Thursday, May 16, 2013

Your past never defines your future, so they say


Thinks after almost over two weeks now, it's time to move on with our lives and push aside all things politics, at least for now. Shelves it up, till about year 2017-2018...we can recollect the memories of the GE13.

Yesterday (Thursday 16 May) was Teacher's Day. Of course after high school, I've never "celebrate" the day, never wish any teachers, never give away gifts. The last time I remember doing those things was in Form 4 - of course in school, I think Teacher's Day are "enforce" to us - mandatory celebrations. Like the teachers have to actually remind the pupils that there is a DAY for them to be appreciated, to give presents, souvenirs - evidence for all their handwork in educating us. Like anything "enforce" without real understanding as to why we are supposed to do a particular thing, in this context, the celebrations of Teacher's Day - the conduct of celebrating was nothing more than that - celebration. It was an "off-day" at school, with lotsa activities. It is always a fun day.

In today's world, with the connectivity at your fingertips - everyone is showing appreciation for their teachers for the world to see on Facebook or Twitter, just to name a few. Declaring self for your circle of friends to see, how sensitive and grateful you are to your teachers. Some I see posting the names of their teachers - if there's anything, I am amazed they can still remember their names. BUT I personally think, all these 'bearing your soul' on the net, tagging names of those people you rarely 'chat with' or even funnier, tagging names of those people that does not even have any social media account - all too 'glossy' and fabricated for me. BUT then again, each to its own. Perhaps, there are people who is really sincere about the feelings and just expressive.

I - of course am grateful to my teachers too. till date, there are few, significant faces and names of my teachers/lect that can conjure up the feelings of gratefulness and happiness of being in school/uni. BUT I was never a teacher's pet, lecturer's pet etc. And don't think I was ever popular at school/ uni. And I have never kept a personal relationship with my teachers - never the kind that would knock on the teacher's door after class/ lectures, never really stopped and chatted with them outside of campus - if I ever bumped into them, it would only be that awkward silence or just a simple, out of respect smile and a slight nod of acknowledgement. That was it. Not too sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

Now in grad studies - with thesis supervision, I am still keeping that distance, though I know I  shouldn't have. I don't know how to 'appear' enthusiastic about studies by showing up often on their doors, or 'spamming' their emails with 'burning' questions sans 'real' substance except that - but I applaud those who do. I know some of my friends keep that style of relationship with their teachers/lect and inevitably able to keep good grades, partly because of that. After all, teachers/lect are only humans. Sometimes we need to coax them a lil bit, show some appreciation that they're superior and the master of know-it-all. That they are in charge.

Anyway, point am getting into is this. After almost 3 years (yes that is long), insyaAllah am submitting my final work. As expected, with the recently concluded GE13, I still have to amend some parts of the work - by adding the aftermath scenario of GE13 into the work. I knew that. I knew that was coming and expected of me. BUT what is a bit nerve-wrecking, quite a few lect I know of at my fac when I bumped into them are excited about my work - as they all think it's very 'in-trend' now and 'hotly debated'. Which sums the whole point of that nervousness - high expectation during my candidature defense I reckon. Seriously, I am worried of yet becoming a disappointment, again - not to everyone else but to me.

I honestly don't know what will become of my fate after submission. If I ever get there as planned, I will be forever thankful. Not because where it ends, but the fact it ends. Sure I want and hope the end is the sweetest ends. But at this juncture, I no longer put up high hopes. Just letting it be. With all said and done, if there's anything I can put my blame on is me - I am my own destruction, my sin for this delay is the fact I was not being selfish enough. NOT BRAVE enough to be SELFISH enough. Since year one of my studies, when every hiccups encountered, I gave in. I gave in to my surroundings, to my life, to people matters most around me. I never thought of myself. I only thought of pleasing others, of being there for them because all those year I was working as a journo, I never did enough.

Then 2nd year came - more hiccups and tribulations. I was without my domestic help. Mostly worried about the care of my only 1 1/2 year child. It was devastating. Then more waves of trouble.  The child was unwell. Amidst all this, there was that sad and wrenching predicament of my parents - with Dad diagnosed with cancer, and that issue with the No.29. *sigh* My 2nd layer of support system - the parents - was also fighting to 'stay afloat' with themselves. I couldn't possibly trouble them more with my problems. Thus, I had to 'fight' alone while at the same time appear strong for the parents and assisting them with anything I could. And I did. I put my 'burden' on the backbench and carried theirs. Although I could never lifted all of them, I did my small part as that of a child. At this point, trouble for me - escalates. Academia was halted. With my then, SV who was unwell and took that as my own reason to 'escape' from reality and play that 'obedient' and 'supportive' child to my parents.

Finally, 3rd year knocks on me - more suffocating than ever. Third year, in terms of that comfortable monthly stipends, was gone. I was suicidal. I am so ready to give it all up and move on. Hence, I again find a sort of "escapism" from reality. I went to work. Working at that NGO was one of the mistakes I did. It was akin to adding salt to my already infected, squirming with worms wound. I begin to lose my grip.

Alas, this is MAY 2013. It's my MAYday. I should be finding that exit doors and distress button. Honestly, I picked up my pieces starting last February. After that horrendous episodes with that NGO - I only managed to bring myself together in Feb. Then came March. Little child was sick again. Had to take 'one month off' - I wanted so bad to be selfish at this point. BUT how could I? Then came April. Parliament was dissolved. Knew my time is up. Knew all that efforts are in jeopardy. Knew I got to have more amendments to that already dreary work. And now is MAYday.

Candidature defense on 14 June.
Submission, around end June / mid July.
Results? August. and so my time bomb will finally explode then, along with me most possibly. Nonetheless, am keeping my faith. Leaving it all up to Allah. Hopefully, all those time I was not being selfish and doing good deeds to others - will be paid. Just this once.

Jul 2010 -Jul 2011
Jul 2011 - Jul 2012
Jul 2012 - Jul 2013

The bloody July. Never had liked July anyways. LOL.

PS: despite everything, I am thankful for my SV. the first and the current, especially. The first for 'choosing' me amongst others and decided to "ditched" me when I needed SV most, and without the courtesy of informing. The current, for 'choosing' me when no one did, when I sat depressed on a chair in that small fac's office with eyes red, crying; my current SV chose to cared, chose to asked about my predicament then, chose to listened to this sordid student whom he never taught in class, and subsequently chose to replaced that void the last SV did to me..all that  out of love for teaching I guess. And because of that, after almost 14 years leaving high school, after 14 years not recording any appreciation to any teachers, I wished this SV yesterday a Happy Teacher's Day. And gave him a box of cupcakes, with flavours I loved most. That's just my little token of appreciation for you sir. Hope you enjoyed them (I know you would never read this blog anyway, but just in case you did you know now).


mizzyN said...

happy teacher's day to him.

AkaZukii ChaCha said...

hehe Nad...thanks i guess... (on his behalf) macam lah dia baca blog aku pun hehe