.

Ikut resmi padi

2011-11-24T00:32:00.000-08:00

Status: Masih lagi bergelumang dengan segala jurnal yang berbaki baik dalam bentuk 'soft copies' mahupun yang sudah dicetak.

Dan semakin aku leka menelaah jurnal-jurnal tersebut, semakin aku rasa ada lagi ruang yang boleh/harus aku cari maklumat supaya 'ilmu' aku cukup untuk menulis/mengolah ayat-ayat aku dalam disertasi aku.

Tapi ianya adalah satu fakta - 'ilmu' tidak akan cukup kerana ilmu itu terlalu luas, dan apa yang kita tahu/merungkai dalam sisa kehidupan ini sememangnya hanya 'setitik' daripada 'lautan ilmu' milik Allah.

Tak terenang kita dalam lautan itu. Tak terkejar aku 'memuat-turun' ilmu-ilmu bahkan bukan semua, yang aku rasakan perlu juga tak mampu aku usaikan.

Begitu kerdil pengetahuan kita bergelar manusia.

Nah, tak hairan, kenapa kerap kita mendengar ungkapan "belajarlah hingga ke negara China" - belajar dan belajar dan belajar....kerana ilmu itu tidak akan habis, tidak akan terhenti biarpun sudah ke peringkat PhD. sekalipun.

Begitu besarnya ilmu itu, begitu sekali relatifnya kepentingan ilmu. Maka, nescaya rugi bagi mereka yang hanya 'berilmu' setakat Diploma? Degree?

Tidak. ilmu tidak akan putus.

Tidaklah pula aku katakan yang 'berilmu' setakat peringkat tertentu itu jahil, buta hati kepada ilmu.

Kepada mereka mungkin ada sebab munasabab tersendiri untuk tidak terus menimba ilmu.

Malah, bentuk ilmu itu juga tidak ku katakan termaktub dalam terjemahan perlu ke menara gading semata-mata.

Tidak juga hanya terjurus untuk ilmu ukhrawi semata-mata.

Maka, kedua-duanya harus seiring; turut diseimbangi, dikejari, dikuatkan, didalami, ditunjangi, diaplikasikan. Semua manusia tahu, semuanya sedar.

Namun, tak ramai yang lakukan kerana antara sedar dan buat adalah dua perkara yang amat berbeza yang mana buat lebih menuntut kekuatan rohaniah dan displin diri.

Belajar itu menuntut displin diri..yang tinggi.

Aku? masih rendah...amat rapuh displin itu...serapuh semangat aku sekarang.

Apa-apapun yang ingin aku catitkan kali ini betapa aku kagum terhadap seorang hamba Allah yang mana pada pandangan-Nya hanya khalifah Allah seperti kita semua; namun barangkali status sosial beliau di alam ini - ada perbezaannya, lebih tinggi mungkin setidak-tidaknya lebih daripada kalangan orang-orang biasa.

Kepada beliau ini, seorang personaliti yang dikagumi. Sudah dikenali ramai. Mempunyai pangkat dan gelaran. Melalui banyak pengalaman hidup. Pernah memegang jawatan-jawatan penting.

Ya, beliau yang saya maksudkan adalah seorang yang penting dan signifikan dalam ruang sosio-politik kita.

NAMUN beliau mengikut resmi padi, "semakin berisi, semakin tunduk menyembah bumi".

Untuk Datuk R, saya amat hargai bantuan Datuk; pendapat dan input Datuk berikan kepada saya untuk penulisan disertasi meskipun saya sekadar seorang pelajar tanpa kepentingan dan tidak pernah mengenali beliau secara peribadi atau formal; amat saya hargai.

Saya kagum dan sungguh terharu mendapat maklum balas sedemikian daripada seseorang yang mempunyai status sosial yang tinggi juga setinggi ilmu di dadanya.

Semoga Allah berikan kembali kepada Datuk itu lebih lagi ilmu didunia kerana sifatnya yang tidak lokek membantu insan lain.

My little terrorist

2011-11-18T09:57:00.000-08:00

Here it is, me first formal introductory of my little spawn to the world of blogosphere. She's my little angel.

At times, she's also my little terrorist.

But, she remains all the time...my everything.

You probably think, 'Ah, so what'. And yes, I've never been this soppy. BUT I am convert to all melancholies self that of a mother to child; full of love, hope and desire to give her the best I could when I become a mom last 20th June 2009.

Yes, I am soppy because I am a mom. This little terrorist of mine is my first. And just like all first time mothers, you know how it's like to be one - the roller-coaster feelings during that whole 9 months, the labor pains (yes it's beyond scary) and the magical moments following that birth.

Yes, I am soppy because for the first time during whole year of study solitude, I have met the meaning of my life.

It is now not just about me anymore, not about what I used to dream to be, it is not about journo-adrenaline rush world that I have come to love. For now, my life - the future of it will always concern this little terrorist (and who knows, many more terrorists?). Spawning life, creating more muslim ummah.

The sacrifices that I have made so far, is nothing to what is installed for me in the future.

I left a job for pursuing a dream. I moaned about coming back to that job once. I went back. But one thing kept pushing me out from that selfishness to be what i enjoy to be - this little terrorist of mine.

I whine at the times I have to sacrifice my time for her, to leave my study desk for her, upset to not be able to go to the library because no one could babysit but me.

BUT once I am doing all those things, I feel relieved... Am glad i am there for her. Am ecstatic to see her daily progress of growth. The little sentences she make with her little mouth.

Motherhood is a roller-coaster, it's all intense feelings mixed to one. You could be angry and then civil the next. BUT nothing, above all beats the feelings when my little terrorist would suddenly come to me in the midst of nothing, without any warning, and give her mommy a big fat hug and warm kisses while saying "Sayang Mami".

That it is only words. But it is so strong of a word it jolts me back to reality that I need not be languish and persevere for whatever obstacles that may come in the future. I need to be strong for her. I need to be that super mom for my little terrorist.

Yes I am soppy, but you will be one too if you've become a mother enduring 11 hours of labor pains, with tormenting post-natal experiences and now you see your bundle of joy, the apple of your eyes grow in front of you without missing any huge details in that first 2 years of her life is - super bliss.

No regrets.

Mission Failed #1

2011-11-17T14:15:00.001-08:00

It's Friday. Gulps.

Taking a break from reading the so many articles (and there is many more to cover..). Maybe, my health is deteriorating, or maybe i am just plain exhausted due to the lack/irregular sleep. Cause this past few days, I realize that I have been trembling when trying to write/type ..you know when operating my hands. But then again, even when i am not doing anything with my hands, i could feel the tingling sensations every now and then and i would tremble afterward.

Bizarre. I do hope it is only temporary and nothing serious for I just cannot afford to be sick physically, mentally and financially. Yes, am a pauper student with one final allowance due end of this month. After that, I am on my own.

I can go on and on at least keeping awake for a full 48 hours (i have done that, most of the time for studying purposes) BUT that was when i had a maid. Now, all by myself (except on hub's day off) I can't be selfish and immerse myself into studies. Got to cook, feed, bath, care for my little terrorist, my little rascal, my little angel.

What have I done so far? Prior starting my 'marathon-crash-writing' plan, I've marked today as the day for submitting 3 chapters in drafts.

Unfortunately, can't keep up. Dateline have to be postpone till next Monday. Planning to submit/meet SV after my daughter's doctor appointment, insyaAllah. Hopefully, I finish by then.

Meanwhile, am gonna log off. This old hub's laptop that's operating without battery & without a cooler fan, is getting overheated. Need to eliminate any risks of further postponing/injuring myself and the work.

Anticipating the Year End

2011-11-15T09:08:00.000-08:00

Less than a month to go.

Progress been slowly catching up, i have to sacrifice my sleep for it. Made a "crash writing" schedule. Time is of essence. Time is running out. Time is ....screw it. I do hope for more than 24 hours in a day. I need more time.

My 'coughing' still bothering me. Went for a second visit at the clinic last Monday, even the doctor was baffled as to why my coughs will not go away. He gave me new prescriptions though, including an inhaler for bronchitis/asthma and the bits of 'crystals' that you dilute in a warm water and breathe in the steam.

Good news: my sinus and phlegm seems to be recovering. Less blocked-nose now.
Bad news: 'dry' coughs intensified especially at nights/ while i am lying down, trying to sleep or after i take my showers. And i am coughing so bad, sometimes i almost puke.

The doc said, I'd have to give these new prescriptions a week or so. And if it still persists, he's going to refer me to a specialist.

Life can't be any more dramatic for me now. Talk about challenges. I have never been anymore sleep deprived in my life yet got to be strong and stay committed for school work, play mommy-role and house-wifey. Luckily, I don't need to clean the house - as my hub will take on that part and doing the laundry too. Am not whining, will take it all in, positively Insya-Allah.

For now, just hope that this cough will go away, I can't bear to be this sick too long; too many at stakes now, too many responsibilities to carry. Need a healthy body. All this will end, soon. Oh, and on the brighter note- dad has been discharged last Monday (although it was by his own request). I am not a 100% sure of his health records as of now since prior being released - mom was all worried for his soaring blood pressure readings, also his surgery wound still not fully dried (he's diabetic).

I reckon dad don't want to stay because he wants to do something so urgently that needs him out of the hospital, pronto. Something that he keeps as secret from us all. Just saying it smells 'fishy-fishy- here, it doesn't add up cause he insisted he was enjoying the stay at the hospital. And suddenly, he's out from the ward despite the worrying conditions?

I haven't got the chance to see him yet. I'd usually follow hubs in the morning (if hub's working that is) and I'll visit the parents later after sending off hub to office. BUT if I fail to catch the 'bus' in the morning, I'd usually be left off by hub and that would pretty much discourage me to make a 40++ mins drive accompanied only with my little rascal and her unpredictable mood. So, I'd rather sit it out in this suburban neighborhood of mine where its nearest sign of civilization is KFC. So much of that oily chicken, that it was one of my little rascal's first brands that she can easily associates with! LOL.

OK time's up, back to the world of social political theories and what not - a world when one reads, one might think that one's knowledge of the world been elevated to a new realm yet one will ends up feeling more lost than before to the so-called enlightenment process - cause all the theories, to me- nothing but a scholar's concoction of ideas. Interesting..but debatable.

Sakit Tekak

2011-11-10T10:12:00.000-08:00

Masih sakit tekak, ini (11.11.11) sudah masuk hari ke-5, kalau seminggu aku tak sembuh -harus refer specialists ENT.

Sakit tekak ni pernah kena diagnosed dulu - mula2 memang macam sakit tekak normal ; tekak kering, rasa pahit etc and then sakit, suara mula takde, susah nak telan - conclusion tak sedap badan.

Selepas makan ubat klinik rakyat kasik termasuk ubat batuk (walaupun aku tak yakin kemujarabannya) hari kedua, aku demam. badan seram sejuk. suara totally takde. sampai kalau nak cakap kena berbisik. Yang best anak aku pun akan bisik balik kalau cakap dengan mami dia ni...dia ingat mami dia main-main bisik plak..how cute that is kan.

Then, on the third day - demam baik, suara ada balik walaupun bukan tahap kemerduan yang biasa - kiranya tahap suara contestants karaoke jambanlah...bolehlah nyanyi tapi ke laut - lepas tu kalau cakap je sepatah dua - akan batuk.

Yang baik daripada musibah ini : suasana rumah agak tenang sedikit, aku kurang leter ngan anak aku, balik hub pun aku takde bagik satu jam buletin - segala hapdets aku kasik berita terkini jeks gitew. short and sweet. walaupun suara garau.

Pastu hari keempat, kotak suara semakin pulih. Tapi hari ini aku da rasakan yang sakit tekak aku bukan sebenarnya sakit tekak normal - punca sakit tekak aku adalah kerana resdung aku.

Aku pernah lalui sakit macam ini. aku akan batuk dan batuk dan batuk - tapi macam batuk kering , batuk kosong, batuk tak lepas gitu. Cakap skit batuk. Telan air liur akan buat aku nak batuk dan berdehem je mesti aku akan batuk sebab rasa macam lendir je kerongkong.

Dulu, seorang doktor panel aku pernah diagnose sakit aku berpunca sebab resdung. Kata dia, ada mucus dari hidung aku yang tak lepas (as in nak bersin tak keluar, nak telan pun tak lepas - so mucus tu dripping kat tekak membuat tekak gatal dan aku akan batuk-batuk) . Itu teori dia. Jadi menurut dia, aku tak payah susah makan ubat batuk, cause that won't work. Equally dia tak kasik ubat selesema sebab aku bukan flu tapi sinus - so dia kasik benda spray idung tu. (but i hate that thing cos that never really work for me)

Kemudian, kepada 3 doktor panel aku yang aku selalu pergi - sepakat (bukan hari yang sama lah kan, on different visit) yang membuatkan aku batuk ialah kerana aku batuklah tapi batuk aku membuatkan aku asthmatic. Peringkat awal asthma. So dia refer hospital, dan aku pernah lalui ujian asthmatic - yang tarik nafas dalam tabung ada bebuli tu - so aku tak lepas tarik nafas - verdict: aku ada asthma, katanya.

Tapi aku bukan asthma yang biasa menurut mereka. Asthma aku come and go. As such i don't really need to depend on inhaler.

-------------------------itu semua dulu punya diagnose. Apa2pun, sekarang aku tak rasa both batuk biasa or luar biasa. Yang aku tahu aku batuk, and semakin kerap and semakin teruk, dan tiap kali batuk -dada aku sakit. Nafas aku kuat. Rasa hidung memang sumbat. Nak telan mucus tu tak dapat, nak bersin pun payah (aku trauma bersin2 paksa ni sejak tabiat bersin ni 'memakan' telinga kanan aku)

adoiyai...banyaknya penyakit. CUMA yang risau batuk ni, sebab tak pernah kalau aku batuk, hub pun akan batuk-batuk - so dia pun kena jugak (atau terjangkit?)

harap bukan serius macam tibi.

Takut jugak. takut mati. dosa banyak, pahala ciput. Usia muda lagi. Cita-cita tinggi. Impian banyak tak tercapai. Harapan menggunung bak everest.

Orang kata sakit-sakit ni penghapus dosa-dosa kecil. kalau begitu, maka sudah terhapuskah dosa aku?

Namun aku pasti ini semua memang kehendak dariNya - peringatanNYA kepada aku yang selalu alpa.......

Another cool homegrown making a global brand..slowly but surely

2011-11-09T12:50:00.000-08:00

Zee Avi, Sarawkian. A bit like Yuna. But she's more country-ish.

Mak dulu verangan nak jadi macam ni, tapi masa tu takde la utube sume, skg da ada, perot da berscratch-mark, dagu dah berlapis...takkan nak upload vid ss sendiri, kang jadi cikgu shida 2.0 plak...or better still pensyarah tet tet? susah jah. mimpi sajalah ...mungkin nak 'brush-up' skills anak lak, lentur buluh dari rebungnya kan orang kata, hantar dia masuk pertandingan nyanyi semua - untung2 leh jadi cam ND Lala ke...boleh pencen MLM kan? takyah kejer...jd pa anak je..kerlas jugak lol

I was a poet once...LOL!

2011-11-09T11:26:00.000-08:00

OK. I am happy to consider myself a 'neither here nor there' type when it comes to my English proficiency. Of course, this degradation is only recent. Um, OK who am I kidding. I guess my English's deteriorated since I started my uni years and just gotten even worse when I embarked my journey as an employee.

BUT circa Sri Amanian years - I was pretty skillful. (Patting myself on the back now)

NO make that, awesome. LOL! (so, suka ati lah kalau mak perasan this is my blog afterall).Yes, I was in the English Club (yeah, shocker huh?), even entered an inter-class debate competition (double shocker?) - i mean, i love the language but i love any languages that is anyways. Unfortunately way back then, there was no other languages club in my school except English and Malay. I joined the school's Choral speaking. (OK that don't really count as my line was only to "burp" and said "oh and my tummy to fill" LOL) [such irony about me tummy since i am known back then to always skip classes because of gastric pains]

My major exams' result (of course the English language, 1119 to be exact) was a testament to my proficiency of this language.

Hence, i got myself placed in IIUM for a Bachelor in English Literature right after high school despite me applications to this one uni wanting to do totally different courses.

IIUM. It was historic. Not only because I was the first in my family to ever got enrolled for a uni different than the most popular uni amongst Malays. But the course was equally historic too. It was English Literature. Reckoned to be more grandeur than the overrated English TESL (teaching English for second language) course. My uncle said I could be an English lecturers/teachers/tutors which he foresees (then ) would be in demand or at least would be very useful for me once i graduate (now).

Also, that year (2000) marked another history in my life - I started to learned to wear hijab. OK. Because I had to as it was requirement of the uni (it was an International Islamic Uni M'sia anyways)

BUT, the smiles i put on my parents' face didn't last . I was a quitter. BUT i quit not because of the English course, but more of the requirement of me to pass the Arabic language subject if i ever want to graduate. This was the reason. Although not 200% but it was a major factor of me wanting to change uni because of my fear for failing Arabic courses.

Heck, I ain't ashamed to say that I read "asam" (as in Jawi reading) when i was supposed to be reading "Ismi" (as in Arabic for - name) when i saw the Arabic alphabets of "Alif", "Sin" and "Mim".

YES, i was that retarded. I can't read shit. When all the "baris" (the lines - the indicators of the Arabic alphabets are taken away, I turned pale and couldn't make the words) I was a dumbo.

BUT oh boy, how in love i was for the "ustaz" (Arabic for the male teacher). He was my only motivation to go to class every morning (yes lame and very teenager-ish). Heck, i even enrolled for extra-classes just to drool when he teaches (LOL, sorry hub).

**************shrieks***********

woooo...so off-topics now. LOL. terbabas mak. mahap, gostan jap.

ANYWAYSSSSSSSS, my point being that i find it is true when they say that we tend to be a wee bit more creative when our hearts are troubled/sad/depressed...creative in the sense that we may poured that wrenching emotions into words like a song/poetry even diary entry ok not something 'creatively' suicidal.

I mean look at all the great artists (musically) that ever lived - Kurt Cobain was at the peak of his success when his life was all shitty, so was Amy Winehouse's rise to fame with her emotional driven lyrics after a devastating break-ups.

AND i find myself no different than those artist. (OK mak perasan sat)

TAPI tang ini memang aku perasan sejak kecik, sebab masa kecik-kecik aku selalu bergaduh dengan kakak (teh) aku - kami macam anjing dengan kucing - and the not so syiok part was, everytime we had a brawl with each other, she always got mom's side although i am younger than her (mak bagi aku masa tu suka side dia..LOL) so, pergilah beta tuan puteri membawa diri, menjeruk perasaan yang sodih dalam bilik sensorang - dan aku akan suka karang-karang lagu lah, tulis diari lah etc. (LOL)

but this self-soothing method of mine, of course didn't make it to any pop charts/publishers etc. (walaupun aku ada berhajat adoiyai sekali lagi mak perasan jah, sorry).

SOOOOOOO apa-apapun, korek2 benda lama aku tgk hokehlahhh, not bad what i wrote before in my life eyh - poem syok sendiri

dan yang ni plak version haiku 5 baris tak berapa nak jadi :))

***slapppppppppppppppppp* ** ok nak cabut sambung baca journal...benda ni memang syioks sendiri.

PS: oh nota kaki, hari ini genap 3 hari ayahanda beta dimasukkan ke HKL of what seems to be a minor hand surgery removing an infected insect bites but since he was diabetic, the healing process seems to be longer than expected (1 day). Now he will only be released if the wounds will be completely dried. Semoga Allah sembuhkan ayahanda ku dan ampun dosa-dosanya. sobssss...

i, as well as all my family members are so not used with him getting sick, let alone being hospitalized like this (this would be his second time) because he is that super-healthy dad image, always there caring for my mom the hospital-is-my-second-home image (yes, mom always been the frequent visitor /residents in hospitals) - it is so different at my parents' home without his jovial acts - menyakat anak aku , anak aku pun macam rasa lain Atuk takde - asyik cari-cari mana Atuk kat rumah :((

Ayah, an sayang ayah just so you know in case you don't. (am all teary eyes now...gotta go)

Biting My Own Words

2011-11-07T09:37:00.000-08:00

Ok Dalam bahasa Melayu kiranya, terlajak perahu boleh diundur, terlajak kata?? Agak buruk padahnya.

#Terlajak kata 1 aka regrets #1

Besta MD221 electronic dictionary: see post

OK so i wrote and praising the jolly-goodness of how it is to have a besta electronic dictionary. Now a few days later, I'm retracting whatever i may praised about the product. It ain't living up to my expectations and most importantly needs as a postgrad student. It lacks explanations and vocabulary needing to be a postgrad student's standard. But who was i kidding? From the packaging i knew it was meant for school children (note: a picture of a school kid smiling ear to ear with the gadget, don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure that out, no?)

So, i would like to sell it to those in need. Bought at discounted price of RM199 (NP: RM368), and am selling it now at an open price of RM179? (come on, it still practically a brand new stuff with 1 year warranty, no scratch, batt still at its optimum) :) really would recommend for school kids.

#2 Terlajak kata 2 aka regrets #2

Shoes! Ever since i sprained my ankle whilst eagerly strolling for a Jusco's members sale day as a heavily pregnant woman (was 8 months pregnant) ; gone were the days of me strutting with 2.5-5 inches of stilettos, wedges. Also, that injury caused me an 'upgrade' of shoe brands. No more cheap stuffs (yet adorable) brands that goes on sales like everyday. From that day on, I could only find comfort with brands like Hush Puppies ( in fact i was a puppies' loyalist since)

However, most of the shoes that i bought even puppies one, i could only wear 'em for a few months, some just a few weeks. Most of the time, i can't seem to work my way out with the shoes - often it 'kills' my chubby toes that was in fact getting chubbier than it ever been. As such, the shoes some even 1 week old - often given away (with a heavy heart though lol)

So, i would mostly wear a slippers - flat and extremely comfy although it will make me looks sloppy and very informal for office wears etc. And not to mention, exposed my ugly chubby toes for the world to see. (note: me toes's ugliness largely attributed to those wrong shoes i wore since my ankle mishap in 2008)

AND so the search for the 'best shoes' were on and still is.

UNTIL just few months back - i thought well since 2008 my feet has been put 'off-duty' for stilettos and the likes - so, maybe, maybe it is healed. Hence, for Eid, i bought a 3 inch pumps from Charles & Keith ; a brand quite moderately more expensive than say Vincci etc. Everything starts from RM100. So this pumps i had was priced RM159 - OK for me within my price range of my affordable shoes lists.

BUT that too only had me wearing for less than a week and i surrender , left it in the trunk ever since Eid. WHY? that shoes bit me toes to pieces! LOL.

Determination intact - i still search for that one true shoes that would fit me (ala cinderalla fairy tales pula kan? lol)

YES, and just like in fairy tales - i bought a slightly expensive shoes (according to my price range of what constitutes 'expensive') a Clarks.

Just like a love story - i found a shoes that fit me, comfy and friendly to my toes. Price was RM310. No discounts (Clarks never had any sales - only 'bestbuys' to finish their stocks)

Despite the price and against my histories of 'disappointments' with shoes - i bought it.

-------------------------------------RESULT: am still frustrated, am giving up the 'faith' for my Clarks Mary Jane styled shoes because it made my toes beyond ugliness especially both sides of my fifth, smallest toes! The shoes brutally whacked it beyond its normal state. *Sobs*

NOW it looks like as if it has gangrene - slowly 'dying' on me.

Oh, good shoes, the perfect shoes, the most comfy shoes, how do i find thee? NEED intervention or else i am left with no choice but sloppy slippers.

Of sore throat and motivation 'killed' by lousy net connections

2011-11-05T12:21:00.000-07:00

Since quitting job at that forsaken place, i have been very determine to pull the extra hours to have a miracalous catch-up with me writings only to find that all those time i have the drive to write/research at home - spoilt by the extremely lousy internet connection by streamyx.

It has been 2 weeks since me left that job and i have been 'progressing' nothing more than a few more (relevant) articles retrieved, thanks to a certain soul at me now ex-office.

So was very motivated with that (though i know i must finish at least 3 chapters by now if i ever want a chance to extend my scholarship..but you know i don't even hope for the allowances to be extended - at least, hoping to be given the time to finish (grace periods) for a few more months).

BUT, really ..on/off connections, websites can't be found etc whenever i log on the home pc is total turn-offs! Not to mention, makes me raving mad and literally on the verge of vandalising my own pc (that is only less than 2 years old)

I am mad. I hate it. I hate this place. Now eversince i got married and moved in my hubs home; we have tried from digi (it was horrible, had to literally hold that modem with one hand and hoover it arounds for signal while another hand types), then we got Maxis broadband (the most expensive package - still it was equally disappointing), the we tried Celcom (courtesy of my younger sis - same result!) and now streamyx with so-called 1.0MBps speed.......but it equally sucks, and it sucks big time!

i was a loyal streamyx user during my bachelor years at me mom's place in kelana jaya - we used tm almost 10 years - it was the medium package but due to my parents house's location - we enjoyed full speed with medium price.

Not only that, whenever we had problems with the line, the customer service was prompt in helping us out. BUT here, at this neighbourhood, the disconnections are more than the connections and help both via phone and physical customer care - disappointing.

Not that i am paying for the bills but because i rely so much on internet for my writing ( i am writing about blogs for god's sake!) it is imperative i have the web connections up and running especiall at home now that i am not working and have no maid and my child is diagnosed with bronchopneumonia - means no chance for nurseries etc.

with all that, i can only (most of the time) work from home and this lousy services from streamyx is making my life more misreable than it already is.

Not that hubs can't pay for unifi, thing is unifi is still unavailable at my place ..this this 'jin bertendang' place..arrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.

till unifi arrives, only then i'll find salvation and definite civilisation in my neighbourhood (note: the only signs of civilisation so far in this place is KFC!)

OH and today's is AidilAdha. what have i sacrificed? I sacrificed my time and energy in preparing for eid's food for everybody to enjoy (hoepfully they'll enjoy and eat it) as this is my first ever attempt at cooking everything by myself (without my mom's watchful eyes that is) so yeah, am proud. At least i have cooked beef rendang, chicken rendang and peanuts sauce by myself, have you? :)

OH, but not too sure if i can enjoy all of 'em as i am having sore throat, caughs - signs of falling sick but me can't - can't fall sick - lotsa work, i have to be healthy for my kid that is in need of extra care because her immune system is very 'vulnerable' now.

PS: logging in via iphone now there goes my phone bills..must log off now as i will soon be a pauper student cant afford iphone nemore LOL. damn it la.

Between a comedy show and a screwed up glam-all-went-wrong show

2011-11-04T12:13:00.001-07:00

By now i am sure all malaysians that watched last night's dull ASK 2011 performances would be talking about its...dullness. LOL.

and tomorrow's headlines (at least for the said corporation's papers) will gloat on its magical prestigious award show and all the winners..OK nonetheless, i'd still want to congratulate all the winners - like ms yuyu aziz for winning best tv news reporting and of course to the rest of the winners.

Yes, this is a show about appreciating (so-called) those working on/off that glass screen.

However, being so-called a prestigious award show, handled by the so-called prestigious renowned station - last night's ASK 2011 was nothing but a flop.

I think this is where the phrase "action speaks louder than words' comes in handy.

Just look at audiences' faces - all of them was trying their best not to fall asleep or make a poker face - some tried appearing more 'diplomatic' by letting out their 'apologetic small laughs" once in awhile at the equally banal jokes-went-wrong by the hosts.

Ah, the hosts. I don't know. Guess that mr A will get a real hard bashing from now on because from what was written in the paper - it was him that pushed the production team to make his duo - a duo that night.

No doubt mr. A is an excellent compere, renowned, very experienced handling live shows , seasoned staff and if it's not too much, i'm guessing that he's too good of compere that this said station only have him as compere.

Yes in other words they have no options but to feature him on the stage. Crude? Maybe. But here's another of my 2cents - despite all his talents, his nothing but a 're-useable' green bag - convenient, practical you know all that great for savings but lacks in variety. He is so been 'used' too many times, doing too many shows - that people can expect what his 'scripts' would be - all his innuendos, his quirky smiles before a joke - i mean it is so predictable, as if the audiences have grow accustomed to him.

BUT in the end of the day, he is only one man. And although try as he might, he could not salvage all the 'wrongdoings' of that show. He was not the savior. He lost.

Now the other thing that's gonna be talk of the town of how sloppy this show went last night, was the fact of the other host.

YES. so-called malaysian's barbie-doll. OK, yes she is pretty for a 40+ woman. BUT she is wrong from the get-go...where do i even begin...

1) i won't comment about chemistry between the duo - but in terms of visual, the barbie doll already ruined the picture when teaming up with mr. A - for barbie's Mr A is not Ken- short for her.

2) she's not a fluid conversationalist. She was so scripted and it showed.

3) from the make -up, her fake eyelashes, overdone hairdo styled, menopause barbie outfit, overly stiff botox face.....it was just a wrong wrong wrong wrong picture her to be there.

I don't know, i could be going on bashing without end about this said show - luckily i used my liberty as a home viewer - i switched the channel to channel 132.

For the first time since the premier week of Maharaja Lawak Mega (MLM) aired on channel 132 - i actually glad to have that option of spending tv time and have actually enjoyed the performances of MLM contestants.

Now, MLM jokes were really jokes at least even it didn't tickle the audiences, there was a clear effort to entertain the audiences - but ASK? the only thing that definitely made the people laughing is how floppy that show is. the joke is on them for once.

PS: and what is up with all the wannabe Oscars dress-up with all the celebs? THIS IS MALAYSIA, YOU (MOST OF THEM) ARE MUSLIM, this ain't Hollywood nor it is an international award. You guys competing with domestically (and most even just between the in-house productions). Pity all the ladies that have to doll-up for the world to see, and pity for all who enjoyed seeing what they see.

Rainy Malaysia!

2011-11-03T09:51:00.001-07:00

OK, so everybody now are well aware that Malaysia's in its rainy seasons. Now unlike Bangkok, thank god the capital isn't inundated...yet.

For me, i personally like the rainy seasons (minus the possible floods of course) since it will cool down the tropical temperature this country associated for.

I love the smells of rain, i love the sounds of rain, i love the rain.

Not only it will soak ya, but also it is cooling and most of all there is always this odd mellowly feelings that comes with the season - you know almost like what you will feel when it's winter.

People just turn lazy and want to stay home, sips in hot coffee, or in the case of Malays i guess some warm, spicy TomYam for dinner would do the trick.

But what happens to someone that is already a sloth like me? LOL!

Comes this malaysian styled 'winter' - my already lazy nature becomes even more lazy.

There's a simple equation to this.

Rain+ cold+ wet+ mellow = Sleepyheads.

BUT in malaysia, there is one ugliness about this season unfortunately...although this misfortune only applies to ASTRO subscribers....because with RAIN comes DISCONNECTION! and now that it is raining at almost every hour of everyday - the chances of no TV time for users is higher! and what a shame to the service provider despite this disadvantage , we the users are still paying the hefty bills but less services!

nonetheless I still love the rainy seasons. BUT not my daughter because now that she's diagnosed with bronchopneumonia - means we have to pay extra attention to the changes of the weather as she is prone for 'attacks' if the weather gets colder than her body can take. By 'attacks' i mean - coughings, sneezings and possibly fever.

new gadget to motivate me

2011-11-02T02:33:00.001-07:00

quite a happy human being today.

finally, i got myself an electronic dictionary...although not the brand i was hoping for nor it is a known brands for electronic dictionary - instead it is a malaysian made very cheesy looking (seriously it looks like a toy) BESTA MD221.

now this kind of gadget has always been on my wishlists eversince i got my hands tyring on a casio english-japanese one loaned by dear friend sufi when i was in tokyo for benkyo related. from that point on, i was in love with the practicality of owning an electronic gadget.

especially convenient for someone who is not a walking dictionary like me.

but that was way in 2005. eversince me got back, me always on the look out for reasonably priced gadgets of this kind- but never did find- not only it is quite rare in bookshops (except kinokuniya which you can guess the price range), but the brands available are limited. sold here are only 2 types of casio's series and a few less known brand...until about 2-3 years back the rave was on with electronic dictionaries...of course the promotion was all out for a malaysian brand- BESTA.

anywho, like most malaysian products- the price is about the same with that outstanding brands of its kind (note: casio,samsung,sharp) of course i am naming japanese brands as those outstanding ones as they are the inventors of this gadgets (yes,practically every japanese has one electronic dictionary)
o
anyway, only now ...after 6 years and during my last postgrad semester have i got myself one, though only BESTA made but the price i paid for its most basic model was a real bargain- rm199 at popular books as opposed to its normal price rm368. and for that price, i got english-bm-english, idioms,phrases,takwim,chinese vocabs,voice pronounciations and a few other interesting knick-knacks. oh only thing a downer for me- it lacks thesaurus and the explainations automatically translated to the other language; so far example when i search for the word iconoclast- it explains in BM- penentang tradisi/pemusnah berhala...pretty extreme wouldn't you say. but it was a real bargain for what it has to offers..so i am recommending it. total worth the penny (if it's on sale like mine that is) but if it's not, still great if you're desperate for many features in one - if not,i suggest you get what you need like casios/sharps etc; better quality,better vocabs,reliable for learning :)

for now my BESTA will do. :))

Alhamdulillah, Praise Allah..

2011-10-31T03:54:00.000-07:00

My dad gave a 'slap' of reality today.

That I should count myself lucky and be more responsible and honest toward fulfilling my duty as a fully sponsored student and not procrastinate and make excuses (although there are founded reasons - but actually turning those hurdles in life as challenges instead of wallowing in self pity).

As such I made it a point (again) in my life to come to the library everyday to work and not delay anything much more.

NOW this daily library visit as a routine - is something that i have actually enjoyed doing since embarking this academia life of mine; but lately well..for 3 months of constant slacking - this 're-visit' made me reaffirms my 'faith' - that i do belong this way.

THIS IS ME. with my trusted backpack, hours in front of my dedicated laptop, books/journals on the table, do not need to care much about what i wear, what my shoes are, how i styled my hijab - this is MY WORLD - where you are not judge by your physical appearances but only your ideas and minds are your value.

That 1 month of my so-called "comeback" to my old place - made me realized that i have never enjoyed the corporation, reaffirms my stand about their work practices - that unspoken slogan "permata diangkat, kaca biarkan" ("diamonds" indispensable while "glasses" are replaceable) [by diamonds = those good looking people with so-called potential and so-called 'broadcast' type, while glasses = those behind the scenes minions deemed unworthy for airtime and such must remained sidelined] <<---- this unspoken slogan is not something i made of, is not reflection of my opinion rather it is the exact phrase given to me by somebody that holds a higher ranking position in the corporation albeit that person confirmed against his ideals too but have to abide because it is work slogan, you know.

BUT don't get me wrong, my detestation is only against this particular corporation's way of categorizing its human capital, how the discrimination being played out..i am never in any way criticizing the career - for me the media world flows in my veins - it is a passion, an interest that i inherited from my dad that used to work in a radio and tv station. I grow up watching how camera works, lives behind the scene, the scripts, the make-up, the talent scouting, the shots...everything there is to know about broadcasting world - i grew up with that. i enjoyed that. hence the 'ditching' one university in an English Literature course for UiTM for media studies. I spent my early adulthood enriching myself in media studies, i learned to work in graveyard hours during my course of media studies - i breathe and live all things media - editing, sounds, pictures...that is my passion. that is what i enjoyed most and that were the cause that brought me my first job.

For that- all the years in that old place of mine from 2006 - i have nothing but gratitude. I love the people, i love the work loads, i love the challenges, i love the pressures and i have lived it up to it all.

Quitting last 2010 was not an easy decision. I knew at one hand i love everything i wrote in the previous paragraphs , but on the other hand,i have this one major opportunity that doesn't come easily nor cheaply.

That is why, i wanted to 'comeback' to my old self although i never wanted to go back to that old place especially not the 'studio' department - a department deemed worst in terms of workloads,facilities,hours,budget etc. Boy, but i went to it anyways.

And now, i know that i have to make whatever i have at hands to work. THIS, THIS ACADEMIA LIFE gotta work, though sounds very intimidating (i am so freaking out about it really) BUT ALLAH knows best.

Most of the times what we think we would be great at, enjoyed most isn't something necessarily good for us. My 'comeback' is a proof to this. I didn't like one bit. And now i am reassuming my 'role' and routine to the library - i had the relief feeling, coming in to the library, went to check-in for personal study room - i felt as if a boulder have been lifted off my shoulders.

Alhamdulillah, I'm happy. InsyaAllah i will win this fight. I have to be stronger than i have ever been. Allah bless me please, show me the way, guide me for the one true career in my life. Amin.

I have my reasons, i quit!

2011-10-21T09:46:00.002-07:00

one thing for sure, i am quite an indecisive person. also, i am kind of person who cannot lie in a fashion often termed as 'white lies' especially when face-to-face (as such i'd usually would (if needs to be) lie without eye-contact or via the phone or writings.

another thing about me - i have acute migraine this past of late. the headaches are more often, stays longer once it decides to be on me head and aches more severely.

As such, i hate to have things messing me head/mind causing the unnecessary stress.

...i have got so many things already on me plate, equally many shits am going through and have gone through and will go through i reckon, so it is only wiser for me to lessen any possible shits en route my life on becoming a graduate.

BUT i would not lie when i said, me decision of going back to work at me old place although a different department was a HUGE MISTAKE!!

despite my clear conscience and instinct, i'd still went for it only to find i was in a way manipulated by that place from the get-go...

..not only i was asked to work on a terribly short notice, i came in on my so-called first day without having actually agreed to it - was asked to sign in and everything and they didn't show me any contract despite me asking for it..(of course being a jelly-me, i wasn't that firm needless to say)

...i knew in my hearts that they were giving me a LC abbrev. for Legal Contract (more like Lousy Contract or Loser's Contract!) - this people, is the most inhumane not to mentioned illegal by the standards of both International and Local Labour Laws - it denies every bit of benefits and social workers rights & welfare.

.......BUT i'd still keep me fingers crossed you know, hoping that they are not that inhumane as i am not a fresh-grad and have had working (relevant, mind you) experiences to be bullied in such a way......

BOY was i wrong. only on me 4th day i've mustered the courage to asked the person in charge (because i've asked that said person before (much in terms of innuendos - didn't think that person could have been so innocent in innuendos lingo)

ANYWAYS, let's just say, i've had the intention of leaving from the first week already - the mortification, humiliation were intolerable for my taking - everything about it - from the working atmosphere, the facilities, the employment...screams utter degradation.

BUT, i wasn't keen to leave it all just because of that - at least not after what i have 'invested' upon starting the shigoto - the new shoes to so-called befitting of a tv journalist image in accordance to the kashain's standards (if there is any).

SURELY if any of you reading, would think that i am nothing more but a whiner to say such things ..but i bet you'll have a different opinion about me when i say that the place already belittling me right from the interviewing stage :-

humiliation 1) asked to gave copy of effin' SPM results
humiliation 2) one of the interviewer were shocked to his eyeballs to learned that i went to Sri Aman Girls High School - his exact words was "you don't look like one sri amanian gal , you look kampong (village) girl that's what you look like" - and this he kept repeating over and over like in utter disbelief that I never had anywhere else in this world except Petaling Jaya as my home (hence the first humiliation i reckon - you know as proof i was a Sri Aman girl)

.............i mean, have you ever met such shallow minded people like that? since when did it ever matter what high school you went to or whether you're so-called town girl or suburban/village one to get a job? what was worst that interviewer was not so much of a town boy himself - he was from the east coast (reputedly viewed as kampong by malaysian's social standards) and even when he talks, he still wears the village's accent!

At that point, i knew that that place was all wrong for me - really against my gut feelings.

BUT i persevered. I stayed. I am concerned about what little good name i have had in my past experiences relating to that company and of my husband's - as such i wanted to keep that good name...

HOWEVER, like i said - as if everything is set against me - from the get-go, everything doesn't seem to be working out for me....to add insult to injury, the job scope was widen for me - the worst of all -shift hours. something that i never wanted . i mean, this is what i meant by 'manipulated'. if only during the interviewing stage they have told me straight up that i was going to be 'pull' for extra shows including shifts one - i would have make my stand!

you see i was not looking for something of a lifetime ..or maybe if i was, i surely don't want to start all over from scratch at the same company facing the same ridicule that i have survived last 5 years to become what i had left it to be...starting over as if i was a fresh grad was a RIDICULE. i left my position as acting producer en-route of permanent position, a senior in my office - you know i have enjoyed that 'small privileges' - but going back to serve as LC while there is a less experienced chap gotten himself a better employment contract and when asked on what merit he was awarded that...the answer given was clearly an insult to my intellegence - "oh he got that better place (than you) because he has 2 years of experiences (in another station)" : in all civility, i tried calming my raving minds although my mouth wanted to shout back at that person and said in bold sentences " but i have effing 4 years of experiences, why that doesn't count?" - but being me, refusing to stoop down at that person's level of ignorance and stupidity to simple mathematics - i reserved my comment to her nonchalant justification.

OK maybe i was being overly snob? BUT being sidelined and allowing yourself to be sidelined is plain stupid. you sell what you have, and if they're paying a lesser price - you opt to exit and find another buyer.

I knew then i've got to let myself out. BUT everytime i waited, everytime i wasted precious hours and everytime i was the losing party - because i haven't got myself the bloody contract i can't claim my paycheque. SO, i waited for the clearance of my contract , persistently bugging whoever is responsible in the process of me getting my cheque. At the same time, i asked alot of people on their opinon of my situation and surprisingly their answers were unanimous - QUIT.

THEN as if Allah was trying to help me find my way, just as i was 'sinking' myself deeper in the shithole - i got my 'break'. My daughter was sick. She fell ill coincidentally on the week when i was supposed to finish an assigment. I was torned in between marching on or bowing out.

You see i am not the breadwinner of the family. I am a housewife and a mother to a very young toddler. And so, when your little one is sick, i feel it is my dutiful role as the mother to care for my child. Hell with the job. hell with everybody. Because the job do not allow me for MC, Emergency Leave etc. when i needed it most - what choices do i have?? QUIT.

SO after third consecutive days, my child's fever wasn't recovering - in the midst of all that fiasco - I QUIT.

Still mustering the strength i had in me to give it a last go - i actually stayed (overtime) way till midnight despite my daughter's health situation - i stayed for editing, taking in the impossible task, embracing new machines without any crash course to use it - but the facilities were banal to stay the least - tried two rooms and with the help of two person that have more experiences working with the machines - it was futile.

Frustrated, messed up and utterly knackered - i sent home a friend that stayed with me to help with the editing only to find myself took a wrong route back to my place - i was almost lost at the highway and it was past midnight - suddenly i knew that was the answer to my horrible ordeal - QUIT!

I just woke up the next day, looked at my very feverish child, her puppy eyes, her burning body temp , it affirmed my last' previous night omen- I QUIT.

I took in whatever advices that i've collected before - saying it doesn't matter for me to even notify anybody, i could well be MIA and then just be gone with it and don't give a rat's ass about the place anymore...they say just QUIT.

I know if that's the way to be - my name, my good name...whatever ounces left of it - will be tarnished possibly forever...

SO in the midst of me being a worried mom to a sick toddler and being a responsible 'illegal' contractor - chose the former! i chose my daughter!

SO if that is considered a cowardice act - I dont't want to be brave.

If chosing to care for your sick child is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Let me be, and let them tarnish whatever they have of me - my name..but they can't take away my principles, my life, my daughter. I have my reasons, i quit! eat that.

PS: for the record, on the day i chose to quit- my daughter was on her fourth day of high fever and started to cough quite badly..on her sixth day - we took her to hospital and she was warded for bronchopneumonia where she and i stayed for 5 days. My daughter on tons of medicines - puffs/syrups/antibiotics (3days) and were advised to restrict her outdoor activities for she is possible for relapse. I made the right decision to quit.

Exposing Self to the Blogosphere

2011-10-01T11:36:00.000-07:00

After so much self wallowing, i've gotten myself back to the working world at least for awhile (that is the plan) until i can figure out whether i would want to continue on the basis of assuming a lecturing career OR back to sordid self of mere ass-kicking (ass-kicked) worker in the glitz & glam world that is the media industry.

2. Of course me gotta figure out exactly the resources needed for 100k compensation if i choose to adopt the latter option in life.

3. So in that case, there is no option is there. No way am gonna find 100k (and if i do find that much money I'd better spend it on meself-luxuring all things i had wished i have...)

4. OK for now busy-ing self at PWS under a new programme. Quite interesting. Internationally-issues-related kind. Which also means tons of possibilities for overseas work.

5. BUT time is short for me. I got less than 3 months to finish that damn thesis which carry massive 40 credit hours (serves me right...! f***)

6. I want to stay in this lala land forever..LOL.

7. OH, sweetest thing. Daughter started to make a sentences, understandable sentences, phrases. Which is a good start albeit some might say it is quite late for a 2 year old.

8. Either way, she's most adorable now that i love to play 'sulking-face' with her and she would come and console me, hug me and tell me how much she loves me. It is so soothing.

9. OK. suddenly remembered got lots of proposals to make (side jobs) and hate finishing what is pressing that THESIS. i just don't have the mood nemore..now that ISA is about to be abolished and all........freedom of speech so-called will be restored.......yadadadaddadadada.........would there still be any relevance if i stay on my subject of interest? or do i need to have a major restructuring? hatttttttttttttte this part of not knowing what to do..

10. mampuskan la..for now layan utube, layan lagu layan aljazeera listening posts lagi bagus..(^-^)

Quick rambling

2011-09-17T09:50:00.000-07:00

pure neglection to this blog since forever.
OK. so after me shortlived joy of submitting my proposal aka chapter 1 in time and receiving enormous positive feedbacks from the sv, i left it untouched ever since and that peeps was in july.

2. TYPICAL. there was ramadan excuse, and comes after the holy month, there was the Eid excuse. I mean, my work was constantly put on procrastination stage because of so many happenings in my life ( or reasons for the procrastination to take place)

3. So i heard that no sorts of extension will be entertained to any tpm scholars regardless the reasons they may have.

4. Well, i do have my reasons. And not that this news is a surprise to me, i am looking for an extension simply because i wanted to and do not think i could finish within the stipulated time.

5. BUT i won't dare to ask for the allowances to be extended as well. Hence, i have been scouting for jobs since july to have an early start for my own 'loan make-up' or 'rainy days' allocations fund.

6. AND just when i have lost the faith and given, came not one but two offers/openings.

7. THOUGH i dont fancy of going back to my 'old place' cos you know, wanting to have 'change' once awhile thingy; i have a special place in me hearts for that 'old place' you know...quite sentimental.

8. more than sentimental, it is actually, honest to god, CONVENIENT. yes, it is closest to my pad and the fact i've had experiences in the place so i pretty much know the M.O of the job specs.

9. BUT what got me excited was another oppurtunity. ive been a fan. the perks offered wayyyy better, but its location draws a huge setback for me. AND of course, knowing ive known most of the heads in the department from my past acquaintances; it'll only means that i need to 'bring it, or don't bring nothing at all'. you know, cant be screwing me good names ( and hubby's for that matter cos these people are mostly acquainted with the hub)

10. STALL and more stall. for now i will have more on my plates but i reckon it is for good in me life.

11. going back to work would mean: more hectic, more discplined, more stress, more fun and hopefully i can lose some of my troubling 'sloth's weight' accumulated since last year and in between hoped to be able to finish the paper.

12. ive seen some friend's work and i must say that though it seems hefty , most of the efforts been put forth are do-able. they've used largely from online sources without the real need of physically going through the trouble of library hopping and book huntings for hours.

13. alas, perserverance intact i must, strive harder i shall or be denied everything that i ever hoped for in search for a better life (economically).

Summoning the Inner Energy

2011-08-10T13:47:00.001-07:00

OK. why is it when it comes to worldly things or "laro" stuffs we can get easily addicted or even would bust our arses off in accomplishing them out? BUT when it comes to pressing matters like in my case Thesis- i just hate it.

2. Seriously i need divine help. I've been stuck in gear 2 eversince end of June and this ain't good for me.

3. Am doing something about blogosphere because i figured that it'd be easier for me as well i am a blogger myself (OK tau tak hebat pun) but you know, i think i got the basic understanding of what a blog is about ...

4. then infused it with political things (as that is the subject matter that i'm required to do for my scholarship fulfillment)

5. then.........as if that is not enough, i gotta think something to connect the subject of interest (or more like subject of compulsory) to the courses that i've been undergoing..

6. the concoction: i came up with socio-political blogs & national security/political stability.

7. OK. so it is NOT something extraordinary. Probably even too mundane to discuss or finding out to some.

8. MY justification is: go low as this is only partial requirement of my MA in Strategic & Defence Studies..you know in other words; as i've been ranting and raving previously , i am RUNNING out of time as such I AM NOT gonna delve into HUGE IDEAS to save-the-world-mission based issues. that would be disastrous for me.

9. BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT just as i thought i've got everything covered, in fact was so euphoric that after my proposal's submission, i've got great reviews and a good-to-go signal from the SV without much adjustments- but yes, how me joy is shortlived.

10. thought i was going to make things easier for me, but SV asked to review 15 blogs in a span of 2 years! (i've iniatially proposed for 10 blogs in a year period)

11. NOW PROBLEM is what constitutes a blog to be anti-government, pro-government or the most difficult of all and causing me the halt = how to define a NEUTRAL stance bloggers to the establishment??????????

12. until i get this figured out, i am stuck in gear 2 forever.

13. hellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllp

Namakemono Desu

2011-08-02T11:11:00.001-07:00

Salam.

"namakemono" tiada kaitan dengan perihal nama. Adapun "namakemono" bahasa jepun yang bermaksud "suka tangguh kerja" atau dalam bahasa inggeris "procrastinator".

2. Aku mendapat jolokan itu daripada pensyarah jepun aku ketika di Universiti Bunkyo Gakuin, Tokyo suatu ketika dahulu.

3. Tiada gambaran yang lebih tepat untuk menterjemahkan keadaan aku sekarang yang semakin lama semakin "lemas" dalam keserabutan untuk menyiapkan penulisan tesis aku yang sudah tersangkut, terperuk untuk beberapa minggu setelah meraikan 'kegembiraan' menyiapkan satu bahagian dalam masa kurang sebulan.

4. Masa, masa itu "musuh' aku sekarang. Anak, perihal keibuan dan segala macam yang bersangkut paut tentang keluarga itu cabaran terhebat aku dalam menyiapkan kerja yang satu ini.

5. DAN, wang, wang biasiswa aku yang akan 'tamat tempoh' hujung tahun ini - penentu 'kestabilan' yang aku ada sekarang dan status quo itu bisa berubah sekiranya aku tidak berjaya menyelesaikan segala urusan dalam tempoh yang ditetapkan.

6. AKU bukan wanita super, mahu bukan 'SuperMak' seperti watak Nasha Aziz dalam satu sinetron baru di tv.

7. AKU ingin jadi wanita super ketika ini.

8. TAPI setiap kali aku cuba bangkit dan berada dalam 'zon' penulisan aku, aku akan selalu 'diganggu' dengan perihal membabitkan tanggungjawab aku sebagai ibu.

9. YA, anak aku masih kecil, bukan boleh aku kata 'tidak' kepadanya. Bukan boleh aku tinggalkannya, biarkannya, tidak endahkan kemahuannya.

10. AKU tak berdaya. AKU cuba. AKU sudah cuba...

11. JADI, untuk tidak 'merosakkan' pemikiran aku tentang keserabutan aku ini, aku hanya akan berserah kepada yang MAHA ESA, aku sudah cuba, aku buat apa yang termampu dan aku akan terus usaha sehingga usai semuanya.

12. Oleh itu, sebagai 'jaring keselamatan' untuk perihak kewangan, fokus aku kini untuk mencari pekerjaan bagi 'menampung' kehidupan aku pasca-biasiswa sementara aku akan cuba habiskan sisa-sisa penulisan dalam satu tempoh yang aku lihat setidak-tidaknya sehingga Mac 2012.

Taking the cue from TS Sanusi Junid

2011-07-02T12:32:00.000-07:00

salam..let's take the cue from TS Sanusi Junid regarding the good & bad as well as the ugly sides of demostration in this country. I could not agree more with him..unless you people fancy having tear gas sprayed onto your face (i know it, when i covered hindraf rally a few years back..and it ain't fun people..) or you have 'chaos' as your middle name..so fine, go and tear the country down with your very dirty political motivated demos..

here's the url add for TS Sanusi Junid's entry ...http://sanusijunid.blogspot.com/2011/07/bersih-yang-boleh-mengotorkan.html#more (for some reason unknown i cannot insert the link)

Oh cuaca yg panas..bikin kapla pusing

2011-07-01T01:33:00.000-07:00

Salam.
OK. Dont mean to whine..it's just that i think wht i am about rant is so typical of me as a human being..always easy to feel dissatisfied abt things.....anything.

So malaysia is a tropical country with it u there's the 24/7 summer..or 24/7 rainy days. Is it just me or the weather do gets warmer these days..extreme heat almost 33 degree celcius..or 37 on somedays..i mean that is super hot..and not in a sexy way hot. lol.

Bila panas kebelakangan ini aku akan sakit kepala yg teruk so much so my migrane becoming so bad and severe these days that i had to be jab with painkiller whenever i got the attacks..and somtimes it wasnt caused by stress..

Kalau kena kat anak aku plak lagi kesian..dahla jenis cpt peluh..so kalau cuaca panas ni lagilah..i mean she even sweat profusely when making her poo poo hehe..terlebih sihat..

And oh, today after jummat prayer, me father handed me over a piece of paper- a flyer about ambiga. He said he got that in the masjid. I went through the stuffs written on it and just to be clear- it has nothing good to say to tht ex-bar council president.

Just like the rest of the masses i am not too sure of what to think..again the content of that flyer are provocatively based on race and religion. And the figure it was referring to..i mean she's not a muslim nor malay..so circulating a flyer after jummat congregation is no doubt with one intention in mind- to warn the muslims and malay..

ok..so yeah some of the issues raised does have concern..if it's true i find it appaling a non-muslim dare question the syariah law..even i as muslim , we dont speak ill of it..because if u do, u are questioning Allah..even more ridiculous, the one who's questioning have no understanding about the deen.

But tht is not their fault (non-muslim) if they feel dubious towards the teachings of islam..because they arent educated in the subject and misinformed with so many religious pundits/ politicians wannabe..in this light i totally agree with the concept of secularism as practiced in turkey..where they separate religion and politics - doesnt matter wht religion..hve to be separated with politics..especially in a multi racial country like ours.

Mmm ok enuff rambling..the heat is getting on my head ..i feel so like taking my shirts off and take a dip in a ice cold water..and oh it's my 1st post via iphone..i knw so outdated

Am so over Yellow..now am Green with envy

2011-06-30T10:10:00.000-07:00

YES. am going to rant about colors now. Under the circumstances, i think yellow is the most talked about color of the month for Malaysia..and just like many others, i think it is apt that i title my entry with something provocative such as yellow...(sniffs)

2. Yellow is never my thing, be it on t-shirts, scarfs, tudung..anything. (no pun intended). I am more of a pink, or different shades of blue..and even black (for the slimming-down-effect look), white (for i am so pure & clean intention look) & silver (you know, they dub it the new black..so yeah i put this color on for the trying to keep up with the trend look)...you know that's pretty much the color scheme I'd choose from depending on the mood.

3. BUT today i cannot help but to feel a little green....no, not green as in recycle go-green campaign and not even green as in green and the logo of a moon green (if you know what i mean hehe) BUT today, i am feeling a wee bit of a monstrous Hulk, Frankenstein type of green....the type that is green with envy. the evil eye green...

4. YES. my emotions as for now is very..unstable. It become that way after browsing an old acquaintance's blog. I see that she is now starting a new life in a place that is a dear to my heart and is one of the top few places in this world i wish i can be staying....

5. NO, do not get me wrong. It is not that i am not feeling happy for her. Great for her, really. After spending 1 year in Japan, 3 years in Holland and now she's back to Japan for another 3 years (perhaps). And not to mention, doing thing that I too imagine myself doing that is to undergo post-grad studies.

6. I am envious at how people like her get to be where they are today. Get to live that dreams of theirs. I know there's the 'fate' talk or 'qada & qadar' equivalence, BUT there's got to be a 'methodological approach' to their successes, is there not?

7. I mean, how is it that there's people who seems to be living out life on Aces? String of good luck. As if they are meant to be enjoying this life without worrying too much of getting hurt from dreaming too much of life.

8. In relation to my friend's case mentioned above, she got to study under a scholarship scheme that is about the same as mine. OF course, the only difference is, she is doing it all in overseas institutions.

9. YES for that i envy her. Could it be that she gotten the right scheme? I had the same opportunity to be just like her, been offered the same thing from the same university as her 3 years ago, but i let down the offer because even though i knew there's a higher chances of me studying abroad if i take that offer because that particular uni is a new uni so they're allocating a big sum of money to trained their future employees..BUT i let it down still because the uni is in the east coast of this country..and the fact i am offered a course on industrial art-communication related thingy...just was not my thing.

10. SO i gave that one up, just as i gave up another offer that was soon to follow that one a few months later...a job at a uni (non-academic post) but with some relation to my background studies and job experience and best of all the benefits it had to offer to me was really interesting.

11. AGAIN, i let that one go, because i was heavily pregnant then, and the taught of embarking a new career that is in the heart of the country and having to take the LRT for it, was not convincing enough for my husband's approval.

12. SO there i was probably a loser, a stupid sore loser for giving up 2 lifetime opportunities.

13. UNTIL......after the birth of my baby girl- came the break i have been longing for.

14. IT was perfect - the post is of dream, the course is something i have experience with, the uni was my second home for the first 5 years of my adulthood..i mean what else could i be asking for....except...when the letter came, it stated "LOCAL".

15. BUMMER indeed. "LOCAL" as in local university was the choice given to me for my Master/PhD. All that dreams just crashed...........

16. THEN, in between hopes crashing/still hopeful and keeping a job that i was already climbing back on the ladder of success (another thing i was dreaming to have ever since i started the job) - i knew i had to make a choice.

17. AFTER much contemplation......although never a 200% sure - I tendered my resignation. MY dear chief was shocked though he knew something like that would be coming out from me, another chief in another department was also surprised at my decision (as he did help the process of 'climbing-up-the-ladder-of-success' thingy)..heck, i even surprised myself!

18. SO that was it. It's almost 2 years now.. i have given up a job that i love so tenderly and enjoyed doing (really i do, despite the long, unpredictable hours) all in pursuit of happiness of a new, hopefully more promising career in academia and if Allah permits, a chance of doing the post-grad overseas.

19. Question now, I did what is needed to be done...BUT that one shot at MA overseas, I did not get it, but others did. WHAT did they do for them to get what they are doing now? HOW was the selection on who gets to go overseas who does not, was carried out?

20. AGAIN do not get me wrong, not that i am not over the fact i am still stuck here while some of me friends are not, enjoying the fresher breeze of air.

21. I am so over MA melancholies.

22. NEXT question : HOW do I get myself to the places i dream of being for the next level of my study despite everything..? CAN i not carry on with this offer to continue my studies for phD in malaysia and hope that i can have a second chance when i am a staff under a different scheme? WHAT is there that should be done in my part to realize this little dream of mine?

23. BIGGER question : AM I ON A WRONG CAREER PATH ALTOGETHER???? Because at this point it seems all the odds are against me...everything did not go well from day 1 when i enrolled my MA in UM.....is that the reason why i am not getting what i wish i am getting in this scheme i have been longing for since i finished my degree in broadcasting in 2006? AM I ON A TRACK TO SELF-DESTRUCTION and would end up as an overweight, home-cracker??(as opposed to homemaker...i am so not that type)

24. O Allah O Mighty...Please show me the way. WILL THERE BE A RAINBOW AT THE END OF THIS DREADFUL STORM?

25. FOR now, have to, must be putting my positivity cap on..for I have only 6 months to go and in my current department records there has never been a successful MA candidate that finishes within less than a year...SO unprecedented it is deem impossible target to achieve....

ps: janna...yeap this post was referring to you albeit you're not the only one on my envy list for now..but yeah, i stumble upon your blog and it caused me this mood swing of self-pithiness and biting reality check on my life's sordidness. HOWEVER fret not, am still sane and below suicidal....LOL.

Malaysians Should Thank Anwar Ibrahim..

2011-06-28T11:36:00.001-07:00

Salam. Shocking. Yes, I know..the title can be quite controversial..but I cannot help but to think about this one man and all the fuss that is around him. Yes, Malaysians favorite color now is Yellow. .....And it's all yellow, mellow..do not follow yo..LOL.

2. Apart from the infamous grainy black and white 20 something minutes of video..and the whole Ally McBeal court case drama from back in Sodomy I and Sodomy II, Datuk T Trios, Orange Book, 16
th September and now Yellow Tee Campaign..this tough guy does deserve a thank you from us all if anything..

3. Yes. If anything, Anwar Ibrahim should be commanded only because it was him (more like the incident that happened to him) that drove Malaysians toward a better sense of what politics is, the already politicians got revitalized from the comatose state they were in, many students aspire to be politicians, hundreds more likened themselves as political pundits...all inspired someway or another by this whole drama that many institutions set up new course or reformed existing related studies with that of strategic, defense, IR and the list of nomenclature continues..all but to learn, understand, embrace this uncharted waters of the nations politics's shift..or to the advocates of this guy what they term as "reformation".

4. Was I a fan? Not really, no..heheh but i vividly recall that time when he was sacked, I was in form 4 in a now one of the best cluster schools in the country. I, just as hundreds of thousands of people in the country was shocked, confused, angered by the incident.

5. And then I remembered going to school the next day, everybody in my class was rooting for this guy. Everybody was sympathizing him. Of course I do not think that my classmates back then figured this on their own, i mean we were just bunch of 16 years old high school kids...who had ever cared about the politics?? And i remembered because i was against this guy, that almost all that was in his 'fanclub' in my class do not want to talk with me for awhile especially when they would gathered and update their thoughts about the issue and if i ever wanted to joined them, they'd be like silence and ignored me until i go away..of course not all of my classmates back then was his supporter there are others that could be categorized as 'fence-sitters' Lol.

6. I for sure cared right about the incident of 1998. But i was the only one that was not on the same page as any of my classmates. Being a Dr. M' gen X..of course I could not believe all the accusations that this guy was throwing down Malaysians' throats.

7. So, the rage begins. The 'tsunami' effect took over...the 'change' movement gained momentum...and along the way right about the 'black eyed' incident, I was a 'convert' to this guy's camp. Yes, to me the notion that he was the victim sound just about right.

8. Fast-forward....we are seeing the whole scripts being played out all over again.

9. AM i still a fan? NO. I mean I hell do not know for sure that did he do what they say he did you know....the all..ummmmm X-rated actions and i do not want to delve in the subject.

10. WHY? you see...fast-forward from circa 1998 ...i'd like to see that i am more learned person now...i have enlightened myself with knowledge...LOL! OK sounds a bit pompous don't i? Simpler term= i've grown from 16 to almost 30...so yeah, pretty much have a sounder, more reasonable , rational functioning brain to see that all this politicking that this guy and his compatriots are doing is doing nothing much BUT to break the country more, especially the Malays.

11. WAITTTT....don't dare to talk about race, it is Malaysia, 1Malaysia..we are 1 country. OK so yeah, that is the aspirations, the utopian theme..but it is still far-fetched if you ask me.

12. Because Race is always the issue. Religion is always the issue. However, to me...do we need to make this guy's dream to Putrajaya the issue still? Does he really matters? Is he the new religion that everybody has to profess if not we are damned and to hell we go??

13. Nay people! He is just a guy, a political motivated with self-interest to win over Putrajaya guy....and this applies to everyone in the opposition.

14. Wait. Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that the government is without faults here, and the opposition is the way to go.

15. I am saying that, even if you 'X' the opposition, they are not going to make things right. Why? because they are a loose corporation. It is a fact that PKR is all about a man's dream to becoming the Premier of this country, it is a fact that the Rockets are about advancing secularism and championing one ethnicity (but no, they are not racist right? ;D ) ...and the other one...well, i reserved my comment for that one because i think the aspirations are true and good just perhaps ditched the Islamic extremism features if you want to get a national support (of course very unlikely because Malaysians are still very concerned with race and religion!)

16. One thing for sure, I find it is ridiculous for people to take to the streets and vent out their dissidents to the government. Yellow, Purple, White, Clean or NOT - demonstration is not the way to go. We are over barbarian era - diplomacy is the way, and if you really hate the current party then take it to the ballots and vent there!

17. Even more saddening, i foresee that the main quarters that will be the 'pencacai' are mostly Malays youngster, blinded by the name of democracy march or the Anwar's our new God beliefs...and while you are at it, the Indians too. BUT, we won't see the Chinese- except maybe a few of those familiar faces. BUT, the Chinese are smarts not to take to the streets and joined this so-called cause for a change!

18. So, you do not have to be a rocket scientist to see who's playing who in this game..and who's game of politics this really is....the Chinese - DAP. they are the mastermind in the opposition. OH wait, i'd be called a racist for this.

19. BUT tell me, who is controlling the economy?? Tell me, ask anybody who is not chinese, to take a walk in Sunway Pyramid Mall and try their luck at a simple job , no-brainer task such as a salesperson - you will find that most, MOST of the shops there unashamedly post a disclaimer of their vacancy banner with "ONLY CHINESE PREFERRED!" ( i know this, because i have tried scouting for part-time job not once, but thrice there..so tell me who is the kiasu race??) so who are the racist group here? Tell me, when dealing with these chinese traders or business even if it means simple ordinary thing like electrical services - they (Chinese) have different rates imposed with other race group than theirs that are mostly cheaper, so who is the racist ones here?? Tell me, what other democratic country in this world that permits vernacular school system than Malaysia? When the government wanted to take that away, those people rant and rave on the basis of preserving their cultural identity...what bull is that if not about race and yet we are still the one called racist??

20. and what is this talk about relinquishing the Malay Supremacy?? Even in the states that is dubbed as heart of democracy- they have the White Supremacy too. Look at Japan, though i know slightly different case cause they are of one racial country - but the point is anyone who is not Japanese no matter how fluent your nihongo is, how excellent your nihon-no lifestyle practices are - you are still called a "Gaijin" and that means Alien people. Why? to differentiate them from others.

21. RACE does matter. RELIGION too. and in this country that is a melting pot of racial mix and religion, it is a bogey for racial tension. THAT IS THE FACT. Malays are the dominant. Malays and the indigenous people are the Bumiputra. We were here first. If this land is taken away from us, where are we to go?? BUT the other ethnicity, they have the mainland china and india for back-up and please don't be a hypocrite- most of them still regards themselves as part of their motherland.

22. Go back to the history of this country. Research and learn the constitution. Heed the advices of those who are learned in the subject of social contract such as renowned Prof. Tan Sri Dr Khoo Kay Khim.

23. I think, the government should introduced political science and law a compulsory subjects to pass SPM just as history subject. Because this three strings of subject make the perfect combo for enlightenment to our younger generation and not make them astray as blinded political followers.

24. Also, perhaps it is time for us if we really wants national integration to take place, then the ministry under DS Shahrizat should come up with an advocacy campaign that reads "LET'S HAVE INTER-RACE MARRIAGE" or while you are at it make it even more global - "Marry Me Malaysians" - so that we can produce a generation of mix-blood, mix-raced and when it's time for them to tick the box in filling up any registration form in this country, they have to tick all the boxes...now that's what we call 1Malaysia ..:)

25. Alas, be a rational citizen- don't be persuaded with ill-politicking and take it to the streets to prove a point, and yes Anwar Ibrahim ought to be thank for nothing but creating political awareness to our people albeit that does not make him the only reason we should be liberated for he is not God or even a God's gift like what his wife wants us to believe. And the government too has a role to play- get rid of those flimsy good for nothing type of politicians that are only in for the lights, cameras and most of all MOOLAH..but ain't doing much for the betterment of their own people.

A mummy's worry and being selfish prick

2011-06-10T11:52:00.000-07:00

So the month of June is slowly inching its way to midway...and before we know it, hello July! And then Ramadan, Eid ...and the cycle goes again and again..and then, there comes the NEW YEAR! and ouch, next year i'll enter the 3-series age group. yikes.

Again, whenever i re-read my entries, could not help but to think, why o why i keep procrastinate things that i ought to do..things that should be on my priority lists...you know like studying.Pronto! but did i do it? No. Well, not exactly no...a half no that is.

As a student mummy, i could not help but to think about my child first. OK so any mother would do that right..i guess it is the mummy nature to behave that way. Sure, i am not that superwoman-mummy that does everrrrything on every single day -like cooking superb meals, cleaning the house spanking shiny or even buy everything that a child needs - except her basic needs of course...but i do try to be one.

I perfectly realise and fully aware that my first obstacles for achieving my goal before this year ends, is finding my child a suitable if not perfect nursery or caretaker for that matter. and yes, i kept writing about that concern ever since day one...

I have tried. really i do. BUT everytime i am exhausted and giving up and ready to just chuck away kid the next day and so called promised myself that i will do just that and be 'selfish' in order to finish my very much delayed work=i backed out from my plan. because, there will always be wrenching stories about careless childcare centres that causes little kids their souls.

so we heard stories about infants choked to death after a meal/milk..but very rare do we hear about toddler's death right about a few weeks ago in Penang. I, as one worrying and very concern and desperate parent who is contemplating about sending my own kid to a nursery would rather be in denial and try not to read such depressing stories that could easily de-motivate me sending my kids to nursery plan..besides i figured most wrenching stories involves little babies that unfortunately was not properly taken care of by their caretakers after their feed hence causes the death like choking (note: that is why babies needed to be properly burped to ensure they don't choke even after what seem minute, harmless feed of 2 oz of milk)

BUT, last few weeks about the death of a 2 year old girl who had drowned in a water basin - send me the shivers. Why? Because my daughter is 2 year old, she is also a girl and she is very active and very fond of playing with water. Of course drowning in a water basin is one of my biggest fear towards my kid.. that poor kid's fate really made me think twice of ever sending my kid to nurseries especially with the kinds that i have running in my neighbourhood - none of them are registered under the ministry of women affairs...NONE!

so i thought, next option is to find her a good, reliable nanny that operates their own kind of 'home-nursery' you know the kind that take in less than 5 kids at one time. i found one, which was introduced by my next door neighbour who had been sending her own infant there. So i checked out this nanny who lives like a few houses from mine on a different alley than me.

At first , i find her quite amusing, good-hearted homemaker that wanted to make extra cash with nannying other people's kid not because of she wants to be a few dough richer- but according to her, because she loves kids. and being a young mum of 4 kids - i trust her. to top it off, she is also a sewer - you know that perfect ms housewife like Bree in Desperate Housewives. But after spending an hour chatting about our kids - i sensed that she perhaps will not be that extra careful kind of nanny although she said her husband keeps reminding her to be one.

Why i say so? i might be wrong...but call this a mummy's hunch or something..because everytime i mentioned about my kid hyper-activeness (who was running around her house when we were talking most of the time) and especially how she loves staircases which i then explained to her the reasons i installed baby-gates on my staircase - she shrugs at that fact and said........

"oh , not me..i would not make my kids be trapped like in a zoo" then i said, " oh no, although that may sound inhumane and de-generates her development progress as a child that needs to enrich herself in climbing etc- those gates meant for security purposes, i don't want her to miss a step and fall flat on her face" - she laughs at me and said that is so typical of my as a first time mummy- too protective of her kid!

i let her have that i thought. in my mind i agree with her, but i kept my stand that i knew it is for my kid's own good and safety.

then....another safety-issue-alarm triggers. at this point, my daughter already tried to ventured out from the house and was attracted to her finely cut grass lawn and being a concern mum i warned my kid not to. and to this the nanny again laughs at me........

"ooh come one, it is OK. let the kid play"

i replied, "but it is still hot, and she is still not well and we are both in the house need to keep an eye to her because she can be very adventurous"

again she shrugs me off and laughs...and the alarm bell rings for me when she said....

......"ah, but i won't stop her, in fact whenever i have kids to take care, i'd usually just let the kids play outside by themselves - they need that - they're kids afterall..i would just let them be"...

------------------and just when i thought she was finished mocking my parenting skills or lack of, she continued ..."u know u are so typical, i totally understands that, i was just like you when i had my first child, i was so protective, could not let a single scar on their skin..but then, number 2 comes along, and then number 3...soon i realised i am just tired to be that protective and let loose of myself and let the kids be.." again she let go of small doses but quite proud laughs after that comment. .......

i was like...wtf? exactly my point there....so it is OK for you to be extra careful with your first born, but not me? it is because you have now more than one kid, you could not care less about them and just let them run free, i should follow your style of parenting? so, what will the deal be when now you are dealing with more than one kid to take care whose not yours? will you have the same concern?Kids need supervision. yes let them play. yes let them climb. BUT let them do all that under supervision, under attending eyes...but i wonder if this nanny will ever be that because she have 2 little infants to take care as well as 4 (if includes my daughter) toddler...so i am guessing- no way she have double sets of eyes to watch over helpless infants as well as super-active -exploring age phase toddlers....to do all the supervision by herself...very unlikely.

---------------------------i think i have my answer to that....so with that witnessed, i asked my leave and took my kid with me and so called promise the nanny (halfheartedly) that i'll be calling her if i want to send my kid over...................of course i never did ...not to this day.

==================so am i an overly worried mummy that prefers to take care of my kid myself or should i just be a selfish prick and let others take care of my child while i get my bum to work and hopefully finish my thesis in the miraculous period of time that is less than a year??? O Allah Almighty , show me the way....make this easier for me to take...i have been procrastinating the job not because i love to, but i was all this while not being a selfish prick mom - of course this has causes me the stall in my work, but does this mean i need to be selfish for me to finish the work??? i don't want to be selfish, just need to find a good, reliable help for now. O Allah help me................:((

Irony, Agony and Mo-money?

2011-05-17T11:19:00.000-07:00

As always..this blog has been left to "dust" for quite awhile now. Yes, i know this so much reflects on my personality in a way that is- a slacker..no? procrastinator? Every night before i go to bed, i would always have a 'replay' of some sort of my life, as well as 'forecast' of it. you know the aspirations, inspirations and yes, the regrets.

Simply put, my life is not that interesting anyway for me to keep updating this blog for the world to see ( as if that is the case - note: the world to see). BUT again, who cares if there is no one else but me reading this blog, it is after all intended for my view, recollections & self-gratification (note: narcissistic)

Ah, well. Life is pretty mundane and very um..routinic. And no, not for my benefits, rather is all about my daughter's life now. I live and breath Nur Raihanna Iman , that soon to turn 2 next month! I wake up by her side (most of the time, as i have been sleeping on the couch lately due to my 'stubbornness' to have some "me time" a.k.a. catching on repeat shows such as Masterchef (and Jr series too), American Next Top Model, Fashion Police, E-True Hollywood Story, The Family Guy (yes me love it) ..oh well basically everrrything on the E channel makes it to my daily 'graveyard hours' tuning.

Yes sordid, when i should have spent those quality times (i assume it is my standard of 'quality' time as i am very much 'active' during those hours- heck i could (and have been doing so) do labour intensive cleaning chores at that time.

Why am i such a "nocturnal" type? I pretty much 'blame' that trait to all those years enriching and learning about worldy theories of mass communication & media related studies years. Yes, i started to 'learned' doing stay-ups a.k.a. burning midnight oil during my undergrad years as mass communication student.

That aside, i reckon i just have to be at least a little 'selfish' to have a few 4 hours of pure self-absorption in front of the telly with no distraction from my little daughter.

Am i selfish for that? I think not, considering the rest of the hours of the day i spend it on my little girl and had to sacrifice my own priority at this point in my life which is - PROGRESSING ON MY THESIS!

Whenever i think of this, i could not help but to reminisce the experiences that my siblings (especially the sisters) in relation to having help for caring their kid in the crucial first 3 years of their kids' life. They all had one thing in common- our parents 'intervention' and first class help!

Yes, i cringe on the fact that i could not have that 'luxury' with my parents though i still 'help' them regardless in terms of committing myself for monthly 'monetary contribution'.

Of course they aforementioned would never agree with me that they had the easy way out on this matter. Instead they would probably said "where got that much help?" or "no i have never done so.." etc. Well there are many pictures for evidence to dismiss their claim i'd say or even more credible evidences- our parents' testimonies that they were the one who had or 'asked' to 'intervened' for their grandchild upbringing.

Ah well, i guess i am just unlucky. Just as i was 'unlucky' to miss out on big bonuses that my ex-company had to offer this year (note: left the job last year).

BUT one bird said to me once, you must always count your blessings. In that light, with everything that i seem to be 'missing out', i am gaining others. Gain 1) chance of furthering my postgrad studies -sponsored, gain 2) in relation to gain 1, i will (insyaAllah) hope to have a lecturing career, gain 3) as i am technically 'jobless', i got more time with my daughter and as mentioned above, with my parents unable to 'intervene' - i have myself to rely on regarding caring and nursing for my kid, gain 4 and encounting) up to Allah's discretion.....

for that i shall scribble on with my 'gains' progresses:-

A) Daughter
Inching her way to year 2 mark, of course i am all excited as to what will be the perfect way to celebrate her upcoming birthday. For last year, we had a small but merry 'kenduri' / party- started it off with praises to Allah and duas, eat lunch and little 'fun time' involving family members and the birthday girl. So this year, naturally, i am wishing to give my beloved daughter something more interesting for her to enjoy. Of course, if only money is of no obstacle to me, i'd give the worldly birthday bash for her, but since it is not- little budgeting will have to do and that cuts down the options for a few mediocre, typical fast-food joints foods for her OR scout for value for money type of playgyms (since One Utama's kids zone is temporarily out of operation) OR back to the safest bet of all- homemade birthday bash (only issue with this, we cannot have it done at mom's kelana jaya home anymore as it is not mom's anymore...:((....i mean for now though mom still lives there but under the circumstances it would feel so awkward and ironic to have a party that we all know have solemn feel to underneath it all, which will leave me with having it at our own home in saujana utama - which means it is far from most acquaintances/friends that the possibilities of any guests showing themselves will be greatly reduced to ..none! )

B) MA student's life
So as scheduled, i have finished all my coursework subjects. ( all 5 of them ) now awaiting for the results *coughs* which i reckon not will be what i dreamed off, but hopefully sufficient to get me pass the coursework hurdles (Amen). If that does not happen, i am really lost as to what will i have to do next. :(( although the semester this year been re-scheduled ( postgrad now enjoys a long 5 months of break!! ) i do not think my scholarship will be 'extended' as well...:(( . And with that, i have approximately 6 short months to complete my thesis and if i ever can afford for an extension, i could only bare a one month's cost of extension (having to force my husband to take care of me financially) ...now with that notion, i could not help to think of finding my 'safety net', you know to prepare myself for the worst. the only way is- finding myself a day job! i do not need fancy ones though but must be able to cover all the costs of me getting to work without the need to 'touch' the already tight scholarship budget. AND if that is the case, i just have to find a nanny/help/daycare for my girl.

C) Marriage
This whole issue of 'i have to take care of our baby most of the time and not you', is really beginning to 'eat' its way into my relationship with the husband, i feel. I mean, here i am having to take over the tasks as homemaker/nanny/maid/wife that runs without 'vacation' and according to the little girl's hours, while husband goes to work to bring the bread back home. And when he does get home, he would want his magical 'me time' that is quite impossible to get because our girl just could not resist him and for that i will always be 'released' from her attention and i would then be the one 'relaxing' while he does not. SO, naturally he will pouts (figuratively) at this, and whines about how hard he has been working and in need of his time too. BUT. BUT it is not like he have a CHOICE just like i DO NOT have CHOICE to not say "no, raihanna..today you have to take care of yourself" ..so he have to be fair in this, i feel ..but most of the time, just as he claims i am whining, he is whining himself too about having to babysit our little girl. I could be selfish just as he is being 'selfish' whenever he gets to go to work and have 'his time' centered to himself and ...work whenever his off days were, BUT BUT i never did. So in the end, most of our 'at first starts as a decent, mature discussions of parenting feelings will more often than not ends in spat/sulk/rage of i have been doing more-you do not-debate'..........:(( yes it is not healthy for our marriage. BUT again, perhaps this is one of the bumps in the life-long ride of matrimony. And also perhaps, because husband is not familiar with baby-related-issues and the fact as he has divorced parents and having raised by aunts & grandparents with lack of love,cuddle, and attention throughout..made him somewhat 'hollow' inside everytime i speak of the hardships as housewife (since he has never seen how hard it is a wife has to take of a household or young souls for that matter)..i mean, do not get me wrong, i am not saying that he does not love his child (he definitely loves the child more than he does his wife at this point!) BUT he is really short-tempered when it comes to handling little kiddo's tantrums i.e. the whinings, cryings, attention seeking pouts etc. not to mention, he has NEVER really took care our baby the way i have to for a consecutive days..

CONCLUSION: much of the irony my pursuit of happiness, i have to undergo so much agony and pain, while i am not craving for empathy from friends or families i do long for my husband's understandings at this point of my life of which i find it all too lacking and he seems not wanting to discuss or burden anything about my main concern now : having to take care of my child and get my studies done a.s.a.p. ....i am just tired with all this ..:(( i am so ready to call it quits and find myself a job ...perhaps a career in academia will only be a dream that was too near but yet still very far to reach. Oh Allah please show me the way.

I Promise Not To Whine..

2011-04-14T10:33:00.001-07:00

Salam.

I used to be one of those skeptics that think being a mom is an easy job. I mean, how hard can it be caring for a kid (i decided on this based on my experience nannying 5 nieces and nephews at young age).

Fastforward, at 29 years of age, i learned the bitter truth about parenting- it is nothing short of hardwork, headaches and heartbreaks. Mommyhood is pure roller-coaster feelings- it is all mixed to one; at times you feel blessed upon seeing your bundle of joy's life progress-from teething, crawling, running, talking etc; then there are other times when you feel all flat on your face, super-pressured to be this strong image of a good mom/dad-nursing, caring at all costs at anytime of the day without complaining or whining...

What i learned most about being a mom at quite a young age (considering how so-called modern women these days feel about marriage & career)- is that i have to sacrifice alot on my freedom as an individual.

Gone were the days i could wake up anytime i please (well i must confess, lately i did this sort of thing..of course in between being awake and sleepy- i veggied myself out either on my couch or bed till before noon with my daughter waiting patiently for her mommy to stand on her two feet and bath/feed her..such a good girl), do whatever i want at my whimp, go wherever i feel like going, buy nonsensical things on impulse....just have things done the way i like it to be.

NOW, it is about what should i get for my daughter first, if i go to any restaurant, the menu to look for is something i could share with the toddler-nothing fancy/spicy/oily; finding a place for family leisure-do they have a playground, kid's changing room, is the place toddler-friendly in a sense is it big enough for my daughter's oversize pram to manuever, do they have kid's high chair etc.- just some of things that i'd definitely consider before even venturing out and making plans for the day.

As if being a mommy was not demanding enough, i made a decision to quit my already complacent/doing-well job (was climbing the ladder of success, well on the verge of climbing...) for an even crazier, hectic life as full-time postgrad student + mom.

I thought then, 'sure, i can pull this off' or 'yes, i foresee it to be fulled with hurdles+hiccups+shits+rainbows, but i will SURVIVE, no problem, determination is the key'....

..........now inching to a year as full-time student and on ending my second semester - i am having second thoughts..all that 'i am a superwoman, ms independent, girl power' senses in me...slowly vapourizing/diminishing into thin air and untraceable.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ouch! reality bites me on the ARSE like big time babeh.....and it hurts with no sufficient words to describe the pain.

SIGH. i do not know if this is something more than i thought i could take. it surely beginning to feel like it. I am slowly losing focus- first the dream of undergrad redemption gone down the drain; even worse i am doing far humiliating than i did in my undergrads and if this rate continues= equally gone the chance to take phd outside of malaysian boarderlines. Secondly, not only i was bold and focus when starting out to make this work in less than 2 years, but now under the circumstances, i'd probably risking to push my graduation date even further than planned.

+++++++++++++++++++++++SLappppppppppppppppppEDDDD myself on the face.

NO,NO, NO...i am not whining. NO,NO,NO i am not weak. Truth is, too many happenings in my life insofar causing me 'derailed' from the tracks to glory. And it is just so sad..really. Not only the fact i started student life with a toddler as my extra baggage already causing my first handicap-i do not have help in this crucial years of the studies, makes it more discouraging (2 indonesian maids i had in less than 2 years, became nothing but history of my life now..as they 'took-off' without notice). I did try one of those nurseries thingy, but did not like the fact is causing my daughter's health in ups&downs- the worse being, daughter was sick from flu+coughs for more than a month.

To top it off, dad who has always been the 'stronger and healthier' parent as opposed to mom, undergo a surgery at the end of last year and have since caused change his life; now i do not have one parent (mom) that is sick and need attention, but dad who had always been the one looking out for mom, also required attention as he too is not well. As if that is not enough, my parents is losing the only property they have, subsequently a lost to all of us-to me especially as that house is the same age with me and for the past 29 years-all memories were drawn from that place.

Adding more pressure for this- i feel that i am one of the two last carrier of hopes of my parents to help them out as other siblings at this point of their life could not do much (they have their own battles to fight) and the fact i am not working when i should be (i feel given the circumstances) i could /must help with whatever i have (which unfortunately i do not have much...)

++++++++++++++

so tell me, if there is one person out there who could go/have gone through everything given the same if not worst conditions than i do- i really must speak to that person or at least learned her/his tricks of survival under extreme social pressures- because at this point in life, i feel i am for the gezillion times since all hell break loose- on the verge of emotional break down and quitting seems to be the only way out.....:((

amidst all this challenges- one frustration to the next keeps haunting me down- one of it being that everytime it seems i have put an extra effort to studying, the results did not turn out the way i anticipated it would be (mind you i do not, have never put too much hope, but pass mediocre line essentially what my goals has always been) but..but...after 2 papers i think it is confirmed - early revision, concentrated work, hardworking, full references, will not do me much justic, since all my laidback, last minute study, choppy, sloppy work have got me better grades than those i put my back to it. such irony in my sordid life, and this i promise is no whining, just mere scribbling of my study idiosyncracies.

Pain Pain GO Away, Never Come Back Any Day.

2011-04-11T14:26:00.001-07:00

Salam.

OK, so if the title sound quite familiar to you, perhaps you have heard the original version of "rain rain go away come back another day" song although the issue of rain could well be incorporated in this thread (note: it has been raining cats and dogs for 2 days where i am living and that people aint that good for laundry)

PAIN. the word itself is painful to begin with. Am sure all of us have come across with some kind of painful experiences both physical and emotional, of which the latter i reckon more dramatic and unpredictable.

While i have many emotional pains ranging from personal to communal related matter, what concern me now is this physical pain i am in and need to deal with superfast. But before that, i must confess, i am never been that person with best health, was never athletic (except in my primary years-which i believe the only time in my life i remember running around school compound, or actively engage in running, screaming activities then after puberty everything changed..)..you get the idea, i was never a superfit person. Now fastforward, i am still NOT a fit person.

In fact, i'd dare to confess i am in neglicting my health more these days than i ever used to, i let them go uncheck. the last time i had my health checked was more than 6 months ago (even then was purely for the sake of filling in the requirements for MA and my scholarship)

In my mind, i am fully aware of the need to be health, if not rosy-pink, over the top , muscularly-six-packed abs (albeith no harm of having them, if only i could)...but i never manifest those ideas in real life (because i do often dreams of having sexy abs with 25 inch waist, strutting in skinny levis...) but no, the waistline keeps expanding day by day with the weight numbering heavier than i ever been. BUT no, this isnt about weight issue or sexy abs. this is about muscle pains and sprained joints. YES. sprained ankles and thumbs! and if it is not sheer coincidence, my body must have had 'wished' for it to happened because first i sprained the right thumb and after approximately 3 years, i sprained my right ankle- like as if the whole right-side body had a deal or something.

------------------------------

SO first the thumb. WTF? thumb? surely you have not heard that as often as sprained ankle havent you? BUT just as its nomenclature - 'skiers thumb' because its prevelance in skiing injury- I DID got this thumb of mine injured because of SKIING! well, SNOWBOARDING to be exact. YES, i got the skiers thumb injury right from the snow covered mountain itself.in NAGANO, Japan to be precise.

The whole ordeal was painful and hillarious at one point ( i even laughed at myself, of course later the laughs turned to tears) not to mention, humiliation and disappointment.WHY? because there i was, for the first time in my life, having the chance to skii/snowboard and forked out money that i dont have much for the experience, spent long-bum-numbing hours of bus drive from tokyo to nagano-all excited, all pumped up..you know i was like a kid in the choco land-grinning from ear to ear, with video camera recording everything and anything (including my snow covered shoes) .........

Above: My two happy feet...before hell broke loose for me and my thumb never be the same again.

SIGH. gosh reminiscing it back......it is hard....i have blogged about this humiliating, painful experience...and to be writing it again here, with this throbbing pain in that particular thumb is...painful.

anyways, looking back, the 'above-force' was already trying to tell me, to better watch out and be careful or something terrible will happen. I mean, it was bad vibes right from claiming the rental skii gears, to video camera malfunction, no help from friend to lock the snowboards to ultimately the FALL that almost cause my thumb! (the fresh from accident thumb picture cannot be shown here as i have it stored in some cds in some box..)

Cut long story short- i fell with both my palms opened wide and that is the basic MAJOR rule of no-no if you ever fall while skiing, because it is so dangerous that it could break your thumb(s). Ironically, before falling to my palms, i had been warned by a friend about that basic rule it was like minutes before the accident and i vividly recall before it- i was on top of this mountain slope (numbered as slope 2-second most exciting/dangerous slopes in the vicinity), and i was so damn excited of making it there (after brief 'practice' on 'junior' slope)- right before taking the plunge to my almost broken thumb, i triumphantly stood without assistance for the first time with ease (of course was damn proud about this-note: snowboarding is more difficult to first timers to stand on their feet as compared with skiing because the legs are locked down to the board and any unplanned slip could spell disaster)...BUT that was it, my 5 second standings tall atop the mountain slope, taking in the beautiful all-white scenary and i made the move of my life, snowboarded for another 5 seconds and MAYDAY...disaster took over, i lost balanced and was flat on my face the next minute with a swollen thumb! It was so bad, i had to take out my gloves because the thumb could not fit anymore in it and the biting -25 degrees temperature was not doing much help to the injured finger.

The accident made me a sordid by-stander to all exciting snow activities from the whole afternoon till the end of the trip. By the time i got back to tokyo, i know i was in a terrible situation because the pain did not subside after weeks, i lost the sense to grip things, i could not write and if i did push it, it would cause my world of pain. It was that bad, sure friends told me to see a doctor, but being a pauper student abroad in alien world- i just could not afford it. i mean i would be thinking gezillion times if i was in malaysia where medical fees are still tolerable- but in tokyo? i just had to suck it all in until i get back- and that was just the thing i did. SUCKED IT IN...

fast-forward.....it took me years to overcome the phobia of my sprained thumb, and never did resume back to my little habit of 'cracking my knuckles until it made popped sound' to this day. i am so scared and worried i might broken the already injured thumb (of course i still do that habit with the other fingers exception only apply to my right thumb)

and just after i thought that injured thumb already healed at least tendonly, it made its haunting comeback this past few weeks and getting painful since 2 days ago! i reckon i must have pressured it so bad with all the housework (note: i DO clean the house on a regular basis despite my parents and siblings claim that i am lazy bone-because i like it specking clean to ensure it is lizards-free or lizards-less-zone as i am terrified with that creature!yuuck)

I just so want this thumb to be restored back to its normal state and having this pain make me realise how much worth any of our body parts to us. i mean i am a right-handed person, and any injuries that would cost less efficiency with that limb, will cause me a great deal of hopelessness.

Now with this aching thumb, i could not lift anything without having myself screaming 'ouch' and sometime even caused me teary eyed. and being a wimpy wuss like in front of my toddler does not earn much sympathy from her instead she will scream herself back in my face and say "tak payahhhh" or "tak nakkkk" ....and what irony is this, now i have this pain back in the thumb back in my life when i have no medical benefits to cover the costs as i am again a student, a pauper student that lives out of the mercy of certain financial staffs' efficiency to do the audit and paper work ensuring the scholarships payment be made on time every 3 months!

Sordid me. again.

Updates Uolss!

2011-04-08T11:15:00.000-07:00

Salam..

Ahah. Again the procrastinator is here. and this entry will not be procrastinated anymore. REASON for not updating: Other than being occupied with fulltime mommyhood, of course assignments and classes made it to my whining-cursing-oh-why-i-have-no-time-for-myself-list. Not that i am officially a free bird now (well almost for this sem at least, 50% there..) but all major homeworks have been handed in, and what is left to face in my MA battle is final exam that is up in less than 3 weeks! However, i am in no way free, just somewhat, 'release' from any major headaches for now..

OK. who am i kidding. The postgrad stress will always be there until...i am a graduate. With less than a year to go before my scholarship runs out, I have yet made any real progress with my dissertation.

At this point, i am really regretting the fact i took what i took for that matter. Solely because i am binded to a certain requirement for my dissertation- category predetermined, of which is totally out of context with what has been taught to me throughout this entire course. NOW, if i was just like any other students, I have NO problem concocting a subject matter for dissertation.

NO, not being cocky. Just pure realist. Because i have done all the coursework, I am familiar with the concepts and theories regarding the coursework, so technically i could cook up something if i want just to fill the bill for a scroll.

BUT that is not the case for me. I cannot just do anything. Even worse i have to do something off-the-tracks totally. NOW if that does not make any other sane person even stressful, i dont know what will. Doing something that you have not got the chance to familiarise with. That you have not studied. Seriously, it is tough.

HOWEVER, being a fighter (yes, such contradiction- i am a whiner as well as a fighter) i DO have an idea of what i COULD do. just that, because the department i am in, is not related with what i have to do, as such there are no or lack of experts in that particular field, i could only ask for suggestion from some lecturers i know of only to be quite disappointed because they themselves are not well-versed in the matter- as such only could give very basic rules and guidance. OK probably i have not found the right person, but..until i do, this feelings of being lost and confuse will be lingering on for some time.

YADAYAYDAYAYDAYAYDAYADA...bluerghh. gosh, even writing them out (angst over not-making any real progress with my dissertation) exhaust me! OK gotta stop.

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SOOOOO, what is new? Tettttttttttt..NOTHING. ahah. again sordid details about to be poured out on www. screw that. onto something more gay and cherry.

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MALAYSIAN POLITICS? getting too controversial and almost circus-like with dirty exposure and accusations, name-callings, drama drama drama....from one detail to another, and in between, whattt another death incidents implicating something so familiar? suicide or homocide? for now, dont speculate, dont decide, i'd say and personally i dont care.

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LOCAL ENTERTAINMENT? another so-called most grandeur award show held in the all too familiar location. vain place for a taste of celebs life, feeling all too glamourous and hollywood wannabes. again personally, felt nauseating and wanting to vomit at the sights of them feeling oh-f-it- i-m- a- shtar, with shimmering dress and dying to broadcast their sponsors name any chance they had, hence the cliche brainless chitchats while on podium announcing the nominees and winners "apa khabar?", "bangga saya berdiri sebelah si jelita/jambu/kacak", "cantik baju", "wow, awak nampak lawa", "apa projek baru" and the cliche brainless chitchats continue..*vomit* I would rather watch HBO or my japanese drama DVDs than tuning to that channel, BUT en suami wanted to watch them saying, "come on mami, support malaysia la" again, *vomit* this aint about supporting malaysian entertainment industry, if i dont watch it does not make less patriotic about the industry, it is after all 'most popular' this and that categories on the basis of so-called solely fans vote. *vomit* with one particular name withdraw from the show, truly made way for others to stand a chance to win. BUT again, i dont think at all those who won, truly manifest the best in the industries. nonetheless, i dont really have anything against those who won, really not my business- except one name of which i think *vomit* dont deserve the trophy because having seen her in close proximity because i used to work under the same rooftop, i dont think she is all she appears to be in the public, except being one dubious, conniving, magnificent actress. *vomit again*

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oh little something on raja lawak. now in a grandeur season-maharaja lawak, where all the top-3 finalists compete for a grand prize RM300k in cash!!!! wow. that is some money man. i wish i could have that.....oh man, i do wish winning cash money anytime. haha. so anyways,the show is now in its second week, with ac mizal as host and so-called 'experience' and 'credible' faces of the industry as juries...except Apek, i think the other two are not comedian and the basis of why they are chosen is debatable. that aside, i thought performances to watch out for and worth the time are that of jozan, nabil, sepah and balas! i bet jozan, sepah and nabil will be the top 3 BUT knowing it is not completely a REALITY show with decision PURELY made on the votes cast by fans (come on .. with astro or any tv shows for that matter, nothing is real real and transparent anytime they put on a show with fans voting system in it..there tend to be manipulation or special prior decisions made) - i make this claims based on 3 apparent reason:

1) no verification nor authentication as to the real numbers contributing the participants' percentages. I mean, they say so an so wins with so and so percentage, BUT who can confirm for real if those numbers are true or even existed! Nor there is no auditors like in juara lagu (just to cite an example) to emits credibility to the numbers of votes. Also, there has never been an explanation of how many thousands of people that voted that made up that particular percentage (in comparison with American Idols or even ABPBH)

2) look at how they so-called 'open' the voting lines in every show. they so called 'open' it right after the show starts and 'end' it just after the last act done doing their thing. I mean, in one way, it could be translated as suicidal if there are people (excludes those die-hard fans that would vote regardless the performances of their interest) who would vote accordingly, those 'on-the-fence-voters'..and say the last act really did crack them up and they want to cast their votes but cannot do so because the line is immediately close after the act finishes the sketch. what idiocy is that? is astro wants to appear unsuspicious, they should at least break for a commercial before resuming the show and announce the line is officially close, or why dont you go all capitalism- open it throughout the whole week and ends it just 10 mins before the show ends every friday.

3) look at last season winners. balas has been on the top of the list with 40%-50% majority, leaving their comrades with a mere 5%-15%, and yet in the finale, they dropped to third place! just like suddenly, kepooff..there goes the 1st prize dream. conspiracy indeed. the same scenarios with other fans-voting shows with the company...and confirmed by insiders, that winners are predetermined and favouritism do exist!

that is why, though i would not mind charging my bills voting for my favourite acts, i would not do so ...not until i am convinced those money i spent really did make a contribution to the participants either increasing/decreasing their winning chance.

the one that got.....screwed at..

2011-03-18T12:29:00.000-07:00

TETIBA aku baru mendapat berita yang taktau nak kategorikan sebagai gembira ke duka ke...but one thing for sure, it had quite an effect on me..the feelings a bit unknown..tapi aku konfem bukan gembira bila aku dapat tahu seseorang bernama NS telah dikurniakan anak (post ini terpaksa ditulis dalam bm sbb manalah tahu NS baca, dia tak paham bm ..)

NS..aku patutnya rasa happy untuk kau, tapi aku tak rasa pun macam tu..takdelah happy sangat..tapi aku tahu kau happy, bila tengok gambar-gambar terbaru kau tu bersama kurniaan Allah yang diberikan nama Yusuf.

MMG cantik nama tu, secantik bayi yang dilahirkan. Berkulit putih, dan mewarisi sepasang mata biru NS.

MATA BIRU? ye NS bukan melayu. Mahupun bukan Malaysian. Tapi NS seorang MUSLIM. malah lebih muslim daripada aku..

KEPADA NS, jauh disudut hati aku doakan terbaik buat kau. NS was indeed what i would considered, the one that got away..but i was the one that made NS got away, i screwed that chance..

YES silly me i know, anyone else would jump in joy knowing a 'mata biru' wanted your hands in matrimony, tapi aku TIDAK semudah ini biarpun si mata biru satu ini mahu ke tahap the 'big next step' dengan aku.

TAPI aku tetap turn NS down, bukan sebab dia tak kacak (actually NS tergolong dalam kategori si mata biru yang sangat kacak, malah jadi gilaan ramai pompuan, sehinggakan aku rasa seperti tak sepadan, lalu rasa rendah diri);

MALAH bukan juga kerana agama (NS bukan seperti kebanyakkan si mata biru yang perlu meng-convertkan diri sekiranya melangkah ke 'big next step' kerana si mata biru NS yang satu ini sudah lama mengislamkan dirinya sejak berusia 16 tahun)...

TETAPI aku tolak NS kerana entahlah, mungkin aku bodoh dan takut aku tak mampu menjadi seorang muslim yang baik untuk NS yang amat-amat pada pandangan aku telah 'disucikan' Allah dengan hidayahNya...atau mungkin sememangnya aku NAK melayu jugak! senang makan masak lomak cili api dan bukan pizza cheese hari-hari...atau mungkin sebab aku takut dengan idea yang NS mahu bawak aku berhijrah jauh ke bumi amerika selepas that next big step..

YANG bestnya, aku memang yang meng-screw-up-kan apa sahaja kategori perhubungan yang NS dan aku ada masa itu.

SUDAHLAH jarak jauh (tapi awas bukan perkenalan alam maya..semuanya bermula di satu kedai merchandise dan aku diberikan salam oleh si NS membuatkan aku terkejut beruk sebab dia berpakaian ala-ala artis R&B amerika bersama rakannya yang gaya seperti ahli band POD dengan dreadlocks) tapi NS tetap ingin mengenali aku dan hubungan itu bertukar PJJ, dengan balasan emel panjang lebar setiap hari ..kemudian satu hari aku biarkan NS begitu sahaja, dan 'lari' sehinggakan suatu hari NS 'jumpa' aku di satu laman sosial dengan gambar-gambar perkahwinan aku sudah dimuat-naikkan.

NS mengirim satu emel untuk mengesahkan hal itu. Satu emel yang agak, direct dan berbaur kecewa namun NS doakan terbaik buat aku.

TAK lama selepas itu, NS khabarkan dia pula akan menjejaki langkah yang sama seperti aku- 'the big next step' dengan seorang XX berbangsa Afrika yang hanya dikenali NS selama 6 bulan!

KATA NS dalam emel itu, dia tak pun bercinta dengan XX (kini isteri NS yang sah) malah selama tempoh perkenalan, NS hanya keluar (dating) dua kali dengan XX!

KETIKA itu aku rasa memang aku telah kecewakan NS..dan apa yang NS rasa terhadapkan aku adalah genuine.

TAPI aku telah buat keputusan masa itu.. dan aku pilih XY bernama R sebagai suamiku...aku yakin R jodohku dan dia sememang sangat baik terhadap aku...AKU SAYANG R sangat-sangat, semestinya...

KINI kami sudah pun memasuki tahun ke-3 perkahwinan dan mempunyai seorang anak perempuan...biarpun tiada seorang daripada suami dan anak bermata biru (takpe kalau kemaruk sangat nanti anak aku besar, aku suruh pakai contact lens) aku berharap apa yang dibina berkekalan selamanya dan paling penting..bahagia.

BUKAN niat aku mengenang2kan NS. tahlah, selama aku sudah berkahwin kali terakhir kami berbalas emel dalam setahun lepas.

NS sekadar bertanya khabar sesama sendiri. Dan NS setiap kali tiba harijadi aku (setakat ini) tidak lupa mengucapkan tahniah (kerana tarikh lahir kami hanya beza 3 hari dalam bulan yang sama, mungkin kerana itu mudah ingat.. (tapi itu bukan big deal, aku sehingga hari ini boleh namakan beberapa orang yang tarikh lahir sama bulan dengan aku - aku ingat tarikh-tarikh itu HANYA sebab kawan-kawan yang dimaksudkan sama bulan dengan aku, itu je)

MEMANG tiada perasaan lagi antara aku dan NS...

Malah istilah kawan pun mungkin tak sesuai ntahlah walaupun aku masih nak kekalkan sebagai kawan yelah kita tak tahu manalah tahu satu hari nanti aku perlukan bantuan dia sekiranya menjejakkan kaki di bumi asing penuh si mata biru itu..

DAN DONT GET ME WRONG, tulisan di sini bukan aku dok teringat ke kat NS .. TETAPI seperti awal perenggan di atas, aku jadi DI-INGATKAN bila terpandang update dia dalam satu laman sosial.

NS, kini satu kenangan yang tersendiri...

TAPI manalah tahu suatu hari nanti, anak aku hana dipertemukan dengan anak NS..nah hamik kau boleh lah berbesan :) kalau jadi begitu, mungkin cucu aku dapat mewarisi mata biru atau kaler lain la...;p

Moral of the story: jangan suka kecewakan orang, jangan pilih seseorang sebagai teman hidup hanya kerana luaran, bangsa e.g. mata biru ke walaupun ada si mata biru yang nakkan anda, tetapi lihat faktor dalaman dan tanya hati sendiri, adakah orang itu yang anda mahukan untuk hidup bersama hingga akhir hayat.......DAN kalau terkinang-kinang bukan maksud terbayang-bayang..kadang-kadang kita teringat kerana ada insiden yang mengingatkan kita..sama seperti kes cerita aku ini.

akhir entry, i love what i have now...kepada en suami, you're everything to me, terima kasih kerana ayah suami yang baik (walaupun garang kadang-kadang :p ) dan harap jodoh kita selamanya amin.

Tortoise-like speed drivers should be penalized too!

2011-03-17T12:18:00.000-07:00

FIRST of all, i am so not inferring the tortoise-like speed drivers to senior citizens. I mean, I am not that harsh and inconsiderate. Senior citizens...really ought to be given a break, while i am it, equally forgiven are 'expired' cars, rotten, bumper terlondeh, you get the idea what i am talking about ...cars with bad conditions. I mean, you can/should also give those conditions a break.

HOWEVER, those so-called cautious, good, traffics abiding drivers with 30km/h speedometer or less really ticks me off!

SURE, there are times when you just want to have a relax drive..but that can be done if you're on a countryside, travelling down a road while at the same time try taking in the scenic landscapes, with air brushing your face, your gf/bf/scandals by your side..you know like in the movies!

BUT, on a one/two lane route? Realllllllly pisses me off man. Macam #*^#*^_(@*. Today (yesterday) i guess was my unlucky day. I've encountered a few of this jack-asses..two while on my way to class, of which both cars were considerably new cars (judging from the exterior of the car and license plate) one was Proton Wira and the other was Myvi with the former man driver! And while i was on my way back home, one super-dimwit ass drove brought the traffic to a halt on a one lane downhill route!!! THAT WAS PRETTY DANGEROUS man. MEmang babi gila orang tu...almost causing accidents.

Memang ultimate pu&*#&* when i see this kind of road users! NOT only they are fully aware of their driving speed, i reckon they enjoy it with no remorse nor considerations to at least give way to people to overtake them!

KALAU kau iyapun tengah blowjob/beromen/menggelitit dalam tu pun, ketepi la kan kereta tu. give way. I say this, because it's night man, you cant be saying 'no, i am enjoying the scenary' Fuck it, it was really dark. (NOTE: puncak alam route) Nor was the route sandwiched with beautiful mountains, colorful trees on the roadside ke hapa.. There are people who have serious matters, demanding business to get to (like i was, was effin late to class).

DO they realised by driving too slow, they are also endangering other road users? It's equally dangerous to drive to fuckin slow as with too fuckin fast.

OF COURSE i am no way condoning any speed above the speed limit..i mean that's really asking for accidents..contributing to death statistics. BUT come on, driving like a pea-minded tortoise is not helping others as well.

AS SUCH, these people ought to be penalized equally as those fast drivers!

AM reminded by one FRIENDS episodes where Ross got to drive his dad's porche, and in trying to impress Rachel for a drive out in the convertible he ended up only to reveal his real driving skills to Rachel...which was none! Rachel to Ross, "Have you ever heard fifth gear?". Ross ended up got a ticket for driving too slow in a highway and thinking back, i think that law should be made legal here in Malaysia . Road Safety DG DATUK SURET SINGH kena buat kempen "PANDU PERLAHAN PUN BOLEH MAUT DI TENGAH JALAN" atau "SILA LAJU LAGI LABI ATAU ORANG LAIN MATI".

Gone Too Soon..

2011-03-16T11:09:00.000-07:00

Above: In his heyday, some of the early images of his newly constructed nose before it went all...umm runny

The picture above needs no introductory. He's more popular worldwide than the Beatles or Elvis, heck even the Pope. He was, IS and forever will be the KING OF POP! Just like the millions out there, i have my fair share of memories watching MJ's on TV and when he finally came to Malaysia way back in the early 1997, i cringed to the thought of watching him performed on stage-live and...I almost went to watched his concert (of course after failing misreably in convincing my eldest sister to bring me along with her, her excuse was because i was not old enough..fyi: i was in 15 years old ) and my sister who bought the most expensive tix and she bought like 6 of them, brought like whoever knows..none of us in the family!! she treated her friends instead..grrrr. can never forgive her for that..pfff. (you can click here for the uploaded vid of his performance in KL when he said, "saya cinta malaysia"-translation: "i love malaysia")

SO he came in 1997. and it was hugggge coverage..everybody in the country went beserk for him. and i remembered my eldest sis telling us the stadium was a sold-out but what was interesting for her she said, of how many Indian fans of MJ in KL that came and dressed like the star, with studded white glove in one hand..his worldly trademark.

I finally had my break. During the new year eve of 1999, in Quality Hotel KL, i had MY closest 'encounter' with the 'star' himself...performing...the ballroom's light was dimmed when 'he' made his entrance...singing.."billie jean". The crowd went crazzzzyy...NOT! I was at the back of the room at that time and couldnt really see 'him' ...there was a huge fuss in the room, giggles too..and then i saw 'him'. OK..so it was not the real MJ! He was not the second best thing even! It was more like extremely super low branded copy of MJ, with skinny frail, protruding belly, very dark skin (i could only see his teeth's reflection under the low lights) and, and, BIG CURLY PONY TAILED WIG...what a.....NIGHTMARE. TO add more insult, he couldnt even do the moonwalk right..what an embarrasing impersonation of the mega star...

Above: Pretty close to the character that just made my new year celeb in 1999 a nightmare..

Now that white glove with the rest of his personal items goes under the hammer for auction (or have been sold). The white glove was put on Ebay at a starting bidding price of $388,000! AND...who is now the proud owner of one of that many white gloves of MJs? His name is Tracy Morgan one of the many Hollywood's has been.

Above: AND...here it is, when he started to make his face look scarily aging look alike to Diana Ross. What were you thinking MJ really...sadd.

HONESTLY, even before his spiralling career back then; with court-cases, world mockery etc. to the point when his death 'resurrected' his name back in the industry and everybooooody starts to claim that they're the biggest fan of MJs in the world when in real fact it was only then they lot did panic attack DVDs/CDs buy of MJs songs/videos/the last concert etc; for I, must confess in my possesion even before that whole charade, i only had TWO of his album that i must proudly confess of which i bought MYSELF with my own pocket money. the two album was HISTORY and his last album INVICIBLE .

HIS songs were all good to hear, that i have many favourites, as with millions out there..BUT some of my fav definitely GHOST, REMEMBER THE TIME, WHO IS IT, MAN IN THE MIRROR, BLACK&WHITE, IN THE CLOSET, ABC, JAM, SCREAM, BEN, DIRTY DIANA....many more....:) I remembered when i had newly bought his last album, i tried to listen to it in my dad's car (it ws the tape version, cant afford CD player back then) my father would asked me to STOP the tape after a few tracks...he said, "Tah apa tah nyanyi, asik ah ah ooh ohh tersedu-sedu jek!" He was commenting on MJs style of singing and lamented it ws not a good performance as you couldnt understand his lyrics, too much drama with the 'aaah', 'oooh'...THAT comment disappointed me. I remembered upon hearing the later remarks from my dad that discouraged me to listen to any MJ songs in his car; i pulled a sulking face! boohoo...DAD didnt approved my choice of songs. I defended to dad, "AYAH, INI MJ we're talking. King of POP!", daddy wasnt amused!

Time passed...and now the KING's Dead..and he indeed gone too soon...in June 2009, the world was shocked by his passing. His death are still mourned by many, including I. I could vividly recall that very morning a friend, Lyza Razak texted me, "MJ's DEAD babe!!!" It was quite early in the morning around 7am..the weather was drizzling, so there was this melancholic settings around me, almost like in agreement to the passing of the King. SADNESS. NUMBNESS. I was still in my confinement period back then, and remembered sharing the news with the rest of my family, all of us was GLUED to tv/internet for updates...

Above: His daughter, Paris and family members, said goodbye during the live broadcasted memorial service. ..Paris,"eversince i was born, daddy has been the best father you can imagined, and i just wanted to say that i love him...so much.."

MICHAEL JOSEPH JACKSON is dead..and there will be no one, even close to, that can even compares with him! no one can be compared with him! RIP MJ. Always missed. and may justice be served to whoever did involve in causing his death. Dr. Conrad Murray pleaded not guilty and much anticipated trial sets this 28 march. If convicted Murray faces maximum of 4 years in prison..

PS: i wrote this thread in memory of the King, simply because...i wnt to! hell it is my blog..bluergh. nah, i ws listening to his songs/videos..MJs accompanying me throughout the late night studies since..last week. :)

When the earth beneath you......moves & tsunamis rolling in.

2011-03-12T10:00:00.000-08:00

Salam.

For two days, the whole world has its focus on Japan. Specifically, near Honshu, miyagi prefecture area. Now, that area was rippled with a fierceful force recorded at 8.9 magnitude and has so far took about 1,500 lives while an estimated 9,500 lives are missing.

2. Although Japan is no stranger to encountering and overcoming natural disasters such as tsunami (the name itself is derived from nihongo) and earthquakes (as the country's geographically sits on the pasific rings of fire); this quake deemed to be the worst that nihon ever seen in 110 years.

3. NOW, if this were to hit other places, no doubt my sympathy goes out the residents affected. However, since this is japan, nihon, nippon..we're talking, now that really make it a different picture for me. It bares more emotional baggage to me, almost like it is my home affected. Ah, but wait. Nihon does feel like a second home. For years i have been fascinated by its culture, language, food and scenic places; it is THE first foreign country i ever stayed in long enough to be called as second home ( i know there are many more out there that have years of experience in japan that may debate about the how justified is a particular period of time to be considered "long enough'..but hey this is my blog is it not?)

Above: Chiaky & Megumi- very nice and friendly almost like a sister to me..younger sister of course. :)

4. And because of that, anything that relates to Japan, i am more interested to learn more although that experince of having walked the soil of Tokyo and its surrounding was 5 years ago and the memories (most) starting to fades.

Above: 7-11 near my dorm. Without a doubt, the most frequently visited konbini (convenient store) of mine with usual take-outs such as onigiri, pokka coffee, sembe, and the daikon-heaven.

5. SO, with this incident, i can't help but to feel i wanted to know more of its updates since there are friends, acquintances, people that i have crossed paths while i was there (2004-2005) and probably could be affected.

6. While i was there, i have experienced earthquakes or as the japanese called it 'jishin'. Most poignant was in particular, around October 2004 when a big earthquakes of Niigata's 7.2 magnitude. I could still recall the day i first felt the tremors of an earthquake. It was around 5pm, and Rina (roomate) and i was lazying our room. Most of us (the foreign students were lazying around ;p ) when it hit us.

Above: Just behind that rainbow painted building, is the dorm speficially for foreign BGU students (what privileged really, clean, roomy, fully-equiped & facilitated). And my room was on the second floor (only room number two's window is visible here) FIY, this was the view taken from our class on 5ft floor in BGU (walking distance to the dorm, very convenient)

7. The books fell off our shelves, and i could feel the sensation as if someone was shaking the whole house. All of us (first timers at quakes) ran like mad, panicking literally; and one friend Erick Peterson (the funny one) was screaming "earthquakes people". He was our warning system.

8. Let me tell you, the experience was scary. The tremors wasn't that bad (as we later found out according to japanese standards)-4.5 magnitude, and this was the reading where i was staying which was in Hongo, Tokyo (quite far from the epicentre).

9. I remembered, my heart was racing as i was running down the stairs, my mind was having this flashes of memory of the faces of my family and people that i care for (you know the typical thing they say when you feel like you're life about to end and your whole life flashes back in front of your eyes). I thought then, 'oh no, I don't want to die in Japan this way'.

10. The funny thing about that, after what seems like a longggg minutes (but in actual fact, the tremor was less than 2 minutes); all of us were standing in the dorm's courtyard and just to be giggled afterwards by our very concern sensei that came to check us out.

10. WHY i say giggled? Because to the nihonjin (japanese) anything below 5 magnitude is a harmless shake baby! 5.0 - 6.5 considered MILD and anything above can be dangerous. AND rule of the thumb to them: they DON'T PANIC, RUN and SCREAM (of course under serious circumstance these rules does not apply! ;p)

11. That exactly explains why there is one old woman or the japanese called 'obasan' literally means aunty; was still very calmly walking her dog when the earth was shaking!!!!!! AND many just continue doing what they're doing with no real panic surge in them i.e. cycling although in a wobbly manner etc. LIFE for the nihonin is NORMAL anytime below 5.0 magnitude quake occur!

12. NOW, fast-forward, the Honshu quake. I could only imagine how devastating it must have been and learning from friends in Tokyo, though there was no tsunamis, but the shake was pretty scary. And if the japanese says SCARY, you bet your socks it is HELLA SCARY incident!! Nothing compared with midget tremors of what the folks in Putrajaya, KL have been fussing about some time ago when some quakes triggered in Indonesia, and some parts of southern Malaysia felt the aftershocks. (typical Malaysian always dramatic! ;p. having said that, our building aren't quake-proof so yeah, we can tolerate the fuss)

13. NOW being the ignorant me, i was never the kind of person who would keep in touch with everyone; but that doesn't mean that i have forgotten about them. I mean, every veins in me wanted to be that super-nice person that keeps in touch with friends and people who have been a great help/cheered up my life be it a brief moment; but i was never abled to be as such. I don't know why. BUT i do know that i REGRET it now.

14. In relation to this incident, i could only wonder the well-beings of those friendly faces that has touched my life during that splendid times i spent in Tokyo. Just left wondering how they are, because except a few namely Sufi Norhany, Mohd Zulhairy, Tomoko Negishi, Yumiko Hakoshima, Kazue Namai, Susan Branz, Lisa Onodera; the rest have no/frozen/terminated FB account to give updates about themselves.

Above: Miki and Moko Chan. The inseparable best friends and very wacky, over-the-top nicest people i have ever met. i miss you guys and good to know you guys are safe. p/s: Wish i can have a meeting soon with you guys just as Rina had, lucky her...demo, okane ga chotto arimasu hehe..

15. I wonder how are my foster family the Ito are doing. Terumi and her sisters, okasan to onisan, daijoubo kana? I wonder about another friendly face Fumiye Hosozawa who lives in Chiba. I wonder about the wonderful 12 girls - juniors of Bunkyo Gakuin University who attended that wonderful 2 weeks of English camp in Karuizawa.

Above: When i think of Teru chan, i am reminded with Boyz 2 Men..as she is one huge fans of the quartet. Teru chan, i hope you are ok over there..

16. I wonder if the ever so kind, Nukada San, the dorm's janitor, was affected by the quakes? Ah, Nukada San, deep in me i ache to see his face again. Although we could never converse in a humanly manner either in Japanese or English ( as he was not proficient in Eigo just as i was not proficient in Nihongo); there was this sense of warmth in him that i ever so miss, almost in a fatherly/grandfatherly love manner. Heck, he filled in the void in me when i was missing home so bad on my birthyday; he cheered me up by treating me and Rina tempura dinner that he claimed he'd cooked, he was the one who would buy the delicious onigiri (rice cake) of many varieties i.e. salmon,crab,egg for breakfast... I really hope he is still alive and well and wish i could see him again..someday.

Above: With the Nukada San....almost teared up when i write about him in the previous paragraphs. I really hope you are doing fine. May Allah keeps you safe.

17. My thoughts are with them and there has never been a single day in my life since i touched down in Narita that i have forgotten the wonderful experiences i had in the country of the rising sun. Nihon gambaraou ne!!!!

Laughter's the best medicine or so they say.......

2011-03-04T10:20:00.000-08:00

salam.

Comedy always had this magnetic affect on me eversince i can remember. you know, i'm of one of those softies with a 'ticklish' heart (is there really such a thing? :p)..and such, funny, wacky, comic people will surely get my attention. they seem to clicked that 'button' for ease. So much so, over the years, funny guy always have the easy way to interests me, captivates me..and i absolutely adore the sights of Adam Sandler, Jimmy Fallon, Will Ferrell..(just to name a few) and Saturday Night Live (SNLs), FRIENDS are some of my all-time favorite shows
.

(above) Jimmy Fallon, one of the many person i would want to meet..after Keanu Charles Reeves and Takuya Kimura (also previously wish to date-list..haha yes dreamy i know)

BUT, this is real life is it not? More often than not, we don't end up having the things we would love to have. Funny, humorous guy was never the characterictics in my husband. it's like he almost have no comic bone, cells,veins in him. OK. i am painting an injustice picture of him of being this dead-super-serious guy aren't i? mami aisheteiru you still ayah..;p

To set the record straight en suami do have his fair shair being a comic himself. I would call his sense of humor more like the Brits they say, that have this dry-like comedy sense and when they make a joke, they don't make that face at all. like very stone almost, dead but dead funny..well, en suami does have his humorous days once in awhile.

POINT i am making, yes i fancy comedian, but not just any comedian. I can't tolerate "low" type of jokes such to say on farts,races,disgusting stuffs i.e. poos, though have to admit, those things can really trigger some laughs easily, anytime. OK, so just a few drops of those in a joke should be alright i guess, BUT if the whole skits consist of poos, farts, and you the audience finds that funny, then there must be some serious problems with that audience.

WITH that, i am making reference to the on-going local comedian talent show called 'RAJA LAWAK'. the show is now in its fifth season (congrats) meaning, despite critics it survived all those years and now on the semi-final weeks (i guess).

OVERALL, i personally think it is a good show. I mean , you can't expect to get wonders like Sandler, Fallon, Ferrell type of stand-up comedian in its finalists. Even those people mentioned didn't start up and become great and discovered instantly. having said that, making jokes is not easy to do. and making it on a weekly basis, in front of live audience is even harder, one can only imagined. even worst when the crowd doesnt appreciate your work and they're not responding to your jokes. that'd....surely hurts. SO in that light, kudos to the finalists.

SO, who are my favorites? Personally, I like the duo from Penang, the solo MAN..the rest to me are just so-so. WHO would i root to be the winner? MAN. simply because he is a solo, and he is talented that is to say, he had been coming up with new character every week rather than the former that undeniably have excellent chemistry between the two and do cracked some wicked jokes. HOWEVER, that particular duo, i reckon will be a hit after the shows. They'll surely get jobs easily because of their 'slamber' approach to comedy and very au naturally ..funny! gosh, i love them all really. can they have two winners this year??

(Above) Balas: They often take the character name of Tom and Jerry. Tom being the skinny guy on the left and Jerry, the one's in stripey shirt. Their skits if in this character is often with wicked, twisted manglish style lingo. Funny as hell. I personally dig the stripey because he's just wacko!!!!

ANYWAYS, they say laughter is the best medicine; when you're happy, one wrinkle less in the face; or always smile puts off the sadness away. Skeptics or believers; scientifically the saying about 'laughter being the best medicine' has been proven to be true. So much so, the professionals have come up with a laugh therapy that to be said effective in combating diseases:

"Laughing is found to lower blood pressure, reduce stress hormones, increase muscle flexion, and boost immune function by raising levels of infection-fighting T-cells, disease-fighting proteins called Gamma-interferon and B-cells, which produce disease-destroying antibodies. Laughter also triggers the release of endorphins, the body's natural painkillers, and produces a general sense of well-being."

As for the concern that laughter can put give away wrinkles, i guess you can take the look at those happy faces in tv life like Aznil Hj Nawawi, who clearly has always been this jovial individual, almost like on prozac-constantly smiling and happy it seems..and look at his face. it is almost like he doesnt age much and still look as young as he was when he first started his career back in the 80s (i know so and can still vividly recall one centerspread magazine photoshot of him standing beside a car that my sister had cut-out and paste on her inner cupboard walls! because he was so cute, she said)

TRIVIA: i used to pose (and still sometimes do even today..) with very weird, almost not-sensible, cartoony look whenever i get my picture snap eversince i just a kid because i don't know how to smile and thus figured if i make funny faces people won't notice that i am not good looking and would think "hey look at her she's cute, funny & happy kid"...yeah...i am a comic to myself..

(above) yours truly at the age of 7. evidence of that so-called weird-funny face pose. (^-^)

Wedding Anniversary

2011-03-03T09:47:00.002-08:00

Salam.

Today, or rather yesterday (3.3.2011), was a date remembered by everyone of us in the family. It's the day of our parents wedding anniversary. And, this year, marked their 42nd years of togetherness and encounting.

42 years. Now, that is pure commitment. To be able to stay in a relationship that long, takes real commitment, strong will power, a conscious heart and sensible too that eventhough your other half is not that perfect somebody you wished for; he/she will have to do. (let's face it, they say it takes after 5 years in a marriage then you'll truly discover the wholesome truth about your partner and more often than not- not that pretty image(s).

I have yet to come to that. BUT, my wed anniversary, is due in just a few days. Come, next monday (7/3/2011), i'll be in my fourth year of marriage with mr hubby. So, it will take me another year to pass that first iniatial testing phase.

What's amazing to me, is how couples of years of marriage can stand each other for so long? Oh, please don't give me that cliche reason such as "because they LOVE each other".

Because, let's face it. There will come a time in your marriage, then LOVE does tire you down, you get all weary about anything lovey-dovey themes, and it's purely technical or needs to have that someone as your life partner (at least this is my ill-feeling about this contract of love whenever i have spousely quarrel :p )

OK. enough raving. I actually need to get my focus to finishing my presentation that is due in less than 12 hours...unfortunately, no pictures for today's event except a cake-cutting video that i reckon would be too personal for the world wide web to see.

In sum, to mom and dad, "Mak dan Ayah, Selamat Ulangtahun Perkahwinan yang ke 42 tahun. Semoga terus berbahgia selamanya. Amin" Love you both to bits..

Eddy Adika in memory..again.:((

2011-03-01T10:37:00.001-08:00

salam.

As you probably notice (by the date of my entries) that i fortnightly update the entries of this blog. Guess that's how it is with someone having a couple of names in the blogsphere + lazybone like me do=seldom updates.

Anyhow, as i was blog-hopping, updating, touching-up here and there (macam la lawa sangat) and yes for this part i blame it largely on the effin slow internet connections in my housing area and yes again blame it all on streamyx because of the recent upgrading to unifi.

SOOOO, i was 'cleaning' my sidebars here, and i accidently clicked to one blog name that i havent clicked for a loooongggggggggggggggggg time. And yes, the owner in titled in this entry of mine. EDDY ADIKA. ALLAHYARHAM EDDY ADIKA.

if you noticed, i did write about his passing previously and posted my final picture with him.

POINT i was making: I make a heart-wrenching blog visit to Eddy's and found his third final entry was filled with words i could associate easily to- with his appreciation dedicated to my name and the same picture i have posted here with him, he had that one too!

IF ONLY i was more aware of his updates back then...:((

AL-FATIHAH EDDY ADIKA. you will always be remembered.

Let's make more money

2011-02-15T09:07:00.000-08:00

I really hate it when you have worked you way through, wrote a mountain with sincere thoughts and originality and suddenly when you have just clicked the "ENTER" button, all that work just kepoofffff! disappeared! Damn it..so aku malas nak pk n tulis berbunga2 lagi..click je la link bawah ni kalau percaya, kalau tak percaya,boleh jugak click bagi percaya apa kata? :)

How does getting rewarded through sharing sounds like to you? Join #ChurpChurp today and bring more friends to the community!

It's A New Year Again

2011-01-12T11:23:00.000-08:00

salam..wooooooooooo how ive been slacking off to make any updates on this blog of mine..but i guess it is still not too late to wish (myself) a Happy New Year..2011. But, but...I am not all optimistic for what this year has to offer for me, especially regarding family issues and I..Hence, the modification of this site= removed the banner with all joyous me & hubby wed photos and the striking flowery pinky background..:((

2. I dont even know where to start. 2011 seems to bring so many sad stories even at the start of it, and this doesnt mean well..

3. Something dear, very dear to my heart, and to the rest of my family will be gone in matter of months all thanks to a particular person who have "showered" us with her "kindness" for the past 5 years, only to be wanting this one thing dearest to us all back as bargain!

4. Oh how all of us have been decieved by that wretch person, who talks with a fashion of hollier-than-thou, but come to think of what she's doing to us now, what is holly about it? Whats so good about it? Wheres the generosity?

5. Oh how sad it is to think that after all this years, dearest atashii no ryoushin have to face all this...in their crucial golden years..years of which they should be spending wrinkles free, lazying in the house with laughters of rugrats running wild in the weekends while everybody who is dearest to them all- would spoil them every once in awhile.

6. Oh to that snake person, you are indeed more vicious than a snake, to call yourself with a standards and act all pious, all that talk about sincerity when in fact you're doing the same of what a Yahudi bad scheming would have done-utter oppression, heartless act of putting people off to the streets, literally!

7. Oh you that heartless witch, you ought not to be called with that honorary title in front of your glittering name that have become the fate of you because you were just damn lucky to be born of privilege and on a silver platter...In truth, you're bloodsucking creature with eyes blinded for all monetary lust and a mind of getting things the way you want it.

8. Theres no way around this mess, except a miracle. By Allah O Mighty, for only He can alter this spiraling down fate it seems - Give us the hope , show us the way to fight back not physically, but emotionally-stronger to face the demons with hijab roaming wild on earth with skins so white & flawless, clad in expensive cottons & worldly materials, whilst ever so proudly quoting Your Name as the foundation of her deeds to to so-called do good to people in need, only to bash them out in later years or asking them to sell their soul in return.

9. I solemnly swear, from here on..I hate you DF and I hope Allah will pay you back equally, that you would in return in this life suffer the same amount of pain youve inflicted onto others that have trusted you, given them all their admiration & love, but you screwed it because of mere $$$ albeit you so proudly declare you have abundance of..but yet, you ripped the poor, tricked them cold to get your way.

10. There's God no other than Allah and He will definitely show you what is so deserving of you if you're not careful. Amin.

Revamp, re-construct,renew

2010-07-12T08:52:00.001-07:00

The day ive been waiting for ever since taking up that offer, has finally came and done with. From today onwards, im officially a grad student.

I must admit, after 4 years leaving uni life, getting myself back in the game of reading scholarly materials, writing analysis about an issue, attending classes all a bit nervewrecking and intimidating.

But it is only my first day at school. If things go well and according to plan, i'll graduate in a year time. And hopefully with good grades if not flying off the walls grades.

Apart from getting myself back in the routine of that a student- the revising notes, the group discussions, presentations and what not- another crucial aspect that i hope to benefit from this whole ordeal is brushing up the communicationn skills- especially the english lingo. As this would significantly be useful for me in the future as an aspiring lecturer- i really need to be in academia elements if theres such a thing.

On a different note, being a student again - although am doing it on full-time basis, i dont see myself as one. What i am unfortunately doing 'full-time' is play mommy role. Yes, im talking about my baby girl as the bos of me and im her nanny. Evenmore crucial now that my maid took off yesterday. In that sense, im as part-time as most of my new classmates are and that would require me being more hardworking. Hope i can cope.

In the meantime, me got new site to my name in this blog sphere.

Http://greenerpasturechacha.blogspot.com

Ops israelis doing it again! And again..and again again again...

2010-06-05T03:21:00.001-07:00

By today- it's not just Islamic countries ir communities but the whole world whose concern with Israelis attrocities on the interceptions of world's flotilla convoy-standing united in condemnation towards tel aviv and netanyahu!

Though more than 20 lives of innocent activist were killed- most shot in close range by Israelis commandos who raided the Mavi marmara ship - the zionists wont stop their cause.

No more is the issues of religion - there are islam, christians, jews and even atheist but they come together in the name of humantarian efforts to relinquish the blockade on helpless Gazans - something that should have been stopped a long time ago.

Palestinians should be freed! Palestine should be allowed to fuction as a country, a sovereign state, exercising their rights just as any other countries.

It is no longer an issue of islamic jihad (fight in the name Allah) it is not a terrorist actions if a Gazan or Palestinian blew themselves up in order to protect what is left of their country. But this, this blockade, this attrocities, this interceptions on world convoy all in the name of solving bigest humantarian crisis- this is terrorism at its worse play! Tonnes of aid channel in hope of building gazans is not fuelling terrorism. But imposing blockade, uneccessary sanctions for basic food, medications IS TERRORISM!

More pitiful the western leaders act like a dummy on a string. Powerless over Israel - a state thats way smaller than those countries combine. Mouths sealed; hands tighten; eyes shut; ears deaf up.

What can we do than stood in congregation over and over again and condemn our loudest to them? Its about time all muslims in the world, arabs too, acivists who believe in the cause- come together and 'strike' the Israelis hard! Strike them now when they're most vulnerable! Strike them now when they're most afraid of their own shadows! Strike them and may Allah be with us throughout this ordeal!

Al-Fatihah Eddy Adika

2010-03-12T10:31:00.000-08:00

Salam..

Kullun Nafsin Za Ikatul Maut.

My condolences to the family of Allahyarham Eddy Adika. He passed away at home in Johor Bahru, Johor at 10 pm, 12th of March 2010. I think he's 22 years old.

He was ex-trainee at NCA TV9 once. back in 2008.

For the brief 4 months i had spent with him, i knew him as this bubbly, super charming friend. Whoever knew, behind those smile and brave face he kept a secret - he was diagnosed with a brain tumor and was struggling for dear life.

When he finished the internship, i never got to meet him and the last time was at Berjaya Media Nite courtesy of my old UIA friend -Liza. She invited me and said i could bring a few friends - one of them was Eddy.

I remembered that night we gigled, ate and just had fun. Posing for pictures making silly faces.

I was never close to him at work, but we did share a few secrets here and there, swapping stories once in awhile but basically he'd be one of my lunch-mates.

However, I would still regard him a friend. And as a friend, this is a second time i lost one. The first time was in primary school -a chinese friend and we all went to the crematorium to pay our last respect.

And this time Eddy. IF there's anything that i regret - is that i didn't take the time to check in with him especially during the last few months when i knew his health was failing, when he needed a shoulder to cry on or just plain company even if it means via sms-es.

I regretted the last sms was only a brief TQ and 'How are you hope you're well' when he congratulated me on my newborn baby.

And now he's gone I regret not able to pay my last respect to him. Eventhough every muscle in my body aches to do so, i can't.

reason #1 : have to leave my 9 months old baby who by the way fell off our bed last night.

reason #2 : the place is quite far. if i were to go, be best not to travel alone. and since other colleague seem to be working or occupied with something else......

EDDY ADIKA i am sorry. i know this note is too late. BUT i am so sorry. I still love you and will remember you as that cheerful EDDY ADIKA that was a friend to me. Though I could have been a better friend but i failed in doing so.

Above: One of my last moment with Eddy. Do disregard the fact of my silly face. Seen here after our night out at Berjaya Media's Night. There are more pictures of him and I, but it's all kept in my HDD of which at the moment seems to malfunction.

Pog mo thoin

2010-02-26T09:58:00.000-08:00

1. I know i say this often, and it sounds so cliche, but that is just the truth and nothing more. i've been slacking to write solely because i been busy. ok not really. quite occupied with life basically.

2. Seriously I don't know where to start. So many things i wanted to write about. the many happenings, the pouring out, baby's progress...you know everything.

3. Just can't understand, why is it when we complain a little, or perhaps been vocal about any disgruntled feelings we are often perceived and labeled as sorry arse whiners? complainer? Can it just be that we are merely being brave enough to say what we feel out in the open so far there are solid reasons behind them? blowing trumphets and founded expressions of dissatisfaction - there are difference between the two. Though it can be a blurry defining line.

4. Are we supposed to be blinded followers? Nay-sayyers? to everything and anything to the establishment or superior that we work with or anything that matter? can't we have a differentiated views or suggestions or mere bashing once in awhile? you know, therepeutic purposes.( note bashing)

5. And everytime there are non-believers, critics or haters (maybe) - i just wanted to shout at their face and say " back-off" . If it doesn't concern or involve you, don't give your opinion to me. don't criticize me. Don't judge me. Your not entitled.

6. I'm no whiner! no, not at all. And it irks me most if anything people would call or associate me as such everytime i may have conflicting views. You have no idea have grateful I am. Your not the God of me. YOU don't know me.

7. Are you grateful enough? TO compare with others is so easy. Finding mistakes in others is even more easy. Doesn't have to be an Einstein for that. BUT many of us forgets that we are mere mortals, we make mistakes, you, her, him, that lad, this gal and I. WE. so don't discriminate. don't be judgemental.

8. I have my own reason not to like somebody. If i chose not to like a person, am i a sinner? and you ( the judgemental pea brain) hollier than thou? most absolutely not! get serious, all of us, ALL (can't be stressing more) have favorites. Even Allah almightly have favourite and that is His Beloved and Ours too Prophet Muhammad PBUH. So don't get me started.

9. Sooooo high-school sometimes when some adult would have the heart to make click or gang up for the mission to destroy others. (by reputation i reckon most, too kill literally they're faint hearted) It's so mindboggling to me on why these people can do that. TO actually 'steal' a friend of their 'enemy(s)' and poisoined them thoroughly until they become one of them- an enemy. Evenmore sickening at those poisoined 'victim' to be easily coaxed to defect.

10. I have no more love for this particular kashain. I've drained out on that. Every minute passes me by so slowly and kills me softly. Like carcinoma cells engulfing and suffocating me.

11. Now i learned the blunt way. That 'black' record is a phantom. I thought it already died out and a closed case. But apparently, or shall i quote "i have to be blunt to you.." unquote. it has not. Which totally explains why i can't be made anything more than what i am today. Any advancement halted until further notice. Funny though. Debatable really. To a point of absurdity. If the past is what hindering me from any pot of gold, i can take that anytime. (on second thought make that copper la gold is too pushing it LOLS) BUT, BUT....as a punishment or reason so i can't take leave even if it's medically deemed fit, that's preposterous!

12. I was misleaded with that once. I was assured by somebody i trusted (then) that that somebody will help me sustained what i had and it was a non-problem. FYI: i had not 1 but 2 shigoto awaiting for confirmation as a resort and exodus from hell on earth. BUT i was assured not to go ahead with that. ASSURED until a week before it befalls on me. a week before and after i had let everything else go in the light of that assurance i had. they betrayed me. that somebody included. and it become the black phantom eversince.

13. not trying to revisit the phantom. the mere scribbling due to current surfacing of the issue and i feel i need to make it known to those who didn't know what really went down, of the hows and whys to just 'back-off'! you weren't there, you don't know, it certainly doesn't concern you so why bother? sebab best jadik nossy body la itu sebabnya kan? it's really fun to see other people got beaten up kan? wait for your turn then. we'll see who have the biggest laughs.

14. and because of that (if any) makes me a nervewreck. i want to prove them, oh how i want to prove them. and i already have the prove. and i want to have that biggest laugh at the end.

15. it's so bad to a point some labeling kyunoterebiwa losers dump-site. those who can't succed, rejects, leftist, side-liners (just merely playing with names) you get the idea kan.

16. If there's anything i learn; back-stabbing is a virtue, top-notch arse kisser a trait, villain always win, sugar-coated is reality, extra-hours is so charity in a mandatorily way of being grateful without asking back any monatery form of payment and if you make noise you reprimanded

17. Conclusion. what goes around comes around. being a sorry arse whining losers won't help (mine included) and to err is human to forgive is divine (yeah tell me about it) but to not repeat same mistake is magnifique, to not stay at same place for a long time is a smart-arse, to being pushed and swallowing it altogether is bullying anyway you want to put it!

18. stop fidgeting tomorrow's a new day, and if you hate hearing me whine a little, talks crap in between, curse once in awhile, praise the other time you can POG MO THOIN! that people is IRISH-GAELIC means 'KISS MY ARSE' (knew you couldn't guess that, i took the liberty of salvaging you from killing your self)

euphoria

2009-12-08T08:01:00.001-08:00

salams. this will be a short one, a very short one. but enough to sums up my whole feelings at the moment.

ON CLOUD NINE FEELING EUPHORIC. ALHAMDULILLAH, DREAMS DO COME TRUE. INSYAALLAH ALL WILL BE REVEALED.

:-)

Inspired,lazying and everything in between

2009-12-03T10:25:00.000-08:00

1. berhabuk. period. i been neglecting this blog for many reasons. mainly laziness. partly super busy parent. and the rest, working my butts off for monthly salary.

2. sometimes feel so demotivated. wait can't be spoiling off stuffs about shigoto, 'they' 'crucified' me for that. how injustice can this shigoto of mine be? ruthless sometimes. what is wrong for pouring out your feelings, however ill it may be. i was misunderstood for that. and the result is this new site. Aku tak pernah lupa, walaupun Dr M kata Melayu Mudah Lupa, tapi aku tidak, adakah itu bermakna aku bukan melayu? Memang aku mix! LOL! betul pe, mix, XX+XY=me!

3. my bundle of joy is growing. before i was worried sick she couldn't turn herself over and lie face down (meniarap) paranoid would be the perfect way to describe my feelings. alhamdulillah she finally did what i had always hoping she would be doing at about 4 months though just a month overdue. good girl. now it seems that's her favorite sleeping position, though i'm always on look out and (again) worried sick if she suffocates. (god forbid, ameen)

4. i started to blog (previous site) using blogdrive. that was ages ago. was entitled "Dear Diary Me" lame i know. lol! was inspired by the Allahyarhamah Yasmin Ahmad's blog actually. Back then, it was not a phenomenon. No one blog, even Tun M.

5. Mainly i wrote about my feelings. The usuals pouring out (as i'm one of those miss pms) emotional tak hengat. I wrote about everything that comes to my mind, recording daily happenings (though not consistently)

6. That time, the most popular networking site was MS and FS. walaupun aku sudah membuka akaun FB tetapi tidak aktif, sebab takde kawan yang pakai FB. sekarang, MS, FS dan segala macam jadah lagi semua dah berabuk. walaupun masih logging sesekali sebab aku pakai same pword for everything (g, bukak pekung for hackers don't i?) Selain networking site, apa saja jadah akaun (free hosting) aku sign-up. Sampaikan seorang kawan aka flirty2 aku pernah mengomen , 'gosh you're everywhere on the net babe! cyberspace is you, you is cyberspace' ok, the latter is a spiced up line LOl! serious googled me up with my infamous nick and you'll sure link to me.

7. Those were the times when I always send e-cards to friends, ehem-ehem and etc. LOL

8. AND internet jugaklah buat aku mengenal ehem-ehem #1, mendekatkan aku dengan ehem-ehem #2, saksi PJJ ehem-ehem #3, mengintimkan ehem-ehem #4 dan yang paling hakiki hingga kini.

9. Don't get me wrong bukan nak ngungkit sejarah. just merely reminiscing the past. and learning from it. jadikan teladan gitu for future reference if neccessary.

10. Now that blogging, FB and everything else a hip, trendy thing, I kinda slowed down the pace (walaupun kekadang sampai tahap hibernasi) sebab? rujuk 1 & 2

11. Tetapi sebenar-benarnya sebab UTAMA aku memblog dari dahulu lagi, kerana aku suka meraban, menulis. And i force myself to do so in Eigo-English. Reason being, to brush up the lingo.

12. Never crossed my mind the intention to write in English for other reasons that stated at #11. Not wanting to prove anything to anyone.

13. Looking back, me reckon my skills (if any) have somewhat deteriorated. Significantly so right about when i started my current shigoto.

14. Brings me back to reason of misundertanding and the nature of that kashain. period.

15. I'm still longing for that dream. Reaching out for that star. Bukan tak berusaha, probably not enough or the time hasn't come for me yet. Could it be that Allah is testing me?

16. One of the dreams is to pursue MA. sponsored preferrably. GOT so close. the most bizarre thing about it, the 2 chances that came to me the same time i was heavily pregnant. Went to the interviews with loose shirt for crying out loud. GUESS i scared them off with that image. Why would they want to sponsored married women + new mother to be for MA? too complicated. Or is it fate? takde rezeki ada yang bersuara...entahlah.

17. which brings me to a state of regrets. (walaupun tak baik) why did i settle down in the first place? and then this new responsibility to carry. i broke down. tapi tak sampai meroyan. conclusion= part of baby blues.

18. i won't stop trying. for both shigoto and that benkyo shimasho thingy.

19. i GOT a place. not what i dream of though. nontheless a start to something. I had wanted it quite badly. BUT was so discouraged upon finding out the fee that would cost me an arm and a leg. (kalaupun laku duh!)

20. baru local uni. inilah 'pembunuh' impian manusia seperti aku. yang punya cita-cita,iltizam, semangat,keupayaan otak untuk memperkasakan diri, memperluaskan ilmu tetapi mati setakat itu kerana kekangan DUIT!

Back Again!

2009-08-30T10:47:00.000-07:00

It has been almost 4 months since my last entry..and ever since many happenings took place in my life, my family, my working place and my country. First of all I'm now officially a mother to a 2 months and 11 days old baby girl. Since my delivery, I really wanted to share my horrifying delivery experience. BUT my health didn't permit me to do so. So here goes:

A New Beginnings

Now that I've gone through the process of giving birth, I have a new found respect for all mothers, mine included. My journey to motherhood was a roller-coaster; it started off without me expecting it, then I embraced the fact, enjoyed the full 9 months without a glitch and the path took a climax-the anticipation was overwhelming, did all the preparations and suddenly the plot turned anti-climax, my baby decided to stay a little bit longer in the womb and I was past my due date.

Anxiety was all over me, I broke down. All the excitement of having a baby was gone, I was frustrated and could easily turn myself like an incredible hulk-angry every time anyone posed me the most-hated question to me then " When are you due exactly?" or "Have you given birth?" So frustrated was I, many time I broke down in tears and sometime in angst towards my unborn baby-I jumped, I ran in a futile attempt to fasten the delivery.

Days turn to weeks- the baby still did not want to come out. Pass my due date which was on 15th June, I went to hospital P -fully prepared mentally and physically to give birth- Only to find myself shooed away by the doctors there! Although I was already 2cm dilated, they did not want to take me in-saying there were insufficient beds. BUT that was bull- they simply turned me down because I reckon I was not a P resident, thus they asked me to go to the nearest hospital in my residency. BULL! I, who obviously was not aware with all of the bureaucracy wanted so much to go to that hospital since I was told by a few trusted person, it's the best government hospital one could ask for in Selangor or even in Malaysia. (of course I disagree with this statement soon after that incident)

Seen here like 3 days before given birth. After that humiliating being sent away by ignorant hospital P doctors and was 2cm dilated, I forced myself to take a walk in the park in attempt for a bloody show so I can return to the hospital for delivery

Reluctantly I obeyed. Went home in anger,frustration all mixed to one. Days to me then passed me by too slowly. Filled my days with excessive walking (window shopping mainly) fully determined to get the baby out.BUT she still did not budge. The weekly antenatal check-up was not helping either; though they were equally anxious and some nurses appeared worried, the bloody resident doctor was not! (seriously, I really curse thee) Her consultation to me was impudent in every manner imaginable.

Obviously dissatisfied, I went to a different clinic (not government) and to my surprise, the doctor advised me for an induce labor. He told me,since it's past my due date, the chances of the baby suffocating due the lack of amniotic fluid is higher and through his observation, my baby was pretty much heading that way. Thus, it was best that I to be induced.

Surely you can imagine how worried I was upon hearing that. He later wrote me a referral letter for admission. That night, was a sleepless night for both hubby and I. The baby was finally coming! I was restless, imagination run wild and practically was up the whole night. As planned, the very morning, we headed to hospital P for the very much anticipated birth. Luckily this time around the doctors there didn't turn me down, I was checked thoroughly and they agreed for an induced labor upon the circumstances. Admitted about 3 pm and reality of giving birth slowing starts to kick in. BUT my worries for the first few hours was really about constipation. I knew (from reading) that an hour or so before the whole delivery process starts, the doctors will ask you to expel your bowel content as to avoid any of those getting out while you're pushing the baby. You don't want to have poo poo mistaken for a baby when contraction takes over. And since I haven't poo poo for almost 3 days, I'm so worried that I was unable to do so and risk excreting my waste instead of baby.

And although I've conveyed my worry to the attending nurses, they didn't help me with that until it was almost dangerously late. Got to my bed, unpacked the begs and I don't even get to warmed the bed enough, was surprised when the ward doctor told me I was already 4cm dilated! She literally poked the amniotic sac (though I wasn't aware of that) and told non-nonchalantly that I was on my way to give birth! The next minute, I was bleeding heavily, and soon, everything started to paced up; the nurses tubed an IV, gave me a rectal stimulant to help the constipation and I was on my way to the delivery room.

Since it was my first time at childbirth, was really excited about it all. So much so, some nurses extended their admiration for my casualness regarding the whole ordeal. Of course my smiling, gullible self was no more insight right after they induced me in the labor room. At 6pm, the attending doctors was flabbergasted to found me only 4cm dilated! The stupid thing was, she asked me why was I brought down to the labor room since i'm still far away from giving birth. How was I to know; I'm the sitting duck-I'm the patient-the guinea pig.

At this point I was a sorry ass having thought that this hospital P was 'A' class. I felt helpless. There I was, bleeding between my legs for crying out loud and those ignorant fools could still argue about me not suppose to be induced! Luckily, one of the doctors weren't ignorant enough. She comforted me saying everything will be alright. Explaining that I now really need to be induced since the ward doctor already poked the amniotic sac, they could not wait any longer.

The induce drugs not only introduced me to the real feeling of excruciating contractions (no more braxton hicks, those are nothing!), the drugs really induced pain. Period. Little did I know, I was on a very tough journey in becoming a mother. BUT after 3 hours, that induced drugs that was supposed to force the contractions hence fastening the labor didn't do much justice for me. I was still less than 6cm dilated. Which only means I have more contractions battling hours to fight, more intolerable pain to endure, more risk of baby dying.

A picture of me a few moments after delivery. Tired but certainly glad it all went well and the baby's was fine.

For those of you who aren't mothers, let me guarantee that labor pain is really painful. There's no word best describe the pain really, no wonder it's rated at number 2 on the most painful of pains one human has to go through after sakaratul maut-that is the onset of death. Realising that I was risking endangering myself and the baby, the doctors increase the drugs and those pain I've been describing-intensified tremendously! Finally, I was dilated more and effaced as too ease the labor process.

One common question asked to me after post-partum was "How does it feel to give birth?" Apart from the aforementioned pain, the part when your baby decides to pop-out is really like having one nasty, huge poo poo that refuse to come out. Thus, you have to use all your might to push it out because it's just too discomforting, your abdomen cramps like never before and it's just horrible, right until the baby pops-out! And then it's smooth sailing. At least that was how I felt. Pure relief. All the other part, the parts and parcels of labor such as the cutting-off a little part of your vagina's skin, the sutures of those cuts after, is nothing with what you have to go through in the first place.

BUT of course you'll be given a sedatives, morphines, drugs to ease those pain throughout the process. Mine was gas. I love it. It was my "best-friend" for the whole 8 hours of labor pain! I love it so much that I refused to take it off during suture, that it made me loca! It made me feeling high! And made me saying things, some of it really bad remarks to people around me at that time.

Anyways, there. The whole 8-9 hours of delivery experience all reduced to words here in this blog. BUT nothing, absolutely nothing can compare with the real deal. I can only write it down here for people to read, including myself surely, but in my mind, i can vividly recall the graphics.

The fruit of my labor; my labor pain that is: Nur Raihanna Iman binti Mohd Redzuan. Seen here approximately an hour after birth and she was already smiling for the camera. Clearly she was as glad as her mother was to have been safely delivered onto the real world. I love thee!

Then, there's the horrible post-partum experience which made me stood strong to my convictions that hospital P is indeed such a lousy hospital. And later to my dismay, I learned a fact that hospital P is all known as a training hospital for both doctors and nurses. No wonder almost half of the doctors I saw or met was younger than me. With that age, it would definitely make sense that their still in training or rookie doctors.

Gosh, here's a very lengthy entry of mine. Guess that equally horrible-terrifying-postpartum experience gotta wait for next time. It's almost 4 in the morning, and baby will wake soon for her early breakfast or in this case 'sahur' since it's the holy month of Ramadan now. Will scribble my thoughts later.

PS: more to come; postpartum experience, the slacking off of berpantang period, the wonders of breastfeeding and Back to reality-truly motherhood is like a roller-coaster!

My baby girl: At 2 month's old. Seen here, all smile for the camera eventhough she was feeling a little bit under the weather. Stuffy nose and slight bronchitis.

It's gonna be a girl, am anticipating..

2009-05-19T12:18:00.000-07:00

salams

1. how time flies. like always, been slacking off when it comes to updating my blog. not that i been super busy, just haven't had the urge to sit in front of the laptop and type away my trivial thoughts about life, work or anything non-matter.

2. I'm huge. no, make that SUPER-HUMONGOUS!! and the funny thing is, was always in denial whenever i go for my routine visit to the antenatal check-up. You know, when you're mother to be, your 9 months life of being pregnant will be harassed with this routine; having your weight scaled, HB monitored, pissing your urine in a cup-often hassling with bunch of bloated mommy to be in order to do so in a very uncomfortable smelly toilet (mind you, i am referring to an average governmental local clinic, thus you can imagine the rest)

3. The fretting part undeniably the waiting part! BUT having said that, alhamdulillah, the clinic where i go for my monthly (now every fortnight check-up) PKD Kelana Jaya- is quite efficient if not too sloppy for the bountiful of government clinics. It would usually take up no more than 2 hours for every patient. AND if you're really lucky ( i had experience a few times) the whole process could be as quick as 45-60 minutes.

4. Now that I'm inching my way to 36+ weeks of pregnancy, I can't stop to eat, sleep and rest all the chance i have. However, I realised my food pallate's quite picky this time around. NOT that I would devour just about everything i could get my hands into,BUT quite selective when doing so. I rarely eat rice, but when i crave for it, it must be accompany with an equally craved side dishes a.k.a lauk pauk. Lunch time for me now is no longer a fun thing. I'm so picky that when i do eat what i want, i can't really eat that much.

5. WHICH brings me to another frustrating state of my condition during this final leg of being pregnant. THE food section of my tummy seemed to have shrink-down in size. In Malay, i would refer the scenario as SENGKAK whenever it hits 'FULL TANK'. BUT now, my 'full tank' is cut down to almost 3/4 of what it used to be. SO i eat less in size, but frequently.

6. No matter the fretting may be, the end result still shocks me. I'm still gaining weight excessively during this month and i mean EXCESSIVELY! BEFORE preggy: 55kg. NOW: 70kg!

7. My underpants can either be very small (below the belly and therefore would only cover half of my larrrrge buttocks) OR HUGE, GRANDMA'S PANTIES- that could easily convert to a men's boxer.

8. BUT in all, I am so excited this final month, so much so i've become excessively conscious of any big bargains or sales especially for baby items. NOW that the scan confirmed we're going to have a baby girl insyaAllah, I'm always on the lookout for any girly-girly, pinky-pinky baby item; mittens and booties, rompers, blankets etc. Guess all that consciousness come from the maternal instinct from within.

9. Talking about preparing for the unborn baby to this wild world, I've had pretty much everything covered for my princess insyaAllah. Although,there are a few things that i wish i could have.

10. A MOMMY WISHLIST:
- A nursing top/ poncho
Now i reckon it's the 'in' thing to have especially when you're breastfeeding a child. Of which when you do it ain't gonna be a pretty sight for all to see exposing the ugly nipple and swolen breast for a tiny creature to suckle.

- Electric sterellizer and bottle warmer
Again more a want than a real neccessity. Zaman tok nenek dulu takde pun pakai mende ni, anak-anak hidup sihat walafiat. Been eyeing on a few brands and fyi: AVENT is sooo freaking expensive. THEN there's PHILIPS or PUREEN or ANAKKU (less expensive) BUT on average most are priced around RM150-RM200.

BUT being the excited mommy to be i am now, I opted for a 'manual' sterellizer and asked my younger sister to present me and her soon to be born niece the 'bottle warmer' instead. OF course she said OK now, but one can never rely on promises alone (especially when it was uttered from a student aunty like my sister)

THUS, I decided to go for a manual sterellizer (budget) that cost me RM40. ONLY to find myself fretting later when I found out that The Curve's Anakku was and still having a sale and a LITTLEBEAN brand sterillezer and bottle warmer cost RM99 only!!! from a pricey tag of RM199!!!!!!!!!!!!! damn it!!!

11. BABY NAMING
Now it's going to be a girl, I'm thinking of a name that starts with 'R'. you know so it'll sync with my husband initial R- redzuan. Back when we thought we're going to have a boy, i wanted to name the baby Mohd Rafayel Mohd Redzuan or Mohd Rayyan Mohd Redzuan. BOTH of which i know doesn't sound much like a typical MALAY name but hey, who cares, it's my baby. the thought of naming the baby Rafayel was ignited due to hubby's fond interest in sports- tennis and soccer.

BUT since it's going to be girl; It's going to be Raihanna. after Rihanna :-) wanted to go for Rihanna but hubby objected the idea, he said it's not arabic. So we opt for Raihan and add the "ana" to make it sound more feminine. Then hubby wants to be fair to me (though i don't mind naming our baby after his initial) but he insist to have a 'NURUL' in front of that Raihanna name.

anyways, i'm not very keen on the idea of having a same first name with my own baby. I mean we can't have 2 NURUL in the same house now can we? :p

So, should it be;

NURUL RAIHANNA IMAN binti mohd redzuan
or
NUR RAIHANNA IMAN binti mohd redzuan

we'll soon decides when that time comes!!! before 15th JUNE hopefully insyaAllah and not in breech delivery...AMIN!

To continue or Not To Continue? But one thing for sure, PPSMI continues to be politicalized

2009-03-11T20:35:00.000-07:00

"takkan melayu hilang di dunia"

I'm sure most of us can relate to that famous quote from Hang Tuah, the lagendary hero of Malay people. Now, I know most of us in Malaysia, especially the Malays have different opinions on the PPSMI issue. I, as one of the Malays here in Malaysia, have my own set of opinions too. And here is my two cents on the matter..

1. I am a Malay. Was, is and forever will be. I feel that the implementation of teaching Maths and Science in English is a good start in shaping a more globalized Malays, the ultra-Malay. Malays with the finest attributes that surpasses the ordinary standards of Malays.

2. Some lot, Pejuang Bahasa or the so-called Malay-warriors oppose the idea of PPSMI. They argue if the government continues PPSMI, it will eradicate the usage of Bahasa Melayu, the Malay language. Translatation: A total massacre of Malay supremacy.

3. Now what I just don't get, why are we against such good thing? Whether we, Malays, like or not, English language is THE LANGUAGE OF THE WORLD. now, some lot argues PPSMI only benefits those urban malays but doesn't do justice to the rural malay kids. I beg to differ on this. Any language, if one wants to master have to be taught at an early age. Now if our kids starts to familiarize the usage of English in critical subjects like Maths and Science, I reckon they will learn more and be better equip with the language as they grow up. Familiarize and practice; from kiddy age. As kids are like sponge, the just absorb knowledge quickly. Even the Malay have a phrase for this, "melentur buluh biar dari rebungnya"

4. I don't have kids. But I do have nieces and nephews that are still young and part of the PPSMI cohort. They are just doing fine. In fact, i kept asking them if they find the subjects difficult. They said no. Infact, they say enjoy it. And my nieces and nephews are so comfortable with language, depa cakap lagi berabuk omputeh than me.

5. I feel it doesn't make us Malays any less Malay if we learn other language. We should instead be more pragmatic on this issues. Do look at PPSMI on a different light. A good positive light.

6. Statistics does show that Malay graduates are the ones who make up most numbers of unemployment. The sad part is, most don't get employed not because of lack of credentials but FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE IN ENGLISH. And when i say failure, i don't refer to Shakespearean type of English, just normal everyday usage of that language. they (most) can even construct a simple english sentence and don't even get me started on the lack of vocabulary..

From KL-Guatemala: The world condemn Israelis!

2009-01-10T18:41:00.000-08:00

It has been more than 2 weeks than since the bombardment of Israelis onto Gaza, And the bloodshed continues with death tolls accounting to 800 souls and more..Now, like most Muslim in the world, I share deeply the heartbreak of the Palestinian people and condemns the aggression of the Zionis on them. I fret about writing my feelings though since the attacks until now, because I feel my sentiments won't change anything, won't stop the massacre and so does the angst pouring from muslims around the world. I feel helpless..BUT everytime I watch the news and look at pictures of those limbs and parents gone due to the bombings of Tel Aviv, i shivered..not in fear, but in utter hatred and fury towards the ISRAELIS.

Now, what disgust me the most, in sheer desperation, some marched in peacefull congregation to voice out their disappointments simply because of the complete political failure of world leaders; especially the diysfunctional UN and the chicken-shit Arab League Leaders. The laknatullah Israelis clearly violates humantarian law by continuing air and ground attacks when they were clearly warned not to. All for absurdity: eliminating Hamas militants!

BUT here's a fact: UN on 9th of January released a therall investigation of the bombardment on Al-Jabaliya UN school which took the lives of more than 100 civillians including UN staff. There were no Hamas militant killed or involved during the bombardment either by taking shelter in the school compound or masquerading as civilian. So why, did you ISRAEL have to bomb that school? what possible inhuman act can kids and women who were taking shelter in the school play in this one-sided war??

So what is left with us then? what choice do we have to help the Palestinian people? Will you be willing to take up a gun, a snipper and go to war in the name of jihad? will you leave your worldly belongings, family and loved ones to have a fighting role in the war? I'm pretty sure most will say NO! i know i will have to say no..i'm just not capable and brave enough for jihad. at least I'm honest to admit this. And so, what else can we, Malaysians, Indonesians (just to name a few) do to help?

Boycotting US & Israelis goods??? perhaps..BUT let's be realistic; how many of y'll out there really can leave without your beloved LEVI'S, your DIET COKE, that yummy McDONALD burger,that wonderful STARBUCKS moccha...and the list continues for Big boycott campaign click here

BUT having said that i applaud at those who really can pull it off. My deep respect for those who goes for jihad in the name of freeing the Palestinian people. BUT most, i say MOST, just jumps in the bandwagon not knowing for real what the real deal is. I say this with disgust at those who marched and yell the anti-zionis slogan on the streets BUT still wears LEVI'S, still eat and sleeps McDONALD & BURGER KING! talk about walk the walk and talk the talk people. and everyday of the occupation goes by, you see more and more people sending in press invitations, sucking all the attention needed, wrapping themselves with Palestinian scarfs and trotting with hate banners and placard of BUSH...and for what really? just for a cheap publicity that says, "hey,look at me y'll i support the palestinian and i'm here for a show, do vote for me in the upcoming kampung election, committee ABC election yada yada yada..."this what irks me most!

the best way i think, is to keep praying to Allah, sedekah your Al-Fatihah that our brothers and sisters will be freed from the atrocities they're facing now. AMIN! to the rest, stop being TOO DAMN EMOTIONAL and starts being REALISTIC. and this goes to the leaders as well. you want to help? donate to PALESTINIAN RELIEF FUND! you want to help? let's all be united, all the ARAB WORLD and BOMB TEL AVIV!! now that's WAR!!!!!!!!!

Of 1430 hijri and 2009

2008-12-31T12:45:00.000-08:00

Salams

1. It's officially a new year today. and in exactly 2 months and 9 days from now i'll be 27 years old and soon to be a mother! yes, that's the update i've been procrastinating to write about. You see all of my previous posts i raved about the protruding tummy i thought i garnered out of eating excessively..BUT instead it turned out to be a featus that's soon gonna pooped out from my belly in due time insyaAllah somewhere in june.

2. Now that i'm pregnant, i have a newfound respect for all mothers. including my own. i mean, i'm only 4 months preggy but already i feel terrible and horribly burden by it. not to mentioned the fear of bearing future responsibility of being a mom and yes, enduring horrific labor pain. having said that, i must count my blessings. I do not have any morning sickness right from the start till now. and hopefully never.

3. Of which is the reason why i only discovered i was pregnant after 2.5 months! because i wasn't feeling any headaches, nausea, morning sickness etc. i was pretty active basically throughout the first trimester of pregnancy. the only indications then, was my bulging belly and excessive craving for foods and napping!

4. the following fact may sound cruel. BUT i wasn't thrilled to know i was impregnated! as i religiously wrote before, i'm yet to achieve my dream, there's so many things i want to do and accomplish, one of them is definitely furthering my studies in MA and if possible PhD. getting that dream job, doing things i love most (can't reveal my wishlist here can i? it probably won't come true)

5. as such being preggy i find would only steer me away from my dreams and goals in life. the thought of having a baby before all of that, before reaching 30 was not acceptable. i actually cried my eyeballs out upon finding out the news (litterally seconds after taking the pregnancy test)

6. BUT things changed a bit and i'm grateful for it. it changed right about when i first heard my baby's heartbeat and saw the baby's image on ultrasound scanning machine. it was unbelievable. i feel sorry for my baby for not wanting him/her at first but now seeing this another soul living and enlarging in me, i'm utterly grateful for the gift from Allah. my maternal instinct starts to kick in and vow not to miss taking the awful taste of folic acid pill and other vitamins.

7. being pregnant also means that i have to kick out my favourite drink in the whole wide world: caffein! namely coffee, teh tarik, coke.

8. being pregnant i have to ditched all my heeled shoes and resort to comfy n flat ones.

9. being pregnant, i have the delights of being pampered by my beloved hubby. TQ redz1luv.

10. BUT the ultimate downside of it: I AM SO GETTING FAT AND FATTER AND FATTEST. though it's only 4 months, i can no longer fit into my favourite pants, jeans and shirts. have to resort to sweat pants oversize tops (you know not that i'm ever a fashion conscious kinda person, but the only fret i have with it, is that i need to buy new clothes!) not forgetting new lingerie lineups as well. will be bloated up soon!

11. and yes, after almost a year moving in to my hubby's house aka our house; i finally got my hands on a new reliable internet modem, that's definitely better than the previous one i had to use. as a matter of fact i'm quite surprise of the speediness it has to offer here in my housing area since it's quite remote or the way my mom would call it " tempat jin bertendang" and yes, i'm promoting that service particularly: it's called maxis broadband! it's super fast, better than streamyx (believe me i was a loyal user of tm of 6 years) way cooler than Digi and cheaper than Celcom. so folks if u haven't got any or scouting for an internet service maxis is your answer. (datuk ananda krishnan ought to pay some for promoting his stuff)

Finding that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow

2008-10-30T21:22:00.000-07:00

It has been awhile since my last update and my blog here's been collecting dust eversince. Wanted to share my Syawal stories but figured that topic is a bit outdated since it's Zulhijah now, a month of Hajj.

Too many things have happpened in the last few weeks especially in the politics world be it in Malaysia or America. And I reckon many more exciting things will take place in due time. I've always wanted to share my thoughts but never did manage to do so because the internet connection that hubby's subscribing is little less than horrible.

ANYWAYS, some of the interesting thing or at least i'd like to think it's interesting is my current determination and hubby's fuzz for exercising. I actually bought a balacing ball (spikey one) or some called it a gym ball and a matching yoga mat with a DVD on workout and trimming abs (as if) While hubby forced me to bring back from mom's two pairs of badminton racket. Now usually i wouldn't care much but i just need to at least try to lose weight now since the protruding tummy seem to be enlarging.
anyways, it takes alot of energy to inflate the gym ball and after all the hard work i force my hubby to do, i rarely use it. and now it sits fashionably on our coffee table. so much for shredding those pounds off huh?

other news: i'm still very determine to move out from kyonoterebi. so much so, i'm on a constant look out for shigoto no interviews and even jobs ads. as much as i love doing what i'm doing right now (and i believe i'm very good at my current job, my past record provetdthat) the place literally is 'burning me out'. every single aspect of it; the environment, the job task.

when i first started out the job, u know i was like any other fresh grads eager to prove i'm worth the employment. but unlike other fresh grads, i wasn't just eager and determined i really got what it takes for the challenge. i know, i may sound bragging but it's just the fact. whether i was excellent of doing so,is another issue and not for me to judge. but i was good enough i'm pretty darn sure of that.

as a fresh grads with first real job, i had to endured some scuffs. sure, everybody have a sad story to share. but i took mine, open heartedly.as cold and unfair as it seems to me back then, i worked my way through it. and in less than a year, i made it from lc to a better one. and good things lead to another, i was the brightest stars amongst all, so bright i rose and being made as P. and things got ugly soon afterthat.

anyways, the point i'm getting to, as much as i fret about the past i believe every single thing happened for a reason. and Allah knows what's best for us. and in my case, if i wasn't P anymore, i can never be anything else. I sure as hell can't be a R. so what i can be then? forever stuck as what i am today with no real career advancement in sight.

well that thought alone discourage my burning flame of working dilligently as i had when i first started out last 2 years...to a none-existance flame state.

now i work for money and every morning i dreaded of going to work, but whenever i feel that way, i think of my parents and that literally does it. that thought alone can drag my arse to office.

i'm no ungrateful person. i'm grateful with every positivity and negativity aspects of my current career. it's just that, i don't think it's a crime to think and dream a better life (career) other than your current one. and that is exactly what i'm fretting about. i want more.

amidst the economic downturn, i'm fully aware it's quite difficult to find another oppurtunity. but around this time of writing, i found one. nothing grandeur, but in many ways better than what i'm having right now.

now, the rest i leave to Allah. if this one gets away, there's always another door opening for me, insyaAllah. wish me luck.

Me and Being A Whale

2008-09-10T12:30:00.000-07:00

I was never the kind of person who's very existence cringe about being thin. I'm never self-conscious about the way I look the way I carry myself or even my health. I eat whatever i like, in whatever amount i please and never give a heck about what others would think of me. Well, 26 years and on and i'm still very much the same person except that i'm now married with a spouse that have a 180 degree conflicting personality with me and most importantly on the virtues of leading a healthy life.

Because of the increasing size of my body, those flabby fatness stuck under the belly is often misconstrued by others of a living fetus, that's enlarging and will explode in due time.

Although I kept telling the lot I'm not pregnant and the belly bump is purely of fat, they just don't buy it. I reckon because of the fact i just got married, and it's pretty much a custom or tradition of some sort that you should be impregnated by now (it's been 6 months since i tied the knot)

Talk about pressure. The more you keep denying it, another misconception occurs. The hubby or I are incompetent of doing it! or something you know...some lot even have the audacity to asked me (shockingly in a very casual way), "you do know how to do 'it' don't you?" My replied would be, hell yeah, Do you want me to show ya?

Which leads me to another breaking point that I just had to make it known to the lot (including my family) that, "No, I',m not pregnant because we're using rubber!" and that folks, definitely a mouth shutter.

Now I know how it feels like to be Datuk Siti Nurhaliza, when people kept badgering the same sensitive question. I mean people can be mean and just unbelievable. First there's the flickery exciting eyes when they popped the question and when the answer is no (though you answered them wholeheartedly with jollyness) they'd pressed on and this time around woth a sympathetic look that you're a beginner of a 69 do or any other Kamasutra style for that matter.

Hubby and I chose not to have any baby in the near future; I most certainly don't have any intention to do so either. Apart from a rocky career as reason, there's the "I'm on a quest and yet to fulfill my dream thingy" as reason.

Thus, we're very happy with the two of us and just can't help but to wonder what the heck is the trouble if we're not having a child. Is not them that have to be a whale and go through contractions and labor pain. But then again, I'm already looking like a whale now even though I'm not carrying a baby inside of me, one would wonders now how much more of a whale would i be if i am indeed pregnant? Just have to wait and see till that magic happens. I'm not at all fretting about this, it's kinda funny actually.

For now, me is doing wonderful being married. Besides waking up in the morning with another person sharing the other half of the bed, I have a buddy to nag, annoy, sulk and cuddle to whenever and will get respond immediately. Apart from the aforementioned. the rest of my routine is pretty much the same like being single. I do still wake up very late whenever possible. In fact hubby even joke to my family that until i learned to wake up early, we won't have any baby. He said, if not his baby will die of starvation because mummy is busy sleeping. FYI: i sleep like a rock. It's almost impossible to wake me even with a loud bang right at my eardrums. A trait i'm not proud of course. But just can't help it. Must have been the job i'm having right now. It's very unhealhty. (at this point of writing, the hubby is sound asleep as usual although is only 1200 pm while i'm doing what i enjoy best blabbing with no real purpose in front of the computer)

Moving On

2008-09-05T13:38:00.000-07:00

1. Life's tough. No matter how much you hate it, it must go on. There are ups and downs, good times and bad, happy and sad, shitty and great..you know all and everything in between.

2. Can't help but to praise Allah Almighty for a very kind husband I'm having right now, and hope that this bliss of wedded life will continue and not fall apart and contribute to divorce statistics in the country.

3. I'm still striving for my dream.

4. Need exodus from kyunoterebi fast.

5. I'm so fat now, nearing to be a metabo of my own size.